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SO WHERE IS IT? BFN's employees, their relatives and everyone we know (and a lot of people we don't know) are still waiting for our share of the $1M Nobel prize awarded to the people of the European Union rather than its eurocrats, who are bound to steal it.


But will they get away with it?
The Labour party wants to increase voter activity in general elections by giving every person who bothers to vote an entry in a Grand Election Lottery. Other brilliant ideas include introducing a Polling Day National Holiday, and to putting ballot boxes in pubs and betting shops.

Lovieson: head in the sand is the best policy
Unlike his leftie friends, his Lordship is not receptive to ideas. So he is refusing to acknowledge that The Santorini Debate between one of his crew and counsel for the Embarrassed Lovvies ever took place, or that there could have been improper influence exerted on the decision-making over his plan to end free speech in the British Press. Not because he has any evidence but because, apparently, that's the way he wants it to be.
[Let us hope no one manages to convince the government that the inquiry needs to be redone (properly, this time) and the taxpayer is done for another six million quid. Ed.]


Calm down, dears!
The BBC is in crisis. Extra counsellors have been drafted in to console journalists, who are distressed by the lack of a Triple Dip Recession. They were hoping to bludgeon government ministers with it, and give lots of air-time to Labour luvvies wishing to sound off about something which they caused in the first place. But a small upturn in the economy deprived them of this simple pleasure. And now, they're all down in the dumps. Shame.


mayan 2Police-State Censorship 1
Sergeant P. Beale of the Hampshire police took it upon himself to berate the staff of the New Milton Advertiser for printing a story which put a councillor in a bad light and made him feel "unhappy". This appears to be one of the new powers which certain police officers appear to assume have been granted to them by default as a result of the Labour party's support for the worst aspects of the deeply flawed Leveson report and the propaganda efforts of the Hacked Toffs lobby and others.
black squareA senior officer of his police "service" has ticked off Beale for making ‘poorly judged comments’ and displaying ‘a lack of neutrality’. He has received ‘suitable advice’ for future complaints to the meeja. [He's probably been told he has to dress them up as a hate crime. Ed.]

trianglePolice-State Censorship 2
Cumbria police have arrested 3 people for whistle-blowing over the activities of their Political Constabulary Clown. They exposed the invalid expenses claims made by PCC R. Rhodes, who was charging private jaunts in limos to the public purse. The police also attempted a fishing expedition to the Cumberland & Westmorland Herald, demanding emails and other documents relating to the leaked information, but they were sent on their way with a flea in their collective ear.

Wot transparency? Wot impartiality?
As police forces around the country use bits of the Leveson recommendations which suit their own devious purposes, even though Leveson lacks the approval of Parliament and the force of Law, the six-million-quid dog's breakfast is sinking deeper into the mire. Charges of a luvvie-leftie take-over of the drafting process have been compounded by a sex scandal. His lordship doesn't appear to be bovvered by the possibility of improper influence between bedmates, however.
   He might have inquired into breaches of the ethical standards expected of newspaper journalists but he clearly feels that the same standards of conduct should not be expected of the legal trade. Even if an apparent breach of the Bar Council's standards on relationships is involved. All of which is proof that the legal trade is not competent to conduct such inquiries.
   But hey! If Leveson has his way, dodgy doings like those suspected of surrounding his report won't be publishable anyway under his press censorship laws. So all will be rosy in the leftie-luvvie garden again.

No wonder the police are held in such contempt
A teacher is in line for damages against Cumbria police after suffering a blighted career. PC A. Owen caused "disproportionate and unjustifiable" damage to his 'uman rights, according to a High Court judge, by making unfounded and made-up allegations against him and showing a total lack of objectivity and absence of malice.

triangleSecret "justice" is always an abuse of due process
You might not know this, but Britain has a Court of Protection, which was established by New Labour in 2005. It's not for the protection of the people, however. It's a place where judges, lawyers, local authority staff and other "care professionals" can dispense "justice" behind closed doors and avoid publicity. In other words, after the police arrest someone in secret, this is where they can be taken to be gaoled in secret. Doing this is completely against the law, but who's going to object if no one outside the loop knows about it? How very New Labour.
black square"Secrecy lets Bad People doing Terrible Things"? Judge M. Cardinal, who sent Wanda Maddocks down for 5 months in secret also gave her brother, Ivan, a secret suspended jail sentence. How much easier it will be to stop things like this leaking out when the new Labour-Hacked Toffs press censorship quango is in place.


We sent the Greater Manchester PCC the following questions, to which we are still awaiting a reply. But good manners are always were in short supply in good old Labourland.


On behalf of BlackFlag News, I would like to ask the Crime Commissioner how many crimes he has commissioned for the first three months of his period of office, and how many have proceeded to completion to date.

Regards, Gordon Range,
BlackFlag News Co-ordinator.

All correspondents are advised that their response will be considered for publication,
and therefore a considered response would be advisable.


triangle"What a load of rubbish!"
So Lady Thatcher was "the prime minister who divided opinion during her period in office"? And none of the others who have been prime minister did the same? Pur-lease! No wonder all right-thinking people look down on the BBC's journalists and other leftie luvvies if they keep on recycling tripe like this. Next thing you know, they'll be telling us all those coal-mine closures which went ahead under Labour governments didn't actually happen. And Tony B. Liar was really a straight kind of guy.
black squareIt's true!! Gordon Broon wasn't divisive!! He united the country. The only problem is that he united us in bankruptcy.


triangle"Oh, dear, how sad, ha, ha!"
The Gods were against the yobs who tried to burn Mrs. Thatcher in effigy in Trafalgar Square on the weekend before her state funeral. A downpour had soaked their creation so thoroughly that they couldn't get it to light.
[It's a wonder the leftie-luvvie bosses at Scotland Yard didn't have a whip-round for a couple of cans of petrol in the name of diversity. Ed.]


triangle"Nurse, he's out of bed again!"
You can understand E. Milipede feeling narked on being lectured about his lack of policies by Tony B. Liar, the man who lied the country into a ruinous foreign war and left a financial dunce in charge of the Treasury to ruin the economy. But then, Milipede has chosen either the dunce's apprentice, or the guy who was pulling Wee Gordie Broon's strings (according to the Balls Monster), as his own fiscal expert, so Eddie Baby ain't all that clever himself.


triangleDon't Panic!
Bad News: North Korea has declared war on the rest of the world.
Not So Bad News: North Korea's army and weapons are mainly digital copies pasted on CGI graphics for dramatic effect.

triangleStill Don't Panic!
The German Kanzler, Kim Jong-Angela, is believed to be about to declare war on the rest of the world to pacify dissenters at home. Germany now owns a massive chunk of eurozone toxic debt and its people see their future being pissed up the wall, drunken-sailor fashion, as Gordon Brown did with Britain's wealth.

triangleShirkers of the world, rejoice!
The Equality & 'Uman Rights quango has given every worker the right to invent his/her own weird religion, and also the right to sue an employer who doesn't offer things like time off to observe the weird religion's rituals and who fails to rearrange the workplace to fit in with whatever dotty ideas the employee comes up with for his/her weird religion. [weird religion – tautology? Ed.] No wonder the country is broke with new labour luvvies being paid out of the public purse to come up with crap like this.

triangleWhat business is it of theirs, anyway?
The US Navy is thinking of giving the order of the boot to Commander M. Ward on top of relieving him of the command of the submarine USS Pittsburgh. Apparently, the former captain got himself out of an affair by getting an email sent to the unwanted lover (whom Ward met on a dating website) telling her that he was now the late Commander Ward. Clearly, the US Navy doesn't appreciate initiative.

triangleA fist and a half in every pie, or an EU Ministry of Truth via the back door
The European Commission is making a covert bid for control of Europe's news meeja by pouring millions of taxpayers' money into the pockets of leftie luvvie agitation organizations, such as Hacked Toffs, with a view to playing the mentor initially and ultimately taking them over in the name of European harmonization.
 • Once the EU has control of the European news meeja, it will be able to ensure that there is no criticism of the regime and there are no investigations of the EU's endemic corruption and no embarrassing exposures of its cowboy management.

triangleTime for a revival
The descendants of the producers of the highly successful TV series M*A*S*H are gathering descendants of the original cast to make a new series based on the continuation of the Korean War, which the guy with the bad haircut who's in charge of North Korea is hell-bent on restarting.

triangleFollow that ambulance!
The mother of the two Boston Marathon bombing suspects (migrants from Chechnya) is claiming that the FBI has been pulling their strings for years and the "terrorist outrage" was all a set-up. No doubt there's a lawyer somewhere busy working on her compensation claim right now.

trianglePre-emptive justice
Ex-pres of France N. Sarko is accused of taking £40 million from deal Libyan dictator N. Gaddaffy to pay for his 2007 election campaign. So that's why Sarko was so eager to "liberate" Libya and get Gaddaffy killed a couple of years ago – to make sure Gaddaffy didn't make it to the witness box.

triangleMore than one born every minute
How do you make 50 million quid out of selling fake bomb detectors? Sell them to stupid government officials in places like Iraq and Afghanistan, and bribe the ones who aren't stupid. That seems to be the way Mr. J. McCormick unloaded lots of tarted up golf-ball detectors and helped terrorists to kill a lot of people.

Crime News

HHHH to get collar felt?

2 mayanScotland Yard is suffering a terminal credibility gap. Having wasted thousands of hours of police time on dawn arrests of journalists, with the meeja in attendance, the boss of the Metropolitan Police is now in the frame over senior coppers leaking disinformation about the Plebgage conspiracy. The plan has been to issue a layer of spin implying that there was no collusion and lying over the plot which got the Tory chief whip sacked, and follow it up with a coating of whitewash.
   Alas, claims of honesty and transparency from Hulk Hogan Hyphen Howe, the current police boss in London, have been reduced to the status of New Labour spin 'n' lies, and 4H faces a grilling from MPs and possible arrest by his deputy, C. Dick – on whose watch the Brazilian electrician J.-C. de Menezes was killed by armed coppers.

triangleWARNING: People who stumble about in the dark may trip over things
A policewoman is claiming £50,000 compensation because she tripped over a kerb in the dark whilst answering a 999 call to a burglary at a petrol station. She chose to go wandering about in the dark, alone and without a torch, and she wasn't injured enough to prevent her from finding that the burglar was long gone.
   It was only when she joined the parade of police officers trotting off to ambulance-chasing lawyers that she realized that she had a £50K injury. Curiously, one of the grievances on her brief's long list is the absence of a sign warning people that they could trip over the kerb – which she wouldn't have been able to see anyway, having to chosen to stroll about in the dark without a torch.
 • WPC Jones of the Norfolk Constabulary is currently in hiding. There is a possibility that she will be transferred to the Barnett Burgled Bouquet Squad, which takes flowers to burgled citizens instead of catching burglars.
 • The taxpayer is paying out £20 MILLION per year on injury claims made by coppers with the active assistance of the police union.

The ransom potential is ENORMOUS
The Association of Cheap Police Officers is hoping to be able to arrest people and lock them up in secret. A recommendation by Lord "Hacked Orf" Leveson, if implemented, would allow ACPO members to ban all contact between police officers and newshounds, and give them the ability to keep the identity of arrested persons out of the public domain.
   The system would allow suspects to be held for ransom – for information or even cash – to secure their release from a secret lock-up
    It is not thought likely that ACPO members will stop protesting about "The Cuts", even if they get this capacity to extort cash from their victims.

triangleWhy people thinks the police are rubbish—Part 5,872
The police are extending the scope of hate crimes to avoid tackling real crimes but not for hate involving the late Baroness Thatcher. Incitement to violence used to be a crime, but apparently it isn't one if it involves starting riots and burning down public and private property as a "demo" against what Mrs. Thatcher did in office two or three decades ago.

Hate Crime: Imaginary offence created by the police to let them persecute anyone who fails to observe their leftie luvvie political correctitude code? Hence no hate crime if the name of Mrs. Thatcher is invoked?

triangleWhat we say not what we do
"The police are not there to uphold respect," said C. Jones, Commander of the Order of the Metropolitan Police, "we are there to uphold the law." She might have added, "And our failure to do the latter explains the lack of respect that people show to the police."

triangleWhat "cause" would that be?
The Old Bailey trial of one of the "protesters" from St. Paul's cathedral confirmed a lot of suspicions. Most of them were there for a chance to spend the whole day drinking and shagging before going home instead of spending the night in a draughty ten. Or they turned up for a weekend of the above activities, with the odd bit of rape and pillage thrown in. And the "cause" was totally irrelevant.

triangleBe careful what you ask for – you might just get it
Like the man in Plymouth, who doused himself with petrol whilst violently drunk and threatened to set fire to himself. So members of the Devon & Cornwall police "service" shot him with a taser (the use of which is forbidden when there are flammable liquids around) and made it happen.

triangleA different version of the law for them?
Three Moslems, who planned to blow up Birmingham and commit mass murder, have been given notional gaol sentences. "Probably something to do with diversity," our Crime Correspondent concluded.



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travel news

2 mayanMake 'em to break 'em
The staff at Honda's vehicle testing track have had to dig potholes in the road surface to find out if their vehicles can stand up to the delights of motoring on Britain's broken and unmaintained roads.

2 mayanA Magnificent Memorial?
The Margaret H. Thatcher International Airport will be built on Boris Island as an alternative "get the economy moving" strategy to inflicting the H2S rail link between London and Birmingham on an unwilling nation.

2 mayanOn yer bike, kid!
Oh, dear! Things look bleak for Redward Milipede if he's getting wiggings from Tony B. Liar for being clueless and crap. The only problem is – if Eddie-Baby starts developing leadership skills and he gains power, we'll all be dragged back into the ruin inflicted on the country by Mr. Liar and New Labour. Always assuming Mr. Liar doesn't stage a coup in the Labour party and achieve his ambition of a 4th term as prime monster.

2 mayanDon't mention the Moslems
The reason has been revealed why SNCF banned Black and North African railway workers from the Gare du Nord in Paris suddenly last month. The president of Israel was passing through and the French government didn't want him to be offended by seeing Moslems wandering about without the armed escort, which they are required to have in Israel.


Baroness Thatcher, a true Conservative politician, 87

She became the first female leader of a serious British political party in 1975, when she launched former Tory leader Edward Heath into a mammoth political sulk and, four years later, she became prime minister of a country driven into the dust by successive Labour regimes. Under her leadership, Britain became prosperous again and respected around the world.
   She took on the trade unions and put them in their place. She took Britain into a successful war when Argentina invaded the Falkland Islands, hoping to distract the people at home from the woes imposed by a repressive military dictatorship. She stood up to the other members of the European Union when they tried to grab power and wealth from Britain, and she had no problem with standing up to the Americans when they got things wrong.
   She transformed British society. And then her own party felt that it was time to take another direction. The result was John Major and then the Tony B. Liar/Gordon Broon disaster and back to economic disaster under New Labour. She will be remembered as one of the great prime ministers of the 20th century and the enemy of leftie luvvies and parasites everywhere.


He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!


2 mayanSo much for the experts Part 204:
Everyone knows that "organic" food is substantially the same as "inorganic" food – apart from the designer mark-up. But a recent study involving organic foods labelled as both "organic" and "non-organic" has found that people tend to fall for a "health halo effect", a variant of the placebo effect.
   The punters decided that samples labelled "organic" were lower in calories and fat, and better tasting, than identical products labelled "non-organic", and therefore preferable. The only exception was biscuits. The punters decided that non-organic ones would be made with "naughty" ingredients and, therefore, had to be more pleasurable to eat.


reissued vampire noteA blast from the past
Germany has chosen to dive back into its troubled past for the design of its new 10,000 euro notes. Back in the days of yore, the Germans issued a "vampire" banknote to illustrate what they felt that the Treaty of Versailles was doing to their country, which had entered a period of rampant inflation.
   A great many Germans feel that the eurozone is about to have the same effect on their wealth, and they're just plucking up the courage to let their political leaders know that they have done enough posturing with other people's money.

triangleMore spin 'n' fantasy
The Coalition is pretending that its massive welfare shake-up will reduce the benefits bill. In fact, all the government can hope to achieve is a small reduction in the rate of increase of the welfare budget. The rest is wishful thinking and Labour crocodile tears.

triangleSafe (for now)
The prime monster has delivered a ringing personal endorsement for his Chancellor, G. Osborne, whose popularity in the party is dragging in the dirt. Dave the Leader has assured George that Bill Hague will not get his job. But as Bill Hague doesn't want the job, that means that someone else is being lined up for it and the tenants of 11 Downing Street should start packing.

triangleFair's fair
The Commission on Banking Standards would like a lifetime ban from the financial sector for the three top executives who cost the taxpayer £28 BILLION by ruining HBoS with bad debt. Could we get G. Broon, who persuaded the boss of Lloyds TSB to take over HBoS at a drinks do (and lumbered the taxpayer with bankrupt Lloyds TSB) and his understrapper E. Balls included in the ban for their failure to regulate?

triangleWhat a huge drain they had
New Labour gave £4.5 MILLION in overseas aid via DfID to Russian ministries to make them more efficient, effective and transparent, and to improve Russia's business environment. Looks like the cash went straight into the Putinocracy's secret bank account as there's no sign that it was ever spent on the intended purposes.


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GW sloganBrilliant, or what?
The Met Office is claiming a success rate of 66% for its long-range forecasts – but their criterion for success is a "helpful" forecast rather than an accurate one. BFN's statistician examined their claims and reached two conclusions:
1. the Met Office will be dead wrong one-third of the time; and
2. You can rely on everything else being either right or wrong.
Which doesn't exactly add much of a confidence level to the Met Office's Global Warming Doomy Predictions.

It's only taxpayers' cash
Ed "Liberal with your dosh" Davey's Dept. of Energy has handed £10 MILLION in bonuses to its employees whilst doing its level best to make energy unaffordable. This is the Liberal party's strategy for keeping the lights on for its millionaires. Ed believes that if poor people can't afford gas and electricity, the meagre amounts that his policies will provide will be enough to keep the rich, and government employees, supplied.

Thanks a bunch, Ed
It's April 1st, enter the Carbon Price Floor Stealth Tax, which will raise the wholesale price of electricity by 17% (and probably shove the retail price up by 42%) over the next 3 years and push around 200,000 people into fuel poverty. The tax with do nothing for the environment and the government's label of a "green" tax is a lie. It's just another Gordon Brown-style revenue-raiser.

GW sloganCooked books
Was this year's the Coldest Easter Ever? Only if you accept the Met Office's decision to discount all records from before 1948 [actually, it's 1960, we've just learnt Ed.] in the interests of pursuing its A Global Warming Disaster is Coming agenda.

GW sloganAlarmism exposed
A groups of ecological scientists at the University of Adelaide have looked at claims by Global Warmistas that the Earth could reach a tipping point into a sudden, irreversible change and concluded that the doomsday talk is sheer alarmism.
   Small, regional ecosystems, such as lakes and grasslands, do undergo rapid and irreversible changes, but the odds against everything lining up to make a planet-wide change are too huge to take seriously.

GW sloganIt's Global Cooling we really have to worry about!
A study led from the University of Colorado @ Boulder has found that human activity is put into the shade by volcanoes. Rather than warming in the 21st century, the Earth has been cooling thanks to radiation-reflecting, sulphur dioxide aerosols blown into the stratosphere by no more than moderate volcanic eruptions.
   So if our demented leaders close down our coal-fired power stations and price electricity out of the reach of most of the population, millions of residents of the British Isles will freeze to death. But, hey! It's one way to cure the overcrowding problem caused by New Labour.


A message to the govt. and all the Swindlers

We've just had the coldest Easter Sunday of all time
(according to the Met Office's truncated records)

The War against Global Warming has been WON !!!

Now, kindly move on

Home News
UK Flag

mayan2Latest scam
Some Indian rings you up claiming to be from Sky and asks you if your Sky box is working. A pitch for money will follow unless you deny having a Sky box (even if you do have one).

mayan2The most obvious April Fool ever . . .
. . . has to be the claim by the Met Office that temperature records in Britain began in 1960. (This was the basis of their assertion that this year's Easter Sunday was the coldest one ever. Ed.)

mayan2Reactionaries reacting
The teaching unions are up in arms over the new national curriculum, which requires pupils to learn facts, which can be used as anchor points for building a body of knowledge. The teachers would prefer to retain the New Labour fuzzy approach to "learning", which involves things like asking pupils to imagine what it would feel like to be a victim of the Black Death which, as any fule kno, was caused by Tory cuts to the NHS.

mayan2No wonder people think the police are rubbish
It must be true: it was in the Daily Disaster. In the olden days, only homophiles could get away with shagging in public parks. But the police have now extended their outdoor rights to everyone else by designating parks and commons as Public Sex Environments; presumably, in response to a new Dogging Diversity Directive. In addition, PSE clients also seem to be exempt from litter laws with regard to used condoms. Next thing you know, Stockport Council will be appointing staff to a new PSE department and the Council Tax will shoot up even more.

mayan2Everyone's an expert
Labour's toffs are ordering Eddie-baby Milipede to commit political suicide. Instead of mindless opposition to everything the government does, the toffs want some policies – even knowing that anything Eddie comes up with will be total rubbish and expose him to even more derision.

Cause & Effect?
If there any connection between the fact that N. Clegg, the pretend deputy prime monster, wants the nation to know that he buys his pants there and the almost 2-year slump in sales at Marks & Sparks?

mayan2Fair's fair
As they pay for the Labour party, it seems only fair for the trade unions to demand the right to vet parliamentary candidates to make sure that they aren't Bliarites. And that they should be able to order Red Ed Milibandit to remove any residual Bliarite contamination from his Shadow Cabinet.

mayan2Snoops' Charter Sunk
Calamity Clegg has call time on the plan, inherited from Labour, to snoop on all phone and email traffic in Britain. He was all in favour of it when he and Dave the Leader took power, but he has decided that not backing the idea is a good way to deflect attention from his M&S Pantsgate embarrassment.

world news

mayan2Government of the People by the International Criminal
Surprise! the supreme court of Kenya has rejected accusations that the recent presidential election was rigged, so there will be the usual riots whilst the usual suspects get on with filling their boots.
 • The International Criminal Courts wants the new president to face crimes against humanity charges. But we all want something and "I want" doesn't always translate to "I get".
 • Dave the Leader was eager to be among the first to become the new president's pal and help with the boot-filling process, courtesy of Britain's lunatic overseas aid programme.

mayan2Tit for tat
President Putin of all the Russias has put himself on a collision course with the Eurocourt of 'Uman bluddy Rights by banning adoption of Russian kids by foreign homophile couples (or trios or quartets). This is a tangential consequence of a retaliatory swipe by the Russian government at the US government, which has banned Russians who are considered to be 'uman rights abusers (by the dubious standards of the US govt.) from entering God's Country.

mayan2Qualified sympathy
On hearing of the bombing at the Boston Marathon, it's difficult not to start thinking "what goes around comes around" – recalling that a goodly number of Boston citizens gave aid and enthusiastic support to Irish terrorists when they were blowing up and maiming people in Britain. Now, they know exactly what their donations were buying.

The EU, better OUT than INLies, damn lies and EU guesses
The European Commission would have us believe that a mere £348 MILLION of its budget is lost to fraud. The British government reckons that 3.4% of its own budget is stolen, which would make the EU's losses at least £4 BILLION at the same rate of attrition and, factoring in the recognized (much higher) rate of theft and corruption in the EU, the more probable figure is £12.8 BILLION stolen from the EU budget. Something to remember next time the European Parliament comes round with its collecting tin.


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mayan2The blind leading the blinded
Nul points for the staff of the school in Essex, who banned triangular flapjack pieces. Clearly, they failed to understand that square and rectangular flapjacks have 25% more pointy bits than triangles – which suggests that they qualified under New Labour, which never let facts get in the way of PC pottiness.

Far Queue List

Far Queue symbol WPC K. Jones of the Norfolk Constabulary. Plus PC r. Seymour of Surrey Police, who is trying the same trick.

Far Queue symbol The NHS 111 "helpline".

Far Queue symbol Amazon, which is selling bogus and illegal "cancer cures".

Far Queue symbol All GPs with a stake in a private company, which will benefit from their NHS commissioning group activities.

Far Queue symbol The members of the House of Commons who demanded a lift attendant because they're too bloody lazy to push a button.

Far Queue symbol Judge P. Bowers, who thinks burglars shouldn't go to gaol because they are courageous and paedophiles shouldn't go to gaol because they'd have a hard time there.

Far Queue symbol The Labour Luvvies who think welfare payments don't need policing and Mick Philpott is a valued customer.

Far Queue symbol The HBoS Three – J. Crosby, D. Stevenson and A. Hornby, all of whom marched into other highly paid jobs after driving the bank into the dust at great cost to both its shareholders and the taxpayer.

Far Queue symbol The BBC, which claimed that its cosmetic move to Salford (up North for anyone who's never been there) and the MediaCity site would create lots of jobs for the locals. [34 at the last count. Ed.]

Far Queue symbol A. Barnes, crime commissioner for Kent, who gave a £15K non-job to a rather silly, 17-year-old girl.

Far Queue symbol J. McGovern, MP for Dundee West, who cost the taxpayer £27,000 by fighting, and losing, a bogus expenses claim.

Far Queue symbol Former Tory politician F. Maude, who thinks Tony B. Liar deserves as big a state funeral as Lady Thatcher's. [Say anything to get noticed, eh? Ed.]

Far Queue symbol Cumbria police and their commissioner.

Far Queue symbol The bloke who uses Lady Thatcher as an alibi for being jobless and skiving on benefits for 30 years.

Far Queue symbol The Surrey police "service", which knew that the News of the Screws (R.I.P.) hacked murdered Amanda Dowler's voicemail back in 2002, could have prevented the whole phone-hacking scandal and the waste of £6 million on the Leveson inquiry, but chose to do nothing.

Far Queue symbol Kent constabulary, which has a policy of letting burglars go if the arresting officers are at the end of their shift.

Far Queue symbol "Far queue, far queue very much!" – Frank Zappa.

The Far Queue: the traditional parking place for everything "not wanted on voyage".

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