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In case you hadn't noticed, it's the SILLY SEASON

Let us dedicate this month to J. Corbyn, MP. “He was present in Parliament but never actually involved.”
reader comment“And the tragedy is, there are lots more like him, especially in the House of Frauds.”

Oh, Jeremy Corbyn, what can you do?
The Jews are out to get you and you're really in a stew!
Ditch your training courses in anti-Semitism,
Then accuse your enemies of confecting schism.

 WEEK 1 

Headers, you lose
bullet The Department of Safety in Sports is recommending that all women footballers should wear a helmet as heading a football is more dangerous for them than for men and more likely to give them dementia in later life.
    Research is under way to find out if a spring-loaded neck-brace, suitably lightweight, can be added to reduce the force of the impact with the ball on the player's neck.

Back to the Drawing Board
bullet How does one steal a shark from an aquarium? A gang of fish-raiders tried to liberate one from the San Antonio Aquarium by wrapping the shark in a blanket and shoving it in a pram. One of the BGs actually got the shark all the way home but they were on CCTV and the cops busted them.

bullet Putting snoooping/smart meters in the homes of customers costs £40 a customer, British Gas has calculated. Guess who's going to end up paying that, one way or another.

Expert opinion
bullet Finally, the truth is out. The BBC won't show repeats of Monty Python's because it's too funny and it would show up the pathetically unfunny rubbish which passes for the Beeb's current run of ‘comedy' shows. This is the conclusion of comedy expert J. Cleese, who knows a thing or two about such matters.

Flim & Flam
bullet Surprise! North Korea is still building new missles at its secret missle plants, American spy satellites have found. On second thoughts, no surprise as NK is only ‘working towards' deweaponization, not actually doing it.

bulletThe UK's nett tax bill for EU membership went up by 9% last year to £9 Billion after discounts.

The earl must be revolving in his mausoleum
bullet The sandwich trade will tumble into bankruptcy following a no-deal Brexit, according to the British Sandwich Fear Factory's mouthpiece. Fresh ingredients will become impossible to obtain, the BSFF reckons. Not something which is likely to impress consumers of the good old British Chip Butty.

Not so old iron
bullet Go fishing in a canal with a magnet and the haul can include all sorts of lethal weapons; knives and even sub-machineguns, if you know where to look.
    This interesting hobby can lead to interesting encounters with the police [On very rare occasions. Ed.] "Actually, officer, I trawled this gun out of the canal and I was taking it to an expert to find out if it's real or a replica."

Money for nothing
bullet Labour is promising everyone a life of ease the next time the nation is foolish enough to vote the party into office. The plan is to extend the Blair/Brown attempt to put all Labour supporters on benefits by applying this to everyone.
    Monthly payments to qualifying adults from the Universal Basic Income Fund will cost the nation £280 BILLION per year, which means that all income will go directly to the state rather than into the individual banks accounts, or hip pockets, of employees. The fund will then be doled out to the nation's Labour clients in proportion to the amount of love which the recipient expresses toward J. Corbyn.
reader comment“The thought of the BBC's overpaid luvvies having to exist on the UBI of £6.2K instead of hundreds of thousands of pounds of licencepayers' cash makes this idea sound almost desirable.”
reader comment“No doubt Corbyn and his chums will find a way to wriggle out of it, though.”

Think ‘wheels' and ‘coming off'
bullet During the 2016 Brexit referendum campaigns, the Bankster Lobby claimed that 200,000 jobs would go in the industry. This claim has now been downgraded to 5,000-13,000 jobs ‘at risk'. No mention is made by the Lobby of the 14,000 new banking jobs created since 2016.

Virtue flags flying
bullet What is the point of an inquiry into British complicity in torture during the war on terror? Will it put the likes of Tony B. Liar and Jack Straw in gaol? No, it will just shove vast amounts of taxpayers' cash into the pockets of the legal trade and achieve absolutely nothing.

Not bothered, mate
bullet All sorts of horror stories about Europe's heat wave are being thrust at us. But if you're living somewhere where it has been cloudy and okay, and a bit chilly at times, like Romiley, it's difficult to relate to them.
    And our hosepipe ban has been cancelled; due to reduced consumption by the customers rather than the failure of United Utilities to collect the wrong type of rain.
bullet The medical trade in Britain is going on about thousands of heat-wave-related deaths. Not anywhere that matters, mate! And your actual Office of National Sadistics has announced that the claim is unsupportable, so deeply undermined.

Far Queue symbol Everyone seems to be keeping remarkably quiet about Russia's involvement in rigging the recent general and presidential elections in Zimbabwe. But maybe they're just saving that for after the squabbling locals run out of steam.

Losing the battle with unwanted migrants
bullet The Canadian people are convinced that the number of illegal migrants walking across the border with the United States is way too high. This perception is not helped by the Liberal government's claims that the numbers are going down. People won't believe what prime minster J. Trudeau tells them. Worse, from his point of view, they are more likely to believe what his Conservative opponent tells them.

bullet The police in Denmark have started to enforce the country's burqa ban. Anyone caught in a public place, e.g. a supermarket, wearing a face mask is now liable to a fine of €150 for Objectionable Conduct.
reader comment“Boris Johnson is dead right. They do look like bank robbers.”
reader comment“Boris pushes Silly Season Button.”

bullet Is the food industry bent? Well, some 1,700 tons of Manuka honey are produced in New Zealand during an average year but 10,000 tons of stuff labelled as Manuka end up in real shops and online ones.

Whither (wither?) Jezzer
bullet Wow, gosh! Is J. Corbyn actually showing true leadership by sticking his hands in his pockets and not getting involved in the latest Labour hoop-jumping contest?
    Not climbing into the pocket of the IHRA, a vested and panted interest if ever there was one, and not being fazed by the shrieks of the appalling and disgraceful M. Hodge, show that J.C. is either his own man with principles or a political drifter who'll park in any poisoned backwater which makes him welcome.
    It would be nice to know for sure which is which, but we can guess.
reader comment“Can't see Corbyn being too bothered by this anti-Semitism thing. He's quite at home in the company of extremists. Usually of the gun-toting and bomb-exploding variety. So he'll know how to handle the Advocates of Israel lobby.” T.B.
reader comment“Corbyn trying to compromise with the Jewish lobby looks exactly like our PM trying to do the same with the EU — something that's never going to work for either party.” K.L.
reader comment“The notion of Labour being lost in a vortex of eternal shame is quite ludicrous. But all praise to the deputy leader's scriptrotter for giving us a bit of a laugh.
    “Corbyn is a politician, like his deputy, and has no shame by definition. His Momentum fanatics are playing politics and have no shame. Everyone tainted by the Blair/Brown era has proved that they have no shame. And the people who vote Labour do so only in the hope of getting a hand-out from the state, so not much shame there either.” G.B.

By no means browned off
bullet 'Garden to make you green with envy' said the newspaper headline. Not here, it won't. Romiley's gardens remain green — especially the grass growing between paving stones and weeds sprouting in other unauthorized areas.

bulletQ: What do you do if you're the president of Venezuela (thanks to a crooked election) and everyone (except Jezzer Corbyn) hates you?
bulletA: Stage a phoney assassination attempt using drones and round up more of the annoying usual suspects.

Will there be enough ice cream to go round?
bullet The Warmists are now promising runaway global warming, a Hothouse Earth, sea levels rising by 60 metres (no threat to Romiley and it will make going to the seaside a bit quicker) and parts of the planet will be uninhabitable.
    No change there, we already have uninhabitable bits like trackless deserts, impenetrable jungle and frozen wildernesses, so nothing to panic about.

Will there be enough diplomatic chill to go round?
police helmet The British police have identified two of the Russians who were involved in the Novichok chemical warfare attacks in March, and the fallout four months later.
    As we do not have an extradition treaty with the Putinocracy, which wouldn't surrender its killers anyway, the police are expecting the same level of success as they achieved with the Putin stooges who murdered A. Litvinyenko in 2006 and left a radioactive trail right across Europe. [One is now an MP, which says a lot about the standards expected of Russia's politicians. Ed.]
    Looking on the bright side, if the Putinocracy doesn't cough up its killers, that will save us the cost of a trial and of putting them behind bars for a token couple of years.

Stoke up the Thatcher Cupboard!
bullet Britain will starve in the event of a no-deal Brexit, the National Farmers' Union would have us believe. But are we really going to swallow the required conclusion that all the businesses on mainland Europe which sell food to Britain will stop doing it on Brexit day and bugger the state of their finances?
    Just how daft does the NFU think we are?

How will we spot the difference?
bullet The police are joining in Project Fright, saying that no Brit will be safe, here or on the European mainland, if there is a 'no deal' Brexit. News flash: no one is safe now, given the useless state of the police and the Can't Prosecute Service, and dotty old judges making up their own rules in court.

 WEEK 2 

Cashing in on Xmas
bullet Terrorist leader G. Adams is getting ready to divulge the secrets of his kitchen in a new cookbook for the Festering Season. Which means that the nation needs to brace itself for IRA Pie as an alternative to turkey and a Bombe Surprise dessert which will blow more than your socks off.

Conspiracy theory No. 42
bullet His enemies would like everyone to believe that President Trump in is Putin's pocket, but is there a much more dangerous Fifth Columnist closer to home; in the person of our own, dear Prime Monster?
    She's running down Britain's armed forces, doing her best to keep Britain inside the EU in all but name and giving the United States the cold shoulder at every opportunity. Which is exactly what you'd expect of Putin's Principle Agent, Spy & Saboteur in Europe.

Law & Disorder in France
bullet What happens when a bar owner decides to put a stop to the time-dishonoured practice of the cops eating for free in his establishment? The owner of a bar in Le Bourget found that the first step is that the cops try to fit you up for drug trafficking and prostitution. And if that fails, the Police Commissioner and his heavy mob crash in and make the unfortunate bar owner kiss the boss's boots to make him realize who's in charge.
    Unfortunately for the Commish, the bar owner had installed an extensive network of CCTV cameras to sabotage police attempt to plant evidence and fit him up. And he was able to back up an official complaint against the Commish with abundant evidence of police misconduct.
    Nice to know that there are stupid cops all over the place rather than just in Britain.

bullet The authorities in Switzerland are having a hell of a job protecting the nation's fish from the European heatwave. The measures include moving fish to cooler water, actually fanning bodies of water to reduce the temperature, and increasing the oxygen content of the water. Applying suntan cream has been tried but abandoned as fish tend to have slippery skin and it washes off.

Fire-swirl in DerbyshireComing to a theatre near you soon?
bullet A fire at a plastics factory in Derbyshire created a fire-swirl of heat and turbulent winds, offering spectators a view of a dramatic firenado.
    If someone can find a way to get some sharks into the mix, there's a super new idea for the makers of the Sharknado series of films to exploit!

bullet The left-wing education Blob is claiming that harder exams are driving snoflake pupils nuts and everyone should go back to the old system.
    This would mean that teachers didn't have to make an effort, kids din't have to learn nuffink and exam results would be massaged to make it look like the government and the Blob were doing a grand job.

A compromise of convenience
no swastikas Post-war regimes in (western) Germany went on an extended guilt trip and banned all mention of the Nazis and their symbols, such as SS runes and swastikas, which were deemed anti-constitutional. [hammer & sickle okay, though. Ed.]
    But there were exemptions for things which were classified as works of art, such as films, and historical and/or scientific research. Then along came video games. Which could be a source of a lot of tax revenue.
    And lo! they became works of art, too, and permissible in the former Fatherland even if they weren't Hakenkreutzfrei.

bullet Surprise! On the evidence of the record, the Corbynite pretenders, whom Labour has instead of real grandees, don't like burqas either!
reader comment“Boris is 100% right about burqas, and don't his mainly Bremoaner enemies hate it!”
reader comment“The thing about the burqua is that it's confusing. The person inside might be an oppressed woman and someone deserving of sympathy. Or it might be a religious fanatic, possibly dangerous, or even male and very dangerous and someone to be avoided at all costs.
    “It would be really helpful if all burqua wearers were required to be licenced by their local authority and issued with something like the old vehicle tax disc if they can be certified as 100% harmless. Then we'd know where we stand.”

Far Queue symbol Self-proclaimed burqha expert Lord Piccles has assured pub-goers that they are unlikely to have their 'object' button pressed as people wearing burqhas do not frequent pubs. Moslems used to be able to drink up to the end of the sixth century of our calendar but they were enjoying it too much and boozing was banned for them. [Not that the ban seems to mean all that much to large numbers of them. Ed.]

bullet No fake thruppeny bit pound coins have been reported since they replaced round pounds in October 2017. Which means either that there are no fakes (or very few of them) in circulation or that the quality of the fakes is superb.

bullet The best place to get your car stolen in the UK is the county of Essex.

Anything you want
bullet It's not just mobile phones and drugs which are being hurled over the walls of HM and private prisons. Gourmet foods, booze and cooking equipment also feature prominently on the list of deliveries. Which sounds like an excellent reason for surrounding all prisons with a crocodile-filled moat and adding defence towers with drone zappers.

bulletWarning to all customers: Don't get sick as NHS GPs and hospitals can't comp and they are not interested in new business.

Far Queue symbol No one can be surprised that Labour's shadow minister for wimmin has been outed for bullying her former constituency office manager and exposing the woman's BLT tendencies. The way things are in politics now, passing a hypocrisy test is looking like an essential first step to a foothold in this grubby trade.

bullet OFFICIAL! The best burqha joke is: "Don't ask Boris to post a letter for you."

You can bog off, too!
reader comment“After hearing the R. Davidson's contribution to the Burqha War, it's easy to agree with the proposition that the Tories should remain Ruthless.”

A Bond, not THE Bond
bullet Of the candidates on the meeja shortlist, Elba is the wrong ethnic type, Hardy looks too soft, Norton looks the part but he'll have to dye his hair black, Turner looks too common and lower-class, Huston is too Jack the Lad, Murphy looks too girly and Hiddleston looks too anxious.

Corby don't care
bullet He has his reputation as a friend of terrorists everywhere to think about, and if that involves putting wreaths on the graves of Palestinian terrorists done in by Israel's state-sponsored terrorists, S.O.B. it.
    It also helps to get him noticed by the news meeja as any publicity is publicity, and if it all happened in 2014, that's an indication of the desperation behind the urge to be noticed.
reader commentIt is anti-Semitic to compare the actions of the Israeli government with those of the Nazis even when the parallel is accurate. Doesn't sound like a rule compiled by an impartial rule-giver with no axe to grind.”

reader comment“Berko in a burqha. That's what the nation would really, really, really like to see.”
reader comment“The bercow is a symbol of Islamists' violent misogyny. Something to bear in mind when judging the worth of the people who are so keen to make women hide behind them.”

Civilization, but not as we know it, Jim
bullet Any doubts that civilization has yet to reach the Arab world? Then consider the case of the woman who was arrested in Dubai, allegedly for having consumed a glass of wine on her Emirates Airlines flight there, locked up with her 3-year-old daughter for three days, told she would have to wait a year for a court date and released only after the country's ruler banged some dickheads together to get the charges dropped.

bullet Attention Migrants: If you're a potential world chess champion, you can stay. If you're not and you're just a potential drag on the British taxpayer, you can bugger off. This is the official government position.

reader comment“There's no moderation where the French are concerned. They're either running for their lives from massive wildfires or having to be rescued from flash floods.” E.M.

reader comment“D. Lammy, MP (Labour), thinks that a white man can't (or should not be allowed to) define what racism is. Which doesn't say much for the intelligence, or the value to the electorate, of non-white MPs like Mr. Lammy.” B.A.

Mildly ruffled waters
bullet You can tell it's the silly season by the number of storms raging in matchboxes.
    The Tory wets and Remoaners are on Boris's case over his dislike of the burcow, the chief Tory wet (party chairman B. Lewis) is being gummed over breaking a pairing arrangement on a tight vote (something which goes on all the time) and Creepy Corbyn is getting the benefit of a jolly to Tunisia made 4 years ago.
    How reassuring it is to know that nothing vital is going on in the world.

reader comment“Housing shortage? What we need is an action replay of the Black Death to reduce the world's population by one-third and make things manageable again.” D.F.

Dumbing level
bullet Schoolkids might be facing harder exams but the pass mark is being dropped to keep the number of kids getting good grades the same as for previous years.
    That's why politicians should never be allowed anywhere near education. Any more than the lefty Blob, of course.

reader comment“What do Boris's enemies have in common? The ease newspaper columnists have in trawling up evidence to prove that they are hypocrites and rotters.” W.S.

Lateral thinking
bullet What can you do with a 10-year-old kid who weighs 17 stones, despite being only five-foot one tall, and has a mother who knows she's over-feeding him and lets him lock himself in his room to binge on crisps, chocolate and other goodies?
    A chastity belt for his head and mouth would work!
reader comment“So would taking the lock off the door on the kid's room and putting it on the food cupboard." D.S.

reader comment“Extremists cherry picking atrocities in a game of Boot The Corbyn, a.k.a. moral highgroundship. Definitely Silly Season fodder." F.K.

 WEEK 3 

Don't bother us
police helmet If you're an orphan, the best place to go shoplifting is Cornwall, where the local police are not interested in thefts from shops and stores, especially if the amount involved is less than £200.
    Instead of attending such cases, the cops just advise the victim of the crime to phone the thief's parents.

bullet The motorway bridge collapse in Genoa is being blamed on 'a structural weakness', which is the usual code for the Mafia put too many bodies in the concrete.
bullet [The bridge was allegedly built on the cheap by cowboy firms set up to front for Italian organized crime and for use as vehicles for money laundering with the enthusiastic co-operation of the then Italian government. Ed.]

Those sneaky Frogs, at it again
bullet A French-born aristo reckons that the French government swindled his family out of the line of succession to the throne of Monaco in 1924 and he plans to sue the crooked French government for €351 million in damages. How he decided on this particular sum has not been revealed.
    L. de Causans does not hold the current leader of the principality, his cousin Prince Albert, in any way responsible for the French government's sleight of hand for political reasons. It is therefore unlikely that M. Grimaldi would be thrown in gaol should M. de Causans win his case.

Putin in a claim
bullet Our MPs are worried that the Russians are taking over the Arctic by stealth. They think that the man behind the man-made global warming there is Vlad the Putin.
    His agenda is to build military bases in thawed areas, including submarine bases, and to defy anyone else to be a buttinski when his gang starts to exploit the natural resources under his annexed areas.
    Some of our MPs are worried that Britain won't be able to grab anything out of the Arctic because the Russians will establish a monopoly there. Quite what the MPs can do about it remains unclear.
    But what is perfectly clear is that there are lots of other things that the MPs could spend time and our money on, which might just yield something useful for the British taxpayer.

reader comment“Stock prices down everywhere and house prices down here. No sign of any decline in the price of drugs, though. Crime pays; it really does!” A.C.

reader comment“Gordon F. Broon has refused to endorse Crazy Corby as a fit and proper person to be the country's leader. Big deal. What does he know about anything other than driving his country into the depths of a HUGE Brown Hole of debt?” G.O.

Creative accounting
bullet Maybe they ought to make Jezzer Corbyn the next Chancellor of the Exchequer if he can spend two nights at a £1,700 per night 5-star hotel in Tunisia without exceeding the £660 limit on declaring jollies.

Just doing their job
spy The boo-hoo buggers at the EU are accusing MI6 of bugging their Brexit machinations. But so what if it's true? After all, it is the job of the Secret Intelligence Service to monitor the activities of Britain's enemies and sabotage them if appropriate.
    The SIS would be failing in its duty if it didn't keep track of what the Barnier Mob is up to and slip the odd spanner into the works by letting them know there are things they just won't get away with.

bullet Austria has raised the bar for asylum seekers who claim that they are fleeing persecution for being homosexual. If they don't look and act the part, no asylum.

bullet Newspapers across America are being urged to exercise their constitutional right to publish fake news about President Trump if they don't like him. The Boston Globe is leading the charge in defence of "a dirty war conducted by the free press" against the Trump administration. But what else can one expect of a newspaper operating in a city which embraces Irish terrorists and their sympathizers as enthusiastically as President Corbyn of Labour embraces Palestinian resistance fighters.

Blowing smoke
bullet They call it the Commons science and technology committee, but if it falls for tobacco industry lobbying on e-cigarettes and tells us that really, they're perfectly safe, that proves it's just a bunch of duffers with ideas of their own competence well above the actualité

Sneak attack?
bullet The bosses at evil-mongering Gooble are outraged that over 1,000 employees dared to sign a letter of protest against the company's top-secret Project Dragonfly, which is aimed at enabling Gooble to comply with the Chinese government's censorship requirements as a condition for operating its search engine there.
bullet Most of the employees found out about the scheme via meeja reports rather than from using the Gooble search engine in places where (allegedly) there is no censorship.

bullet Okay, it's the Silly Season, but replacement Foreign Sec. J. Hunt needs to be sent back to the Health Dept. for some medical attention if he thinks that the UK will regret a no-deal Brexit for generations.
    Are we really expected to believe that the nation will go into mourning for a century or so if the number of generations reaches three? Sounds like Mr. Hunt is as delusional as his namesake, the Labour leader.

Moveable feast
bullet The country's 10 worst gaols are to get body scanners and sniffer dogs to combat the contraband problem. Might work for a while. Until the Worst in the Land status moves to 10 other gaols. Better make those scanners portable, chaps!

bullet Claim that Upsakirting is your hobby and you won't be sent to gaol for it. Yes, it's true!

Got wood!
bullet A Norwegian firm has come up with a way to turn waste wood into food-grade cellulose, which can be used as a fat substitute in anything needing a "smooth, creamy mouthfeel".
    Potential targets include sauces, ice cream, protein drinks, cakes and processed meat products such as sausages and pies. Colour, flavour and texture of the original product are not sacrificed.
    This wonder additive is dietary fibre without calories, and something which can be made compulsory for fatties to eat; especially primary school kids who have developed type 2 diabetes; before their combined weight sinks the British Isles.

There May be trouble ahead
bullet Nigel Farage, sometime and oft UKIP leader, is to return to the front line of politics to campaign against the Prime Minister's Chequers Brexit sell-out. He aims to use the truth to teach the political class a lesson which they will never forget by exposing their lies and evasions.

reader commentMugs Welcome! or the psychology of truth in advertising: We'll buy your car. Sure, you might get ripped off by a miserable offer but we won't mind.”

reader comment“Attention CFL: Unity is strength.”

Diversity is . . .

bulletDefinitions for Today: 'A better poll' — one which has been run with the aim of providing aid and comfort to the Remoaner cause.

 WEEK 4 

bullet Sales of 'phone-only' phones are growing faster than sales of 'pester' phones which demand constant petting. Looks like people are realizing that the 'always on' society is not that brilliant an idea.

bullet Chinese metal pirates are scavenging British warship-war graves from WW II in search of steel which is not contaminated with radioactive materials. The government has vowed to stop it but for some ships, it's too late as there is nothing much left, and stopping the pirates without the active co-operation of the Chinese government, which is reaping benefit from the piracy, is not on.


Attention CFL:
After the Week 10 antics at Edmonton on Saturday night and then at Regina on Sunday night, here's another take on your campaign!

Really going for broke
bullet Venezuela, the South American Corbynista paradise, is on course for an inflation rate of 1,000,000% by the end of the years, egged on by the regime's decision to raise the minimum wage by 3,000%. But at the rate the common people are leaving the country, it is heading for a massive labour shortage and the dictator and his immediate circle of minions could well end up having to polish their own jackboots long before the year end.

active brainWe're all doomed!
You can tell it's the Silly Season when some character from the Bonk of England digs up the Rise of the Robots, millions out of work because machines are doing all the thinking and idle humans rioting all over the place scenario. No alternative was on off, of course. Just the usual bad news without responsibility scenario.

Not fit for purpose
bullet The revelations about what goes on at G4S Prison Birmingham, and the ones administered by the state, have woken the nation up to the realization that we need a better class of criminal.
   Sadly, the ones we have seem to be beyond redemption and fit only for being flushed down the kitchen sink disposal so that we can start again with a fresh intake. Being sure to avoid foreign criminals, of course, especially those from the EU nations.
   Equally sadly, the same would appear to be true about the politicians and civil servants in charge of administering the prison service, and those appointed to run things on the ground in prisons. They have proved themselves to be equally unworthy, waste-disposal fodder ahead of a Clean Break/Fresh Start policy.

bulletDiversity is . . . Insanity
reader comment“It had to come to this eventually – the pillock in charge of the magistrates' union demanding more criminals in the ranks of the judiciary in the name of diversity.”
bullet Bent coppers aren't a bad thing — it's just the police service embracing diversity.

Sympathetic policing
bullet Q: If you have a heart attack whilst taking a police speeding awareness course as an alternative to getting points on your licence, what do the cops do?
bulletA: Threaten to wheel your hospital bed into court if you don't cough up £100 and your licence so that it can have the points added, even if you're at death's door.

More pointless Ker-ching!
bullet You can't beat the Suburban Socialist when it comes to creating pointless jobs for comrades. Comrade Corbyn, for instance, wants the BBC to increase its transparency by listing which class everyone belongs to as well as how much everyone is paid.
    This creates a need to recruit a whole gang of Class Assessment & Monitoring Comrades — all paid a fancy salary out of the licence-payer's pocket, of course. But spending other people's money has never been a problem for the Suburban Socialist.

Why should they get it for free?
bullet The gambling industry is under fire for taking money from . . . heavy gamblers. Now, the booze industry is getting the same treatment for taking money from . . . heavy drinkers.
   Yes, you can tell it's the Silly Season.

Interesting revelation
bullet The Labour party gets on the case of Amazon and Gooble and all the others for not paying their fair amount of tax on their income, but Labour pays no tax at all on its income. But the Tories do. There's nowt like a good dose of hypocrisy from the comrades.

Obvious revelation
bullet The latest news on the archaeology front is that the Vikings built earthwork fortresses during the 10th century to defend themselves from . . . other Vikings. Well, who'd thunk it? That thieves, looters and rapists would feel threatened by other gangs with the same agenda.

Boss of something — anything
bullet The German Chancellor, Angular Mherkel, is demanding that the EU should have a German head of the European Commission as a replacement for the sick joke from Luxembourg J.-C. Druncker.
    Having been thwarted in her manoeuvres to make one of her countrypersons the head of the European Central Bank — her favoured candidate keeps on pointing out how badly the ECB is run — she feels a need to assert herself somehow or other.

Another sneak attack
bullet The Russians are conducting biological warfare against Europe's children by using antisocial meeja to spreading lies about alleged side effects of child vaccines. They are being blamed for a measles outbreak caused by worried parents not letting their kids have the MMR vaccine.
   Every other vaccine also gets a dose of Russian propaganda, which extends even to vaccines which have not yet been perfected.

bullet Smoking e-fags doubles the risk of having a heart attack compared to a non-smoker, say the experts. Are you vapers still looking smug?

bullet All this adverse propaganda about the Blesséd Jezzer Corbyn is just fake news.
How do we know? Because he said so.

bullet If President Trump is impeached, the US economy will collapse and everyone will become very poor. How do we know? Because he said so.

We're all doomed! Well, most of us.
bullet If you drink any alcohol, you will die before your time, according to the experts in the USA. British experts were asked to comment but they were too busy laughing to come out with anything coherent.

Things you didn't realize about WTO Brexit No. 22
bullet Cigarette manufacturers will have to change the pictures of diseased organs and dead bodies on their packets — because the EU owns the copyright on them — and new images will have to be acquired.
   Quite why the EU wouldn't licence the images for distribution in the UK, and make money out of them, is not explained. Just chalk it up to EU pigheadedness.

bullet Some head-banger in Asia has paid over a quarter of a million quid for a second-hand bottle of Japanese whiskey. What's the next up-and-coming investment likely to be? The way things are going, it could be a fine example of a plastic bag — something which is being banned and/or priced out of the grasp of poor people at a furious rate.
    Who knows, maybe one day the nation's burglars, who have a licence to operate courtesy of the New Labour attitudes of Britain's top coppers, will start ignoring TVs and Hi-Fi sets and start plundering homes for all their plastic bags.

bullet With some amusement, we note that former SNP hero A. Salmond's current image is a mix of J.C. Druncker with President MacRon and Harvey Whinesthine.

bullet Jezzer Corbyn commands support from across the political spectrum — from the class warriors of the looney left to former heads of the BNP and the KKK. Which means that he must be doing something right!

reader comment“According to some numbers in one of the papers at the weekend, just one-third of one per cent of the population is Jewish. They have probably wagged the dog enough by now.”

bullet Spanish communists are outraging decency by playing musical graves with the remains of General Franco as an exercise in virtue signalling, which just achieves the opposite result.

bullet Labour's appalling shadowy Chancellor and an appalling former Director of Public Prostitutions are demanding another Brexit referendum.
    Only if you pay for it, comrades!

bullet A Labour shadowy minister is warning that a second referendum will be taken as an excuse for riots in the streets of Britain. What a nice bunch Labour are and how wonderful their understanding of the word democracy is.

bullet Shock-horror! Most supermarket and fancy brands of vanilla ice cream contain neither vanilla nor cream.

Bottox prevents heart attacks?
bullet A wrinkled brow is a sign that the owner is 10x more likely to die of a heart attack than someone with a smooooth brow, according to the experts. So, in theory, if the wrinkles are removed by some means, the person then becomes immortal?

bulletGood news for the Tories: Their party membership is growing rapidly at the grass roots after a long period of decline.
bulletBad news for the Bremoaners: The new Tory party members are feared to be Leavers, who are committing entryism to be able to vote against Therazor May in a future leadership election.

Action on illegal migration
bullet What happens if you're an American black widow spider and you stow away in a crate for a trip to Scotland? Death on discovery! Apparently, the Scottish SPCA reckons that there is nowhere there for the spider to be rehomed safely.

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 WEEK 5 

Anything to spice up a deathly dull F1 race!
bullet Was Charles Leclerc lucky to survive Fernando Alonso's car leaping into the air and crashing over the cockpit of his car?
    Nope. Lucky would have been Alonso missing him completely and Leclerc being allowed to get further into the Belgian GP than turn 1 on lap 1.

reader comment“Is there a mechanism for removing a Nobel Peace Prize the way a knighthood can be revoked? After being indicted by the UN for genocide, Burmese boss A.S.S. Kyi must be a prime candidate for impeachment. So much for her premature elevation to the sainthood.”
update It would not be possible to strip A.S.S. Kyi of her prize as the rules do not permit it. But it could be done if the rules were changed, and the case of Ms Kyi seems to make a solid case for a change.
update The Burmese regime is branding the UN's condemnation of its genocide programme as fake news on the grounds that the Burmese regime did not allow the UN's investigators into Burma and the regime refused to co-operate with them.
update The regime in Burma has appointed its own independent commission of inquiry into the genocide, and the commission will be publishing its own fake news counterblast in due course.

Far Queue symbol If you're a Labour MP, e.g. K. Mahmood, and your girlfriend and employee takes you to an employment tribunal and gets and out-of-court settlement with a gagging order, then you can put your legal costs on your parliamentary expenses and get the taxpayer to cough up.
    Also, the MPs' watchdog, the IPSA, will do nothing if an MP, like Mahmood, overspends their allowances for staff and does the taxpayer for the extra cash.

Citizen scapegoats needed
reader comment“Maybe we need a Corps of Ethnicity Volunteers, who will agree to be stopped and searched by the police; say, whilst doing a supermarket shop; as a quick and easy way of shutting up the boo-hoo buggers, like our dear prime monster, who pretend that black yoofs are searched disproportionately too often for the conscience of the diversity lobby.
    “A quick sweep with a magic metal-detector wand over a volunteer who is white, female or male and elderly, and very little police time is wasted.”

Migration reversal
bullet The Burmese regime has come up with an interesting explanation for its genocide in the west. The people who are being attacked are illegal Moslem immigrants from Bangladesh and the Burmese military is just encouraging them to go back where they came from by shooting a few of them and burning their homes to the ground; optionally with illegals inside.

Danger! Dolphin!
bullet If you want to swim with dolphins, steer well clear of Landevennec in Brittany. The mayor there thinks that dolphins are as dangerous as great white sharks and bans bathing from the town's beaches whenever a dolphin is sighted.
reader comment“Anyone wanting to swim with a wild creature is advised to rush to Düsseldorf, where an escaped nine-foot yellow anaconda is larking about in a lake, which is popular with the local bathers. The problem for the people at the local Aquazoo, who are trying to recapture it, is that rain is making the snake hide. They have a choice of waiting for the sun to come out and hoping that someone spots the snake basking in some rays up a tree, or of sending a diver into the water.”

bullet French pirates attack British boats fishing legally in French waters. The French government does nothing. British government ditto.
    Does this give British people a licence to attack French people who are going about their lawful occasions? This would be only fair on 'uman bluddy rights grounds.

bullet There is no truth to the rumour that the payday loans company Wonga went bust because it hired Gordon F. Broon to be its director of finance.

Facing in all directions simultaneously
bullet What weird people judges are if they can rule that a woman, who exercised her human right to chose not to marry the father of her children, can be entitled to widow's benefits on 'uman bluddy rights grounds following the death of the non-husband.

Brexit Sec. goes native — no one surprised
bullet D. Raab is willing to cough up the Brexit bale-out £40 BILLION if there's no deal with the EU, but the cash will be sneaked abroad in dribbles over a period of time in the hope that British taxpayers won't notice the dirty deal going through.
    Be assured, mate, that WE will.

Mission impossible
bullet The Swiss government has decided that transparency in politics is not a part of the national character, and it will not be publishing details of donations to political parties of over 10,000 francs and it will not ban anonymous donations.
    The reasons for not going down the transparency route appear to be that it would cost too much to monitor the finances of political parties and serious donors will always find a way of beating any system imposed. Quel pragmatism!

Heads, tails and every other way, you win!
bullet This sounds like a brilliant scam: You open an online gambling site, you make it virtually impossible for all but the brightest and most bloody-minded customers to withdraw winnings and you make any winnings vanish if the customer fails to log in regularly.
    Result: the customer admits defeat and keeps playing until he/she no longer has any unspendable winnings. Result!!

bullet Water companies allow enough treated water to service 22 MILLION customers to leak out of their leaky pipes every day. That's 840 MILLION gallons.

The memory lingers on
O'Bummer He may not have been much cop as a president but the city council of Los Angeles loves ex-President O'Bummer enough to decide to change the name of Rodeo Road to O'Bummer Boulevard in the near future. Not that it has been an easy decision. The council has been mulling it over since its president proposed the idea last year.
   The wheels grind slowly in L.A.'s council circles and, no doubt, a lot of horses were traded to be able to come up with a unanimous vote to mess about with the landscape in the western part of the city.
    No one is quite sure when the new sign boards go up, but the council is no doubt busy organizing a re-education course for the local postpersons right now. And, no doubt, there are lawyers rubbing their hands at the prospect of residents trying to sue the council for forcing them reprint all of their personal stationery.

bullet British Columbia is claiming a new Canadian record for the amount of land scorched by wildfires during this year's blazing summer. Things are bad all over out west, though. In neighbouring Alberta, pollution from the wildfires has left fans of the Edmonton Eskimos wondering at times whether home matches of their Canadian football team would be called off because the air quality posed a threat to the health of the players. Happily for fans of the CFL in Romiley, this hasn't happened. Yet.

Below the line mission statement: We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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