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bulletOur New Year resolution: To do all we can to advance the progress of global warming, if only to nark the grumpy GW fraudster zealots.

 WEEK 1 

Stickability; something not always to be desired
bullet TheRazor May had a disastrous 2018 but she's still there. Oh, Jezzer Corbynski had a disastrous 2018 but he's still there. Which just goes to show that even the most clueless political limpets can be unshiftable.

Just how stupid do they think we are?
bullet Local councils in Wales are claiming that the amount of black bin waste collected has fallen since they reduced collections to once every 4 weeks.
    What they are failing to mention is that households are paying £36/month to private contractors, who empty the bins in the 3 lost weeks.
    What's the difference between a council truth and the real truth?
    How long have you got!

bulletQ: How does one solve the problem of left-over sprouts?
bulletA: Not buying any works.

Pretend Frantic Activity News
bullet + + + Home. Sec. Vajid Javid takes action on migrant invasion! + + + 2 Border Force cutters recalled from Mediterranean + + + One will be here next week + + + The other will arrive next month + + + Breath not being held + + +

Tell 'em any old load of fanny; someone might believe it
bullet The cosmetic mayor of London, Sneaky Khan, would have us believe that the capital's annual New Year fireworks display is a tribute to our close relationship with the EU, which invented the idea of marking the arrival of a new year with fireworks.
reader comment“He'll be telling us he paid for the fireworks out of his own pocket next.” K.L.

bullet North Korea's sneaky Ministry of War carried out a series of missile tests disguised as New Year fireworks. One which splashed down in the Sea of Japan was described as having a bit too much gunpowder in it.

reader comment“Vegan fish fingers from Waitrose? Apparently, Fishless Fingers can be distinguished from Beefless, Baconless, Venisonless, etc. because they contain a brew of chemicals which create a 'subtle' fishy flavour.” J.S.
reader comment“Just as long as the fish flavour isn't drowned by the whiff of hypocrisy of plant eaters wanting something that tastes like fish, which they are not supposed to eat.” P.M.
reader comment“Presumably, there are enough dim vegans around willing to pay 20% over an already inflated price to make Fake Fingers a commercial success.” A.D.
reader comment“Fake Fingers with a subtle taste of fish? But how to vegans know what fish tastes like anyway?” B.V.

bulletQ: What's this number? — 20
bulletA: Twenty
bulletQ: What's this number? — 19
bulletA: Nineteen
bulletQ: What's this year? — 2019
bulletA: Two thousand and nineteen
bullet Either you can't win or you're not supposed to.

On whether our current PM will ever achieve anything worthwhile:
bulletTheresa May
But if she will, no one can say.
Given that she's a bit of a clot,
The answer is: probably not.
reader comment
“Vladimir Putin
Behaves like Rasputin
So it won't be a sin
To have him done in.” V.I.L.
reader comment
“The mad monk Rasputin
Was a prototype Putin
Who really went to town
On everything not nailed down.” N.R.

bulletQ: When is a good time to see a copper?
bulletA: The New Year's Eve episode at Victoria station in Manchester suggests that it's the day after a terrorist goes nuts in a public place.

Not of the usual tribe
bullet The US ambassador to Britain is getting a lot of stick for shooting from the lip instead of being a slimy, mealy mouthed git who can lie his head off with a smile on his face. Even worse, he was appointed by President Trump.

Nothing like a holiday for bringing nutters out of the woodwork
bullet In England, a man who went on the rampage with a knife at a station in Manchester on New Year's Eve was arrested under the Mental Health Act. Same story in Essen in Germany, only the prisoner was a local man, who driving his car at people of foreign appearance.
    Which idiots decided that all this multiplicity is such a brilliant idea?

bullet Failed Repubelican presidential candidate Mitt 'The Git' Romney has been taking a pop at President Trump in the hope that it will do his flagging career a spot of good.

Seven decades of deception
bullet The world's oldest woman, who died in her 123rd year, is a fraud, it has been claimed. In fact, Jeanne Calment of Arles, who is supposed to have died in 1997, actually died in 1934.
    Yvonne, her daughter, who was 23 years younger, then took over her mother's identity to dodge punitive inheritance taxes. She kept up the deception until her own death at the not quite so ripe old age of 99.

Too much of a good thing?
bullet How can a body analyser scale be on offer at £50 off the original price of £69.99? There's a warning that it passes a low electrical current through the body and it's not suitable for people with a pacemaker or other internal electronic implants.
    Maybe it wasn't selling because people were put off by the thought of being electrocuted by it. There's no sign of a mains cord in the picture of the gadget and no details of any batteries required, which makes the potential severity of the electrocution process difficult to assess.

bullet Sainsbury's in Romiley seems to be doing its bit to hoover up New Year wealth with New Year price rises averaging 7½% on many popular essentials.

bullet Donald Trump, the man who put the RIOT into patriot!

Don't look for justice here
bullet J. Shepherd, Britain's answer to the Chappaquiddick Kid and a convicted killer who's in hiding rather than gaol, has been awarded 100 grand of taxpayers' cash in legal aid and he's in line for more for an appeal, on the inevitable 'uman bluddy rights grounds, without having to surrender his miserable carcase to the police.
    If we had a half decent legal system, everyone involved in exploiting the taxpayer and letting him get away with it would get the sack and be obliged to spend a month in the stocks. But, of course, all we have is vested and panted interests in the form of grasping lawyers, inept civil servants and clueless politicians.

bullet China has followed in the footsteps of NASA and the Soviet Union by planting a lander on the far side of the Moon. Welcome to the club; 60 years behind the leaders. Better spies needed, obviously.

bullet The Army is getting so desperate for recruits that it is now trying to form a battalion of Snoflakes! Good luck with that, chaps.

bullet Using less electricity saves us money, say the GW Fraudsters. Except for the fact that the price of electricity goes up and up, thanks to GW frauds, and makes a nonsense of the possibility of savings. As do the costs of gadgets which use electricity.

bullet The Church of England is getting tough with sinners. Those guilty of a criminal offence will not be given divine forgiveness until after they hand themselves over to the police. The Church has no advice to offer on verification, however.
    There is also a 'no paedophiles' rule.

bullet British taxpayers paid for China's lunar rover out of the Overseas Aid budget — but no sign of any vote of thanks coming our way.

Posturing pillock
bullet How many coppers would the £2.3 million that was blown on a Tony B. Liar blast of fireworks have put on the streets on London, Britain's murder capital, on New Year's Eve? No answer is expected from the comic opera mayor, Sneaky Khan, who seems to be under the impression that London will shut up shop after Brexit, having become redundant somehow.
    Daft? Tell Mr. Sneaky – it's his delusion.

As narrow as an expert's vision
reader comment“Describing China's first reduction in total population in 70 years as a ‘demographic crisis' brings the sanity of the expert responsible into question. Too many people breeding children they can't support is an even greater problem for the human race than Brexit.” P.L.

bullet 50% of the people who claim to have a food allergy are deluding themselves, according to the experts.

No great sense of urgency
bullet It has taken a fugitive killer thumbing his nose at the legal establishment and exploiting E bloody U 'uman bluddy rights laws and the taxpayer to make the current Justice Sec., D. Dauke, realize that the legal aid system is as big a farce as the court system.
    The shambles has arisen because both systems have been allowed to lapse into that state by legal vultures and pointless politicians like . . . Dauke.
update Reforming the legal system is subject to foot-dragging like judges wondering whether the case of the Speedboat Killer has a bearing on trial in absentia of someone who refuses to surrender his/her miserable carcase. It doesn't, stop wasting bloody time and get on with correcting the abuse of allowing a fugitive bad guy to hold an in absentia appeal; especially if it is paid for by the taxpayer.

Buffers loom
bullet To the surprise of no one, sales of Apple phones are slowing down, confirming that just about everyone who can afford them has one, and there is only so much time for messing about with cute gadgets instead of getting on with the business of real life. And paying a grand for one is no bloody joke when there are better and cheaper options available.

Misrule of law
bullet Five members of the 15-strong murder squad sent to Turkey to kill the journalist J. Khashoggi are on trial in a secret court somewhere in Saudia. The guilty verdict will be announced in due course but the Saudi regime will keep the date and place of the executions a secret. No one will believe that the executions have taken place, though, especially after the allegedly dead men become MPs, following the example set by Russia for its cadre of state-appointed killers.
bullet It is not known whether the accused are receiving legal aid from the British government, but our system is so batty and ill-run that this is eminently possible.

Snake oil always sells to someone
bullet It's all very well for our icons to assure us that they're saving the planet from man-made global warming and mass extinctions of unviable species, but that's not what's happening. What they are, in fact, seeking to do is throw a handful of spanners into complex dynamic systems in an attempt to bring then shuddering to a standstill.
    And as they have no idea how the systems work, they don't have a clue where to chuck the spanners to achieve their object.
Tony B. Liar snake oil    Lacking effective methods of sabotage, all they can do is suggest methods of tinkering, which make them feel worthy and seek to engage others with empty PR slogans like 'fighting climate change'.
   If you don't know the mechanism of climate change, and the major factors — such as how much radiation the Sun feels like putting out — are all out of your control anyway, you can't fight it. All you can do is adapt to climate change, which doesn't have the same lustre of worthiness of a battle.
reader comment“Something it would be really nice to know is when the referendum was held to ask The People if they're unhappy with a warmer world. Must have missed that one.” W.U.

Far Queue symbol Why should the Home Office think that it shouldn't have to pay for Ministry of Defence ships and planes sent to spot illegal immigrants in the Channel and fill in the holes left by an inadequate Border Force? Looks like The Vajid operates under the socialist delusion that 'what's yours is mine and what's mine is my own'.

Far Queue symbol One thing that TheRazor May, Angular Mherkle, Nicola Sturgeon, Neil Pillock's daughter-in-law and other female leaders have demonstrated is that a woman at the top can bog things up as efficiently as any bloke.

Improvised weapons
bullet The latest tactic of the hi-vis protesters in France is to drive a fork-lift through the main gate of a government building so that the gang can smash windows and any cars found in the courtyard. Banks are also targetted as allies of the government.
    Meanwhile, in Italy, criminals hit on the idea of stopping a security van on a road leaving Bari in Puglia with burning vehicles then using a pair of JCBs to rip open the security van 'like tin openers'.
    The 4 masked men got away with €2.3 million in cash — less than half of the haul of a gang which blocked a motorway near Ancona in 2015 and attacked a security van with industrial grinders. They strolled off with 3 cash boxes containing €5 million, leaving behind two more boxes containing a further €3 million.

 WEEK 2 

Falls Over In Amazement
bullet Health Sec. M. Hancock has decided that setting a minimum price for alcohol punishes the majority for a problem which only a selfish minority has, and it won't happen in England.
    Instead, chronic boozers will be nagged on auntiesocial meeja. [Assuming their eyes can focus. Ed.]
    Nice to see a politician taking a sensible approach to something instead of going down the Gordon F. Brown road of slapping a huge tax on it and wasting the revenue collected.

Wildcard Weekend: good for teams with names starting with B and C
bullet The Colts had no problems sorting out the Texans in Houston. The Cowboys hog-tied the Seaweeds in Dallas but made a real meal of it.
    The Bolts and Old Man Rivers won a thriller against the Ravens in Baltimore, and there was some extraordinary refereeing at the end of the second quarter of the Eagles in Chicago over a completed pass which was ruled incomplete because no one, apart from an official, picked up a fumble.
    Then we had that 2-point try, which was an inch and a quarter short, and a rare example of calling a time out on a kicker actually seeming to work. The kick that didn't count sailed through. The one that did count went donk off the left post, donk off the crossbar and donk back on to the field of play for no score and a win over the Bears by the Beagles.

Bad news for migrants from the NHS
bullet Health Service bosses claim that their soon to be introduced 10-Year Plan will save 500,000 more lives over its full run. Which leaves our bulging country with room for half a million fewer migrants.

Tough times ahead
bullet The German Finance Minister has warned that the good days are over and, with Britain leaving the EU, supporting that flawed institution will cost his country enough to put an end to the budget surpluses, which the Germans have come to expect. China and the United States striking back against massive German trade surpluses will also become significant problems for Germany's taxpayers.

Not so popular now!
bullet Spain's Popular Party has really upset the government with a joke eve of Epiphany video, which was posted on antisocial meeja. It showed a father reading out his son's wish list, — a whinge listing the son's favourite people, all of whom died during the year. It concluded with the remark that the current incumbent is the son's favourite prime minister.
    Predictably, the antisocialist Spanish PM threw a major wobbly and turned himself into a laughing stock by trying to get the state prosecutor to take criminal action against whoever made the video. — all the vampire services
anyone in the world could hope for!

Crisis fatigue growing in motoring community
bullet Chelsea tractors have been getting lots of stick for being examples of conspicuous consumption, which pollute the urban environment and are too big for parking spaces.
    Even so, their sales are up at a time when sales of smaller vehicles are falling and there are enough consumer reports around to warn people that an electric car is a recipe for nightmares for anyone who dares to venture further from their residence than its single-charge return range.
    Clearly, motorists have looked about them, found that the world doesn't look like coming to an end [despite Brexit, Ed.] and decided to splurge on a spot of comfort.

Brilliant or sneaky?
bullet The Swiss unemployment rate is at record low levels compared to the EU, where the average is three times higher, and the extremes are double and twelve times the Swiss rate.
    How have the Swiss managed this miracle? The Germans reckon all they have done is fiddle the figures to one-half of the true value. As this puts the German unemployment rate lower than that in Switzerland, a measure of sour grapes could well be involved in the German sums.

Bazookas to shoot down drones that attack airports?
bullet Sounds like something spectacular, which would draw huge paying crowds. Not so spectacular when one learns that the bazookas fire only nets to snare the drone rather than blast it to bitz.
update The Russians are getting the blame for the drone assaults on Britain's airports, which are seen as attempts to regain face by the Putinocracy after last year's murder attempt in Salisbury failed to kill the intended target and damaged uninvolved British citizens, one of them fatally.

Far Queue symbol Some MPs would like members of the public calling them Narzis to be made a criminal offence; even when they are behaving like Narzis.
update The view from Berko, the Commons Squeaker, is that Snoflake MPs and others should toughen up, grow a set and be prepared to endure a spot of routine bullying from their betters; e.g. Berko.
reader comment“Expression is free only when it is a view endorsed by a pompous nanny in a public office.” I.V.
bullet Attention self-righteous MPs: If you behave like a Narzi; or like Stalin, Mao or Pol Pot; you are not entitled to be surprised if people notice.
reader comment“Far-left Tory MP A. Soubry heckled by far-right agitator? There's nothing wrong with pots calling kettles black in the world of politics. They all do it all the time.” H.R.

See 'GREEN' think 'FRAUD!'
bullet The 2013 Coalition government's Green Deal was supposed to make every house in the country energy efficient by 2030. It collapsed in shambles in 2015 and was abandoned. Four years on, customers are still facing inflated bills from energy companies to service loans with highly inflated interest rates compared to the BoE base rate.
    The loans were for replacement boilers, solar panels and insulation installed, in many cases, by government-approved gangster companies, whose shoddy work required expensive re-doing after the gangster had moved on. Having wasted £400 MILLION on the scam, the government is reluctant to spend any more cash on unscrewing its screw-up.

reader comment“We won't have a trade deal with the EU when we leave it on March 29th, and that's what the whole thing is about, really. As a consequence, a no-deal Brexit is inevitable. That being the case, everyone can relax.” M.B.

Invisible slashes
bullet Sainsbury supermarkets are reported to be slashing prices by one-half to compete with Aldi. No sign of that happening in Romiley, where price rises of 7½% have been noted in the new year at Sainsbury's, and Aldi's car park remains well-filled.

What next?
cell bars The latest Big Idea suggested to our soft-on-crime government is no bars on prison windows because they are punitive and institutional. [Someone clearly doesn't get the meaning of prison. Ed.] Also, cells will be called rooms and they will be inhabited by men (or whatever) instead of inmates.
    As well as a phone, prisoners should also get a laptop, a fridge and the means to make a cup of tea or coffee so that they can offer in-room hospitality to visitors and sexmates.
    Who says crime doesn't pay!

Far Queue symbol O.J. Corbynski has revealed that his preferred approach to politics is to invest in constructive ambiguity until the pips squeak.
translation: he waffles and contradicts himself until no one, including himself, has a clue where he stands and where he's going.

The Rules are the Rulz
Far Queue symbol If the Squeaker of the House of Commons deliberately breaks the rules and allows a vote to be made on an amendment to an unamendable government motion, then the government is entitled to ignore the outcome of the vote and put the Squeaker in the stocks on Parliament Hill until he repents.
    Justice, fairness and level playing fields demand it.

Please be LGM, pur-leeease!
bullet Astronomers have detected Fast Radio Bursts – spurts of radio-frequency noise lasting a millisecond each – a dozen or so times. Conventional wisdom says FRBs are associated with events occurring at dense objects; black holes and neutron stars. But some experts would like them to be proof of the activities of an advanced civilization.
    But if they are, the civilization would be operating continuously and it would be reasonable to expect its signals to be detected a lot more often than less than two dozen times in two decades. But hey, nothing can be allowed to get in the way of a good 'aliens out there' story.
reader comment“FRBs are thought to originate outside our galaxy. Enter aliens who are mocking us by whizzing tantalizingly tiny signals at us. Alternatively, we can detect only the equivalent of the odd full stop in messages which are pages long.
    “In either event, the 'aliens' are too distant to be bothered about us and we have no hope of contacting them. But all this does give the SETI mob something to do in their 'working' day. And also the 'scientists' who believe it's their job to have outlandish thoughts — something which they should be doing in their own time.” A.R.

A climate with the hump?
bullet There is too much snow landing on Europe whilst Britain is shivering under wet fog. In southern Germany and Austria, ski resorts have had to close down and the forecast is lots more snow to come. Could this be the start of a new Ice Age and impoverished and discredited old age for the Global Warming Fraudsters?

Tooken over—hijacking always happens
bullet If anyone is wondering why the high-viz protesters are still having weekends of demos and destruction in France, it's because the inevitable has happened. Political extremists from all over the spectrum have joined in and they're trying to destroy capitalism and bring over-privileged public sector staff to account whilst dumping the blame for all the disorder on the original protesters.
    And what about those original protesters? They're still there and they still want lower taxes on fuel and consumer goods, a higher minimum wage and higher pensions, and also a removal of power from the President, the government and the French parliament in favour of Rule by Referendum.

Public Service Announcement

Get them while they last . . .
the new, improved “Bollocks to Berko” car sticker

only from: Romiley StickerShop, 42 Riverside Drive

One knee jerked
bullet The Prime Monster has told Britain's own Chappaquiddick Kid, the Speedboat Killer, to give himself up. But if her own MPs aren't taking orders from her, it's a pretty empty gesture.

The brakes are on and a smokescreen of denial is billowing
bullet There's nothing like the relentless stare of the media spotlight for geeing up jobsworths. The Can't Prosecute Service has been forced to realize that it can't get away with ignoring an alleged case of glassing inflicted on a barman who's a much-loved war veteran by the Speedboat Killer.

bullet The police farce of the Metropolis is suffering the extreme embarrassment of having the Daily Mail running the search for J. Shepherd as the cops don't seem all that bovvered about finding him.

empty shelves in romileyempty shelves in romiley
Panic buying as Brexit approaches has emptied Romiley's shops

bullet The government is letting two-thirds of failed asylum seekers stay in the UK. Which raises the question of what use the asylum system is if all it does is provide non-jobs at the taxpayer's expense for a gang of civil servants who can't get the job done, and also gangs of lawyers with their hands up to the shoulder in the taxpayer's pocket.

Pragmatism Rulz, OK
bullet Woolly mammoths (extinct) are to be declared a protected species to make the trade in mammoth tusks illegal. Why? Because criminals are passing off poached elephant ivory as mammoth ivory from Siberia.

bullet The latest from the experts is that if you drink a glass of wine with dinner every day of the week, you'll develop atrial fibrillation and croak. Cheerful bunch, these experts!

bullet The Beeb's bods have been ordered to stop saying "The BBC understands . . " as everyone now knows that this is code for "someone else came up with this piece of news but we at the Beeb would like to pretend that we unearthed it".

bullet Heavy users of antisocial meeja are to be classed as addicts alongside abusers of chemical concoctions.

bullet The latest message from the government's health nerds is that Sugar puts the FAT into Fatality.

bullet More migrants are forming a caravan in Honduras, hoping to reach Mexico and sneak into the United States before President Trump can build his security barrier. The whole thing is being organized on antisocial meeja.
    Meanwhile, 25% of the Federal government has been without funds since a few days before Xmas due to the ass-kicking contest between the president and the Democraps, which shows no sign of ending.

X-tremism to come
bullet Tory Bremoaners who wreck Brexit will let in the far-right, is the latest alarum call from (some of) the government. And that's in addition to the far-left Corbynski commies. All we need after that is an invasion of the far-centre for a full house.

bullet January 11th has come and gone, which means that most new year resolutions are now one with history.

A climate with the hump, part 2
bullet In Switzerland, a huge avalanche crashed through the front of a hotel, leaving diners up to their waists in snow. Amazingly, no one was killed. Germany has had to send in the army to get supplies to remote communities in the south.
bullet All the snow is being blamed on sudden stratospheric warming. Which leaves us in fear and trembling of what will happen if the stratosphere cools suddenly.

 WEEK 3 

Natural selection by bullet
bullet The forces of evolution are damaging the poaching trade in Africa. The previously small number of female elephants born without tusks is increasing as poachers have no reason to kill them and they are becoming the breeding stock of preference by default.

No need to panic
reader comment“The Prime Minister has nothing to worry about on Tuesday. If her Brexit deal is trashed by the Commoners, all she is obliged to do is produce a Plan B by Friday.
    “It doesn't have to be a good Plan B. It doesn't have to be complete and comprehensive. In fact, it could just be a piece of paper headed by "Plan B" and with a few lines of blah. Job done.” P.E.

There is no news in the United States of America: Official!
bulletThere can't possibly be if an Indianapolis Colts player doing some celebratory pelvic thrusts during his team's loss to the Chiefs in Kansas City on Saturday is causing such a big stir.

In the name of democracy?
bullet Eight airports around Germany are to be closed by strike action on the third Tuesday of the month in protest against the anti-democratic antics of Britain's MPs and their attempt to thwart Brexit.

The light of day effect
bullet The prime minister's supporters are hoping that exposing the anti-constitutional manoeuvrings of the MPs who are trying to sink Brexit will discourage them if the full extent of their treachery is revealed and names are named.

bullet Inadequate police farces have discovered a cute way to prevent their failures from being exposed. They tell HM Inspectorate of Constabulary scrutineers that they are updating their computer system and the data is unavailable to be evaluated and reported.

Plan C
reader comment“What is the PM's best move to ensure Brexit happens? To soldier on until mid-March and then call a general election, which will take 3 weeks to happen — i.e. after March 29th.” C.E.

bullet The latest Bremoaner scare story is that the Channel tunnel will have to be closed and filled in if there is a no-treaty Brexit.

Shock-Horror Catastrophe Warning
bullet Xmas 2019 (and all subsequent ones) will have to be cancelled as Brussels sprouts will no longer be available post-Brexit.
[Not even Vegan copies. Ed.]

What are politicians for if not ruinously costly U-turns?
bullet Burning heavily subsidized wood shipped all the way across the Atlantic from the United States, instead of coal, in power stations used to be a Good Things because more wood can be grown, making it fall into the blessed category of Renewables. Of course, there is no shortage of coal, but that inconvenient truth is deemed to be beside the point.
    Like coal, wood also creates carbon dioxide when burnt, but this is good carbon dioxide from a Renewable. Unfortunately, burning wood also releases huge quantities of air-polluting fine particulates, which are a Bad Thing.
    As a result of some rotter noticing this, the government is going to have to axe the subsidies created for wood-burning power stations by the useless Liberals in the late and unlamented Coalition. [And maybe return them to burning coal to keep the lights on? Ed.] But probably not until after the cosmetic ban on trendy wood-burning stoves in urban areas has been put in place.

The death of politics? Nope, just business as usual
reader comment“When one contemplates the mess that the Tories have made of Brexit, there is no appetite for giving them a mandate to screw things up even worse. And knowing how useless Labour, the Liberals and the SNP have proved themselves to be, we can have no confidence in their self-serving efforts. In fact, for all of them, there's no point in telling us any more lies because no one is going to believe them.” P.A.

With the shrapnel still flying . . .
reader comment“The lower House of Expenses Cheats has told the EU that the Brexit deal on offer is inadequate. Time for the lazy jobsworths in Brussels to start to earn some of their inflated salaries by making an effort to negotiate rather than indulge in negotions with boozy lunches.” E.D.

It's politics, don't expect it to make sense
bullet The Americans have a Brexit-style spilt of their own—50% of them want the Trump fortification along the border with Mexico and 50% don't. A lot of Americans also appear to have schizophrenic tendencies in that they want the barrier but they blame President Trump for the partial shutdown of the government machine, not the Democraps, who caused it.

Patience running out (or expired)
reader comment“Maybe now the PM will put her Oily gopher back in his box and give the negotiating job to someone who gets hardball.”
reader comment“If Brexit does get cancelled, would it be too much to expect that whoever signs the piece of paper is held personally responsible for all the BILLIONs wasted on the negotions and faffing about since the referendum in 2016.” P.A.
[Yup. Ed.]

Mueller doomed to disappoint
bullet Anyone hoping that former FBI boss Robert Mueller's investigation will produce explosive revelations of international chicanery is doomed to be disappointed.
    The word from the people in the know is that Mueller, who became familiar to a worldwide audience via the email scam letters sent out in his name, has nothing at all to report when it comes to coordination and collusion with Russians efforts to meddle in US elections.
    Even worse, there is no evidence of any knowledge on the part of the president or anybody in his campaign of what the Russians were attempting to do.

reader comment“Is this May's Brexit Betrayal Plan? Stitch up a deal with the EU which is so bad that no one in her party could vote for it in good conscience? As a result, the one-third of the Tory MPs with a conscience voted with the opposition, who would vote against any deal they hadn't made, no matter how beneficial it was for the country.
    “As a result, Brexit is cancelled, the Establishment breathes a sigh of relief, democracy in Britain is dead and no one is surprised.” D.M.

How much does it cost to bribe a Mexican president?
bullet Sinaloa drug lord Joaquin “Titch” Guzman paid President Enrique Peña Nieto $100 million in 2012 to call off a nationwide manhunt for him, according to testimony given by Colombian drug baron Alex Cifuentes Villa in a New York federal court.
    In fact, this was an el cheapo deal as Guzman was able to bargain the president down from the $250 million originally demanded as the price of his freedom of movement.

Standing idly by
bullet It has suddenly become fashionable for political leaders to stage a vote which they are bound to lose. May with her Brexit deal, Corbyn with a no-confidence vote. Why? Because they would have to make an effort to do something useful otherwise, and all they are good for is wasting time and the taxpayer's cash.

LOook at meee, Loook at meeeee!
reader comment“Is the Labour MP who delayed her child's birth by caesarian section to cast a meaningless vote against the PM's Brexit deal guilty of political posturing and look-at-meism? Not a shred of doubt about it. She is a right posturing tulip.” L.H.
reader comment“It's not something you'd normally wish on a child but you do sort of hope the kid is born with two heads as a message from the Universe to the mother telling her not to be such a git in future.” G.A.
reader comment“Did Tulip postpone the birth of her child by another day for the Corbynski no confidence vote? If not, the first postponement was, indeed, just self-indulgent posturing.” A.V.

The future—but not yet
bullet The world's first hotel with all-robot staff (it's in Japan, where else?) has had to 'sack' 50% of the 200+ 'staff' because they keep breaking down and/or they annoy the guests with stupid questions and by having cloth ears.
    The robots had to go as the hotel's operators found that they were having to hire lots of humans to explain to guests why the robots weren't working.

bullet The Labour party has been fined a record amount for neglecting the rules on political donations in the run up to the 2017 general election.
   Crumbs! How many millions?
Twelve grand.

New balls, please!
reader comment“The Prime Minister was pushed into a vote she was bound to lose. Now, the same has happened to O.J. Corbynski. A lot of time has been wasted proving that everyone is a loser in the Palace of Westmonster. But we already knew that.” A.V.

bullet An opinion poll has found that 75% of the population across the political spectrum believe that our current crew of MPs are not up to the job.

Only real fakes allowed
bullet Retailers are being warned that spies from the Advertising Standards Agency are checking up on them and anyone found selling Chinese 'fake' fur made from real fur from real animals will be done over something rotten with an eye-watering fine.

Experts or total idiots?
bullet A gang of experts wants everyone to cut down on animal-based protein (one steak per month equivalent) to reduce deaths from o'besity, heart disease, etc. Why? To help the population of humans to grow to 10 billion polluting consumers.
    They don't seem to have realized that the environment which they claim they are protecting would be in much better shape with FEWER humans around and that any malnutrition is due to fecklessness on the part of parents and poor distribution of more than adequate food stocks. But that would be too much to expect from blinkered fanatics.

bullet Our MPs have come up with a master plan to save our world from pollution by plastics, heavy metals, etc. What they seem to have failed to do is to have a lot at a map of that world and realize just how small and insignificant our island is compared to the rest of the landmass. But perspective and contact with the real world was never our MPs' strong suit.

Make-work for the few, paid for by the many
bullet The Westmonster civil service mandarins think another referendum on Britain's membership of the EU would take 15 months to organize and run. That is one hell of a lot of free lunches!
reader comment“It also gives us some hope that the ancient Bremoaners, like Pollen Tonybee, will croak before the vote takes place.” C.V.

Give him a bloodstained hand to shake
reader comment“Maybe the Prime Minister should go out and murder a few people; preferably starting with the blockhead waxworks in charge of the EU. Then O.J. Corybynski might feel inclined to talk to her and admit he wants out of the EU as much as any Tory Brexiteer—if only to be on the other side of the argument from Mrs. May.” T.P.
reader comment“Does a vote of no confidence in O.J. Corybyn amount to a vote of confidence in the Prime Monster? Not in the real world.” D.H.

bullet A large part of Britain is alleged to be under a covering of snow right now. No sign of any here, in Romiley.
bullet The official NHS advice to customers when there is snow around is: "Please try to avoid freezing to death".

bullet Prince Philip, 97, in a car crash, shocked but okay. He's from a generation that was built to last.

Sauce for the Berk
bullet Having torn up the House of Commons rule book and bullied his staff without consequences, the Squeaker can wave goodbye to an automatic peerage from this government. His only hope of getting one now is to crawl even further up O.J. Corybynski's backside.

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* Trans-Cagney
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* They are the cops who put the MAN into Woman!

The New Cagney & Lacey remake

 WEEK 4 

You can't win; don't expect to
bullet If you are thinking of swapping to another major bank will give you continuous service electronically with no IT crashes, think again. Now that they are required to report such glitches, it has been revealed that all of them have at least one security meltdown per week due to a technology failure or an attack by criminals.
    No improvement can be expected until banks scrap their ancient ‘legacy' IT systems. The problem is that they can't do it until the replacement system can be declared bug-free. Which is a process that is unlikely to be completed until the ‘new' system has become antique.

Brexit mass extinction? Crumbs!
bullet Fakebook is being used to publish claims that animal species all over the world will be wiped out if Britain leaves the EU. Bluefin tuna, orangutans, sea turtles and lots of others will be wiped from the face of the planet if Britain is allowed to escape the dead hand of the EU, is the message. It doesn't make sense, but hey, it's propaganda so it doesn't have to.

How about a nice pastel green?
bullet Corbynist D. Abbott would have the nation believe that she is booed and jeered at public meetings solely because she is a black woman rather than an air-head disaster of a politician.
    Strange that she has failed to respond to the suggestion that she should find out for sure. If a paint job combined with a sex change stops the jeers, that would prove that she is right.

Oh, for a muse of credibility
bullet NINE government ministers with ambitions to become the next Tory leader and the prime minister are trying to make it happen by leaking the view that a snap general election is in the offing.
    The PM is insisting there won't be one, which just makes their case as she has form for denial followed by a snap general election.
    Remember 2017? When her appallingly limp campaign trashed her majority?

bullet The Prime Minister is in real trouble! Nigel Farage is starting a new Brexit Party to ensure that the Brexit process which he has pursued tirelessly goes through despite the foot-dragging of the Bremoaner lobby.

bullet Visitors to the Royal Mint Experience in Wales are to be offered the chance actually to make their very own 50p coin with a 'New Pence' slogan in honour of its 50th anniversary. For a fiver, the lucky punter gets to push a button and create a brilliant uncirculated, limited edition coin, which will be a 'must have' for collectors. The coin is encased in a presentation pack and it is bound to raise more than the fiver on eBay if the owner can bear to part with it.
bullet The coin will be something to hide away as it is the sort of thing which O.J. Corbynsky and his gang are bound to slap a heavy retrospective indulgence tax on if they ever gain power.

Work, work, work
police helmet Police officers in Scotland have been banned from taking holidays after Brexit. Their bosses are anticipating violent demonstrations whipped up by the Gnats in pursuit of IndyRef2 and food riots when imports from the Continent are stalled at the ports, especially after the Labour party tells the unions to call strikes in pursuit of a general election.
    Police Scotland is also expecting to have to send officers to Northern Ireland to tackle border riots stirred up by the government of the Irish Republic.
    There is also a spot of empire-building going on. Plans to cut 300 jobs have been ditched and there is a recruitment drive going on north of the border. [Our border, not the Irish one. Ed.]

China catches up with West in decadence stakes
bullet They've been around for decades in the English-speaking world. Now, an enterprising bloke in Beijing is offering people the chance to relieve frustration and stress by paying $20 to smash household objects; bottles, crockery, etc.; in an Angry Room.

Blood Wolf SuperMoon — flop

Blood wolf super Moon

The more hype and adjectives they stick in front of an eclipse, the greater the chance that there will be 100% cloud when it happens if not rain. Contrast tweaked up, this was what was on offer to viewers in Romiley in the early hours of the third Monday of the month.

bullet The o'besity crisis has been explained! Children are leaving school unable to count sugar cubes and that's why they get fat and stay fat.

Far Queue symbol Berko, the man who put the G-LISTER into glister, has come up with a counter to the prime minister's office denying him an automatic peerage if he quits now — he's threatening to stay in the office which he has shamed so throughly until 2020 if he isn't guaranteed a billet in the House of Frauds.

bullet After all the threats, some snow finally arrived on Romiley in the morning of the fourth Tuesday of the month. But it didn't linger and the Sun came out for a while. Only to vanish again and allow a cycle of sleet, snow, sleet again to begin.
reader comment“If this is winter, they can have it back!” D.R.
reader comment“Romiley is getting off very easy. There's absolute chaos in parts of Northern France and 24 departments are on an orange weather alert.” E.B.

bullet The vegan fad has hit the buffers. Attempts to pass off vegan Cornish pasties as substitutes for the real thing have foundered on the rock of a real Cornish pasty being required to be at least one-eighth real beef.

Enjoy yourself while you can!
bullet The world will stop spinning in a dozen years if climate change is left unchecked, according to a Democrap member of the US House of Representatives. Naturally, she has nothing to offered in the way of evidence to support her claim. Looks like she's just recycling old material from GW Swindler Al Gore.

Out you go!
bullet Nothing like flogging an idea to death. First there was Brexit. Next thing you know, exits are everywhere. The latest is Blexit, a movement started by people who want to convince members of minorities that they don't have to support the Democratic party in America to be right-on.

Far Queue symbol Berko — the man who put the FECK in defective.

Rotting from the head down
police helmet The police farce of the Metropolis has finally acknowledged that its upper echelons are peopled by box-tickers and political correcters rather than real coppers. Thus the farce is now offering direct entry at any level between inspector and superintendent.
    Candidates must have a proven track record in the fields of diversification and obfuscation. Zero knowledge of police procedures and the law is acceptable, if not encouraged.

We're not the only unpopular ones
bullet The governments of France and Germany hate us. The Italian government, however, really has the hump with the "terrible president" of France, Manny Micron, especially in the wake of his new friendship treaty with Germany and moves by these two to lay the foundations of an EU army.
    The Italians blame the French and their oil interests in Libya for creating the chaos which has allowed people smugglers to flourish and causing the migration crisis in Europe; especially in Italy. Thus the Italians are cheering on the hi-viz protesters in France and urging them to give Micron a bloody nose in the Europeon elections in May.

Another yellow-vested interest takes action
bullet Don't expect to hail a taxi in Madrid to take you from your luxury hotel to one of the world's biggest tourism fairs. Conventional taxi drivers are out on the streets in hi-viz vests, blockading the fair site and lighting the traditional bonfires in protest against Uber-style taxis which, they claim, are stealing their jobs.

bullet A survey conducted among the world's free-lunch brigades has declared Switzerland the best place to be in the whole world for the umpteenth year in succession. In the same survey, Switzerland achieved one of the lowest scores on record for 'affordability', but if someone else (e.g. the taxpayer) is paying for your jaunt there, that's not anything that worries the free-lunchers.

Far Queue symbol + + + Daily Mail nails Speedboat Killer + + + Home Sec. Vajid Javid furious + + + He wanted to make bust personally to boost leadership profile + + + The Met knew Shepherd was in Georgia 6 months ago but did nothing + + + Extradition could drag on for rest of this year as local lawyers hoover up legal aid + + + Shepherd said to be hoping Georgia's waxworks will decide to keep him as a snub to Britain + + +

Another fish that's rotten from the head down
bullet What the Britannophobes on the European mainland fail to get is that the UK wants to be out of the institution of the EU but not to cut off contact with the individual countries across the water.
    We think that the burrocraps running the EU, and the leaders of European nations like France and Germany, are gits. But we're okay with doing business with companies on the other side of the Channel — that's the English Channel, let us not forget — and reciprocal tourism.
    We just don't want to have to pay huge amounts of cash to the EU burrocracy in return for nothing much.

Far Queue symbol The American broadcast network CNN has been officially crowned the King of Fake News for its services to spreading vitriol, prejudice, bias and deception.
    CNN had to fend off strong challenges from Apple and Gooble — both are trying to convince people that their phones and programs are absolutely essential for surviving the ravages of global warming.
update The CNN White House correspondent, whose claim to fame is that he is the greatest danger to real journalism in the United States, has provoked much merriment by announcing that he's writing a book about President Trump which will be full of never before revealed stuff. The big question is whether the publisher, Harper/Collins, will be honest enough to include it in their fiction list.

bullet President Trump has agreed to put off his annual State of the Union Address until after the federal shutdown ends after being messed around by the House of Representatives Speaker N. Pelosi. She invited him to address the House but then did a U-turn. The Democraps are mightily relieved as about all the President could have said is that the Union is in a hell of a mess and they are to blame for it.

Far Queue symbol O.J. Corbynski is officially to blame for sabotaging a Bremoaner MP's attempt to have a second referendum on Britain's EU membership. He did it by refusing to offer his enthusiastic support. What a rotter he is! Yuk, yuk!
    Lest we forget — this is the referendum which will take 15 months to organize and run, according to the waxworks of the civil service.

All in a name
bullet The English Tiddlywinks Association is still wondering whether to change its name to the Soberwinks Association of England to avoid the unfortunate connotations. The debate has been on-going for 45 years and shows no sign of abating.

As he sez, not as he does
bullet Multimillionaire tax dodger P. Bono Hewson wants to save the world from poverty and national governments and philanthropists to do more. He's long on preachifying, knowing that if the government of his native land (Ireland) does dip a hand into the taxpayer's pocket, his pockets will be safe as he's an ex-pat, taxwise.

Far Queue symbol J. Dyson, the bagless Hoover bloke, to be stripped of his knighthood for disservice to British industry after moving the rest of his operation out of the UK to join the factories in Singapore?

Burglars' Charter
bullet A guesstimated 2,400 criminals in the Greater Manchester area will be awarded a get out of gaol free card if the prisons minister's scam to abolish short prison sentences is put into effect.

Job done, photo op delivered
bullet A 24-hour homeless shelter in Ardwick opened in a blaze of publicity for Manchester's cosmetic mayor, the Stafford Hospital Guy, but closed its doors 3 months later on Xmas Eve and will not be reopened as it will cost too much to put the building into a safe state of repair.

Leave the wrecking to the real experts
bullet O.J. Corbynski has been consulting representatives of the government of Venezuela for advice on how to turn the UK into a communist shambles in the unlikely event of his living long enough to win a general election and being allowed to stay in the PM job by the all too ready back-stabbers in his party.

bulletQ: What's the difference between a Prada £270 plain white T-shirt and one from George costing £3.50?
bulletA: £266.50 and a microscopic logo.

"Ain't I wonderful!"
bullet A Republican senator in Washington is doing a spot of virtue signalling by trying to get the Australian-import sport of dwarf tossing banned on the grounds that it “demeans and exploits those of small stature.”
    Is M. Padden bothered about depriving consenting persons of small stature of an income from this activity? Of course, he isn't. Has he bothered to consult members of the small stature community? That's unlikely, given his job. All he's interested in is waving his virtue flag no matter what the cost to others.

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His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

 WEEK 5 

We have to go along with that . . .
bullet What do you call a St. Louis police officer shooting and killing a colleague whilst they were playing a variation of Russian Roulette? The local police establishment went for a charge of involuntary manslaughter [class C felony, 3-10 years]. Natural selection might be a bit nearer the mark.

Virtue flags in a tangle
bullet The sport of tennis In Australia pushed the diversity button back in 2003 and renamed the tennis Show Court One the Margaret Court Arena because she's a woman as well as being one of Australia's greatest champions, and the wimmin there wanted an answer to the Rod Laver Arena.
   But Ms Court is in trouble for having Christian beliefs and daring to believe that legsbians ruined women's tennis and provide the wrong role models for up and arriving youngsters. As a result, the world of Aussie tennis is now scouring around for a tranny world champion, after whom the Court Arena can be renamed.

bullet Guesstimates of the daily cost to the American people of the shutdown caused by the Democraps' refusal to provide cash for President Trump's southern border defences vary from $52 million to $360 million. The most popular guesstimate for the total cost is $5,700 million. which includes the wages lost by government workers and the amount of cash which was not spent in the economy as a result.

Not even bothering to say told you so . . .
bullet If you elect a president who rejoices in the name 'The Crocodile', you can expect him to bite your legs off. No surprise that this is exactly what has happening in post-Mugabe Rhodesia.
meanwhile The fugitive ex-dictator Mugabe has been done over for a million bucks. He was foolish enough to leave the cash lying around in a suitcase at one of his mansions, and most of the cash has taken a walk.
    The three prime suspects are alleged to have blown their loot on flash cars, posh houses and livestock for their farms.

bullet + + + Earthquake in Scottish Highlands + + + shale-gas fracking in North of England blamed in whinge by First Meenister + + + Felt 'weakly' — only one resident of Castleton, Lochgilphead, noticed the 2:20 a.m. geological assault + + + At R1.5 magnitude, it's a wonder anyone at all noticed it, commented our expert + + +

A message still being delivered . . .
Far Queue symbol The Yellow-Vest Pests are refusing to give President Micron a weekend off. They were out on the streets, yelling the French equivalent of: "Hell, yo! The twat must go!" for the 11th time in a row during the final weekend of the month.

Covert rip-offs
bullet The Office for National Sadistics has compiled a list of 206 items which were subjected to shrinkflation in the period between 2015 and June 2017.
   Bread, chocolate, biscuit packs and toilet rolls are among the items which shrank in size/weight but not in price.
reader comment“If all they could come up with was 206 things, the jobsworths clearly weren't making much of an effort. Obviously, none of them ever have to do the shopping.” E.S.

Unhappy compromise?
bullet Switching the NFL Pro Bowl from Hawaii to Florida puts it on at a more friendly hour for TV viewers but no one is likely to have appreciated the match-long rain in Orlando. But at least it's not the hurricane season.
    The score was 17-0 in favour of the AFC at half-time, and the NFC was looking lucky to have nil. It was 20-0 going into the fourth quarter and the AFC clearly had the $67K for winners in its collective grasp. The NFC players would have collected $34K apiece even if there had been a whitewash, but they avoided that indignity.
    The final score was 26-7 — and AFC 2-point try flopped.

The Forces of Evil are at it again
reader comment“If your house caught fire, who would you rather have trying to save it — big, strong, white men or a group of people of varied sizes and ethnicities and capabilities which reflects the diversity of your community unnecessarily? Trying to keep white men out of the nation's fire brigades should be classed as an act of terrorism.” B.D.

Political correctness kills
reader comment“Further to the above — who would you want in overall charge of the fire-fighting operation? Someone who knows how to tackle fires? Or someone skilled in the art of management-speak BS and amateur social engineering?” N.R.

bullet The experts have decided that the only way to treat o'besity is to wage a war on junk foods like the one inflicted on the tobacco industry. Thus we can expect to see shutters come down in large areas of shops and supermarkets and junk foods disappear into cupboards like the ones where ciggies now live.

Ready for anything
bullet The government is preparing to declare martial law in the event of Bremoaners stirring up riots after a no-treaty Brexit. All Bremoaners will be subject to a dusk-to-dawn curfew and the army will be allowed to shoot known Corbynists on sight.

Far Queue symbol Getting the Irish Republic expelled from the EU is now being suggested as the best way to smooth Britain's exit.

Project Fear's Latest
bullet In the event of a no-treaty Brexit, supermarkets will be left empty and 30% of the population will die of a heart attack or stroke because they won't be able to afford fruit and vegetables after rip-off WTO import tariffs are applied.
[Which is good news for the struggling NHS in its own way. Ed.]
meanwhile WTO rules provide maximum tariffs. A lower or zero tariff is always an option.

bullet An opinion poll conducted by the Wall Street Journal and NBC News just before President Trump ended the longest government shutdown in U.S. history found that support for the president remained consistent and unchanged across the country.

bullet Apologists for the Vikings are trying to make out that the Angular Saxons were much worse. Their suggestion is that all the bad stuff like ethnic cleansing happened four centuries before the Vikings got busy and their impact was much less because most of the ethnics had been cleaned up by the time the Vikings arrived.
    According to the apologists, the bad press received by the Vikings was all down to fake news created by monks who were fed up with all the rape, pillage and murder which happened whenever longships landed.

Appearances are everything
bullet Despite a scandal filled year, which included money-laundering at a major bank and embezzlement from a government department, Denmark has regained the lead in the Corruption Perception Index for 2018.
    The result means that people perceive Denmark not to be corrupt regardless of how much actual corruption goes on. Big deal about the number one place, though. New Zealand. the winner in 2017 by one point, is now just one point behind Denmark.

bullet Killer Food World magazine is sponsoring the search for the junk food product which puts the FAT into fatal.

bullet O.J. Corbynski has realized that the only way he's ever going to see the inside of 10, Downing Street is to stop posturing and twatting around, and accept the PM's invitation to tea and talks.
update Big disappointment for Corbynski. His meeting with the PM took place at her office in the Commons, so no photo-opportunity in Downing Street. And no chance to be yelled at by rude bastard members of Her Majesty's Press with cheeky questions which never get an acknowledgement.

bullet Mrs. Balls-Cooper, MP, has been told that she has no chance of support in Parliament as long as the Syrian refugee suites at her many homes remain unoccupied.

reader comment“Good job there's no obligation on lawyers to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth or the speedboat killer's Georgian designer popsie would be doing 99 years to life with hard labour.” N.R.

Plumping up the CV
bullet F. Onasanya, MP, who has decided that she is going to be Britain's first black female prime minister, has been convicted of attempting to pervert the course of justice.
    After serving her three-month gaol sentence, which will inconvenience the taxpayer for just 28 days tops, she will be right at home in the House of Common Criminals and well qualified to be a future leader of the Labour party.
update The courts have been reminded that former MP C. Huhne got 8 months inside (the nominal rather than actual time served) for his attempt to pervert the course of justice, and public opinion is that Onasanya should get the same.

Global warming strikes again
bullet A polar vortex is creating a once-in-a-generation cold weather event in the American Midwest. The deepest freeze for decades is expected to deliver temperatures of -22 deg.F and wind chill readings of -50 deg.F or even -60 deg.F.
    Talking and deep breathing outdoors are not recommended in the affected areas, where frostbite could set in within 10 minutes of reckless exposure. The subzero wind chills are expected to last for 3 days and for two days, the temperature will be so low that people will be able to hear buildings and outdoor objects creaking!
update In Chicago, they're having to use gas burners to heat sets of points to keep the railways running.

meanwhile It's not quite that bad in Romiley . . .

January snow in Romiley, 2019

Lacking conviction
bullet O.J. Corbynski claims that he was disappointed by some of his MPs ignoring the party line, which was to back the Pixie Balls-Cooper Brexit-wrecking amendment. But as he made a career of ignoring orders from earlier Labour party bosses, no one is taking his synthetic outrage at all seriously.

Below the line mission statement: We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, January MM19.