Are there TWO April firsts in a leap year?
Strap your old faithful, manual tripewriter to a computer with a piece of kit which ends with a USB plug? Why on Earth would anyone want to do that? And yet, apparently serious newspapers were treating the plugs for the company offering this marvellous technological advance with overdue seriousness. Isn't August supposed to be the silly season? Or has Global Warming brought it forward to the spring?
Your IMAGINATION is your only limit
Few people still own a manual typewriter which means that many people are being left out of the PC revolution needlessly. But we can strap almost any piece of obsolete or unanticipated kit to a modern PC.
Why not mosey on down to the GWB Shack @ 43 Riverside Drive, Romiley, G.B. for a quotation or visit our website:
The AMAZING Cardboard Radio
What's different about this radio? Well, it's as unique as it gets – a radio made of cardboard! Whilst the mechanical and electrical parts of metal and plastic, the body is made from eco-friendly recycleable cardboard. Which lets you personalise it if you're the creative type! And as a bonus, you can even plug in an iPod in to it!
Only £39.99 [€71.18] from Romiley Radio, 14b Riverside Drive
Put the blame where it belongs
Air Passenger Duty, a bogus "green" tax invented by G. Ordon Broon, went up by 10% at the start of this month. The Coalition seems to be as dishonest as New Labour when it come to applying Stealth Taxes in the name of saving the planet, and then spending the cash raised on things like India's space programme. The tax has now reached a level which discourages both travel and tourism which, curiously, the government reckons are key drivers of growth.
Cheap & Scary!
If you're thinking of flying anywhere and you don't want a heart attack, you might consider giving a miss to the Aussie airline Jetstar. F'r instance, one of their flights nearly had a crash at Changi airport, Singapore, because the pilot was too busy messing about with his mobile phone to notice that the wheels weren't down!
Scousers hold National Iceberg Day?
It might be just our cloth ears, but we distinctly heard one of the presenters on North-West Today talking about Liverpool celebrating the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. Still, lots of people seem to be making money out of it with their souvenirs, so there would appear to be a deal of celebration going on.
British Grand Prix to be cancelled?
The argument for abandoning the Bahrain GP is that there are human rights abuses there. And the same applies to Britain. Thanks to the Bliar regime's 'Uman bloody Rights Act, all sorts of undesirables are abusing the collective 'uman bloody rights of the British people. [Many of them togged up in wigs and related to former prime monsters. Ed.]
Visitors to Mexico City have an added attraction, at the moment the nearby volcano Popocatepetl is putting on a display which will either be lengthy and low-level or end in a Big Bang.
Turn a blind eye, or else!
The kommissars of the UK Border Force seem to think they have the power to prevent people stuck in a long cue @ immigration control from taking photos of the queue and putting them on the Internet. How very New Labour!
That's one thing settled
Rick Sanitorium has given up on his attempt to be the Repubelican candidate in this year's US presidential election, which means that zillionaire cultist Mittens Romney gets the privilege of losing to Pres. O'Bummer in November.
Fans of Newt "the pornographer" Gingrich will be please to note that his campaign collapsed with debts of around $3,000,000.
Besmirching the brand
The latest news from the Discovery TV channel is that their Mythbusters, Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage [the original, accept no imitations], might just sue the 'Elf 'n' Nazi Executive's comic opera Challenge Panel for giving Mythbusters a bad name.
Change of tack
Pres. O'Bummer, facing an unelectable opponent in November, has turned his back on "hope" and "change", both promised in 2008 but not delivered. Next up on the list of doomed concepts will be "fairness".
Irish Stew in the Name of the Law!
Police in Aberdeen have arrested former Labour councillor Renee Slater for entering a shop dummy as a candidate in the upcoming city council elections. "Helena Torry" was offered to the public as an independent candidate for the Hazlehead, Ashley and Queen's Cross ward. The local fuzz also took the dummy into custody. Ms Torry is expected to sue the Aberdeen force for prejudice, racialism, speciesism, materialism and causing emotional distress.
SOMETHING TO REMEMBER . . .
You DO NOT throw a Rock
At a Guy with a Glock!
Something else to thank Labour for
Newly unearthed documents in the National Archives show that the Labour government led by Sunny Jim Callaghan lent the money which the military junta in Argentina used to buy the weapons which were used to attack the Falkland Islands 30 years ago. Even worse, the Liberals in the Coalition want the British taxpayer to forget the £45 million, which Argentina shows no sign of repaying.
Let's hope we get to use it!
England is in need of a rousing anthem for sporting events something a bit more exciting than the National Anthem dirge. Welcome To The Jungle by Guns 'n' Roses is the current fan favourite.
This advert has been withdrawn under a threat of prosecution
[us as well as the advertiser, Ed.] by the UK Advertising Authority.
see www.UKAA.gov.gb/FPRomiley for further information.
FRICTION PRODUCTS of Romiley a smoooooth glide!
What's the big idea, Daily Mail?
Why did this popular national newspaper unload the Samantha "I'm so beautiful it hurts" character on a disbelieving nation? Was it an April Fool that just ran and ran? Or is the Mail so desperate for stuff to space out the adverts that it has to invent a scrapegoat to give its usual suspect columnists someone to take a pop at?
One thing is for sure they should have found better pictures to go with the articles. The ones they used belong to a woman who's more likely to be offered a bag to put over her head than free champagne. And the only reason she would be rushed to the head of a queue would be to get her the hell out of the building as quickly as possible!
Tabloids are getting so desperate for "scoops" that one of them sent a reporter and a photographer to do the dirty on Environment Minister R. Benyon. Their mission was to sneak on to his property, turn on a tap connected to a hosepipe, and take pictures of the resulting gusher. How mean and miserable!
The UKAA is considering prosecuting Friction Products of Romiley for obscenity. One small problem, however the kill-switch reaction to the offending advertisement was so swift that the UKAA is having no luck in finding people who were offended by it!
Are we about to be told that the pretend suicide bomber, who was busted by a million over-armed coppers in London on the last Friday of the month, was just on one of the Olympic junkets on which the Arts Council is wasting billions of pounds? Like the coastal peace camps, the floating pineapple, the Stonehenge bouncy castle, the balloon lanterns along Hadrian's Wall, etc., etc.
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This month's star auction : 2 HAUNTED AA batteries!!
Log on to our website for the full shocking back-story.
www.eBahgum.nry Pride of the North Riding!
More EU craziness
The European Commission's Global Warming Swindlers are lending OUR money [Britain, broke, in Brown Slump] to China [world's 2nd biggest economy, doing great] to plant trees to compensate for the imaginary global warming that China is supposed to be causing by getting mega-rich. And showing lots of lovely dosh into the pockets of the usual euro-cronies, of course.
UK Govt. faces mis-selling scandal of PPI proportions
The banks have had to pay out BILLIONs for selling Payment Plan Insurance to people who didn't need it or wouldn't benefit from it. The government faces the same problem over its plan to force householders with a broken boiler to spend thousands on "green" upgrades. Studies of the government's predictions of the savings to be expected on energy bills have revealed that most the "savings" are exaggerated by up to 400%, and those who choose to repay compulsory loans through higher energy bills will never be able to pay off the loan through savings.
Are there any wheels which haven't come off yet?
Nature, what is now “the world’s least reliable weekly journal of science”, has been caught out yet again in an attempt to promote the agenda of Global Warming Liars & Swindlers.
The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change at the United Nations is about a year away from producing another of its warmist reports and Nature tried to set the agenda with a paper "proving" that all the evidence showing that carbon dioxide levels rise AFTER global warming occurs (not before the warming) is wrong.
One small snag, though the data used for the article in Nature carefully excluded inconvenient data. And when a real expert included this inconvenient truth in the calculations, there was clear evidence of a long period of carbon dioxide levels rising while global temperatures fell and fell.
All of which kind of dumps the Coalition's "Green Steal" and other attempts to reduce Britain's carbon dioxide emissions, which are just a tiny fraction of China's anyway, are a total waste of time and a criminal waste of taxpayers' money.
You just can't win
People in the south of England, who are being flooded by this month's heavy rain, still face the dreaded hosepipe ban as it's the wrong sort of rain. (Or they live on the wrong sort of ground for absorbing rain.)
Torrential rain, gales, rivers bursting their banks, floods and this has been the wettest April on record. So wet, in fact, that people haven't needed to sneak out at night to water their garden in defiance of the hosepipe ban. But it's still the wrong sort of rain, except for farmers.
More of the same is forecast for May.
Maybe you aren't supposed to win
The government has admitted that global temperatures have remained static for the last two decades despite the hysteria of Global Warming Swindlers, who forecast huge rises in temperature on the basis of manufactured data and shrieked that millions of people would die as a result of global warming before the end of the 20th century. The news is particularly unwelcome for the Coalition at a time when the Lib-Dem driven Green Steal is depriving families of hundreds of pounds per year via unnecessary Stealth Taxes.
Something the GWS don't mention
Researchers at New York State University have found that wind farms cause local warming at 10 times the current natural rate. Which means that the more there are, the worse Global Warming will get. And the Swindlers are to blame!
RomDom The ULTIMATE Convenience Store
EVERYTHING MUST GO!!!
Romiley outlet @ 221b Riverside Drive *The price you see is half the price you pay
Child Obesity Breakthrough?
Academics being paid by the European Commission with British taxpayers' money have decided that they know what causes kids to become obese. It's lounging around, watching a television set in the comfort of their room. So the cure for the problem is to ban bedroom TVs. The research project carried out in Belgium, Bulgaria, Germany, Greece, Holland, Luxembourg, Norway, Poland and the UK cost a mere £2,400,000.
Even MORE money down the drain thanks to Bliar & his cronies
The Secret Intelligence Service is trying to do a behind-the-bicycle-racks deal to pay off a Libyan, who was formerly classed as a terrorist. The guy was rendered to the Gaddaffiey regime by New Labour as part of the Blair campaign of cosying up to dictators for fun and profit. Around £1 million is on the table at the moment. But you can bet your bottom dollar that the final bill will be a whole lot more and the Labour cronies who stitched up the dirty deal won't be asked to contribute or take any of the blame.
More blighted countryside traditions
The Dartmoor National Park Authority is abolishing stiles because some visitors are too HUGE to use them. As an alternative, a bulldozer will flatten a gap of suitable size in any walls or hedges which obstruct public footpaths and a council crossing warden will be stationed at each gap to keep livestock where it belongs and to assist fatties to progress along the footpath.
Grover-Garden Auto-Cloning Meat Pies
Too many people for lunch? Just place one of our meat pies in the cloning bag with any suitable raw materials and microwave it for 3 minutes.
This month only: first-generation cloned pies will self-clone as a special offer.
Try our range of self-cloning Quiches for Vegetarians.
Visit Romiley Pie Shop, 44a Riverside Drive
0/10 for Execution, but an E for Effort!
A bloke in gaol in Brazil as a suspected drug trafficker forced his wife to strip (she sez), put on her clothes and a long wig, and actually made it out of the gaol. But a copper noticed a weird-looking "woman" wobbling along on high heels and the fugitive was busted at a bus station. Luckily, his wife had brought along some spare clothing and she was able to leave the gaol decently clad and without mentioning her ordeal to the staff.
Bothersome bloke busted
Following an incident which disrupted the annual Oxford v. Cambridge boat race, a middle-aged Australian man in a wet suit was hauled from the river, arrested and charged with public petulance. The restarted race was won by the team from Cambridge after they broke an oar belonging to the Oxford boat.
PCSO for Bothersome Bloke In an emergency session at Oxford Magistrates' court, the foreigner who wrecked this year's university boat race was made the subject of a Permanent Community Service Order. PCSOs were introduced by the Coalition in response to the failure of New Labour's ASBOs. One of their purposes is to make life uncomfortable for undesirable aliens. PCSO candidates are liable to perform at least 15 hours' community service for as long as they remain in the UK, and they are liable to swingeing fines and terms of imprisonment if they fail to complete the required number of hours of useful public service.
PUBIC SERVICE MASSAGE
The SAS Association Needs YOUR Support!
Victims of Sudden Amnesia Syndrome are prone to distressing gaps in their treasured memories. They can forget lying to their national parliament and being responsible for starting wars and getting hundreds of thousands of people killed, they can forget sucking up to incompetent bankers and ruining the economy of an entire country, they can forget committing abuses in public office whilst doing favours for friends or people who could be expected to do favours for them, and they can even forget being utterly incompetent in office and illegally rendering prisoners to poisonous regimes.
These people and Romiley Reality Clinic need YOUR help and quickly before the Chancellor of the Exchequer applies his new Stealth Tax to Charitable Donations. Please give generously to fund our work of bringing Reality home to SAS victims (with appropriate violence where necessary).
URGENT!! All Donations to Romiley Reality Clinic, 616 Riverside Drive
Dave the Leader faces another rebellion from the real Tories in his party over his plan to blow £2 BILLION on letting GCHQ spy on every phone call, text, email, Internet search, etc., made in the UK. He was dead against it when New Labour wanted to do it. But not any more. A Liberal spokesmouth said: "We didn't scrap ID cards." Which is perfectly true. The Liberals were never in a position of power and able to do this when it was a live issue.
The Easter holiday marks the end of displays of cigarettes in supermarkets. The government believes that hiding them away will stop young people buying them and becoming a drain on the NHS when they get all sorts of horrible, tobacco-related diseases. Realists expect that the ban will cause the black market in tobacco products to grow even faster.
Lack of impact?
It's all very well, teachers voting to strike because they're expected to pay for gold-plated pensions, but given the appalling state of their "product" generations of schoolkids who can't read, write and add up will anyone notice a difference if they don't turn up for work?
Any old excuse will do : Teachers are now threatening to go on strike over plans to scrap their 6-week summer holiday and introduce a 4-term, instead of 3-term, school year.
Fair trade by a monopoly? Joke!
The Royal Mail is restricting the supply of stamps to prevent bulk buying before it shoves its postal rates up from 46p to 60p for 1st class and from 36p to 50p for 2nd class deliveries on Monday, April 30th.
Defending the right
Good luck to the efforts of E. Pickles (Communities Sec.), G. Shapps (housing minister), C. Grayling (employment minister) and all other members of the government as they try to kill off the Conservatory and Boiler Repair Stealth Tax in the Huhne "Green Steal" Stealth Tax package.
B&Q expects to do very well out of the Green Steal as their staff will be assessing what home owners need to do and, no doubt, be talking everything up to maximize the company's profits and their bonuses.
The Get-Rich GOLD Franchise
Consider the following explanation from Kellogg's, the food manufacturer:
". . . the nutritional information on the pack shows a 30g portion of Crunchy Nut cornflakes, with semi-skimmed milk provides 180 Calories which is the same as 180 kcal (1 Calorie = 1 kcal) . . ."
According to the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, this product information complies with EU law. And, by extension, other units of measurement must follow the EU's rule for calories specifically, 1 gram = 1 kilogram!
Which means that YOU can offer 10 kg bars of gold for sale, charge your customers $53,450.65 per bar, and send them 10 g bars!!
And it is perfectly legal to do so under both EU and UK law!!!
Get your 10 g gold bars for ONLY £427.60 [€726.93] (check for current price) from:
Romiley Gold Franchise Supplies, 37c Riverside Drive
Patent of the Month
Those clever people at RomTech have come up with a wireless-technology chip, which can be inserted in pies, pasties, etc. during the manufacturing process to inform the government if the food product is heated up for home consumption and, therefore, a VAT payment is due. Extensive testing has shown that the consumable chip can pass through the human digestive system safely and without being noticed.
Give it to the private sector?
Sky News is the latest segment of the Murdoch empire to admit email hacking. Which means that there is now a compelling argument for letting News International do all of the hacking required by the State, which would allow the government to close down GCHQ and save the taxpayer a ton of money.
Just A Thought . . .
If kids stumble across Internet porn by doing searches for apparently harmless topics, wouldn't it be a good idea to block the use of search engines; Google, Bling, etc.; by everyone under the age of 21?
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