BlackFlag News
 
 2017/October 
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Time to put the blame where it belongs

 *S*T*U*N*T* NEWS 

 
Inappropriate, but who cared?
Zero brand tequilabullet ZERO ALCOHOL AT THE WHEEL was a prominent advertising slogan at the Mexican Grand Prix. Only the Mexicans could be allowed to get away with advocating drink-driving at an event like this. They'd never get away with it at the British GP!!
   Just a thought, but maybe there's an explanation here for why S. "it's never my fault" Vettel drove into the back of champion-in-waiting Louis Hamilton's car and sent him to the back of the field with a puncture: a spot too much of dead-worm delight?

What is the point?
bullet Ex-president O'Bummer has been told that he will be required to report for jury duty in an area of Chicago, where he has one of his homes, in November. Which is clearly just a publicity stunt on the part of the judge who called him up. After all, what prosecutor or defence counsel in his right mind is likely to want such a huge distraction from their arguments on a jury?

Sack this guy at once!
bullet Alleged justice minister D. Ledington is trying to undo previous incumbents' resistance to the EU's insistence on giving the vote to convicts.
   Natch, he's starting in a small way. He wants everyone who hasn't dropped off the voting register due to a year's incarceration to retain their vote. No doubt votes for fraudsters, terrorists and murderers will follow in due course.
   Of course, Labour is in favour of giving the vote to criminals as it sees them as natural Labour supporters.

Non-news about fake news
bullet The experts have concluded that the proliferation of fake news in all of them has undermined trust in the antisocial meeja; which assumes that anyone ever had any trust in the pronouncements of anonymous trolls, dippy celebs and the plain ignorant.

 DEPARTURES 

 
Catalonia (from Spain)
bullet The people of the richest area of the Iberian peninsula (well, some of them) have decided to stop subsidizing the rest of Spain. The Catalans have their own language and culture, and see themselves as an independent tribe, which enjoys saying "NO!" to the parasites in Madrid, who are now arranging an armed invasion to sort out the dissidents.
red blob Scottish nationalists are beaming approval on the move whilst knowing that they would never enjoy Catalonia's financial independence if they cut their own throats and went cold turkey from English subsidies.
red blob If the EU turns its back on Catalonia, no doubt the Putinocracy will be more than willing to offer a helping hand to a new friend. Purely in the interests of international trouble-making, of course.

 HUMP NEWS 

 
red blob Some of the gondoliers in Venice have a severe case of the hump because lots of passengers on their incredibly expensive boat rides choose to gawp at a phone rather than admire the splendour of the city around them. [And breathe in the stink from the polluted canals? Ed.] But the gondoliers themselves have come under fire for not making an effort to distract their customers and sell the city's best points.
red blob Drivers of electric cars in Norway have the hump because the government is proposing to end a large subsidy on high-end vehicles; mainly those made by the US manufacturer Tesla. Proponents of the bill have pointed out that these heavy cars cause more damage to road surfaces than conventional vehicles and should therefore pay more tax towards highway maintenance. The electric car lobby is yelling: "Tesla Tax" and hoping that will be enough. "It's Dieselgate all over again," complained one frustrated motorist.
red blob The International Olympic Committee has the hump because residents of the Austrian state of Tyrol have used a referendum to vote down the notion of holding the 2026 Winter Olympics @ Innsbruck. Opponents of the Games are worried about being stuck with a financial deficit and the environmental impact.
red blob The so-called Immortals at the Académie Française, the official guardians of the French language, are in a flat spin again. No, not because of the pernicious infiltration of English words. It's the "inclusivists" who have upsetting them to the extent of their issuing a "solemn warning" about the future of the French language.
   The inclusivists are revising words to include both the masculine and feminine forms of nouns to an accompaniment of the usual BS about gender equality and making women more visible. Brevity is obviously not one of their vices.
   Thus citizen used to be handled by using just the masculine form of the noun, citoyen, but the inclusivists insist on writing the word as citoyen.ne. Consumers become consommateur.rice.s, an actor has to be an acteur.rice., engineers are ingénieur.e.s and a director has to be a directeur.rice.
   The Académie is worried that messing about with words like this will put future generations off written French. And there are also pronunciation implications for the bastard forms.

 TREE NEWS 

 
Timber!
bullet There is a lot of dead wood in Italy. Rome, for instance, has reached a state described as “beyond an emergency” in terms of the tree population, one of which fell onto a moving taxi and two other vehicles on the 4th Monday of this month. The taxi driver was taken to hospital but the tourist passengers escaped unharmed. The other vehicles suffered just minor damage.
   Whenever it gets windy, Rome's ancient trees shed branches or fall over, blocking railway lines and damaging buildings as well as vehicles. The city council has decided that 3% of its 15,000 of its trees need pruning or more drastic treatment. But there seems to be no great rush to tackle the problem.

 TRAVEL NEWS 

 
Yep, I was there too!
bullet The German Tourist Board is working on a list of the most-selfied town signs featured by visitors on anti-social meeja. Among the favourites are:
Haßloch ["hate hole", Rhineland-Palatinate]
Kotzen ["to vomit", Brandenburg]
Feuchtwangen ["moist cheeks”, Bayern]
Busendorf ["breast town", south of Berlin] — see also
Busenberg ["breast mountain", Rhineland-Palatinate]
Wankendorf ["stagger town”, Schleswig-Holstein]
Fickmühlen ["shag mills" is the expurgated version,
   Niedersachsen]
Rammelsbach ["screwing creek", Rhineland-Palatinate] and
Poppenweiler ["humping hamlet", Ludwigsburg, Baden-Württemberg]

There's nowt as annoying as tourists
bullet The latest craze for Chinese and Japanese tourists is to take selfies with the remains of Grenfell Tower in the background. The locals are up in arms but they are bound to be fighting a losing battle with the forces of history. Grenfell Tower is the new Colosseum for some.

Well, that was a bit of a laugh
bullet Talk about driving the wheels off the bloody car!!! It was Vettel's fault that his Ferrari became a Reliant Robin on the slow-down lap of the last Malaysian Grand Prix for a while, so the stewards just looked blank and whistled a merry tune to themselves and pretended it never happened.

Kinder, gentler politics; or is it Necrotizing Fascism?

Hang The Tories banner

bullet "Hang The Tories?" Really? In that case: "Kill All Labour Scum Slowly & Painfully" or even: "Wouldn't it be fun to blow up Corbyn and make it look like IS got him?"
Ain't the new politics fun??!!

Okay, let's move on
bullet The Prime Minister offered her party a formal apology at the annual Conservative party conference, which was held in Manchester this year. She is sorry for running a bogged general election campaign during the summer. Anyone interested in details of its failings can seek out a copy of the book compiled by E. Pickles under the title: "126 Things That Theresa Got Wrong, The Idiot".

The cheap seats are over there, madam!

The Conservatives received a warm welcome from Mancunians in their characteristic urban leisurewear, which includes a mask to avoid identification by the police and sneaky CCTV cameras, a weapon suitable for committing a murderous assault and a flare to torch the evidence remaining after the Mancie has indulged in a spot of looting—or "aggravated shopping", as the Labour party calls the sport. As usual, GM Police had somewhere else to be when the locals were being Corbynasties.

Corbynasty in Manchester

Something else the ‘experts' got wrong
bullet The news wings of BBC and Channel 4, all sorts of MP rent-a-gobs, ditto academics and, of course, the Eurocrats scoffed at the idea of people flocking from East Europe to the UK when their transitional limitation period ran out in 2014. Even though this is exactly what happened when New Labour opened our borders to spite the Tories a decade earlier.
   The last count of Romanians and Bulgarians living here came to over 400,000, most of them Romanians (80%-ish). And people wonder why there's a housing shortage and schools are bulging.

Well-meaning if futile
bullet In Switzerland, public toilets are illuminated with blue lights so that drug addicts can't find their veins. Which seems to assume that everyone in need of a fix is too dim to pack a torch in their kit or take along a miner's helmet.

Panic in the streets in Heide
bullet You take your life into your hands if you go touring in Schleswig-Holstein! Aggressive wild pigs have been running riot in town centres, forcing the police to warn people not to leave buildings. Unless, of course, the pig is in them, as happened when one invaded a supermarket. Police and firemen had to break windows to rescue trapped customers. The 70 kilo monster was finally despatched by a sniper.

 GESTURE POLITICS 

 
Cheapskates
bullet The Maltese government has offered an "unprecedented" €1 million reward for information leading to the arrest of whoever put a bomb in the car of investigative reporter Daphne Galizia, who was doing too good a job of investigating corruption in Establishment circles.
   But as the regime won't be busting a gut on this one, they might as well have made the reward an even more eye-catching €10 million if no one is ever going to collect it.

Stop messing about
bullet Never a day goes by when there isn't some senior copper moaning about "The Cuts"; and yet police farces everywhere never seem to be short of the cash for silly stunts and dressing up in fancy costumes. Now, HM Inspector of Constabulary has told them to stop messing about and get on with doing the jobs they are paid to do; in particular, to stop ignoring slavery and human trafficking.

Fake amazement
bullet Why should anyone be surprised that MPs will be voting on the Brexit deal, if there is one, after the UK has exited from the EU in March 2019? That's the way the EU operates. It's never possible to get that many states to agree on anything until after the deadline has passed because there are always two or three hold-outs/awkward sods who want more for themselves. Never has been, never will be.
   Getting the EU to agree on anything is like trying to get 27 rats in a sack to agree on a common lunch menu to get a quantity discount.

red blob Harvey Weinstein is to lose his CBE as part of his transition from sinner to penitent.

Brexit; just in time
bullet The EU is to have a Finance Tsar, who will have the power to meddle with the budget arrangements of the nation states, its own army, a banking union (controlled from Frankfurt, no doubt) and a cyber-security agency, and it hopes to expand to include two more non-contributors to the budget: Serbia and Montenegro.

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 OUTRAGE NEWS 

 
It makes as much sense as anything else on offer
bullet Conspiracy theorists are suggesting that the current Weinstein Obsession, which some are seeking to broaden from the entire film industry to the music industry as well, is being fomented by the Burmese government to push attention away from the ethnic cleansing, which is being performed by the Burmese army in the area bordering Bangladesh.

French Corbynites demand EU budget neutrality for their country
bullet France paid €19 BILLION to the EU last year but got a sub of €14 BILLION, mainly to distribute to its inefficient peasant farmers. But that's not enough for the nation's Corbynites. With the French EU bill going up to €20.2 BILLION next year, they want another €6 BILLION back, invoking Mrs. Thatcher's famous demand for a refund because; "We are very poor", according to trade union-fuelled stooge J. Melenchon, who is agitating against President MacRon's proposed reforms of the bloated public sector. Even though he's probably wasting his time. [Everyone needs a hobby. Ed] Plus ça change is the way things are in France, no matter who's in power, and there are just too many vested and panted interests in the bloat business.
   Of course, Britain's refund was recognition of the fact that we receive nothing like a fair share of the EU budget. But the French lefties insist that as their country is still in an 'excessive deficit procedure', they should pay nothing at all until they become rich. Which is not likely to happen any century soon.
   Maybe Boris Johnson should mention that Britain also has an excessive deficit the next time President MacRon demands that the starting point for our illegal "divorce bill" should be €40 BILLION instead of the €20 BILLION our prime minister thinks she can get her eurosceptics to swallow.
red blob No wonder the Europeons involved in the Brexit negotions are demanding €100 BILLION as an exit payment; it's to fill the black hole they expect to have in their budget when the Corbynites take over in France and demand to be treated like an Eastern Europeon nation "in the interests of fairness" and receive a sub out of the pot instead of paying anything in.

 BUSINESS NEWS 

 
Enterprise culture
bullet If you want to make a living out of growing cannabis sativa, then there are police farces which are willing to let you. Farces in most of the South-East and North-East of England are taking a Lib-Dem approach to even major violations of the law, and anyone who is careless enough to make the police take action can expect to be let off with a caution.
stop pressFarming cannabis? Want to get away with it without even a cosmetic caution? Just tell the coppers you're a slave.
red blob Tip: Look for the coppers with their fingernails painted blue as part of a chief constable's nail bar stunt.

red blob Ever wondered why some high streets are wall-to-wall coffee joints? The industry would have us believe that everybody in the UK spends £45,000 over a lifetime buying plastic containers of coffee, and it believes in shoving lots of temptation in the potential customer's path.

Peak car condition achieved
bullet The reason for the decline in car sales has been revealed by the motor trade. It's nothing to do with Brexit or ‘pay to pollute' scams. The simple fact is that everyone who wants one now has a car and there's no need to build lots more.

Mental not physical
bullet Here's another reason to back Brexit: the Euro Court of Justice has ruled that bridge is not a sport, to the chagrin of the English Bridge Union, which wanted to be let off VAT on tournaments.
   HMRC, in contrast, got the result it wanted, but there may be a bump on the road if bridge can be classified as a VAT-free cultural service.

 CULTURE NEWS 

 
Time for a rewrite
bulletHey man, oh leave me alone you know
Hey man, oh Harvey, get off the phone, I gotta
Hey man, I gotta straighten my face
This mellow thighed dick just put my spine out of place
Hey man, my workday's insane
Hey man, my job's down the drain
Hey man, well he's a total blam-blam
He said he had to squeeze it but he... then he...

[Chorus]
Oh don't lean on me man, cause you can't afford the ticket
Back from MeTooSlag City
Oh don't lean on me man
Cause you ain't got time to check it
You know my MeTooSlag City
Is outta sight...he's all right

with apologies to the late Davie Bowie

Romiley News
 ROMILEY NEWS 

Great Storm Monday/Tuesday in Romiley was . . .

bullet . . . sunny and a bit windy. The night was a bit breezy and on Tuesday morning, discarded leaves had been blown into interesting patterns in wind-shadows. No sign of the ominous marmalade skies pictured in Tuesday's Daily Mail but the sun was reduced to a bright-orange blob as seen through Monday morning's clouds; before they were blown away to let us have a sunny afternoon.

Catching the fallout: Crispmageddon goes global
bullet Reports of a psyche-busting crisp shortage in New Zealand have sent the world's spivs into action. They are creating shortages around the world in their efforts to cash in on the Kiwis' plight. This is what they have done in Romiley.

Crispmageddon spreads

red blob NHS professionals are warning of a winter counselling crisis as potato-based snack-deprivation sweeps Britain.

 SPORTS NEWS 

 
Strike a new gold medal!
bullet Experts in the USA have been studying bondage and they have concluded that it is a leisure activity on the same level as playing golf or swimming. Participants are able to develop personal skills and derive enjoyment from using their specialized knowledge and abilities. Sounds like someone is preparing the ground for an attempt at inclusion in a future Olympic Games.

 HEALTH NEWS 

 
Typical bloody politician
bullet J. Corbyn, 68, thinks it's good for older people to have a flu jab as keeping themseves healthy shows concern for the wellbeing of others around them. Actually having the jab, however, is a matter of choice and he personally has chosen not to bother. Presumably because he thinks he's much tougher than any rotten flu virus.

Just stop
bullet If you want to increase your chances of still being around at this time next year, stop breathing. According to the European Environment Agency, air pollution is responsible for one in eleven deaths in the UK, but it's very easy to do something positive about it.

Striking out against speciesism
bullet Italy has extended the nation's sick-note culture to pets. A court has ruled that owners of them should not be required to take annual leave days to look after a poorly pet as long as they have a note from the animal's personal physician.
red blob This is clearly part of a campaign to have pets ruled members of a family with a status equal to humans. Owners of pet rocks are now studying the case with interest.

Crispocalypse is stalking New Zealand
bullet Lots of wet weather has drowned the potato harvest whilst causing floods on both North and South Islands. As a result, the local crisp industry will have to leave the Kiwis on short rations until the new year at least.
comment from the industry: “Having potatoes is a very important part of the New Zealand psyche.”
No doubt gangs of counsellors are on standby, just in case the situation gets really desperate.

What do MPs do all day?
bullet Some of them spend an hour in the bath, making themselves all soggy and wrinkly, before wasting their time and taxpayers' money on the proceedings of the All-Party Parliamentary Group on Mindfulness. There can't be much wrong with the world if that's all they have to do with themselves.

You'll need to hold your nose in China again
bullet The Chinese government put a ban on importing smelly French cheeses a couple of months ago over concerns about the safety of the bacteria used to create the pong and the texture. Extensive lobbying by the EU, and probably negotiations through the "usual channels", has resulted in the ban being lifted.
stop pressThe People's Liberation Army's main bioterrorism research lab is believe to have been instrumental in the decision as several of the senior staff see distinct possibilities in studying the bacteria in French cheese.

Lovely grub!
bullet The experts have found that corals eat plastic instead of food because they prefer the taste. Manufacturers of plastic wrappings, etc., are now being challenged to come up with plastics which taste nasty to corals to save the world's coral reefs.

 SHOE NEWS 

 
In case anyone is interested . . .
bullet These ‘experts'! They come at you from all angles. A study for a firm which makes shoes has found that on average, adults smile 11 times per day; and mean it 9 of the 11 times. Surprisingly, things that make people feel good are most likely to promote smiles.
   70% of those surveyed said that grinning at other people made them feel happy. No information was released on how the recipients of the unsolicited grins felt, however.

Pull the other one, Comrade
bullet The Russians just don't get it. The Death of Stalin, a satyrical film made by Scottish humorist Armando Iannucci, has got them chewing their carpets. They are now pretending that a monster who had 40 million of his countrymen (and women and children) killed is too holy to be mocked. But not doing it too convincingly.

world news
 WORLD NEWS 

Spain turns Corbynasty
bullet What do you get when the Catalans hold a meaningless independence vote and thumb their collective noses at the Spanish government? Police brutality on a hysterical scale and the Spanish government in the dog house for totalitarian tactics worthy of the Corby Cult's trolls. The events up North must make the residents of Gibraltar even more determined to retain their independence from the mainland.

Yes, but not now
bullet Catalonia has declared independence from Spain but the signed declaration has been filed in the regional president's Ignore Tray rather than his Action Tray. The region's departure would drop the same sort of financial bombshell on the regime in Madrid as Brexit will drop on the vultures in Brussels. Which explains why the Spanish government is reviving the worst of the nastiness from the country's experiences under anarchism, communism and fascism.

Dwelling on divorce
bullet According to the Centre for Europeon Policy Studies, the EU has assets of €160 billion and liabilities of €232 billion. The EU is therefore in the red to the tune of €72 billion. As the UK is contributing 14% of the EU budget, the maximum divorce payment that can reasonably be expected is 14% of the deficit, i.e. €10 billion rather than the €100 billion which the EU is demanding.
   An even fairer settlement would be 1/28th of the deficit, i.e. €2.6 billion.

There's always a way
bullet Venezuela, the spiritual home of PM wannabe J. Corbyn, has run out of the materials for creating new passports. Paper and printing ink have joined food and medicines on the list of things which are unobtainable unless you're a member of the regime.
   But these commies are nothing if not tricky, and the president has recycled an old wine list as an emergency degree extending the life of existing passports by two years.

New Deal
bullet Austria has chosen a teenage president, who wants to stop economic migration and creeping Islamism, cut taxes, give everyone a good minimum wage and kick the EU out of his country's business. Sounds like he'll be a big hit.

Mediterranean mob paradise
bullet What do you get if you investigate corruption in Maltese politics and the Establishment in general? A bomb in your car and an investigation by the very cops you were investigating. With all the gambling money flooding to the island, it's looking like Cuba before the Castro dynasty took over. And the government is behaving like Russia over the last century, Castor-Cuba, Venezuela or any other commie paradise.

red blob It's Bugmageddon! Dutch researchers have found that the population of flying insects in Europe has fallen by 75% since the 1990s.

Live safely but not terrifically happily
bullet Switzerland has been voted the safest place to live in this year's annual poll of expats. But before you start packing, most said that the Swiss culture is obscure and the people are not exactly welcoming to strangers. Another negative is the huge cost of living.
red blob 64% of people living in Switzerland find their neighbours annoying, especially the noisy ones with loud children.

 EMPLOYMENT VIEWS 

 
Equal-opportunities employer
bullet If you're an honest terrorist and you fancy a public sector job, try the council for Southwark in London. They don't bother to check their job application forms for such details as declared criminal offences.

Selective-opportunities employer
bullet On the other hand, if you're white, male and normal, don't try getting a job with British Transport Police, which has no vacancies for this category of employee due to an obsession with diversity at the expense of competence.

reader comment“Treasury minister Lizt Russ would have us believe that the Chancellor, Gloomy Phil, is a very happy man. If so, he's brilliant at hiding it.”

The Carney Letter:
bullet Dear Chancellor, as you know, I have a cosmetic inflation target of 2% but it has exceeded 3%, hence this letter.
   As you also know, I have as little control over inflation as you have over the economy, which means that you might be getting another letter next month. On not.
   Yours, etc., GOTBoE.

That's one way to do it
bullet A shortage of imported nurses is creating problems for the NHS. The government plans to fix things by making the English language tests simpler. This is a response to the observation that Australian and Canadian nurses, who have English as their mother-tongue, can fail. Maybe they should have tried the test out on some British born nurses first. But 9.5 out of 10 for pragmatism.

 BOOZE NOOS 

 
Where does all the money go?
bullet One-tenth of the entire Scottish budget -- that's £3,600 MILLION -- is spent on picking up the pieces after alcohol abuse. A million Scots drink to harmful levels -- that's nearly 20% of the population. Something to bear in mind next time the Scots Nats start acting up at Westminster or Wee Burney Sturgeon starts demanding more cash from English taxpayers.

Don't Panic. [Wrong!]
bullet The night of 15/16 October marks the 20th anniversary of the great storm, which felled 15 million trees in the south of England and killed 18 people here and 4 more in France. It's the storm Michael Fish infamously reassured the public wouldn't be a hurricane.
   He was right as far as nomenclature goes as a hurricane is a storm in the Caribbean. But there was no excuse for the Met Office's failure to spot that the effects of the storm would be as bad as those of a hurricane and issue an extreme-weather warning.
   Wind speeds of 110 mph were recorded with gusts of 115 mph. They could well have been greater but that was as high as the measuring instruments could go.

Spectacularly crap Green taxes
bullet A study @ Oxford U. has found that excessive Green Crap taxes are hindering the growth of British industry and keeping people in fuel poverty. The energy companies are not passing on the benefits when fuel prices fall and spectacularly bad decision-making by government ministers has burdened everyone else with spectacularly bad long-term contracts. Directives from the EU also collect a good share of the blame.

Global Warming Fraudsters with the hump
bullet Is anyone surprised that the BBC had to offer a grovelling apology after affording the right of freedom of expression to Lord Lawson in defiance of the Hutagonian convention on the not-so-great global warming swindle? Thought not.

Same thing, different name
bullet The GWF lobby is claiming that climate change is already killing people and producing all sorts of statistics about how weather-related global disasters are multiplying. But they are also in the habit of slapping a GW label on events which would just have been called weather in the past. But then, they do have a living to make.

Misconnected facts
bullet The UN's weather agency, the WMO, is telling us that the last time atmospheric carbon dioxide levels were at the value they are now, sea levels were 20 metres higher than they are now. There seems to be no danger of the WMO parting with an explanation of why today's sea levels are so low if carbon dioxide levels are so allegedly dangerously high.

 INNOVATION NEWS 

 
Which is it?
bullet There are differences of opinion on the logic behind our new plastic banknotes. Are they meant to be user-friendly to Millennial snowflakes, because they feel like bank cards and pocket-phones? Or are they intended to make people give up cash in favour of electronic transactions because banknotes now feel cheap and plasticy and worthless?

Nasty plastic banknotes

Accessories of questionable legitimacy
reader comment“With the machinegun rattle of the Las Vegas massacre still ringing in our ears, it's time to take stock a little. There is no excuse for the bump stock. Anyone using a gun to shoot cuddly critters or targets has no need of more than one bullet per pull of the trigger. Anything else is frivolous recreation of the sort practised by militia in the Middle East, which should be discouraged in allegedly civilized countries.
   “Silencers, or more correctly sound suppressors, do have more legitimacy in that they prevent damage to the hearing. Telling shooters that they need to wear ear-defenders is all very well, but it does nothing for anyone standing nearby, who might have a profound religious bias against ear-goggles. Don't laugh, someone will claim this.”

A whiff of honesty
bullet Ofcom is giving new rules to broadband providers. In future, they will have to bin their 'up to' garbage and reveal actual peak-time speeds. They will also have to guarantee a minimum speed, which could become the basis of contract-busting or even compensation claims.

 HARVEST NEWS 

 
More choice, pur-lease!
bullet There is a move afoot to make organ donation the default, which means that people will have to opt out – rather in, as at present. In that case, it would be an excellent idea to provide a tick-box for "Please DO NOT harvest my organs whilst I am still mobile, aware and compos mentis" in case a future fascist leftie government extends its concept of everyTHING being the property of the state to everyBODY.
   This is something which could happen later in the century, when the Blessed and Eternal Leader Jezzer the Corbyn the Magnificent is in need of his umpteenth full-body transplant to keep him going.

Home News
 HOME NEWS 
UK Flag

U kip if you want to, we're still here!
bullet UKIP has a new Farage. He's ex-army, a holder of the OBE for services to international security and he used to work for the F.O. in Brussels. His tipple of choice has yet to be placed prominently on the record.

Memory lapse
bullet Party conferences: do they really matter? The PM's opponents are trying to make out that her coughing fit at this year's Tory conference is a disaster on the same level as the Black Death. But does anyone remember what happened at any of them last year? Or the year before? Or the year before that?

Begone!
bullet Supporters of the Conservative party are calling for the sack for all MPs who called for Foreign Sec. Boris Johnson to be sacked over his dead bodies in Libya comment. Such people, the Tory grassroots feel, are humourless robots who are unfit to represent a great party of real people.

Conference note
reader comment“Possibly for the first time ever, the audience didn't go to sleep during a speech by Theresa May. That's what will make this year's Tory conference memorable.”

Political stupidity
bullet The independent of government body responsible for collecting census data is making noises about making more categories of information; in addition to religion; optional. But there is not much point in having a census if it doesn't collect basic information such as the sex of the customer, which is what the PC posturers are proposing.
   If ticking the boxes is optional, all the census becomes is just make-work for the people employed by the census and the statistics manufacturing industries. Pandering to tiny minorities at the expense of doing a proper job also renders census data worthless to future generations of historians.

I want don't get
bullet The PM is demanding an end to discrimination in everyday life. Fine. While she's at it, why doesn't she demand competence from everyone in the public sector, the government included, and at least 5 sunny days every week. She has as much chance of getting all three by just demanding.

 WAR NEWS 

 
Dalek State
bullet "Violence can never be an instrument in politics" was the EU response to Spanish cops going clubbing (with real clubs) in Catalonia. Unless, of course, the violence is used to further the cause of creating a grey, harmonized Europe in which all national identities have been exterminated.

Labour's real slogan
bullet CON the many* ROB the Few**
* those too young to know Labour ALWAYS wrecks the economy and breaks its promises
**who have anything worth stealing

Way to go, Moggy!
bullet Jacob Rees-Mogg seems to have found a devastating weapon to use against Corbynasty fanatics. He's polite to them and treats them as if they could be something resembling a decent human being, which baffles the hell out of them because they don't have a strategy for someone who doesn't start screaming and trying to start a punch-up when confronted by an opponent.

The EU Way
bullet The Spanish government gave the Catalan president until next the third Monday of the month to reveal whether he actually signed the Declaration of Independence, which he said was lurking in his Pending Tray. Or what? The tanks go in and bombs start to fall on Tuesday?

How tough can you get?
bullet What happens when the president of Spain gives his counterpart in Catalonia an ultimatum on whether he signed a declaration of independence and the Catalans ignore the deadline?
Another ultimatum, that's what!

The EU's position on Brexit is:
bullet a) Everything stays the same with EU institutions in charge
b) The UK hands over &'8364;100 BILLION for starters
c) There is a re-evaluation of the evidence and Germany is declared the winner of WW II

Kim Jong-hacker
bullet The Home Office is dumping the blame for the May cyber-attack on NHS computers here on the evil North Koreans. The worldwide ransomware attack is believed to have been the rogue state testing the waters to find out how much cash it could raise by web-based smash & grab operations.

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He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

Crime News
 CRIME NEWS 

OJ out of the can
bullet The sometime American Crunch and film star O.J. Simpson is out of gaol after serving 9 years of a 33-year sentence, which had more to do with the state's frustration at failing to convict him for murder than anything else. Now an old bloke in his 70s, all he wants to do is live near his children in Florida (has no one told him about the hurricanes?), eat seafood and charge 5 million bucks a pop for TV interviews.

More guns than you can shake a stick at
bullet It's all very well for Democraps to moan at President Trump about gun control, but why didn't their guy, Obama, get guns out of private hands during his 8 years in the White House? Clearly, gun control wasn't anything the Democraps were bothered about when they were in charge.
   It has been suggested that the American Establishment knows that Russia will never dare invade their country as long as there are so many guns in the hands of crazies all over the place. And that sounds outrageous enough to be true.

Plenty of job vacancies up-coming
bullet Mass sackings are expected in the ranks of the Wiltshire police following their failure to pin child abuse charges on former prime minister Sir Edward Heath. The "investigation" was launched with loud publicity and promises of great things but, despite spending millions of pounds on trawling expeditions, the Wiltshire police farce rounded up just a few fantasists.
   There is a desperate PR exercise in progress to try to put a positive spin on the lack of success but no one is buying it. Worse, when the chief constable of the country pleads poverty in the future, he will just be laughed at.

Murkier and murkier
bullet We are now being given to believe that the Wiltshire police farce nobly resisted opportunities to have Sir Edward Heath labelled a Satanist. Presumably, because the chief constable thought that adding Satanism to an already ludicrous charge list would confirm to everyone that the police were just extracting the urine. And, of course, giving aid and comfort to even more people with spurious compensation claims.

Fiction factory
bullet The Wiltshire police farce's list of ‘credible' accusations against the late Sir Edward Heath includes one from a man who is known to be a habitual liar and a paedophile serial sex offender, and someone known to confess to murders in his spare time. No doubt he felt right at home with the fantasists in charge of policing in Wiltshire.
   M. Veale, the chief constable, seems to be doing his best to talk up his delusions of an Establishment cover-up and turn it in to a conspiracy on the level of all the cover-ups of UFO sightings by officialdom. Sounds like he needs to be sacked for wasting police time and resources, and told to do his fantasizing on is own time and at his own expense.

And equality for all
bullet Two holiday food-poisoning scammers are caught and sent to gaol. The bloke gets 15 months. Does his partner-in-crime get the same? No, she's going down only for 9 months, which will probably work out as that many weeks in practice. So much for fairness and everyone being equal under the law.

red blob 90% of burglars get away with it, according to official Home Office figures. [It's 96% in Hertfordshire. Ed.]

 DOSH NEWS 

 
There's another investment opportunity gone
bullet The bottom is dropping out of the classic car market as the skilled mechanic becomes extinct. The current generation of car fixers can't do anything if there's nowhere for them to plug in a computer to do a diagnostic. They just don't know how to strip down a vehicle and spot faults.

Explanation needed
bullet If Labour manages to abolish capitalism, what then? If there is no wealth generation going on at the level need to sustain the economy for a population the size of ours, we need to know how Labour will get the money to pay a vast army of public sector clients and service their generous pensions.
   Borrowing will work only until potential lenders realize that they have no chance of getting their capital back, or payment of the junk-bond interest rates, which Labour will be forced to offer.
   Hint to J. Corbyn: no one believes in your magic money forest.

No Chok
bullet The nation's traditional favourites in the way of chocolate products are enjoying a slump in sales. There are all sorts of theories as to why this is happening but shrinkflation; the manufacturers' policy of reducing the amount of product in the wrapper and increasing the price; has to be significant. And, of course, other, cheaper alternatives are available.

reader comment“What Gordon F. Broon did to the British economy was on the scale of dropping a nuke on the Hoover Dam. The repair work will last decades.”

Unfair comparison
bullet The usual suspects are making noises about pensioners getting an inflation rise of 3% next year when workers will get only 2.1%. But in real terms, someone on a real pension, rather than the new one which hardly anyone gets, will collect an extra £190 over the year from April 2018 while someone on the average salary will cop for around £550. Which is quite a bit more in cash terms.

red blob Citizens' Advice has found that 36% of mobile phone users who stay with the same company for over 2 years are being swindled out of payments on a handset, for which they have already paid in full.

Not very co-operative
bullet How dare our economy be doing so well and making idiots out of all the eminent people who predicted that Brexit would make it tank? Has it no shame?

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Far Queue List

Far Queue symbol Gary bloody Lineker.

Far Queue symbol Tony B. Liar and his good buddy Juncker the Druncker.

Far Queue symbol The idiot newsreader, who was complaining that the Las Vegas police had no idea of the motive of their murderous nutter on only the day after his shooting spree.

Far Queue symbol M. Veale, the Chief Con. of Wiltshire and his child abuse understrapper Supt. S. Memory.

Far Queue symbol All the luvvies, who prostituted themselves for some reflected glory from Harvey Weinstein, and who are now claiming they didn't do it for the money and the meeja attention.

Far Queue symbol Berko; the little creep is getting above himself again.

Far Queue symbol Chancellor P. Hammond, who's still trying to flog shares in Project Fear.

Far Queue symbol Non-resident R. Branson. Could we please have him flattened by another hurricane? Ta.

Far Queue symbol Loughborough council has banned a trader from all the local markets for selling mugs bearing the insignia of the Knights Templar and their motto.

Far Queue symbol A. Salmond and T. Ahmed-Sheikh, both sacked from the Westminster Parliament at the last general election, are still being allowed to booze it up at the British taxpayer's expense courtesy of EU talking shops.

Far Queue symbol A. Gurria, Sec.-Gen. of the OECD, which gets £10M/year from British taxpayers, would have us believe that Brexit will damage Britain as much as the Blitz of the 1940s. Presumably, he expects Mrs. Merkel to send some bombers over in revenge for making Germany pay more towards Mr. Druncker's enormous bar bills.
red blob The OECD has been consistently wrong in its forecasts for the British economy. Mr. Gurria blames that on unexpected good management by the Treasury and the BoE.

Far Queue symbol London's comic opera mayor, S. Khan, is trying to price poor people with old cars out of the capital. Air pollution by rich people with pre-2006 vehicles remains okay if they're prepared to cough up some dosh.

Far Queue symbol M. Hill, the "independent reviewer of anti-terror laws", wants the government to change the law to be much nicer to returning jihadi terrorists.

Far Queue symbol Hillary Clinton tried to sleaze Donald Trump during the presidential election campaign using a fake-news dossier compiled by a guy who used to work for MI-6. Not a piece of news calculated to make anyone fall over in amazement.

Far Queue symbol A lady in Cornwall thinks the BBC's shock-horror executions in the Gunpowder Plot play were justified because "executions were family entertainment 400 years ago". Maybe someone should mention that times have changed a bit since 1605. But maybe not in Cornwall?

Far Queue symbol Gordon F. Brown and his latest book of alibis.

Far Queue symbol All the Labour, SNP and other contemptible greasers, who bitched about M. Gove's Weinstein joke and said nothing about Lord Kinnock's add-on.

Far Queue symbol “Far queue, far queue very much!” – Frank Zappa.

The Far Queue: the traditional parking place for everything "not wanted on voyage".

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, October MM17.