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Looney Toones “In the good old daze, the nutter population used to think they were Napoleon and master of the world. Now, they think they're going to be the British prime minister. Shrinking horizons . . .”
There is still no F in Brexit thanks to the Westminster Wonders—but Prime Monster Boris is doing his best to ram it up the humbuggers!


 WEEK 1 

CFL logoSuper Saturday #1: The Eskimos in the wet nation's capital. Both defences held up well in the first quarter and the first points were from a FG kicked by the Redblacks in the 14th minute. The Eskimo offense did some spluttering in the second quarter. The visitors managed a rouge from a punt and Whyte kicked a 50 yard FG in the 14th minute for 4-3. Stopping the Redblacks quickly gave Whyte another shot from 47 yards, 7-3 at half time.
    The Esks battered to the Ottawa 1 in their Q3 opener, went for it on 3rd & 1 and goal; TD for Kilgore, 14-3. The RB defence struggled in Q3 but a drive in to Q4 produced another FG from Ward, 14-6. A deep pass to Rhymes, DPI by the Esks and the RBs advanced to the Edmonton 1. TD Ottawa, +2, 14-all with 6 minutes to go. 4 minutes left, a 51-yard bomb from Kilgore to Daniels at the RB 20, on to a TD for Smith in goal with double coverage! 21-14.
   The RBs went out on downs and the Esks had to eat 1:46. They got rid of the final 6 seconds when Ellingson ran back to his goal from the EE 35 and off the field to end the game with a safety, 21-16 final.

shifty-eyed skullAny old excuse to put prices up
A very nominal reduction in the amount of alcohol consumed in Scotland—just a few per cent—is being seized upon as an excuse for pushing for a minimum unit price for booze south of the border.
    The humbugs are useless at delivering the will of the people on Brexit but sticking a hand in other people's pocket? That's their territory.

Far Queue symbol The Luvvie Lobby is making a big deal out of denying that a non-white TV presenter on the BBC payroll could possibly have shown rachel bias. The Luvvies claim that even thinking that she could is a breach of impartiality, BBC-style.

Rotting from the head down
The waxworks in charge of the sorry shambles which used to be the British Army think male soldiers should be required to wear face make-up in the interests of inclusivity and diversity.
    The current Defence Sec. thinks camouflage is the only face paint that blokes should wear but he is thought to be too wimpy to consider putting one of the waxworks in front of a firing squad 'pour encourage les autres'.
    To their credit, senior army officers who could find themselves in the firing line in the event of war are treating the idea as an early arrival of April First.

More Lefty Lunatics for the police to whitewash
If indeed 130,000 people did die as a result of government austerity measures, as the Institute for Pub Policy Res claims, then these loony lefties put their hissy banner with the dangling corpse replicas in the wrong place. It should have been outside Gordon F. Broon's house, not in Salford, as he was the idiot who maxed out the nation's credit card and forced the austerity measures on the next regime, which had to pick up the pieces after he had been thrust in to the dustbin of history.
reader comment“When it comes to pure poison, you can't beat the looney left, who do it because they know they're fireproof.” A.C.

The politics of desperation
Bremoaners, led by sacked Chancellor P. Hammond, the PM's gullible sister and the fiscally incompetent J. McDowell, are heading toward their Plan Z.
    Fellow Bremoaners at the Financial Times have trashed the conspiracy theory that Brexit is being run by hedge fundamentalists out to make a fortune from No Deal, but even the mighty brains at the FT will struggle with Plan Z.
    As these conspirators are aliens, there is nothing tangible for anyone to challenge and trash. Brilliant, or what!

reader comment“It is very revealing to watch middle-aged women with jobs in the meeja fawning over Greenhouse Greta, who has a severe case of teenage inability to evaluate the information she's been fed by Warmists.
    “Pretending to take her seriously and showing feminine solidarity and a maternal attitude is all very well, but it does the credibility of the ladies involved no good at all. Greta is a child, not an expert on anything at all, and she should be treated as such before her sense of entitlement gets any bigger.
    “Unless, of course, everyone is building her up now so that when the wheels come off her career as Saviour of The Planet, the crash will be all the more spectacular.” G.P.

Another one who's not much cop
The Chief Con of the failed Cleveland police farce has been in place only since April. The cosmetic Police & Crime Commish for the area, one B. Coppinger (Lab.), has no such excuse. He has been in place for 7 years, he presided over the collapse and he intends to go on drawing his £70K wages as he is also in 'not me, Gov' mode.

bulletQ: What do you get if you shoot at an aggressive burglar, who was trying to break in to the shed in your garden in Dallas, go back to bed and don't phone 911 until you find a body the next morning?
bulletA: Busted by unsympathetic cops.

bulletQ: Can Tesla electric car and SpaceX honcho E. Musk put human beans on Mars by 2024?
bulletA: He's having a giraffe.
reader comment“Push off, Musk. Mars for the Marsupials!” L.B.

Maybe they're just parasites
We are continually being lectured that microplastic particles are everywhere and they could, might, just maybe wipe out all life on The Planet by acting as a vehicle which will let all sorts of oooh-nasty bugs and things invade the human and other bodies.
    This totally ignores the state of affairs before plastics were invented. The world is awash with microparticles of dust. Little bits from rocks, from plants, from insects, from bones, from the animals which made the bones, from artefacts created by insects and animals, bits of hair, bits of hide, etc., etc.
    All of the bits can provide vehicles for enterprising bacteria, viruses and bad bugs of all descriptions. Plastics might be organic but so are the bits from plants, animals and insects. Which means that throwing a wobbly about microplastics won't save The World.
    But hey! Saving The Planet is the last thing on the minds of most wobblers. They're interested only in having taxpayers' cash tossed in their direction.

bullet Want to show off your home to the hacker community? Buy some Chinese-made home security cameras from Amazon.

bullet The nation's banks have a target of making cash Xtinct by 2028.

bullet The boss of the BBC has confessed that the corporation's rules make it impossible for a non-white employee to be convicted of rachel bias or be required to be impartial.

reader comment“If your only claim to fame is a story about PM Boris gropegating your leg 20 years ago, then you need to shut up, push off and get a life.” A.F.

Clarke's Fourth Law strikes again
It had to happen. For ages, we've been told that eating red meat and bacon is like playing Russian roulette and you're lucky to survive the meal. Now, the Xperts have decided that doing it 4x a week WON'T give you diabetes and cancer and a heart attack and a stroke; all in the next 10 minutes.

CFL logo Even more Super Saturday: Bear Woods looks like a forest with that hair and a tackle by him held the visiting Roughriders to a FG from their opener in Toronto. Walker went 42 yards to the SK 8, just a FG for the Argos, 3-all after 10 minutes. Lotz of D in to Q2. Moore got the first major for the Riders after 9 minutes, 10-3. A FG put the visitors 13-3 ahead and they stopped the Argos with a pick at 00.
    Evans squeaked a TD in the 5th minute of Q3, 20-3. Fajardo rushed for one in the 11th minute, 27-3. A long FG try missed in the last minute. Finally, an Argo TD for S.J. Green in the 6th minute, 27-10. Boom! At long last, Arceneaux got a TD as a Rider from a 55-yard pass, 34-10, 6 minutes to go.
    The first play of a drive by the Argos ended in a pick to their 12. TD for Bennett, the back-up QB, on the next play, 41-10. Green reached the SK 1 on a 3rd & 14 from the SK 20, TD for Franklin, no +2, 41-16. 1:51 left. The Argos fielded a short kick off, Franklin was sacked for the 6th time and it was all defence to the end. Oh, dear, the Argos are really struggling.

bullet Today's Proverb: No one squeals louder than a Labour MP confronted with his/her/its bad behaviour.

reader comment“That Greenhouse Greta—she's not the messiah.” M. Python
bulletQ: If Greenhouse Greta runs off to Syria to join Daesh, will that make this bunch of Islamist terrorists socially acceptable?

cross symbol Being able to type at 85 wpm with your thumbs on a phone is rather a wasted talent, given the quality of most of what is typed.

bulletQ: Is D. Milipede of the copycat International Rescue an ocean-going hippocrite?
bulletA: The answer to that is so obviously 'yes' that the question need not be asked. See also N. Clegg.

Forget all that crap from the Warmists
tick symbol The Xperts reckon that living near the sea prevents people from getting depressed. Which means that rising sea levels, which bring the sea closer to more people, are a GOOD THING!

CFL logo Super Saturday #3: The Alouettes in Vancouver; no Adams coz he's been a bad boy. Bowman sacked BC 2 & out. Shiltz got the Als to the red zone, FG, 3-0. A pick by Bowman stopped BC in FG range but Shiltz fumbled when sacked, the Lions grabbed the ball and went on to a FG. 3-all in the 10th minute.
    Lotz more D in to Q2. Sack 101 for Willis on Shiltz, Bowman again on Reilly. What have the Lions got for 2nd & 29? Not much. BC kicked a FG with 50 seconds left, sent the Als packing and kicked another FG to close the half at 3-9.
    The Als started Q3 at their 13 but a wide open Lewis took a 97-yard TD pass! 10-9 in the first minute. 3rd & 38? BC punted. Shiltz to the BC 1, Pipkin on for a TD, 17-9. BC got moving, reached the MTL 18 on DPI, TD for Burnham, no +2, 17-15. Durant went 61 yards to the MTL 14 after defender Jones crashed in to an official!, White in for a TD in Q4, 17-22.
    A pick by Edwards stopped the Als. Holding restricted BC to a FG, 17-25 after 4 minutes. Two runs by Shiltz got the Als from the BC 28 to the 7, and Shiltz had a walk-in TD. No +2, 23-25, 6 minutes to go. Carter got gobby; minus 10 yards. A 50 yard BC FG try was blocked! 2 minutes left. Willis drew a roughing flag, Stanback from the BC 51 to the 11, MTL on to the 2 and out on downs there!! 1 minute left. A flag for DPI gave the Lions a first down and the win. Phew! Some leads are safe!

Xtreminate! Xtreminate!
cross symbol Sad kids telling strangers how miserable their life is on the interweb attract trolls, the Xperts reckon. Well, who'd a thunk that would happen!

bulletQ: What will the next major mis-selling scandal be about?
bulletA: Guaranteed seats on an ark for when gorbal warming drowns The Planet.
reader comment“A premium for not having the seat next to Greta?” R.W.

Brexit-induced psychosisIs this the face of Brexit-induced psychosis?
Is there any hope for Dominic Grieve? It is looking less and less likely with each passing day.

  BREXIT    31st OCTOBER  

Attention companies importing goods from EU nations:
You might find it cheaper to use goods made in this country or other countries abroad. And you might find there's a lot less hassle when you deal with countries which are not our enemies.

They're up to something, but what?
What is the agenda behind the Boris's Blonde News-of-the-World saga in the meeja? Taking our minds off Brexit? Proving that Boris was a more interesting Mayor of London than Sadgeek, the current incumbent? Or proving Boris is a whole lot more interesting that Wolfie Corbynski?
    [answers on a PC to the usual address. Ed.]

reader comment“Has it ever occurred to the climate change fanatics to ask everyone else if they're happy to have things a bit warmer so that crops and flowers will flourish? The evidence says not. Fanatics impose, not consult.” D.A.
reader comment“And no one will be surprised to see Warmists going to the annual Daesh dinner & dance—and vice versa.” T.W.

legal zombieBrain turned to mush?
Labour's Bremoaner in chief thinks the vote should be given to 16-year-old Gretas—presumably because he assumes that only they would be gullible enuff to vote Labour.
    In a properly run world, that would be grounds for parking him on an otherwise deserted island until he comes to his senses. The fact that he is still at liberty tells us all we need to know about how the world is being run.

reader comment“Lord Grade, the former boss, needn't worry about the BBC losing its 'precious reputation for impartiality'. It went ages ago, and the present bunch of waxworks have no hope of regaining it. No problem, nothing to worry about, your Gradeship, kindly move along in an orderly fashion.” J.H.

bulletQ: What do you get if your try to use a photocopy of your ID card to draw cash from your account at a village post office in France?
bulletA: Busted as a terrorist because you are not using a proper means of identification.

Flying high
PM Boris has come up with a proper job for O.J. Corbynski—Britain's first ambassodor in near-Earth orbit. He will be launched from one of Britain's new spaceports as soon of one of them commences operations.

reader comment“The Libertines might have overtaken Labour in the opinion polls but they still have their major problem—that decade of deceit in recent memory.” R.W.

Confected disaster
The Milky Way galaxy, where we live, and the bigger Andromeda galaxy are due to meet and merge in about 4 billion years from now. Nothing dramatic will happen, given the vast distances between stars, but some catastrophists couldn't resist making up a silly story about the Sun being cannoned out into intergalactic space, wiping out all life on Earth some billion years before The Planet is due to be swallowed by the Sun when it moves in to red giant mode.
reader comment“No doubt all this will happen well before Brexit has been delivered.” A. Cynic

Nose, face, spite
The waxworks @ the Royal Shakespeare Company have discarded sponsorship from BP on spurious climate emergency grounds @ the behest of Snoflakes, who were threatening to withdraw their patronage.
    As a direct result, the Snoflakes will no longer be able to afford tickets for RSC shows because they will be no longer massively subsidized by BP.

cross symbol Xperts in China reckon men should give up drinking alcohol for 6 months if they want to make a success of becoming a father and women should be TT for a year before trying to achieve motherhood.
reader comment“Does this mean a drunken shag can now be enjoyed without the risk of an unwanted pregnancy?” C.B.

  BREXIT    31st OCTOBER  

Gorbal warming will put an end to wine production in most of Italy, France and Spain but the good news is that most of England will acquire a climate which will allow domestic production of great vintages. Now is the time to invest in British viticulture!
    Sadly, Scotland will be excluded from this bonanza but that won't prevent the Gnats from pretending they have an important wine industry, which needs massive subsidies from English taxpayers.

reader comment“It has to be illegal; the Supreme Court inventing an excuse to confect illegality.” C.J.
reader comment“If the members of the highest court in the land are not subject to the rule of law, why should anyone else be?” L.T. & B.D.

shifty-eyed skullSpot the difference between:
a) "We're going to save The Planet by breeding the world's tallest giraffe."
   "How will that work?"
"Trade secret, mate."
    and . . .
b) The UK's climate emergency antics.

  BREXIT    31st OCTOBER  

Travelling to an the EbloodyU country? Nothing will change. You will still be treated as a 2nd class citizen at the border, coming and going.

Official—ecoterrorism is okay
Blocking traffic, cluttering up airports, assaulting public buildings . . . how long is it going to take Daesh to realize that if it sends out suicide bombers wearing Xtinction T-shirts, the police will ignore them until it is too late?

bullet Sober October, Noboozevember followed by December Bender? Fair's fair.
Hot damn!
Looks like small fire extinguishers are going to be all the rage if the fashion for setting your hair on fire during a booze up takes off in the December Bender season.

supreme court spiderreader comment“The women who are up in arms over having to endure retirement age equality with men have nothing to worry about. When their case arrives in the Supreme Court, Doris the Spider will bend the law in their direction.” A.G.

reader comment“That little girl who didn't get having to costume up in Game of Thrones clearly doesn't get what acting is all about. No danger of her having to shut up until she's learnt her trade, though.” C.S.
[Moaning Maisie, Ed.]

More greenwash—or should that be virtuewash?
There isn't that much 'green' about plastic bottles which have a carbon footprint a couple of miles wide because they're made from heavily processed scrap. Not that you'll hear anything different from the ecofascists.

cross symbol Students, it seems cannot resist one form of bad behaviour or another. The current generation seems to have abandoned binge drinking in favour of sexual assaults and harassment, a survey by the BBC has discovered.

bulletQ: What do you get if you use your Tesla phone crApp to summon your electric car in driverless mode?
bulletA: A chance to film your car crashing into something.

The death of values and decency
zombie police helmetbulletQ: Which would we rather have, an institutionally corrupt Police of the Metropolis, which does actually put some serious criminals behind bars or an institutionally stoopid Met, which believes criminals and persecutes the innocent?
bulletA: We have the latter and the opinions of everyone outside the police bubble are ignored, despite all the money spent on that report by Judge Henriques.
reader comment“That report which was written in 2016 but which is only now starting to appear with the redactions removed and the guilty exposed.” R.W.
reader comment“Millions blown by the police on fantasies, another huge chunk of cash blown on getting a judge to detail what the police did wrong and nothing will change 'coz bad people and stoopid burrocrats are never held to account here.” K.O.
reader comment“Including Corbynski's No. 2 commietsar, the appalling and totally shameless Watson.” E.M.
reader comment“And those BBC journalists who did all Nick's research.” A.L.
reader comment“Judgespeak decoded: highly implausible = a buncha crap.” V.S.
reader comment“Three years to uncover what Judge Henriques wrote? The amazing thing is that it ever saw the light of day uncensored. But the guilty parties are still in their jobs or drawing their pensions without being held to account. That comes as no surprise.” H.H.

Action at a distance
The red sky in the morning [Shepherd's warning, Ed.] was yesterday [Saturday, Ed.] but we got the rain today [Sunday, Ed.]. Spit the bones out of that! [Phtui! Ed.]

Red Sky In Romiley, 20191006

CFL logo Friday Nite Football: the Eskimos in Hamilton, where the Tigercats started with a TD for Speedy B, +2, 0-8. The Esks stalled at the TC 8, FG, 3-8. A TC drive in to Q2 produced a FG, 3-11. A daft pass by Kilgore was picked off but the Cats got nothing from it. Their next drive produced a TD for Acklin, +2, 3-19 with 7 minutes left until half time.
    The Esks kicked a FG 6 minutes in to Q3, 6-19. A sack by the Esks saved the Cats from having to come up with a 2nd & 24 play. They kicked a FG after 11 minutes and closed the quarter with another at 6-25.
    Finally, a TD for the Eskimos 3 minutes in to Q4, no +2, 12-25. Another TD for the Cats, no +2, 12-31. A 1st down sack by the Cats was followed by a defensive TD from a tipped pass on 2nd down; another daft pass by Kilgore; +2, 12-39. How bad would it get for Edmonton fans? 12-42 and the Cats, with 12 wins, have to be Grey Cup favourites.

bullet The divorce rate in Britain is dropping—mainly because people are not getting married any more.

Good idea
The Chinese government has banned protesters in Hong Kong from wearing face masks. Sounds like something which should be applied world-wide. Masked individuals are up to no good, and they know it, and they are abusing the 'uman bluddy rights of the people who have to pay for policing them. Thus they should be fair game for police snipers on terrorism grounds.

  BREXIT    31st OCTOBER  

8 BILLION POUNDS wasted since March by the Zombie Wrecktits. Something not to be forgotten or forgiven.
reader comment“There are obviously evil people doing bad things because they know no better, and then there are the self-righteous bastards who end up doing exactly the same.” T.S.

CFL logo It's another Super Saturday and the Stampeders were in Montreal. Adams, having served his sentence, took his team to the red zone, and went in from a yard out, 0-7. Arbuckle had to make a 3rd down, then he had a TD pass dropped in goal! Jackson held on to the ball, 7-all in the 13th minute. The CS closed Q1 with a 68-yard pass play to the MTL 4, but were held to a FG in Q2, 10-7.
    The Stamps missed a FG try 5 minutes in to Q2 but Mitchell fired a TD pass to goal in the 10th minute, 17-7. He was intercepted with 1:50 to go and the Als got a FG from it, 17-10, 54 seconds left. The Stamps fumbled the ball away but the Als failed to do anything with the turnover.
    The Stamps were sent 2 & out to start Q3 and their punt was returned for a TD by Alford! 17-all. The Stamps fumbled the ball away in the MTL red zone; no damage. Another fumble recovery by the Als, 2 & gone again. Defences were doing a grand job! The Als closed Q3 with a punt for a rouge, 17-18.
    More defence in Q4. When the Als got motoring, they blew up on a 3rd &1 at the CS 17 with 4 minutes to go. Bowman felled Mitchell for his 134th career sack. The Als kicked a FG for 17-21 with 2:14 left. The Stamps were sent out on downs with 46 seconds left and the Als hung on for a win which puts them in the playoffs.

cross symbol Basher Binder was certainly living up to his name in the Moto3 race in Thailand. He shunted Cannet off the track and ended his championship hopes, and also took out the British rider McPhee.
tick symbol Congrats to Marc Marquez for squeaking a win in Thailand at the very end of the closely contested MotoGP race. He now has a points lead which assures another championship.


   Ginger Baker, the best drummer in the world, 80.

Not so much an acre as a massacre
CFL logoThe Toronto Argonauts were in Vancouver to close another Super Saturday. The Lions opened the scoring with a FG. A pick by Lee was taken to a TD for Burnham, 0-10 in the 9th minute. The Argos promptly fumbled the ball away. On to a spectacular TD catch for Burnham in goal, BC 0-17 up.
    The Lions kicked a FG 3 minutes in to Q2, 0-20. Another big pass to Burnham set up a TD, 0-27. A fumble recovery in the 13th minute led to another BC TD, 0-34. A catch in goal by Johnson after 8 minutes pushed the lead to 0-41. Another brilliant catch by Burnham in goal with 2 minutes left in Q3, 0-48. It was Carter's turn for a TD catch, 0-55. Finally, a TD for Edwards for the Argos with 6 seconds left in the match, +2, 8-55 final.
    The Argos have swapped destinies with the Alouettes this season!

cross symbol Real whisky drinkers have given a thumbs down to whisky cocktail capsules, which contain 25 ml of spirit in a soluble capsule flavoured with citrus, wood (??) or spice. A mouthful even of malt whisky just isn't the same as whisky in a glass, where it can be appreciated properly.

tick symbol Scotland has to have a Large Whale Disentanglement Team, which responds to emergency calls from fishermen when they find a whale caught up in their fishing gear. Humpbacks are particularly good at getting themselves stuck.

The Packers were in Dallas on NFL Sunday. They had to punt away their initial possession but a pick by Alexander got them to the DC red zone and it was 7-0 after an 18-yard TD run by Jones. 6 minutes gone. A big pass play got the Cowboys to FG range; a sack took them out of it. Jones took GB to the red zone, another TD from 3 yards out, 14-0 at the end of the first quarter.
    GB did nothing with another pick. They kicked a FG after being stopped at the DC 1 for 17-0 with 2:19 to go until half time. A FG try by Dallas missed. Jones scored another TD for GB in the 6th minute of Q3, 24-0. The Cowboys looked threatening but they were sacked to a FG after 9 minutes, 24-3. The Pack reached the DC 1, another TD for Jones, 31-3 in the 12th minute.
    More or less by accident, a TD for Gallup after 13 minutes, 31-10. GB went 3 & out. The Dallas coach was done for throwing a challenge flag in an unsporting manner! The Cowboys made their 1st & 25 easily and drove in to Q4. A false start saved them from fumbling the ball away! But they were picked in the GB goal on the next play—but flags everywhere on GB. TD for Dallas, 31-17.
    The Pack were sacked to a punt but picked off the first DC play and got a FG out of it, 34-17. Bang! Cooper through Swiss cheese for a TD after 7 minutes, 34-24. GB ate clock and were sacked to a punt. They suffered a totally bogus roughing the passer call with 2 minutes left. The Cowboys reached the GB 15, a FG try went through but they'd false started. The re-kick missed wide right!! 1:41 left for the Packers to eat and win.

reader comment“Apparently, John Keats was worried that he could croak before he'd 'glean'd his teeming brain'. Can't think why. I know it will happen to me, then's nothing I can do about it and I don't let it bother me.” H.T.S.

He are not amused
Retired Judge Henriques has taken an extended pop at the cover-up merchants who buried for three years, his findings on the misconduct of the officers who promoted the Carl 'Nick' Beech Top People paedophile ring fantasies.
bulletQ: Now that the truth has come out, will anyone be sacked?
bulletA: Of course, not! That's not the way the Establishment shirks responsibility.

bulletQ: What is 'oaf hook' territory?
bulletA: I can't believe you just said that!

The ignorant in pursuit of the fantastical (with apologies to O. Wilde)
Far Queue symbol "It's highly likely that most of The Planet will be uninhabitable by the end of the century." The BBC thought this quote from a teenage climate pest worth putting on its news channel.
    Well, if people like her go Xtinct, that can only be good for The Planet. Especially if it means that anyone left in London can drive around unhindered by yobs and slag.

 WEEK 2 

Xtinction loutIs it really worth wrecking our lifestyle and The Planet for zombie-wannabe kids like this?

bulletQ: Is it possible to get through the thick skulls of the Xtinction brats that if all life on the British Isles were to be wiped out with neutron bombs and the place rendered uninhabitable with radioactive 'dirty' bombs to keep migrants out, then the end to carbon dioxide producing life forms and their activities here would have ZERO effect on The Planet's climate?
bulletA: Nope.
reader commentQ: Do they know they should be protesting in China and India?
A: Nope.” R.W.
reader comment“What else do you expect from the products of unskilled labour?” E.G.

Protecting the Corruption Culture
President Trump's tactic of inviting foreign governments to report on the misdeeds in their country of Democrap politicians and their relatives now has Repubelicans with something to hide going in to smoke screen mode.
    Leading them is Mitt 'The Git' Romney, current junior US senator and former presidential hopeful. What does he have to hide?
reader comment“I think you mean, Q: What does he have to hide? A: How long have you got?” R.W.

bulletQ: Is it news, or even mildly interesting, that a lady who used to eat lots of cake as a judge on a cookery programme got fat?
bulletA: Nope.

The VerdictJust bloody typical . . .
. . . that the Daily Mail's proof reader chooses to skive off on the day his paper managed to get the 'ell out.

bulletQ: Quis custodiet?
bulletA: As far as the police are concerned, nobody.

cross symbol Denmark is being driven toward a bacon Xtinction crisis as the relentless propaganda of demented veganists slashes sales of Danish trademark products.

cross symbol Last week's Big Dealers have been cut down to size again. This week, the Libertines are behind Labour in the opinion polls. Pan flashed.

reader comment“If the EbloodyU refuses to make a deal with Britain on Brexit, it is only right that our PM should return the compliment by slapping a veto on its next 7-year budget and appointing Nigel Farage as our UK Commissioner for Sabotage.” L.P.
reader comment“Full marks to whoever came up with the analogy of shooting a nuke at a rogue asteroid for the scenario above.” R.W.
reader comment“At least Farage can be trusted not to be a Mandelsleaze.” J.H.

CFL logo More Super Saturday: the Blue Bombers in Regina. The Roughriders opened the scoring in Q1 with a FG. They added another FG and, in Q2, claimed a pair of rouges from a punts, 0-8. Fajardo spent a lot of time on his back being sacked in Q2. The Bombers managed a FG in the last minute of the half, 3-8.
    Another FG for the Riders half-way through Q3, 3-11. The Bombers looked like scoring, until Streveler was mugged and coughed up the ball. Nothing from it and Fajardo ate more turf. Gainey picked Streveler in his goal with a minute to go. Another FG for Medlock in the 2nd minute of Q4, 6-11. Lauther kicked one for the home team in the 7th minute, 6-14.
   A pick by McCray at the SK 1 of a deep pass in the 10th minute ended another promising BB drive. A TD for Evans in the 13th minute put the lights out for the Bombers. 6-21 final. It's official—the Riders are the Best in the West.

Zombie harpie Virtue flag sags
Billionaire Bill Gates has announced that he intends to end world hunger in 20 years—by 2040. Has no one told him that the New York wack job and Democrap harpie quartet member A. Ocasio-Cortez of the US Congress knows [but hasn't told anyone how she knows, Ed.] that the world will end in 12 years from now. That's at the end of 2031.
    Which means that poor old Bill is wasting his time. Shame.

reader comment“Switched on the BBC news at lunchtime yesterday to see some air-head teenager telling me that most of the planet will be uninhabitable by the end of the century and that's why she and her fellow idiots were running riot in London. If the police and the courts accept that as an excuse, then we really are in the hands of total idiots.” K.D.

Far Queue symbol Angular Mherkel grots on hope of a Brexit deal with the EbloodyU, making No Deal the outcome on the cards—but we were always heading in that direction as it is clear that the EbloodyU never had any intention of dealing honestly and fairly with the UK for impure financial reasons.
reader comment“Britain could declare war on the EbloodyU as an escape route, using as justification, the EbloodyU's attempts to delay Brexit, which amount to hostile interference in our domestic affairs.” I.E.

bullet The old 'refuse to deny' ploy to make yourself interesting? Yes, we're all familiar with that tactic, which is currently being worked by the meeja and Boris' Blonde.
reader comment“Quite the opposite of John Elton's 'I was a total monster but an interesting one' saga to promote his book.” M.P.

reader comment“James Bond to use eco-friendly wooden bullets from a sustainable source in the next epic to avoid contaminating The Planet with bits of lead and copper?” R.W.

zombie humbugEverybloodything is busted
Parliament don't work, the police system don't work, the court system don't work, the railways don't work, local government don't work . . . maybe it would be quicker to list the things that do work.
    Well, there's BFN and . . . that's about it.

zombie police helmetAnything does go
The wife of a US diplomat killed a British citizen here (allegedly) in a motoring incident 6 weeks ago. She is now back in the US and no one in the government of either nation seems at all bothered. That's moral turpitude on steroids.
    But hey, if the top brass @ Scotland Yard, and paedophile Nick's appalling ally, T. Watson, are allowed to get away with serial perversion of the course of justice, why should we expect anything different?

reader comment“Berko has been described as a one-man ill-mannered rabble. Which makes everybody bloody glad he's not one of twins or even triplets!” D.T.

tick symbol China's answer to the pork crisis caused by its pandemic of swine flu is to breed 80-stone monsters, which are four times the size of a standard porker.

What a Wang of Gankers!
zombie humbug The zombie parliament has so little to do now that its latest wheeze is to waste taxpayers' money on a head count of people who claim they're not the same sex as their DNA says they are, or sexless.

reader comment“What we need is for the government to amend the Mental Health Act to make climate hysteria a sectionable condition so that ecoyobs can be locked up somewhere remote—with no mobile phone service—until they recover their senses or choose to stop playing silly buggers.” G.S.

Far Queue symbol A Welsh MP is trying to start shock-horror panic buying of toilet rolls. Does someone have shares in a firm that makes boggo rollos? Or is it just routine political mischief-making and 'look at me'? Probably the latter.

bulletQ: What do you get if you go on a 'magical fjords cruise' on a Norwegian Cruise Line vessel?
bulletA: A look at Glasgow from a distance, a trip to Belfast and a glimpse of the fjords only if you packed a telescope.

Brain in neutral
reader comment“The daftest argument against omnisex toilets—predictably from a luvvie—is that a woman in a onesie would have to strip naked in front of a gang of horrified blokes to wee into a urinal. Dottiness of that calibre deserves some sort of an award!” C.M.X.

Bring it on!
We have the interesting prospect in view of a major punch-up between the Xtinction zombies and the Pillocks' Vote campaigners for demonstration room on London's streets. No doubt the Metropolitan police will be washing their hair on that day!

reader comment“Is it fair that the people who win mega-millions lottery jackpots are always of the well-lunched variety? Could the government not do something to ensure that people of more modest bulk get a look in occasionally?” S.N.

Computer croaks, everyone croaks
Autopilots in aircraft have created a generation of pilots who have so little experience of flying manually that they have little or no confidence in their ability to do it. As a result, when they have to take over the controls, they crash the aircraft and everyone aboard is killed.

Wide mesh net
Britain's biggest ever detected smuggling ring has been busted up. Apparently, the National Crime Agency spent 18 months watching the gang importing 50 tons of cocaine, heroin and cannabis into the UK, and most of it ended up on our streets as only about 1% of the drugs was recovered when the bust went down. Which means that some lucky lawyers are going to get incredibly rich when the case goes to trial.

Unexpected item in cable area
cross symbol Recent news from Italy tells us that using a ski lift there can be extremely hazardous as some bozo in a light plane could crash in to your cabin, or get tangled in the cables, bringing the system to a standstill and leaving you stuck up in the air for hours and hours and hours.

Give it a rest
The Mee!Mee!Mee! culture has left us wondering if there is anything left that someone moderately notorious can do without someone else parking their bandwagon next to it and sounding off about their cause. Whatever happened to respecting other people's right to privacy?
reader comment“Trampled to death by the 'uman bluddy right to sound off about absolutely everything, no matter how uninformed and irrelevant the comments are. Every bugger is now an Xpert on absolutely everything and/or a militant causist.” U.F.

bulletQ: What do you have to do to pull off a stick-up @ McDonuts?
bulletA: Buy a burglar or some other cheap item so that the staff member with a gun in his/her face can record a sale and open their till.

Like that could ever happen
Turkey is threatening to dump 3.6 million refugees and migrants on the EbloodyU if the Eurocrats don't stop calling Turkey's invasion of northern Syria an invasion.
    If the Eurocraps weren't a bunch of lily-livered, vindictive wibblers, their response would be to close all land borders with Turkey, and all embassies and consulates, and tell Pres. Erdogan: "You were saying . . ?"

bulletQ: What is the latest excuse for being a criminal?
bulletA: "My client has mental issues, which are not serious enough to warrant locking the bugger up in a secure mental hospital. He didn't need the stuff he stole; it was just a cry for help. But not a very loud one.. So please let him off."
reader comment“I can think of quite a few dotty old judges who would fall for that one.” A.E.

All recorded out now
The Warmists have created so many 'record' temperatures for this year that they are going to have to struggle mightily to set any more in years to come. Not that the swindlers will develop a case of honesty anytime soon.
reader comment“Look out for an increase in spurious decimal increases—the odd 0.01%—of the sort which lie well within measurement error limits, but which offer scope for lies and part-truths to be told to non-scientists who are not used to dealing with experimental error limits.” S.C.

bulletQ: What do farmers in Mexico do when their mayor makes promises but fails to deliver on them?
bulletA: Tie him to a truck and drag him about a bit.
reader comment“Sounds like something that ought to be made mandatory here without delay!” R.W.
reader comment“Sounds like something that should happen to the incompetent top cops @ the Met and their whitewashers. And their allies in the BBC. And the appalling T. Watson.” M.H.

Hands-off culture
The Handshake Police have decided that mano a mano contacts of more than three seconds constitute an assault and are grounds for arrest and/or civil legal action.

The Xtinction zombies have given their game away. They don't give a rat's ass about The Planet. All they are after is an excuse to behave badly and get away with it.
    How do we know? Because they staged a blockade on the BBC, the nation's biggest purveyor of climate change myths, and accused the Beeb of not doing anything to spread panic about gorbal warming and the end of life as we know it.

Makes you glad to be Britisch
Security @ London City Airport is so good that a half-blind dope-fiend climate zombie can clamber on to an airliner and glue himself to it.

bulletQ: Is it sensible to hold a major sporting event in Japan during their hurricane season?
bulletA: No, but money trumps good sense every day of the week and twice on Saturday and Sunday.

tick symbol Sales of zombie make-up to Xtinctionist pests are helping to keep the British nation dodging a recession.

  BREXIT    31st OCTOBER  

When it comes to buying stuff, our policy remains "Not from you, EbloodyU!"

reader comment“Corbynski's election pitch to the Great Britisch Public with its nation-bankrupting £1,400,000 MILLION spending promises was clearly put together by someone who paid as little attention to economic realities as they did to maths classes in school” D.R.
reader comment“If Labour does get in after the next election, you can be sure that the 'other people's money' which O.J. is planning to spend will run out well before the 5 years of a parliament. Mainly because most of it will vanish abroad within 10 minutes of the election result being announced.” R.W.

bulletQ: What happens when someone dares to mention the rachel abuse dished out by Bulgarian football fans?
bulletA: The Bulgarian government threatens to use KGB tactics against anyone who dares to notice it.
reader comment“Remember Georgi Markov.” J.B.

A job for the Dept. of Rural Affairs?
dogging? The government is worried that lorry drivers caught in 3-day Brexit traffic jams on the way to ports will pass the time by indulging in extended dogging sessions.
    The concern is not so much that the drivers might enjoy their outdoor sexual put-it-intercourse, rather that the government sees no obvious way of either interfering with the practice or recording pointless frequency statistics.
    Curiously, dedicated dogging is not seen as a problem where foreign lorry drivers are concerned, which reduces the magnitude of the imaginary problem considerably.
reader comment“No doubt some genius on the relevant local councils will grab at an opportunity to waste ratepayers' cash on sending out teams of council workers armed with free condoms for the doggers.” S.G.
reader comment“Maybe the government will appoint temporary/permanent dogging wardens to hand out on-the-spot fines to doggers doing it without a licence.” R.W.

tick symbol The national o'besity crisis is doing its bit to solve the care of the elderly crisis by lopping 3 years off the life span of fatties, reducing the demand for care home places.

cross symbol Alleged scientists who are furthering the Warmist cause are lobbying for a dedicated crying room near their work space, where they can weep over climate change and the fate of The Planet without having sensible people laughing at them.

CFL logo Friday Nite Football #1: Arndt made his first start for the Redblacks in Toronto; they went to a FG and 3-0. The Argos lost the ball to a fumble but sent the RBs 2 & punt. S.J. Green got the Argos back to the red zone, FG, 3-all after 13 minutes. DPI kept an RB drive going but a pick by the Argos was the final play of Q1.
    Lots of defence in Q2. DPI got the TA to the RB 1, 3 goes to a TD for Franklin, 3-10. S.J. Green reached 10,000 career receiving yards. A TD for Edwards 9 seconds before half-time, 3-17. A short kick off to start Q3 gave the RBs the ball! They went on to a TD for Harris in the 4th minute, 10-17. Bethel-Thompson fired another huge pass. Green to the RB 10, a TD for Edwards after 7 minutes, 10-24.
    An RB fake FG failed as a pass play but they got the first down via a penalty on the Argos, who picked Arndt on the next play! That gave the home team a FG, 10-27. The Argos reached the RB 10 in Q4, only for B-T to be picked in goal. A rouge from a missed RB FG made it 11-27 with 6 minutes left.
    The Argos got a rouge from a punt with 4 minutes left, 11-28. Rhymes scored a TD in the 13th minute, 18-27. Another short kick gave the ball to the RBs, on to a FG, 21-28 with 1:45 to go. The Argos ate clock, the RBs ended up with 9 seconds to draw and their first play was intercepted. The End.

cross symbol The bloke who ran amuk with a machete in Manchester's Arndale Centre on Friday was a random nutter, not a terrorist. Which makes it okay?

reader comment“One way to stop school gates from being a breeding ground for MMR myths would be to abolish school gates.” D.B.

CFL logo Meanwhile, it was 8-13 when we got to Calgary. The Roughriders were on a visit and 11 minutes had gone. Both TDs came from the defences. Another fumble recovered by the Riders was cancelled on review. In Q2, the Riders made a fake punt play work in the 8th minute, on to the red zone, Fajardo to the 5, half the distance against the Stamps, TD for Powell, 15-13.
    The Stamps reached the SK 9, TD for Mayala, 15-20. The Riders were stopped by a pick. Their next drive got +25 yards for an assault on Fajardo and they went on to a FG, 18-20 at half time. Lots of defence in Q3.
    Mayala scored another TD in the 10th minute, 18-27. A FG try by the Stamps in the last minute of the quarter hit the post. The Riders kicked a FG in the 7th minute of Q4 for 21-27. The Stamps kicked one in the 11th minute to stay two scores ahead at 21-30. Powell took a 34-yard TD pass with 2:19 to go, 28-30. The Stamps then ate the clock to win a tie-breaker over the Riders.

  BREXIT    31st OCTOBER  

"Do you want some cheese with that whine?" is not said nearly often enough to Bremoaners.
bullet The police are worried that Brexit will leave them unable to execute Europeon Arrest Warrants on foreign criminals. But if they can't arrest British burglars, why would anyone think they can do it to French burglars?

bullet Walking slowly, the Xperts have decided, shrinks the human brain and increases the rate of ageing.

tick symbol Sending British-born jihadis from the Middle East to the United States to face the death penalty at their trial sounds a much better idea than putting them on in gaol here for a couple of years then letting them out on spurious 'uman bluddy rights grounds.

zombiesreader comment“ A lot of Xtinctionists appear to be veganists as well, indicating that veganism fails to satisfy the appetite for outrage of severely disturbed individuals.” M.M.D.
reader comment“Maybe the Xtinctionists think the BBC is silent on the impending world-wide wipe-out event because they are too busy playing video games on their phones to watch TV.” L.L.

bulletQ: How many bees are needed to count up to one million?
bulletA: 200,000 of the ones the Xperts reckon can count up to 5.

cross symbol Cinema-goers are moaning that being told lies about the start time of a feature film makes them waste half an hour watching adverts & trailers. But they could always take along a torch and a good book, or mess about with their phone. You don't have to sit there like a lump and just take it, folks.

Wheels good, legs bad?
Despite the hurricane which has wiped out the rugby world cup, the Japanese Grand Prix went off okay with a Ferrari front row on the grid and ended with Vettel in a Mercedes sandwich.

zombie humbug
  BREXIT    31st OCTOBER  

Monday, 14th October, shudda bin a general election day to put an end to the zombie parliament.
    It wudda bin, had the Bremoaners and Confused Corbidiots and all the other Humbugs not bottled out.
    What we got instead was a slightly croaky Queen's Speech to open Zombie Parliament II – The Sequel.

CFL logo On the not-so-Super Saturday of Thanksgiving Weekend, a not so happy return to Edmonton for Mike Reilly with his BC Lions. This night was all about scraping in to the playoffs. The Eskimos opened the scoring with a short FG in the 7th minute. Reilly went off during the following BC drive; a broken left wrist.
    The Esks finished the first quarter at the BC 2, Cooper in for a TD in Q2, 0-10. Substitute BC QB O'Brien ate some turf and Kilgore, the Edmonton back-up QB, did a lot of scrambling. The Esks kicked a FG in the 14th minute, 0-13. DPI on Carter with a minute left got the Lions close, and they kicked a FG. A miracle catch by Ellingson, double covered, got the Esks to FG range, 3-16 at half time.
    Elllngson, double-covered, caught a 44-yard pass @ the BC 3 in Q3, but the Lions' defence kept the Esks out despite 3 tries! Starting at their 1, the Lions drove to a 46-yard FG at the start of Q4, 6-16. O'Brien ate more turf. Lots of defence, and Kilgore was picked off in the BC goal in the 13th minute. A pick by Glass stopped BC and Whyte kicked a FG in the last minute for a 6-19 Eskimos' win.

tick symbol Sea cucumbers, as well as insects, are going to save the world from famine and pollution by hoovering up surplus nitrogen compounds produced as waste products of agriculture. But if the only choice as the dish-of-the-day is a bug and sea cucumber burger, hurry on Xtinction, eh!

zombie burneyDoes the wee twit ever listen to herself?
Is Wee Burney Sturgeon getting treatment for a severe case of confusion? She wants Scotland to be in the EbloodyU but out of the UK and she has to know that the only way Scotland can be part of the EbloodyU, without having to go through a lengthy application process with a severe risk of rejection, is by virtue of its membership of the UK.
    She also has to know that if she were to cut off the flow of taxpayers' money from England; both directly and via EbloodyU grants paid for by English taxpayers; her country will go bankrupt in about . . . 10 minutes.
    Which means that her agitation for Scottish independence is all about her ambition to be Scotland's first president and bugger the effect on the unfortunate Scots nation. And the fact that lots of Scots are going along with her reaffirms the presence of a broad streak of masochism in their nation.
    They knew that Labour was useless at government but they still voted Labour. The last decade has shown that the Scottish Nationalists are just as inept, but the Scots still vote for them. If there is ever a Nobel Prize for sheer perversity, the Scots will win it every year!
bullet Can it be a coincidence that 76% of Scots say they have money worries, according to a survey by Citizens Advice there, with the Gnats running their country?

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

 WEEK 3 

  BREXIT    31st OCTOBER  

. . . is also Bugger Off Berko Day: the Order of the Boot for a man who never knew his role and never learnt how to shut his mouth when he had nothing useful to say.

zombie humbugreader comment“Has anyone mentioned to Harridan Harperson, who has to be getting close to a telegram from the Queen, that if she becomes the Squeaker of the House of Humbug Zombies, then she will spend her entire occupancy of the Squeaker's throne being compared unfavourably to the saintly Betty Boothroyd?” R.W.

bulletA: Cliff Richard going on an "I'm 80" tour? So much for dignity and reflection in old age.

reader comment“Has anyone bothered to calculate how much electricity a classroom full of kids/students, each armed with a laptop, wastes? Pen and paper was so much greener. But you never hear that sort of good sense from the Xtinctionists.” E.B.

Tell us something we don't know
Some comedian, we are told, thinks the internet is a terrible thing because some nasty people abuse it. Something that people have been saying about every invention since tools and the means to create fire.
   It could be argued that comedy is also a bad idea because some nasty people abuse it. Should it therefore be banned? That would certainly put a big crimp in the lifestyle of pontificating comics!
reader comment“In the same vein, isn't it amazing how often ecofascists, who want to ban all sorts of things for others, turn out to have a carbon footprint as big as all outdoors.” J.A.

Sonic attack!
Apparently, a set of adjustable ear-goggles is a must-have accessory for anyone thinking of going to a cinema these days. The current Industry Standard Ambient Noise Level for cinemas is the equivalent of someone digging up the road right next to you.

reader comment“I wonder if the current Home Sec. is aware that her first name sounds awfully like the Russian for 'come hither'?” M.R.

cross symbol Something for Wee Burney Sturgeon to bear in mind—Spain locks up its separatists with the full approval of the EbloodyU's waxworks. Something for her to consider next time she agitates for millions of pounds of English taxpayers' money to blow on an independence referendum or starts yelling Bremoaner chants.

reader comment“If the best things a TV celeb can come up with to promote her book is a claim that she was groped by an ancient monk five years ago, then it's time to sprint back to the publicity campaign's drawing board.” S.P.

tick symbol Real books are refusing to go away. Their sales are up slightly on last year whilst e-book sales have stalled at a very low level due to resistance to the clunkiness of reading devices.

Go home, you old sprout!
What's the aunt of the King of Belgium doing getting herself arrested @ an Xtinction hoo-haa in London? Doesn't she have a country of her own where she can make a nuisance of herself?
reader comment“You have to wonder about the agenda of the people who are paying for all the banners and fancy dress. They have to think they can make a lot of cash out of whatever it is the mindless kids and dotty oldies are agitating over.” C.X.
reader comment“Talking about mindless, there was a picture on the TV the other day of a bloke lying on the ground, clutching a photo of what was claimed to be his kids, and weeping over their lack of a future! Someone like that should have been scooped up and sectioned under the Mental Health Act without delay for his own safety and the safety of the kids.” H.N.

Don't want to kno’
The honcho of the Can't Prosecute Service wants to massage his statistics by getting more police customers declared mentally incompetent so that the CPS doesn't have to bother with them.
reader comment“As the CPS is causing trials to collapse at an increasing rate by failing to disclose significant evidence to the defence, new options to shuffle customers sideways would be more than welcome to them.” R.W.

cross symbol The Xperts have declared 1978 to be the worst year in the last couple of centuries. No surprise that the party in charge @ Westmonster was Labour, led by Sunny Jim "Crisis? What Crisis?" Callaghan.
[Think of Corbynski's ineptness delivered with a smile rather than a snarl. Ed.]

Monday Nite Football was the Detroit Lions in Green Bay. A flea-flicker got the Lions in scoring range with their first play. Then the wheels came off and they managed just a FG. Another huge pass play got the Lions to the GB 16, and they overcame a determined goal line stand for a TD and 10-0. A promising drive by the Packers ended in a fumble.
    The Lions kicked a FG in Q2, 13-0. Jones dropped a catch in the DL goal! More drops on the way to the red zone, too many Lions on the field gave the Pack a welcome 1st down, TD for Williams, 13-7 after 8 minutes. The Lions were sacked to a punt. A 45-yard pass to Williams got the Pack to the DL 10 in the 14th minute, FG, 13-10 at the half.
    A 48-yard FG in Q3 made the score 13-all. The Lions were sacked to a punt, which the Pack coughed up, FG from it, 16-13. Stafford ate more turf but the Lions managed a FG between sacks, 19-13. In Q4, the DL converted a pick in to a FG, 22-13. Finally, a 35-yard TD pass to Lazard, 22-20, 9 minutes left.
    GB reached the red zone after the 2 minute warning, they ate the clock, refusing the offer of an easy TD, and eventually kicked a FG for a walk-off 22-23 win accompanied by a blizzard of indignation from one of the commentators about the two bogus face mask penalties on Flowers, which had helped the Pack to their home win.
reader comment“Hey! The Packers won at Lambeau. No apology available for that, dude!” R.W.

bullet Only 40% of the nation's customers are claiming the virtue points of shunning single-use plastic items. Could do better.

I must be noticed!
Let's all do waved Jolson jazz hands for the dopey bird who tried to ban clapping and who wants to put a block on a statue of Indian icon M. Gandhi in Manchester because he was ray-cyst. No chance of her getting a proper job when she can confect outrage at other people's expense.

cross symbol Today's chant: We hate Barclays and we hate Barclays—the bank which closes its branches and won't let any remaining customers access their cash at post offices.

hollyIt's nearly here!
Rejoice, the Festering Season is about to hit Romiley. Today [17th October, Ed.], a bloke was observed being driven around to attach the fancy Xmas light units to the fancy street lights in the village.

bullet Definitions for today: Alternative Policing
Police forces in Britain are currently incapable of solving the old-fashioned crimes which affect the people who pay their wages (burglary, assault, fraud, etc.). As a result, the police have formed special teams to invent new, soft crimes involving imagined offences to pretend that they are earning their keep.

Out-of-this-world dottiness
There's a company which aims to let specially selected women give birth in near-Earth orbit by about the end of the next decade. For a suitable fee, of course.
reader comment“If you ever wondered about the validity of the expression 'more money than sense', it's still alive and thriving!” L.E.
reader comment“What's the carbon footprint of a pointless jaunt like that, and do the Xtinctionists know about it? Probably not if they're playing pointless games on their personal phones or too old to have one.” I.A.

CFL logo Saturday Nite Football—welcome to Winnipeg the day after a blizzard, you Alouettes! The Blue Bombers took their opening drive to a TD by Harris. The Als replied with a FG, 3-7. A 90-yard punt return for a TD by 89 put the Als 10-7 ahead after 10 minutes.
    In Q2, Wolitarsky put the Bombers ahead with a TD and there was a rouge from the kick off, 10-15 with 6 minutes to go. A pick in their goal by the Als in the last minute left the score unchanged at half time.
    The Als scored a TD in the 4th minute of Q2, 17-15. A big kick return set up a FG for the BB. Blocking a MTL punt gave the BB a short field; just a FG from it, 17-21. Another FG for the Bombers, 17-24.
    Two minutes in to Q4, a pick by Taylor gave the Bombers a TD, 17-31. The Als' offence seemed to be moving toward a score but Adams was picked in the BB goal with 6 minutes left. Yet another FG for the BB and a rouge from the kick off, 17-35. The Als managed a TD with 33 seconds left, and 24-35 was the final score.

Despite The Cutz . . .
There must be a hell of a lot of taxpayers' cash sloshing around in the education system if the private firms which screw up marking national exam papers can take a £1 MILLION hit from fines for incompetence without going belly-up.

Someone might be daft enough to believe it
You've been busted for groping—what can you do? Try claiming a combination of a pet-calming concoction for a cat or a dog and your own hayfever medicine made you feel like Superman and totally uninhibited.
[Groping by the Man of Steel? Never going to happen. Ed.]
reader comment“What if he's been exposed to magenta Kryptonite?” R.W.
[Okay, apart from that, Ed.]

And finally, a spot of daft Europeon news . . .
The food police raided a supermarket in Veneto to confiscate a couple of hundred tubes of "Prosecco-flavoured" Pringles. They were produced by a Dutch firm without permission to use the name of the wine. The excitable Italians see this as a case of identity theft and an Xtremely serious business.

bullet Things that sound reasonable No. 171
A broker—that's the opposite of a fixer, right?

tick symbol + + + Tube commuters win notable victory over Xtinction pests when London Transport police stand idly by + + + scumbag protester hauled off Tube train roof @ Canning Town + + + not arrested, of course + + +

zombie humbugNo virtue points available, love
reader comment“Should we applaud the latest Labour MP to quit the party over anti-Semitism in the Corbyn era? Nope. We should be asking why she's flouncing out now and why she didn't do it ages ago.” M.F.

bulletQ: Is it news that Labour and ex-Tory politicians are saying Boris's deal with the EbloodyU is worse than TheRazor May's?
bulletA: Nope. They're politicians who are out of the power trough and you can't expect worthwhile, fact-based opinions from them any more than you can expect balanced and unbiased reporting from meeja luvvies with a personal axe to grind.

Let us hope the 170 billion people who died for Brexit didn't give their lives in vain. [There's a lot of bollocks flying around about Brexit. We're just trying to top it. Ed.]

cross symbol If you were planning to take a trip on a French trains today [Friday 18th, Ed.], forget it. They're all on strike. The union responsible is playing the safety card. Translation: they want more money.

reader comment“Pornogeography—is it possible to take a degree in this? If so, where?” F.Y.P.

It's called 'entitlement'
The luvvies who have climbed aboard the Xtinction bandwagon are quite unashamed of having a carbon footprint the size of a small planet [that's each, by the way, Ed.], or of trumping the efforts of the lower order alarmists, who have been predicting the end of everything . . . well, forever.
    Nor are they bothered that if life on Earth really is dying, it's because they killed it. Their real message remains that the little people need to make sacrifices so that the luvvies can continue to lord it over them in the style to which they are accustomed.

Mucho indignationo
Manufacturers of partisan and other Italian cheeses are up in arms now that a 25% tariff on imports into the US has come in to effect. The tariff is either a consequence of the Airbus-Boeing dispute over aircraft subsidies or revenge on the EbloodyU for banning American cheeses.
    The cheese manufacturers in Italy are now hoping that the EbloodyU will protect their income by building a cheese mountain along the lines of the infamous butter mountain of the past and the wine lake of unsellable vinegar.

reader comment“If over 90% of the BBC's list of the most inspiring women in 2019 need a byline biography as the name on its own makes no impact, then 2019 has been a far from inspiring year.” C.M.

cross symbol Notice to our over-excitable meeja: This coming Saturday ain't Super as there are only two CFL matches on that day in Week 19 of the season.

tick symbol The binge has taken the lead in the health stakes. A couple of binges a week, the Xperts now reckon, do less damage than even a small amount of alcohol consumed every day. Next week, who knows?

bulletQ: What can Channel 4 possibly do to top letting the IRA do a propaganda broadcast and threaten Bombs Against Brexit?
bulletA: Maybe giving Daesh a regular slot will work.

bullet + + + Farage backs Benn Surrender Act + + + A nation aghast + + + The sky to fall in the next 10 minutes? + + +

zombie police helmetEverything that's wrong with the police in a nutshellbullet The deputy chief constabule of Cheshire has time to waste on promoting a Pronouns Day. But she is totally unable to organize a Bust A Burglar Day.

Far Queue symbol The Bremoaners' Friday attempt to strap a Pillocks' Vote to the Brexit agreement crashed & burned. Not enough Tory turncoats available, is the official explanation.

bullet Princess Mhegan Sussex is feeling cheesed off because not enough people are asking if she is okay. [Pause for being speechless. Ed.] Well, if she's not okay in her ivory tower stroke gilded cage, there's no satisfying the woman.

zombie humbugbulletQ: How did Corbynski know the Boris deal with the EbloodyU waxworks was worse (in a political opponent weasel sense) than TheRazor's deal before he received a copy of it?
bulletA1: He's psychic.
bulletA2: He's a scumbag zombie humbug.
bulletA2a: Let the people decide on the above with a Humbugs' Referendum.

tick symbol What Boris should write to the EbloodyU:
"I am commanded by law to ask for a Brexit delay. I, personally, think this is a totally daft idea and I hope that you will agree with me."

reader comment“I don't get the Bremoaners' agitation for a Pillocks' Vote. If the Pillocks didn't know what they were voting for in the 2016 EbloodyU referendum, they're just as likely to bog up another in 2020. And the next one in 2024.” N.K.
reader comment“If we have to have government by referendum, what do we need MPs for? Living it up at our expense?” A.S.

Far Queue symbol No surprise that the Bremoaners turned Super Saturday into Fizzle Day After Friday.

Fight to the death?
The people in the tea trade are facing hard times thanks to Snoflakes expressing their precious side by ditching tea in favour of going in for stuff with a cutely fancy name that's supposed to be coffee. The nation's tea drinkers are now bracing themselves for the same sort of bollocks when the tea industry starts fighting back to avoid Xtinction.

reader comment“Perhaps we could have a referendum on whether being kissed by Gazza when he's drunk, or he's slobbering with his teeth out, could possibly make anyone feel better.” G.B.L.

Far Queue symbol Oh, no! Louie Samilton has gone soft in the head and bought the daft claim that the only way to save The Planet is to stop everyone from eating meat. All those petrol fumes have rotted the poor lad's brain.

More zombie culture
It's really typical of the British courts to refuse to extradite a woman to India because she faces life in gaol if convicted of murdering an adopted boy as part of an insurance swindle. Being locked up for the rest of her natural life for taking someone else's life would breach her 'uman bluddy rights, we're told - and sod the rights of the victim, who's dead forever now and will remain so.

Those whom the Gods would destroy they first make mad
Is this a prelude to an alien invasion? With a script which demands: kill the smart ones first THEN the stoopid ones?
    The advance guard of the aliens spreads what is clearly a silly story and watches to see who buys it, knowing that they will have to deal only with the limited number of sensible people who don't fall for the silly story as a priority. How sneaky and dastardly!

Here There Be Zombies

reader comment“That's a wonderful idea—that there could be aliens parked on the far side of the Moon making maps as the early explorers of The Planet did. Only instead of 'here there be monsters', they're marking their maps with 'here there be idiots'.” R.W.
reader comment“What could the aliens be planning to do with the idiots? Use them as snacks in the alien equivalent of a transport café when they've weeded out all the smart people? Humanburger with chips and a tasty avocado sauce? Sounds positively delicious.” G.R.
reader comment“Served up with a flagon of Romulan ale made from freshly squeezed Romulans?” L.N.
reader comment“Human-in-the-hole anointed with vegan gravy made from real vegans!” J.K.

reader comment“Just a thought, but if there is no stipulation on how long the Brexit delay should be, then there's nothing stopping Boris from asking the EbloodyU for a token 10 minutes in his famous letter!” R.W.

Police officers are competing fiercely for places on new counter-drone units, which will be allowed to fire bazookas at the aerial pests. Using live ammo on the operators would be a much better idea, but hey! We don't live in a perfect world.

Sunday Nite Football: the Raiders in Green Bay. The OR slashed to scoring range on the ground; held to a FG. GB were done out of a big play by a premature whistle, but Jones took a 21-yard TD pass anyway. 3-7. The Raiders blew a challenge against their own OPI, punt. The Raiders carved through Swiss cheese into Q2, lost a TD to holding but went on to a TD for Moreau, 10-7 in the 4th minute.
    Bad penalty on GB, jersey-tugging by OR, GB to their 3, TD for Williams, 10-14 in the 12th minute. Two plays got the OR to the BG 3 @ the 2 minute warning. Carr fumbled into the end zone diving for the pylon!! Touch-back. Kumerow scored a stretch-out TD for the Pack with 12 seconds left, 10-21 at half time.
    Scantling got GB to the OR red zone from the 1st play of Q3, Allison dived for the pylon but was out of bounds at the 3, a rushing TD for Rodgers instead of his 250th TD pass, 10-28. A solid drive by the Raiders went to a TD for Waller, 17-28. Graham scored a TD the other way after 13 minutes, 17-35. The OR were stopped on a 4th & 1 in Q4. GB went 3 & punt. They stopped the Raiders with an end zone pick after 7 minutes. A 74 yard TD pass to Scantling, 17-42. The Raiders managed a consolation TD, 24-42 final.

cross symbol Could the reason why 50% of adults in Britain have no savings be that they have bought the Xtinction silly story? It certainly makes saving pointless if we're all going to be dead by 2030.

reader comment“Rather than wasting time and other people's money on trying to make Wee Burney Sturgeon the first president of Scotland, the SNP should be doing something positive about the messes that it has created of education, the NHS and transport in Scotland. And putting an end to the slave trade there would be another good idea.” A.S.

Let's get a grip
If the Spanish government can bung Catalan politicians in gaol for disagreeing with it—with the full approval of the EbloodyU—maybe it would be an idea to round up all the Bremoaners and dump them on a military firing range on Dartmoor until Brexit is accomplished.
reader comment“Dumping them over a cliff would be a much better idea. Preferably, on top of the Xtinctionist pests and the People's Pillocks.” R.H.

CFL logo It's Saturday Nite and the Redblacks were in Hamilton where the defences were in charge. The RBs opened the scoring with a FG, the Ticats replied with a TD but no +2, 3-6. Then they made a short kick off work! That set up a FG 3 minutes in to Q2 and 3-9.
    A fake punt by the RBs worked but they had to punt for real after holding. Blocking a TC punt set up a FG in the 13th minute, 6-9. Ward kicked a 56-yarder for 9-all, leaving the Cats with a minute to retake the lead, 9-12 at half time.
    Fierce defence to start Q3. A pick in goal by the RBs? No, the Cats were allowed to go on to a TD, 9-19 after 8 minutes. The RBs kicked a FG in the 13th minute and Speedy B scored a 60-yard TD in the last minute of Q3 for 12-26.
    A huge pass to Addison got the Cats to the RB 17 in Q4 but a 17-yard FG try missed for a rouge. 12-27. The next TC FG worked, and so did another in the last minute. 12-33 final and the Tigercats have won 13 matches in a season for the first time ever—with 2 weeks to go.

 WEEK 4 

Another red sky in the morning, October 22nd

Red sky in the morning

tick symbol To be considered organized, people have to do some online shopping and book their Xmas delivery slot right now; with the option to make changes to the basket nearer the Festering Season. No booking and you're nobody!

CFL logo Friday Nite Football started with the Argos in Montreal, where the Alouettes spluttered and kicked a FG. The Argos made a stand at the end of Q1 but the Als kept going into Q2 to a TD for Posey, 0-10. Both sides managed a FG for 3-13. Bethel-Thompson let himself be sacked in the last minute and a 50 yard Argo FG try was tipped and missed.
    The Argos scored a TD half-way through Q3, and another good drive produced a TD for S.J. Green after 13 minutes, 17-13. Who woke the Als up? A 45-yard TD for Johnson in Q4, 17-20. Then one for Bray, 17-27.
    The Argos battled back to a TD for Worthy, 24-27, 1:14 to go. The Als went 2 & punt. The Argos had 25 seconds to get to FG range from their 5. A FG try from the MTL 44 went . . . wide right.

cross symbol From this year on, plastic crap is to be excluded from Xmas crackers in favour of non-Planet-destroying crap made of glass and/or metal and/or paper.

What do the Xperts know anyway?
cross symbol Talking about crackers; guess what? The advice to put a pack of frozen peas on a sprain, concocted back in 1978, is daft and wrong. It does more harm than good. Yet another Xpert shot down in flames but the Xperts who did the shooting can't be all that much cop if he got away with it for four decades.

CFL logo FNF #2. The Lions, minus Mike Reilly, could expect a kicking from the visiting Roughriders, who are contenders, according to the form book. But the first score came in the last minute of Q1; a FG by BC. One from Lauther a couple of minutes in to Q2 made it 3-all.
    Another FG put BC 3-6 ahead. Recovering a forced fumble set up a spectacular one-handed catch for Burnham with a foot down in goal? Nope, foot on the white—an obvious swindle! Boooo! FG for the Lions instead, 3-9. A TD for SK in the 14th minute but the covert missed. 9-all. O'Brien fumbled when sacked in the last minute, giving SK . . . a FG, 12-9.
    A TD then two FGs put the riders 21-9 ahead in Q3. They kicked another FG in the first minute of Q4, 24-9. Sack/fumble, SK ball, another FG, 27-9. BC kicked a FG after 7 minutes, 27-12. Burnham battled into the SK goal for a cosmetic TD in the 13th minute, 27-19. The Riders fielded a short BC kick off. They were stopped but BC had too far to go to score again.

bullet + + + Official! + + + Prince Harry is going, or has gone, off his nut + + + the nation not surprised + + + an obsession with mental health at that level not healthy + + +
reader comment“+ + + Stiff upper lip transplant donor sought urgently + + +” Q.A.

Pillock Politics or “Pass the sick bag, Alice!”
We had a glimpse this week of the thinking behind the politics of envy, which Labour relies on so heavily. The Poll Tax, according to the former Chancellor's son, was 'unfair' because a couple living in inner London could be paying 20% of their net income compared with a wealthy couple in the suburbs paying just 1% of their net income as Poll Tax.
    Both couples, of course, would be paying the same actual amount of cash for their council's services.
    Strangely enough, the same sort of percentage differential in terms of available income applies to Council Tax. But that piece of information is never deployed as an argument against a property-based tax.

CFL logo Finally, the Bombers in Calgary. A bomb from Mitchell to the BB 34, 2 & FG. One back by the Bombers after 10 minutes, 3-all. The Stamps replied with a TD for Begelton, +2, 3-11. The BB kicked a FG in Q2, then a scoop & score by Sales of the defence after 3 minutes, 13-11.
    W. Rose made a pick @ the CS 25, TD for Whitehead, 20-11. Begelton took a 21 yard TD pass, +2, 20-19. The Bombers sent Lawler in to the goal on a 2nd & 1 play, 27-19 with 2 minutes to half time.
    A pick by the Stamps in first minute of Q3 gave them a FG, 27-22. FG for the BB after 7 minutes, 3-22. A TD +2 got the Stamps to 30-all. The BB kicked a FG 2 minutes in to Q4, Begelton took his 3rd TD pass, 33-37. Streveler was dinged and went off for a while. The Stamps bogged a FG try. The Bombers had 36 seconds to score a TD to win. Didn't happen.

cross symbol Xmas is likely to be cancelled this year because of the antics of the Bremoaners. And few high street retailers are expected to survive the car crash of this Festering Season, thanks to the Bremoan Slump in business and consumer confidence.

The British record for points on a driving licence but the owner is still allowed to infest the roads is .. . 78. The jury is out on whether the magistrates who bought the string of sob stories about hardship were soft-hearted or soft in'th 'ead.
reader comment“Unrelated, but something else the jury is out on is whether there is a multi-millionaire fund manager who isn't corrupt enough to have been in Tony B. Liar's Cabinet.” P.M.

bullet You really will catch your death of cold if you venture outdoors without a coat in cold weather, the Xperts have concluded. But will the headstrong listen?

What comes around
The German economy has moved into recession as a result of Mrs Mherkel's attempts to make trouble for the UK over Brexit. Consequently, the EbloodyU's client nations, which live off German and Dutch taxpayers, will have to tighten their belts.

reader comment“Footballers are @ significant risk of developing dementia after heading the ball lots during their playing career, the Xperts reckon. Does that explain Gary bloody Lineker?” F.F.
reader comment“No, mate, he was too much of a wimp ever to head the ball.” R.W.

Coming soon . . .
A good way to avoid an eye-watering fine from a crooked local council after straying into an unmarked bus lane will be to get a green blob, a green bar or a green background (according to which option the waxworks go for) applied to your number plates so that they look like they belong to a get-away-with-anything electric car.

Intellectual property abuse
Maybe it's time to start enforcing laws on passing off with vigour when the Artful Dodger in Charles Dickens' Oliver Twist is converted into a 20-something female copper (same age as the bloke playing Oliver) and some other woman gets the Bill Sikes role.
reader comment“No doubt the dog will be played by a penguin or some other inappropriate mammal.” C.D.

“How many fingers, Jules?” “Thursday?”
Hackers' assistant J. Assange seems to be trying to lay the foundations for an insanity plea as his excuse for not being extradited to the United States. He would like everyone to believe that his 7-year voluntary period of incarceration in the Ecuadorian embassy in London; to evade extradition to Sweden on sex crime charges, has left him in a state of mental confusion. So there!

Aliens ain’t us
The senior citizens in the film directing biz have grotted all over the current rash of Marvel superhero films on the grounds that they are samey and not about human beings to whom the audience can relate. [Not strong on escapism, then. Ed.]

No ageism in the world of crime
Crumbs! Care of the elderly is a serious problem for the prison system, whose customers include lotz of pensioners. The oldest is a paedophile, who got a telegram from The Queen a year before he was sent down. The prison service will have to put up with him for another three years before he becomes eligible for parole.

cross symbol The Xtinctionists, who claim they're saving The Planet, left behind 80 tons of assorted garbage to pollute the streets and parks of London during this month's adventure there, which also used up £21 million of the Metropolitan police budget. So just another bunch of hypocrites, then.
reader comment“Look on the sunny side. Maybe the Met won't be able to afford to concoct any silly celeb paedophile stories now.” C.I.D.
reader comment“This is obviously the Xtinctionists preparing for when they become nomads in the 2030s, moving from one tiny pocket of settlement to another in a shattered landscape and making sure they dump vast amounts of grot and crap in someone else's back yard before moving on.” J.R.

bullet Customers are advised to avoid France and Spain, where storms are causing extensive flooding and disruption and death.

bullet 15% of schoolkids are now classed as having something wrong with them which puts them in the 'special needs' category. No wonder the little darlings are going Xtinct.

zombie humbugHumbug Daze
How interesting it was to learn that MPs want to decriminalize every drug imaginable for personal use. Clearly, some of them have realized that the only way people will vote for them is if they're stoned out of their skull on something wacky and weird.
reader comment“Looks like the Liberals are way ahead of the rest of use as far as drug consumption is concerned if their leader thinks she has a realistic shot at becoming prime monster.” R.W.

Lynchtime Lunch Mob
The Emma Kratz [what TV subtitlers call them, Ed.] in the US have just about broken the race button by pressing it every time they do something for cheap political reasons; usually, to twit President Trump by doing something such as trying to prevent an investigation of the Biden family's antics in Ukraine.
reader comment“The African and South American special interest groups in Congress, in particular, are now in a state of negative credibility and entitled to bad acting awards for their shows of confected outrage.” D.N.N.

Let us not forget . .
. . . that 39 Chinese migrants being found dead in a container in Essex is down solely to conditions in China and foreign criminals, no matter what the anti-British boo-hoo buggers would have us believe.
reader comment“Maybe making the life sentences for mass murder consecutive rather than concurrent might make the criminals think twice. Although, it's unlikely.” C.T.

tick symbol The Office for National Sadistics has managed to fudge up the official Happiness Index for the UK by a magnificent 0.4% to a figure of 75.6%. The rate in Ulster is higher, but dropping, and London is full of real miserygutz.
bullet The official Decadence Index is also on the up as people find they're just not that bothered about infidelities and perversions as long as those concerned don't expect decent people to get involved.

reader comment“The communist regime in Spain really has lost the plot if it thinks playing musical chairs with General Franco's remains shows it as anything other than a collection of petty minded losers.” E.H.

Think Gooble, think bias
After being convicted of left-wing luvvyism in the United States, Gooble's luvvy left and Bremoaner biases have been exposed in its search engine results offered in Britain. Other search engines are available, e.g.

bullet Hypochondriacs rejoice! "Under the weather" is a real medical condition, the Xperts have decided.
reader comment“The Xperts have also found that fat schoolkids can't think straight. No wonder they're destined to go Xtinct if they don't get their environment.” M.E.

Highways England creating Deathways
'Smart' motorways are death traps because the less than smart waxworks who think they're a brilliant idea are failing to install technology for detecting stranded vehicles before they add another stretch of 'smart' M-way to their quota and wave a virtue flag a bit more.

Customer: say no!
Customers who can't access cash in a Barclays account via a post office are being urged by government ministers to solve the problem themselves by switching banks.
update Barclays has been shamed into retaining post office access for its customers BUT the bank will try again to weasel out of the arrangement three years from now.

Far Queue symbol The MeeToo Movement is running out of steam because too many part-time feminists are finding that men won't look at them or even admire them from a distance, never mind offer them dinner and debauchery.

Far Queue symbol The treaty allowing extradition to mainland China, which has been causing all the trouble in Hong Kong, has been axed. The former colony's figurehead, who failed to deliver it, is also expected to get the chop.

bullet The Xperts in France have decided that the made-in-England Bayeux Tapestry can be fitted into a section of the interior of . . . Bayeux cathedral. Yet another triumph for making the available evidence fit the theory.
bullet Talking about making the evidence fit the theory, a survey by the World Jewish Congress has found that 27.03% of Germans have anti-Semitic thoughts and are therefore eligible to join the Corbidiot Labour party.

cross symbol The BBC is in danger of going Xtinct; or, at least, its licence fee is; as many of the Xtinctionist generation have decided that its programmes are not worth watching. Same with the website.

Let the customers stay at home
PM Boris reckons that he likes buses. But does he like them enough to keep them off the list of things going Xtinct? Especially in rural areas. Local councils are great at paying vast sums to unnecessary executives but when it comes to doing something useful for the people who pay council tax, they're always in last place. Which explains 3,000 bus routes in England vanishing over the last decade.

cross symbol Berko has been jaunting around the world, at the taxpayer's expense, to tell credible foreigners what a wonderful job he's doing as Squeaker of the House of Useless Humbugs—and hoovering up lotz of hospitality, of course.
reader comment“No Trade Descriptions Act abroad?” R.W.

bullet The latest wheeze for cutting down patient/doctor interaction times is to keep patients standing during a consultation to eliminate all that time wasted on sitting down and standing up again.

bullet Oxford U. has collected so many nervous nellies that the students' union has felt a need to ban clapping in favour of Al Jolson impersonations to prevent anxiety attacks. Not something calculated to recommend its members to potential employers!

reader comment“Just a thought, but could the MMR vaccination crisis be due in part to GP clinics having so many long lunch breaks and afternoons off?” L.M.
reader comment“Most of the blame is now being dumped on Amazon for printing and selling a children's book full of anti-vaccine myths and propaganda” S.S.

tick symbol Today's buzz words: socal media – not all that social because of all the vile trolling, pretty much so-called because of all the fake news.
reader comment“President Trump is in the very interesting position of being able to say something which is obviously outrageous on socal meeja and have it taken seriously by those with an interest in confecting outrage around it. Tons of scope for winding the humbugs up!” N.K.

Entitlement expired
Oh, dear! The French are outraged because they failed to win any of the World Cheese Awards for excellence. And to make the cheese-eating surrender monkeys even more cheesed off, it was an American company in Oregon which won the top prize.

bullet Bonfire Night seems to have come a little early to Romiley—on the last Saturday of this month. Probably some Snoflakes in a rush to get it in before they become Xtinct.

History made
O.J. Corbynski has achieved the doubtful distinction of becoming the first Opposition leader in history to demand a general election and then bottle out when one was on offer because everyone was telling him he'd lose.

cross symbol On the one hand, the loss of 39 lives in a refrigerated container is a tragedy. On the other, we'd much rather they arrived legally by the front door than trying to sneak into Britain like thieves in the night.

Gone around, now coming around
America's Justice Department is conducting a criminal inquiry into . . . America's Justice Department. The Attorney General wants to know the who, what and when of the ex-FBI boss R. Mueller's attempts to prove that President Trump conspired with the Russians during the 2016 presidential election campaign.

cross symbol Want to climb Ayres Rock? Hard luck, mate! It is now officially an ethnic forbidden zone and there's a fine of 6,000 Aussie dollars for any climber who isn't sufficiently sneaky about doing it.

Far Queue symbol The Legal Aid industry is making a large fortune out of the traitors who went abroad to kill and maim on behalf of an Islamist terror gang. The Ministry of Justice responded to this abuse of taxpayers' money with some wibble about strict eligibility tests.

bullet If HRT drugs are in short supply, how much good is it going to do if deprived women sue their GP for not prescribing something that's not available? Yet another example of the legal trade trying to get rich whilst achieving nothing useful.

Another plug hole, another one down it
Despite an APR of 1,300%, QuickQuid has gone bust after giving lotz of cash to people who couldn't afford to repay it. Amazingly, the management, like those of Wonga and The Money Shop, is not going to be sectioned under the Mental Health Act for lunatic business practices.

bullet A female police person of the ASAMEAOX Tendency has been told to pay just £5,000 costs for bringing 33 vexatious claims of rachel discrimination against her employer and wasting £50,000 of taxpayers' cash. Her lawyers have been done for just £40K, leaving the taxpayer in a hole for at least £5K.

cross symbol According to the inevitable book about her, the former PM T. May was not only a useless campaigner, she was surly to boot. That comes as no surprise if her first name is TheRazor.

Turn around . . .
The trade union boss of Labour's biggest cash donor organization has ordered O.J. Corbynski not to back another referendum on independence for Scotland. Which had a once-in-a-generation IndyRef just a few years ago, lest we forget. Which the union boss supported.

Monkey business
"Do you see a problem with a complete lack of fact checking on political adverts?" an Emma Kratz Congressperson asked the boss of FakeBuk.
    If he'd had his wits about him, he would have replied: "If we had to tell politicians like your good self to be strictly accurate and honest, there would be ZERO advertising revenue from politics."

Unexpected item in driver's seat
The Glasgow city police are having to contend with a bus-jacker, who puts on something resembling a driver's uniform, drives a bus around for a while then legs it when he starts to feel nervous about being rumbled.

bullet If you are a victim of abuse in Scotland by the Catholic Church or the SNP administered NHS, do not expect redress in your lifetime.

Not quite the saint she pretended to be
The former leader of the Tories in Scotland, who stood down in a cloud of faux indignation over Brexit to have a daughter, was very careful not to give up her income as an MSP. Now, she has sold out to the PR industry.
    Despite all her protestations of moral rectitude, she has added to her role as a Scottish Parliament member, a job paying an AES of £500,000!! Nice work if you can get it.
reader comment“Hey, she's a politician. What do you expect?” R.W.

The name's the same but that's all
Back in the good old daze of the hot-metal newspaper industry, when the unions ruled the roost, bods could sign on for a shift as Donald Duck or Mickey Mouse to avoid paying income tax.
    These days, companies in the care industry are claiming to have staff with the same name as celebs and royals on their roster. No allegations of fraud have been made but the councils billed for the services of people with celeb names are trying to find out exactly what's going on.

Sunday Night Football was the Packers in KC. The Chiefs blew a challenge in the opening drive, Jones lost a TD to a penalty but he would not be denied, 7-0. A GB challenge sent the Chiefs 3 & out. So they sacked GB 3 & out! KC missed a FG try. Jones hit the end zone again but he'd stepped on the sideline at the KC 10. TD for Williams instead, 14-0.
    GB started Q2 with a sack on Moore, the veteran Mahomes replacement, but KC went on to a TD for Kelce, 14-7. GB were sacked to a punt. KC scored another TD, 14-all with 6 minutes to half time. KC went ahead with a FG in the last minute, 14-17. A blitz prevented a Hail Mary by Rodgers in the last few seconds of the half.
    A long KC opening drive in Q3 was sacked to a punt. KC made a goal line stand, GB was sacked to a FG, 17-all in the 14th minute. KC fumbled the ball away on their first play! A TD for Williams in Q4, 24-17. KC equalized with 9 minutes to go. Two plays, the second a huge dash by Jones to the KC goal, 31-24. KC had to punt and GB was able to eat what was left on the clock.
    Billed as a rematch of Super Bowl 1, different era, different coaches, players and rules, different score but the same outcome.

 WEEK 5 

Far Queue symbol Burko has been deselected by his constituency party for being a git on a permanent basis.

A whinge too far
Is it a big deal that Grenfell Tower survivors were made to sign a non-disclosure agreement to prevent leaks a few days before the official report is published? It is a very, very small deal and it is stoopid to pretend otherwise. Not that such a consideration ever stopped the outrage confectors.

CFL logo Friday Nite Football was the Stamps in Winnipeg. A long CS opening drive went to a TD Mr. Collards is now the QB for the Blue Bombers. His first series ended in a punt. A 36-yard pass to Bailey in his next drive got the BB to the CS 26, they drove into Q2 and were sacked to a FG, 7-3.
    The Stamps got a rouge from a punt, 8-3. A pick gave them a long FG try which missed. A TD for Demski in the 14th minute put the BB 8-10 ahead. The Stamps closed the half with a TD for Rogers from the BB 2, no +2, 14-10. After an exchange of punts in Q3, the Bombers sprinted to a TD for Lawler and 14-17.
    Rogers took another TD pass from Mitchell in the 10th minute. The convert missed and was returned for +2 the other way by Grant!! 20-19. Mayala scored a TD for the CS as the last play of Q3, +2 this time, 28-19. In Q4, the BB had to make a 3rd & 1 in FG range, Collards to Adams at the back of the CS goal, TD, 28-26, 7 minutes left.
    The BB started a drive at their 44 with 2 minutes left. They made a 3rd & 1 at the CS 45. Harris rushed to the 25. Medlock came on for a FG and a 28-29 walk-off win for the Blue Bombers. They're for real.

Another one bites the dust
The Daesh terrorist with the alias A.B. Baghdadi had a $25 million bounty on his head. He blew himself and 3 children up with a suicide vest when the forces of light closed in on his lair in Syria. It is thought unlikely that the reward will be placed in his wrappings when he is dumped at sea, like O. Bin Laden.
reader comment“One less terrorist hand for O.J. to shake.” A.H.B.

Another grasping hand . . .
It isn't the same work when someone whose name is known is replaced on a BBC entertainment show by some unknown, who promptly moans about being paid less because she has an inferior recognition profile.
    Does being female and ASAMEAOX bridge the gap? Of course, it doesn't. But that's a real world judgement applied to the world of luvvies.
reader comment“Equal pay for equal pulling power? Something much too complex for luvvies to get. And something the lawyers are prepared to ignore the logic of in search of a dodgy buck.” H.P.

Far Queue symbol The fracking industry is resigned to meeting minor claims from scammers, who claim that a very minor earthquake; barely felt, if at all; cracked their plaster and made redecoration necessary.
reader comment“Obviously a scam. We've had real earthquakes here in Romiley and none of them caused a plague of plaster cracking.” R.W. [For details, Click Here. Ed.]

A silly gimmick
No surprise that Mercedes and Ferrari, the teams most likely to produce a Formula One champion, grotted all over the idea of binning the present qualifying system in favour of a sprint race with those highest in the driver's championship starting at the back. It's the sort of Mickey Mouse stuff you expect from minor events, not something that's supposed to be top of the calendar.

CFL logo We're having another Super Saturday in Week 20, starting with the Redblacks in Toronto. A TD for Edwards after 9 minutes put the Argos 0-7 up. Lots of defence. A RB pick in goal in Q2 was wiped out by their having 13 men on the field!! An Argo FG try after 6 minutes missed for 1 point, 0-8.
    Sinopoli set a new RB pass-receiving record on the way to a TD for Rhymes after 13 minutes, +2 by Sinopoli with his 500th career catch, 8-all. The Argos put Worthy in the RB end zone a minute later, 8-15. The RB opener in Q3 was sacked to a punt. Prukop took over from Bethel-Thompson as the Argo QB in Q3.
    Newbie 34 of the Argos sprinted to the RB 24, TD for Smith, 8-22. No. 34 got the next TA TD, 8-29. The Argos kicked a FG after 13 minutes, 8-22. O'Connor took over in Q4. His first ever TD pass, to Smith, survived a challenge for OPI, 8-39.
    Ward missed a FG try for the RBs!! Just a single from it, 9-39 with 4 minutes left. The Argos recovered an RB fumble in FG range in the 14th minute but the RB defence pushed them back. No further scoring.

Far Queue symbol The 'uman bluddy rights industry is quite happy to fill Britain with Kenyan terrorists—as revenge for some confected grievance as other?

zombie humbugcross symbol Apparently, the reason why the Labour party doesn't want a December general election is that all their voters live in areas where it isn't safe to be out after dark or before full daylight.
bullet It has been pointed out that 10 winter general elections were held between 1900 and 1974. It should be pointed out as well that they all took place before Snoflakes were invented.

Far Queue symbol The Labour MP Jim 'Teflon' Vaz is getting a 6-month holiday from the House of Useless Humbugs for lying his head off to the Standards Committee; as is his right as a member of the ASAMEAOX Tendency. There is talk of him being shamed, but is it possible to shame someone whose shamelessness index is 'utterly'? That's doubtful.
    According to the man himself, his alleged drug-fuelled adventures with rent-boy decorators happened to coincide with a period of serious mental issues.
reader comment“He was off his nut at the time? Well, that makes everything okay.” N.K.

cross symbol Homeopathy is not harmful in itself, the Xperts reckon. It does harm only when it is used as a substitute for proper medicine, which is not itself without risk. Homeopathy also does a lot of damage to the wealth of the redeless.

CFL logo Super Saturday part 2: the Roughriders in Edmonton. The Riders had to punt. The Eskimos made a huge pass play but were picked in goal. They sacked SK to a punt in revenge. Another EE sprint to the red zone, DPI in goal, McCarty in for a TD, 0-7. Fajardo fumbled when the Riders were backed up, EE ball at the SK 1!, more McCarty, 0-14.
    In Q2, Fajardo fired a bomb to the Evans at the EE 45; punt, goal line scramble, no yards, some breathing room for the Esks, punt. Evans went 47 yards to the EE 3, TD for Thigpen, 7-14 in the 12th minute. The Esks kicked a FG at the end of the quarter for 7-17.
    After an exchange of punts in Q3, the Esks lost a challenge of a bad DPI call and SK went on to a TD for Moore, 14-17 in the 9th minute. A pick by SK stopped the Esks, razzle-dazzle to a TD for Arceneaux, 21-17 after 13 minutes.
    The Esks missed a FG try in Q4 for nowt. The Riders had more success after 9 minutes, 24-17. The Esks went for a 3rd & 4 after the 3 minute warning, Ellingson caught the pass; must get a TD. From the SK 12, Harris to Smith, 24-all. 1:48 left. The Riders marched to FG range and a 42-yarder gave them a walk-off 27-24 win. Ratz!

tick symbol The Xperts now reckon that narcissism is a Good Thing as it comes with greater mental toughness and an ability to ignore snide comments like: "Who does he/she/it think he/she/it is?" Narcissism banishes depression and the wimpy, weediness associated with Snoflakeism.
reader comment“It also helps politicians to believe that they are dead right when they are dead wrong, which explains a lot.” W.N.
reader comment“O.J., Jim Vaz, the next PM woman, T. bloody Watson, ect. ect.” I.F.

Bollocks to Berko

Far Queue symbol Any danger of an apology from the global warming fraudsters, who made a fridge fire @ Grenfell Tower into a major disaster with that cladding? Nope?
reader comment“Lest we forget, the Global Warming Fraudery took off under a Labour government. Fact.” E.M.

bullet A British household is improper if it fails to deliver an average of 5 arguments per week, according to the gang pushing 'smart' power meters.

CFL logo Super Sat. #3: the Ticats in Montreal. A lateral right and forward pass by the Als got them to the TC 37 after they'd made the visitors punt, but they were picked by Lawrence. Lots of defence. The Als scored first in the 13th minute with a TD for Bray, 0-7. Speedy B scored a TD as the last play of the quarter, the Cats failed to make +2 but the Als were offside, then there was a flag for procedure by the Cats and no +2 eventually, 6-7.
    In Q2, Lewis did some hurdling to the TC 31 and Wienecke took a TD pass, 6-14. Lots of defence until Addison strolled into the MTL goal after the 3MW. The Cats got 2 goes to make +2, 14-all. Shiltz replaced Adams in a no consequence match and fired a TD pass to Matthews, 14-21 at the half.
    A TD for Coombes put the Cats level in Q3. Then a pick by Brooks set up another TD for Speedy B, 28-21 at half-way. A safety to the Als after a punt in the 13th minute? Flags for holding by the Cats and no yards on the Als, still 28-21 until the MTL defence force a safety for real and 28-23.
    The Als managed a FG in Q4, 28-26. 9 plays by the Cats in under 2 minutes and Speedy B scored another TD, 35-26. It all got rather bad tempered for a while. The Cats kicked a FG with a couple of minutes left and 31-26 was the final score.

bullet Asthma sufferers have been told officially that there is no need to abandon their inhalers in favour of dry-powder devices as the reduction in their carbon footprint will have ZERO impact on The Planet's climate.

reader comment“Any female voters who think that Boris having a girlfriend half his age is a reason not to vote Tory are no advert for Votes For Women because they're intelligent enough to use that vote wisely.” R.W.

zombie humbugLet the people decide,
even if the idiots are bound to get it dead wrong

Far Queue symbol Is it worth sacrificing hundreds of thousands of jobs so that O.J. can give the cold shoulder to Arab regimes in the Middle East and, of course, Israel, to let him show solidarity with Islamist terrorists? Or doesn't it matter if your job isn't involved?

bullet What sneaky tricks are drug dealers getting up to these days? Having legs amputated so that they can hide drugs in a prosthetic limb has to be pushing the envelope to the limit!!

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, October MM19 like anyone cares