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Lethal biscuits?
Why does the McVitie's digestives TV ad use the theme from Murder, She Wrote? Are they trying to tell us that if you eat one of their bisquits, you'll be murdered by Jessica Fletcher? What sort of incentive to buy their bisquits is that!!??
Bright but bumbling
What sort of kids are going to university today? The ones at Robert Gordon University (Aberdeen) have had to be issued with instructions on how to use revolving doors after one of them suffered an arm injury whilst struggling with one of these complicated mechanisms.
Time cheapskates
The days in Scotland are obviously a lot shorter than they are here in England since the Gnats took charge. Thus question 20 of the Broons family quiz in the Sunday Post on the last Sunday of the month would have us believe that 1,140 minutes make 1 day.
Wobbler Osborne
By threatening to move the bank's headquarters out of London if the UK leaves the EU, the HongKong & Shanghai Bank for Criminals has blackmailed our silly Chancellor into:
- cutting the bank levy;
- sacking the head of the City watchdog for taking his job too seriously and actually scrutinizing what banksters are doing;
- watering down new measures to hold bank bosses accountable for the criminality of their employees so that top banksters won't go to gaol or lose their bonuses; and
- cancelling an inquiry by the Financial Services Authority into banking practices and pay in the industry.
Not bad for not actually doing anything.
Miracles always happen
How lucky it is for forensic investigators that a bit of the blade always breaks off inside the victim when someone is stabbed. And the Cheesies are always able to find the weapon and make an exact match between it and the fragment. At least, what's what the CSI programmes would have us believe. The ones that claim they're in touch with real life.
Time wasters
The members of the UN Working Group on Arbitrary Detention have arbitrarily ruled that the fugitive from justice J. Assange, currently holed up in the embassy of Ecuador at great inconvenience to the inmates, has been arbitrarily detained.
The mindless ruling ignored the central fact of the matter; which is that Assange has imprisoned himself voluntarily and he is perfectly free to leave the embassy at any time. Even if he is facing being busted under a European Arrest Warrant issued by the Swedish police as a suspect in sex crimes.
5 Murderers re-elected as MPs?
IPSA, the so-called parliamentary watchdog, is withholding the names of five MPs, all of whom have been reported to the police for suspected criminal offences. Which leaves the rest of us wondering which of the Westminster Wonders is a killer, rapist, embezzler, traitor or whatever. And that cloud of suspicion includes Dave the Leader.
No wonder he's doing his best to cripple the Freedom of Information Act, which was Tony B. Liar's greatest mistake. [Lying to get the country into George W. Bush's war in Iraq can hardly be described as a mistake if it was part of the master-plan to become mega-rich. Ed.]
No wonder MPs are eager to vote themselves anonymity when they are arrested.
 Given the amount of messing about they've done, including redoing the ending, is it still legitimate for the BBC to pretend that their latest epic is Tolstoy's War & Peace? Probably not.
Lame ducker
Hulk Hogan Hyphen Howe, the stooge in charge of the Metropolitan Police, has been lobbying for a 3-year extension to his contract. Our dim-witted Home Sec., T. May, has given him an extra year instead of the sack, which he so richly deserves.
Is the entire British justice system run by idiots?
50% of police farces in England & Wales won't warn the public about violent suspects on the run because public safety is trumped by the suspected criminal's 'uman right to privacy and the Data Protection Act. Although senior coppers have been told that they are wrong about this, they still continue on their merry way. Which raises the question of whether they are stupid, lazy or both.
And who created the entirely bogus 'uman right? Bewigged buffoons calling themselves judges, who have stretch the concept of 'uman rights away from protecting people from the excesses of oppressive regimes to ludicrous lengths in pursuit of their own dotty political agendas.
And where has all this 'uman rights farce got us? To an automatic assumption that any police officer we encounter is a bumbling jobsworth and a judge is someone who's so out of touch with reality that he/she is pretty well certifiable.
Cops with too much cash
The Wiltshire police farce moans about "The Cuts" with all the rest but its bosses plan to waste hundreds of thousands of pounds on trawling through the files of the late Sir Edward Heath, the former prime minister, in an attempt to fit him up with an historic child abuse charge, which will never be answered because Sir Edward is no longer with us.
Jobsworth, you die!
A female traffic warden, who stuck a ticket on a car which had run out of petrol over the protests of a passenger who explained that the driver had gone for a can of fuel, is in hiding after receiving death threats.
 Merthyr Tydfil council, which employs the jobsworth, has been shamed into cancelling the ticket.
Airline rip-off
The cost of jet fuel has dropped by 70% over the last 2 years. But have the airlines passed the reduction on to their customers? Anyone who answered "yes" should head for the back of the class immediately. As usual, the airlines have all sorts of excuses for why a major cost like fuel has no impact on their prices. Except when the fuel price goes up and they have to add a surcharge. Which is never removed. As any fule kno.
Quick and easy solution to pressing social problem
There is a very simple solution to the problem of ignorant immigrants, who feel that they have a 'uman right to grope local ladies who are trying to enjoy a night out. Just let them know that the offending hand will be chopped off. That will put an end to the problem, one way or another, very quickly.
Little known history revealed
Q: Why was the main UNO building built in New York?
A: Because people visiting the United States then had marginally more chance of surviving their ordeal that people who had to take their life into their hands by going to Soviet Russia.
Dave's deal is history
Dave the Leader's "deal" on EU "reform" has been watered down to just about nothing, and what there is of it won't be legally binding on the EU Parliament or likely to be included in future treaties. And we've even got characters like the Greek prime minister saying he'll veto it as an act of revenge for not getting his way on unrelated matters. So even though Dave claimed the final shambles as a great triumph, it was all a waste of time and effort. But hey, that's what the EU is all about.
Posturing Putin
The Russians are at it again. Despite having one of its planes shot down last November for invading Turkish airspace, the Putinocracy is still trying to provoke Turkey with further incursions and the usual lies after the event. "It wasn't us, honest, and we were nowhere near your border ever, honest."
Vlad the Putin is getting so desperate to be seen as a victim that there is a strong possibility that he will authorize the shooting down of one of his own planes if he thinks he can stick the blame on the Turks.
Dreamland
Labour's current defence mouthpiece, the snobby E. Thornberry, thinks Trident will be made obsolete by underwater drones. Clearly, no one has told her how much sea there is for a submarine to get lost in, and how unlikely it would be for one of her drones to find it at the critical moment. But then, she's typical of Corbyn's cronies; self-absorbed and no contact with the real world.
We will bury you again, just like last time!
Russia's bookmark prime minister, D. Medvedyev, has put the world out of its misery by declaring a new cold war. So we no longer need to pretend that Russia is a modern, enlightened democracy. The Evil Empire has been reincarnated in Putin's kleptocracy.
Eyes on you always
HMRC is nothing if not ambitious. The next Big Plan is to create a vast digital spider web, which will be linked to everyone's bank accounts; current, savings, ISA, etc., to allow continuous monitoring of how much money everyone has.
The result will be huge increase in HMRC's costs with no realistic hope of raising enough additional tax revenue to cover them. But hey, that's what government is all about; empire building and wasting vast amounts of taxpayers' money.
Fair's fair
If it costs Great Britain £350,000 to train a junior doctor to the point of being able to bugger off to Australia for an easier life, then that should be the price of the certificate of professional competence which they need to go there.
Dishonest AND stupid?
The EU's auditors have refused to endorse an illegal budget for the 21st year in succession. But the finance ministers of 25 of 28 member nations were prepared to endorse misspending of some £10 BILLION which went on irregular and illegal payments, and the usual institutional corruption involving officials and known criminal organizations.
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Tokenism is Dave's Big New Plan
Dave the Leader is backing racial quotas for top universities. Quality would go in favour of tokenism in an attempt to put more non-white students into Oxbridge at the expense of white students who are more qualified and therefore more deserving to build social cohesion. Not.
What Dave is ignoring is that the sort of schools attended by poor white and non-white kids fail to educate them to university standard. And who's to blame for that? The trendy lefties who took exception to grammar schools back in the 1960s and who have been doing their best to dumb down the education system ever since.
Q: Why is it that every other programme on TV seems to involve cooking?
A: Because you're watching the wrong TV channels.
The U-turn that Dave will never make: become a real Conservative.
It seems to be the fashion of the moment with everyone anyone's heard of popping off like David Bowie, Terry Wogan et al, so RIP Lord Lucan No. 7, who finally had a death certificate. [Well, Lord Lucan No. 8 has. Ed.]
Down with Dr. Death!
A small crowd staged a protest march to Downing Street in the first week of the month. A number of luvvie from the fashion and acting industries were present to urge Dave the Leader to save the NHS from the BMA.
More tokenism
Black racialists plan to boycott the Oscars unless there are quotas for ethnic minorities, and there was a gang of them at the Baftas demanding quotas based on race, not talent and box-office appeal.
Dave's damn lies
There has been a wonderful deal made with the EU and Dave the Leader has got everything he promised he's extract from the EU. Well, that's the initial spin. Keep watching to see how Dave's Big Deal unravels.
M. Thompson, the head of Momentum, the official Corbyn fan club, is a convicted election fraudster.
Dave, it's crap and you know it
Dave the Leader's miserable deal with the EU has lumbered the taxpayer with hiring more civil servants to work out child benefit rates for each EU migrant's home country and apply a scaling factor based on the length of time the migrant has been in Britain. So any potential for saving money is right out the window right away. Worse, it all has to be agreed with the EU's scrounger nations and it will take upwards of 2 years to reprogram DWP computers, and the system is bound to be an expensive failure, if past government computer contracts can be used as a guide.
The best descriptions of Dave's EU deal: 1. A pale shadow of a pale shadow.
2. Polished poo.
Stuff your nonsense, Dave
Changes to Britain's relationship with the EU would require the agreement of the other 27 states to become legally binding PLUS treaty changes, which will take 4-5 YEARS to complete. And yet Dave the Leader is pretending that he can get it all done and dusted before a summer 2016 referendum. Maybe Dave should be forced to change his surname from Cameron to B. Liar.
People talk about David Cameron wanting to "cement his legacy". But what has he actually achieved? [Long pause with lots of blank stares] Maybe a pair of cement boots and a trip to the middle of the English Channel would be more appropriate.
Weasel words from a weasel PM
Dave the Leader has come up with a new scam to support over-priced electricity from wind farms. He is burdened with a manifesto pledge to stop subsidies to new wind farms so he's planning to continue to pay the cash but not call it a subsidy.
Subsidies to largely cosmetic wind farms are already costing the taxpayer over £800 MILLION/year.
Common sense abandoned
There is a growing trend for the insertion of warning notices into DVDs. By law, they should all be made to read something like:
Warning: some of these cartoons are a product of their time. They are comedic episodes but mean-spirited miserable bastards have trawled them for imagined ethnic and racial prejudices. If you are not a mean-spirited bastard, you are advised to ignore this warning.
Wonderful, but not as we know it, Jim
Are we thrilled that a new art gallery in Cambridge is show-casing unsung heroes of British modern art? Actually, no. Not if a lot of the exhibits can be classed as Chimp or Elephant Art: the sort of daubs which are offered by zoos seeking publicity for their existence by putting a paintbrush into the hand of a cute chimpanzee or the trunk of a cute elephant.
Colour streaked onto a piece of board or canvas can be, very occasionally, amusing and interesting through visual complexity. But in the main, it shows exactly why no one with any aesthetic values ever sang the praises of the "artists" concerned.
Credibility gap
A reader writes: "The selling slogan is The mobile network run by you. But I have no idea how to run a mobile phone network. So how much confidence do you think I have in this outfit? Apart from none, of course."
That thing about people having more money than sense: it's true!
According to an article in the Sunday Telegraph at the 2nd weekend of this month, there are some weird women in the world. Having gone through painful laser surgery to get their public hair removed to look like a porn star, some are now undergoing an excruciatingly painful procedure to grow (some) of it back. Presumably, to stop looking like a porn star.
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 Dave the Leader and his phoney negotions with the EUrocraps.
RMT union boss S. Hedley, who thinks all Tories should be taken out and shot. [Maybe after we've hanged all the lawyers and dropped all the trade union leaders down a deep, dark hole? Ed.]
The bosses at Age UK, who got big bucks for promoting an E.ON gas & electricity deal, which rips off pensioners.
S. Davies, the chief medical officer for England, who agonizes over whether it will give her cancer before she chugs down another glass of wine.
Bury council's decision to have three-weekly bin collections has resulted in complaints about rat and mouse infestations going up by 20%.
Hulk Hogan Hyphen Howe.
M. Brittin, president of 3%gle in Europe, Africa and the Middle East, claims he doesn't know how much he's paid. Which leaves us wondering how such a poor liar got the job.
Junior doctors who say they're striking to protect the NHS then take their expensive training to Australia.
They called him "Bray" Wyatt of the WW because he's a real donkey. They could have called him Gobbler because he's also a turkey. He offers the customers paradise, which comes out as "pair a dice"; which, presumably, will always come up Snake Eyes.
“Far queue, far queue very much!” – Frank Zappa.
The Far Queue: the traditional parking place for everything "not wanted on voyage". |
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top | Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, February MM16. |
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