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There is still no F in Brexit thanks to the Westminster Wonders—but Prime Monster Boris is doing his best to insert it!
reader comment“Forget worrying about Brexit. According to Dr. Nicholl of Project Yellowfear, we're all going to die. It's Deathmongering that makes Brexit look rather irrelevant.”

 WEEK 1 

Only enemies of the human race oppose air travel
One of the Daily Mail journos took a pop at lies in politics; with a thinly veiled plug for a book wot he wrote on the subject. Maybe he could direct his aim next @ the lying claim that aircraft churn out carbon pollution.
    Burning jet fuel creates carbon dioxide, which is a Natural Product on which plants depend for their survival. Plants, in turn, produce oxygen, on which all animals—including human ones—depend for their survival. CO2, therefore, is a Good Thing, the liars need to be told.
reader comment“Oborne, Osborne . . . those names are suspiciously close.” C.A.
reader comment“Global warming fraudsters should be required by law to register as a member of a personal interest group and pay a hefty premium for the privilege of breathing our oxygen.” C.T.

Far Queue symbol Paxperson thinks the current PM is someone you wouldn't trust with your sister. Takes one to know one, Paxo.

Far Queue symbol Scribbler P. Pulman is in the market for methods of doing away with our beloved PM. Might we suggest he tries out some of these methods on himself as a preliminary to picking a fave one?

Far Queue symbol Current Liberal leader J. Swinson is not encouraging her party to form a personality cult around her good self on the grounds that she lacks one.

tick symbol C. Dick, the honcho of the Met, wants a 'two strikes and you're in gaol' rule for people who attack police officers. Okay, lady, you can have it. But only on condition that you surrender the brush you use to sweep police misconduct under the carpet. We haven't forgotten 'Nick' and his police buddies, Commissioner.

reader comment“One Frog throws a hissy fit over one mistake and that means the whole system for letting citizens of the EbloodyU live here after Brexit is a shambles? Crumbs! It's a bloody good job that two Frogs didn't throw wobblies or they'd be claiming the end of civilization as we know it.” T.O.

No need to panic
Australia's Great Barrier Reef is relatively new in geological terms; 20 million years old tops; and it hasn't always been alive and under water—definitely not during Ice Ages.
    Should we therefore be bothered if it becomes lifeless for a while due to the climate changing? Not really. The historical evidence is that it will be back again when the climate becomes favourable again.

Desperate times
We are facing a national crisis. Our national supply of wibble is running out. The enemies of democracy @ Westminster and Holyrood are consuming wibble stocks at such a frantic rate that there could be a period of blessed silence—possibly extending for several months—until imports from the EbloodyU, which is also experiencing severe shortages, can be procured.

Salvation is at hand!
A No Deal Brexit will push food prices up so high that only the rich and those with their nose stuck in the public sector trough will be able to be obese. Which will take a great deal of business away from the NHS, leaving doctors on the dole and unable to give free medical treatment to foreigners who haven't paid for it.

reader comment“The Xtinctionists have been messing about in Manchester for an extended weekend, which has left everyone else wishing the buggers would hurry up and go Xtinct.” R.W.
bullet Greater Manchester Police has been washing its collective hair over the long weekend of the protests and did the usual bugger all about keeping roads open.

CFL logo Labour Day weekend delivered a clash between the top teams in the West. The Roughriders blew their challenge and had to punt for a rouge. The second Blue Bomber play was picked off but the Riders were sacked 2 and out. The Riders reached the BB red zone, only for Fajardo to throw his first pick in living memory. 2 and sack, the BB gave up a safety, 0-3.
    The first major was a scored by Evans in the last minute of Q1, 0-10. The BB inflicted sack #3 in Q2. A big sprint by Augustine got the BB to the RR 9, TD for Lawler, 7-10 after 6 minutes. The Riders spluttered at the BB 3 and kicked a FG. They kicked another in the last minute and left the Bombers with time to reply in kind. 10-16 at half time.
    Lots more defence in Q3. A pick by Purifoy stopped the BB; one by Rose halted the RR. Then there was an exchange of sacks. A fake punt play worked for the BB a minute in to Q4. Intentional grounding cost them 14 yards and forced a punt for real. The Bombers got to 3rd & goal at the SK 1, and Streveler's 3rd try for the goal worked. 17-16 with 3:44 left. Plus a rouge from the kick off, 18-16.
    The Riders closed to FG range. Powell sprinted to the BB 18. Wilder kicked a short FG with 00 on the clock and gave the Riders a walk-off 18-19 victory to keep their Labour Day win list polished.

bullet Prorogation is a poncetitutional outrage? Anything that outrages the ponce tendency is to be welcomed!

Where there's wealth, there's a way
The Sheikh in charge of Dubai has been scunnered a bit by the Highland council and gorbal warming. He filed plans to build a lodge at his Scottish retreat and the council said no because the site will be flooded when the polar ice caps and shelves melt and the sea level rises by 30 metres.
    Luckily, the Sheikh is a zillionaire and he can afford to put the building on stilts, which will keep it safe when the sea swamps the land in, say, a thousand years' time?

Same old same old
The Belgian Grand Prix had Verstappen going into the barrier with no steering after a riot at turn 1 right after the start. The Ferraris were ahead of the Mercs on the grid. Both Mercs got past Vettel. Would Hamilton be able to catch and pass Leclerc on lap 44/44 in the traffic? Nope.

Putting the 'bam' into bamboozle
We must watch out for the pressure groups which quote percentages, especially if they're increases in the hundreds. It's usually a sign that the number of 'incidents' (or non-events) that the confectors are counting has gone up from a small, small number to a slightly bigger (but still insignificant) small number. Say a rise from 8 to 38, which is a massive, shocking, dreadful increase of 375%. But not particularly startling if you compare 8, or 38, to the population of Britain.

The Boss delivers a reminder
The Pope found himself stuck in a lift for 25 minutes as a divine warning that whilst his predecessors might have had delusions of infallibility, he's not the one who presses the buttons and makes things happen.

Far Queue symbol The Weather Wibblers are at it again, willing Hurricane Dorian to be the most aggressive in recorded history so that they can claim another rather worthless record in geological historical terms based on records going back barely a blink of an eye.
reader comment“President Trump is hoping that God will bless everyone in the hurricane zone. No doubt those battered by Dorian will be left asking 'What the hell did I do?' and getting no answer.” A.L.

Bad Zebra Day in Hamilton
CFL logo It's the Labour Day Classic: the Argos in Hamilton. Two passes got the Cats to FG range, on to a TD for Evans, +2 for Speedy B, 0-8. Bang! Bethel-Thompson to Walker who went 96 yards for a TD. Plus a rouge from the kick off, 8-all after 5 minutes. A HUGE punch-up in the 8th minute, red dusters everywhere, 2 Ticats excluded and nothing for the Argos, not even marching orders for Wilder, who started it.
    The Argos kicked a FG, 11-8. Lots of defence, including a pick by the Argos in the 14th minute; but they fumbled the ball away on a 3rd & 1 at the end of Q1. The TA kicked a FG after 3 minutes of Q2, 14-8. A FG for the Cats after 7 minutes, 14-11. A TD for Walker after 9 minutes, 21-11. The Cats were sacked off the field on a 3rd & 1 with 3:50 to go. The Argos did nothing with this turnover, and the next one. And the next? They got a FG with 14 seconds to go to half time. 24-11.
    The Cats managed a FG 6 minutes in to Q3, 24-14. They lost a perfectly good TD to a bad OPI call but kept going to one which stuck. 24-21. The Argos were sacked to a FG, 27-21, then inflicted their 7th sack. The Cats took the lead with a TD 2 minutes in to Q4, 27-28.
    Another TC trip to the red zone, another TD for Adams after 6 minutes, 27-35. Some lumps for Bethel-Thompson! Another punch-up with 5 minutes to go. The Cats kicked a long FG with 1:20 to go and 27-38 was too deep a hole for the Argos to climb out of.

Just bloody typical
A gang of cosmetic mayors is campaigning for cleaner air in city centres. Natch, their solution isn't to ban vehicles which donate exhaust fumes to city centres, it's to grab even more money off the drivers of the vehicles.
    Thus it's cash in the coffers for the politicians to waste and the people in the city centres just have to go on coffing in air which is no less polluted.

cross symbol The chumps who buy bottled French fizzy water are having a tough time of things. The dry summer has made their fave spring dry up. Oh, tragedy!

CFL logo Next, the Altercation in Alberta. BL Mitchell was back for the Stampeders' home match with the Eskimos. The CS first drive went to a FG. Same result after an interception, 0-6. Another tipped pass ended up in the Eskimos' clutches, FG from it, 3-6. Jones lost a 93 yard return to goal of a CS punt in Q2; holding. More solid defence.
    A CS FG try missed for a single point, 3-7. The Esks managed a FG in the 14th minute for 6-7. A 51 yard pass play got the Stamps to the EE 24 and Arbuckle completed the drive with a 1-yard TD sneak. +2 via Begelton, 6-15.
    Another FG 5 minutes in to Q3 put the Stamps 6-18 ahead. The Esks managed a FG in reply, 9-18 after 12 minutes. A TD for Begelton in Q4, 9-25. The Esks reached the TC 36; only to go out on downs with under 3 minutes left. Effectively, game over.

reader comment“All this Xtinction nonsense proves that there's no idea too daft to be sold to kids if it lets them pretend to be martyrs and gives them a licence to behave badly.” B.K.

tick symbol There can't be much wrong with the British economy if there are mugs around who will pay £335 for a branded pair of two-quid flip-flop 'summer sandals'. Especially now that the summer is over.

reader commentfrom our sports correspondent, Mans Praeding:
“I really do think there should be a special zone in Hell reserved for the shouty blokes, who sound like they're wetting their pants every time someone scores a goal with a bit of panache or does an overtake for 13th place on a racetrack. No punishment could be too cruel or too unusual for the shouties.”

bullet Cheap and cheerful electrical gadgets bought online are very good for starting fires and keeping the Fire Brigade in business.

cross symbol If you have cancer, there's only a 50% chance that the NHS will spot it in time to do you any good, the cheerful Xperts would have us believe.

Yet another brilliant record?
The pundits keep telling us that people don't vote for divided parties, sniping at the Tories while ignoring the fact that Labour is just as divided. Which means that it looks like the next general election will be the first to report a percentage turn-out in single figures!

reader comment“The news meeja let Swami Chuckabutty, Labour's anti-Semitism whitewasher with a tainted peerage, lie her head off about how a leaker was sacked and evicted from Downing Street. It would be nice if a nice policeman marched the Swami away from the gravy train at gun-point.” P.O.
reader comment“Baroness Chuckabutty has struck a blow for diversity by confirming that talking bollocks doesn't entail having bollocks and it isn't something exclusive to male politicians.” J.G.

Corbyn not to blame?
He's been demanding a general election every minute of the day since he lost one in 2017. But now there's a chance of one, the people who are really in charge of the Labour party have told him "No way!"
   Which confirms O.J. Corbynki's status as a pointless figurehead. Hence his policy of destructive ambiguity—a.k.a. fence squatting.
reader comment“He's been on that fence for so long, he must have outfitted it with a comfy chair, a TV and a barBQ, and he'd be hopelessly lost if he ever tried to return to the real world.” R.W.

tick symbol Are the 'issues' of climate change really so 'complex and challenging'? The climate changes constantly but extremely gradually and there are snake oil salespersons about pretending that they can control and accelerate the changes.
    What's so complex about that?

Ain't we sweethearts!
Amazon has revealed that it pays a corporation tax rate of just 2% on its sales in Britain of £10,900 MILLION. Why? Revealing this miserable contribution is just waving a pair of middle fingers at the world and companies which pay a fair rate of tax. But then again, maybe Amazon isn't worried who hates it and how much.

More hot spuds than you can shake a stick at
Metropolitan police honcho C. Dick doesn't want the country to sleepwalk into a ghastly, Orwellian, omniscient police state with robots and cameras everywhere spying on everyone (except the privileged few, natch). She wants to gain the trust of the British public so that the turkeys will vote for Xmas.

tick symbol The latest @ the airport game is "What's not going on?" Is the place @ a standstill because the pilots are on strike? Or the ground staff? Or the luggage transport system? Or is it just computer saying "No!, No! No!"?

Some people never learn—or don't want to
Hurricane Dorian flattened lotz of the buildings on the islands which constitute the Commonwealth of the Bahamas, but the people there aren't going to relocate to somewhere safer. They're just going to rebuild surface structures instead of creating safe bunkers and wait for Mother Nature to flatten them again to show the Baharmy Army who's boss. Weird, or what!

bulletQ: What can the BBC do to attract further derision?
bulletA: Employ a Momentum propagandist with anti-Semitism credentials as an Xpert for a programme which does some routine finger-pointing at the long-gone Nazis.

Must try harder next year
Disappointingly for the Xtreme weather junkies, this year's summer managed to be only the 12th hottest in the pitifully brief period of record. But it did manage to be the 7th wettest.

What's his game?
Prince Harry is reported to have described Africa as feeling like a second home. Does that mean he's turning into Gordon F. Broon? Who declared that Africa was his passion after he found that he could buy more friends there with British taxpayers' money than anywhere else in the world.

tick symbol A Scottish judge has ruled that prorogation of Parliament is a matter for politicians, not the courts, so up yours, Bremoaners. But if you want to stuff vast amounts of other people's money into the pockets of the legal trade, please feel free to continue to do so.

cross symbol The EbloodyU has admitted that Brexit talks are pointless because the lack of goodwill on its side means that the EbloodyU will never offer a deal which non-traitors in the UK will be prepared to swallow.

Far Queue symbol If the Metropolitan Police start pleading poverty, it's not due to The Cuts, it's down to blowing over £4 MILLION of taxpayers' money on the Nick fantasies and other abuses in a public office.

More make-work
The Met Office, it seems, hires someone to trawls through books of names from all countries to compile a diverse list for its stooopid practice of giving names to storms as part of its pretence that the weather is getting unbearably and unsurvivably terrible in order to scare the pants off Snoflakes.

Shifting position
With the end of his tenure in sight, the Gov of the Bonk of England has realized that he needs to start thinking about his next sinecure and a reputation for getting things 100% wrong 100% of the time ain't going to help.
    Thus Brexit, he reckons, will now be somewhat less of a total disaster than it was when Mr. Carney was fully signed up to Project Fear. He's now reducing himself to associate member status before he starts to pretend that he was never ever anything to do with this poisonous gang.

tick symbol More good news for veggies from the Xperts—don't eat meat and you won't have a heart attack. You'll have a stroke instead.
bullet And veggies are even more doomed if they consume artificial sweeteners in diet drinks.

Living up to its name
The aptly titled Malmaison hotel in Manchester will charge customers £55,300 for a bottle of ordinary beer if it thinks it can get away with it. It clearly has as much regard for 'do no mal' as Gooble.

Massaging the numbers
The nation's police forces have stopped arresting Islamist terrorists and they are concentrating on right-wingers in a bid to achieve diversity parity and a 50-50 split. There is a big hill to climb as the current Islamist to right-winger arrest ratio is 89-11.

bulletQ: How do you spot a pathetic control freak?
bulletA: He's the one threatening to fire his employees if they're using plastic cups and pretending he's saving the planet.

What a come-down
A DNA Xpert has concluded that the Loch Ness monster could be a 10-foot eel if a plesiosaur and a giant shark have to be ruled out. Not even half a cheer for something as pathetic as that!

American Crunch resumes!
The NFC is back with the Packers @ the Bears on Thursday Nite Football. No offence for the Pack in Q1, just a FG for the Bears. A big pass helped the Pack to a 4-play TD drive a minute and a half into Q2. 7-3. Rodgers was getting sacked as often as Mike Reilly, the former other green 'n' gold QB.
    Defences ruled in Q3. Rodgers rushed into FG range on a 3rd down in Q4, 10-3 with 5:15 to go. A pick in goal by the Packers with 2 minutes to go stopped the Bears. The Pack went 3 & out in a quarter of a minute. A 4th down sack finished off the Bears. Lots of action even if there wasn't much scoring.

A death worse than fate
zombifying Corbyn You spent half your time demanding a general election which you know you are bound to lose and half your time refusing to have a general election because your party comrades don't want to lose their places on the gravy train and they won't allow it.
    No wonder O.J. Corbynski is turning into a zombie!

Sainthood in due course
Far Queue symbol R. Mugabe, the man who turned the once prosperous Rhodesia into the Venezuela blueprint in terms of institutional corruption, theft from the few taxpayers and destruction of the economy, has croaked at 95 in exile in Singapore.
    The usual suspects are now busy whitewashing his reputation.

Suffering in the name of equality!
The Xperts have found that women, who have shorter necks than men, are prone to get pains there from using a mobul phone. The only answer on offer is a neck-stretching operation like the one employed by those African ladies, who consider wearing lotz of brass neck-rings to be an essential personal fashion statement.

Far Queue symbol The list of people you wouldn't pee on if they were on fire now includes airline pilots, especially those 'working' for BA and RyanGrounded. Their trade union officials have been on the list forever.

Just Froggy bollux
Don't believe all the crap about the French blocking a Brexit date extension; it's just MacRon pissing about. He knows he'll get the back of his head slapped and his arse kicked if he deprives the EbloodyU of extra monthly episodes of a billion bloody quid from the British taxpayer.

cross symbol The Turkish despot is threatening to flood the EbloodyU with millions of Syrian migrants posing as refugees in order to Xtract more cash from it. Yet another reason for getting out soonest.

reader comment“The daftest Storm Dorian story has to be that retired actor Sean Canary was lucky to escape death and destruction when the storm hit his personal Bahama. No, he wasn't sitting in the back garden, hugging a tree. He was in a storm-proof bunker which was designed to be hurricane-proof. One sacked PR for coming up with something so ludicrous?” R.W.

 WEEK 2 

CFL logo Friday Nite Football? Hooray! The Lions started well in Montreal, then Bowman stopped them with a sack. The Als missed a FG for a single? Cancelled by a penalty and they punted instead, nul points.
    The Als drove in to Q2 and Adams scored a TD. DPI in the BC goal set up another TD for him in the 9th minute. 0-14. Finally, a 40 yard TD pass to Burnham got the Lions started, 7-14 in the 14th minute. The Als sprinted down field; only to be picked off by Peters in the BC goal.
    BC kicked a FG 12 minute in to Q3, and another 2 minutes in to Q4 for 13-14. The Als replied with a TD by Bray at the mid-point of the quarter, 13-21. The Lions managed a FG inside the last 3 minutes but 13-21 was as close as they could get.

With the aid of a lemon . .
bullet Fat people can become not bothered about their size and inevitable early death if they sniff lemons regularly, the Xperts have decided. There's something about the pong of a lemon which makes the human brain think everything is fine and dandy.

bulletQ: What do schoolkids most frequently buy together at the start of a new school year?
bulletA: On Amazon, it's a backpack and an 8-inch kitchen knife to use on the school's bullies.

Cheap yes, but also useless
India's space agency, which is paid for via overseas aid from British taxpayers, launched Chandrayaan-2, its second Moon probe, in July to a great national fanfare. The probe was supposed to make a controlled descent to the surface early on the first Saturday of this month.
    Something went wrong about a mile above the surface and mission control in Bangalore lost contact with the probe seconds before it was due to touch down in the south polar region. Indian prime minister N. Modi claimed that there would be more opportunities for the mission to be completed. Quite how this would be done was not revealed.
    The Indian prime minister remains confident that as long as the flow of cash from the UK continues, the best is yet to come for his nation's dodgy space programme, which specializes in doing Moon missions on the cheap. [and nasty Ed.]
question mark What else is the British taxpayer's aid to India going on beside a dodgy space programme? IVF treatment for a woman who gave birth to twins at the grand old age of 73, causing her husband (82) to end up in hospital being treated for a stroke.

More Space News from Reith Vogelsong, our science correspondent
The residents of Jupiter are up in arms over global warming there, which is affecting the planets characteristic horizontal stripes. The disturbance is making some stripes fuzzy and changing the colour of others.
    "Our world no longer looks smart and organized," a Citizen's Representative complained. "We are becoming a shabby laughing stock of the Solar System. Our government really needs to get to grips with the rogue ammonia ice clouds in particular."

A further case of up, cover, wash and white by the cops
Metropolitan police detectives who were involved in the abuses of Operation Midland—the pursuit of an imaginary VIP child murder and abuse ring—are being allowed to censor their role in the redacted version of the Judge Henriques report on the shambles that will be released to the public. Sounds an excellent way to restore public confidence in a highly tarnished police farce. Not.

CFL logo Saturday Nite Football #2:The Banjo Bowl in Winnipeg. The Roughriders sacked Streveler on the first play by the Blue Bombers. Then he rushed for a first down. The BB kept a penalty-aided drive going for over half of Q1 to a TD for Streveler. The RR were sacked 2 & gone but they were able to close Q1 with a FG, 3-7.
    In Q2, Streveler bashed his way 21 yards to the SK 12, then to the 5 before firing a TD pass. 3-14 in the 7th minute. The Riders had no offence. Grant returned a punt for a TD in the 13th minute, 3-21. Fajardo was sacked with violence by Jefferson and lost the ball. 38 seconds left. Time for another TD for Streveler, 3-28 at half time.
    More of the same in Q3. Augustine did a pylon dive to put the Bombers 3-35 up after 5 minutes. A measly rouge from a punt in reply from SK, 4-35. Fajardo went in for a TD in the last minute of the quarter, no +2, 10-35. A pick by Rose stopped a promising SK drive in the 9th minute of Q4. The Riders put their reserve QB on the field for the last couple of minutes. He was sacked on 3rd & goal at the BB 5. The end.

bulletQ: What do you do when you find DNA on a sub-machinegun but it could have come from any of a set of criminal triplets?
bulletA: Sending all 3 to gaol worked for the Metropolitan police.

CFL logo Saturday Nite Football #3: Mitchell's second play was picked by the Eskimos. Two runs by Gable, a TD pass to Smith and the visitors were 0-7 up in Calgary. The Stamps marched to the EE red zone and kicked a FG after 12 minutes, 3-7.
    A dodgy penalty in Q2 set up a TD for Begelton, 10-7. Kilgore replaced Harris (arm trouble) as the EE QB and they levelled the scores at 10-all. The Esks did nothing with a pick. A TD pass to Rogers put the Stampeders 17-10 up with 2 minutes to half time.
    The Stamps kicked a FG 2 minutes in to Q3, and another after 8 minutes, 23-10. They opened Q4 with another, 26-10. Hunter made a pick at the CS 47 but a pick-6 by the Stamps on an EE 3rd & 6 play dug the hole deeper. Bummer! 33-10.
    10 minutes left. The Esk reached the CS 1, TD with 4 minutes left, 33-17. After sending the Stamps 2 & out, the Esks fumbled the ball away. Bum!

Wee Burney zombieOver the borderline from useless to
just plain malignant

reader comment“There can be no doubt that there are a lot of bad people in politics, but after reading the account in yesterday's Sunday Post of the suffering inflicted on Scots women with mesh implants, you have to start to wonder if the SNP isn't full of downright evil bastards.
    “Especially the alleged Health Sec., J. Freeman, who is doing absolutely bugger all about a dreadful situation. And, by association, her boss, Wee Burney Sturgeon. Something to remember next time Burney starts sounding off about the failings of others.” S.G.

bulletQ: Is it okay for a prime minister to ignore a Parliament which is ignoring the wishes of the electorate?
bulletA: Yup.

Xtinction to be averted?
Scotland is running out of wild cats but its Royal Zoological Society is on the job. The society has launched a £5.5 million, 6-year training programme to teach kittens how to be wild before releasing them in the Highlands.

FIA still means . . .
. . . Ferrari International Assistance. We had Vettel causing mayhem on lap 7 of the Italian GP and getting in everyone's way— would he get a penalty? Surprise! He did. Mainly because Leclerc, also Ferrari, was in the lead and not being penalized for running Louie Samilton off the track a couple of times to ensure that one of the prancing horses won their home Grand Prix. How wonderful.

More evil:
Glasgow city council allowing the IRA to hold TWO parades in the city at the weekend. Although, the million coppers on overtime, who prevented the terrorists and their buddies from killing anyone, won't have been bothered.

bulletQ: Is there any connection between the answer to the question of Life, the Universe and Everything, and finding three numbers, the sum of the cubes of which is 42? [As per the Diophantine equation]
bulletA: Nope.

Two fingersbullet Q: Is there any point in having a double digit lead in the opinion polls if you can't call a general election?
bulletA: Nope.

Cute, huh!
Our government has discovered another wrecking tactic to work on the EbloodyU in addition to a veto on the budget. The extra is refusing to appoint a UK EbloodyU Commissioner.
    If the EbloodyU Commission is missing a commish from one of the member states, it will be illegally constituted and unable to do any of the daft things it usually does. Hooray!

We knew there had to be a good reason
The Independent Office for Police Conduct has the perfect alibi. It is infected with institutional stupidity and therefore free to fail to deliver anything other than negligent and incompetent whitewashes.

No wonder Snoflakes are going Xtinct
reader comment“There seems to be a good case for anyone who uses auntiesocial meeja to be required to produce a certificate of sanity and mental stability before being allowed access to the interweb. The number of minor celebs who have claimed they've contemplated suicide because of what is said about them online supports this conclusion.” K.M.

Goes around only
Restaurants and pubs are being told to cut portion sizes to reduce o'besity and save The Planet from gorbal warming. Any chance of a corresponding cut in prices? Thought not.
reader comment“There's also a suggestion that customers should be given a doggy bag for unwanted items like side-salads, which should thrill any veggie pets. If there are any which haven't been kidnapped by the animal rights mob because feeding a natural carnivore a veggie diet constitutes a cruel and unusual punishment.” C.O.
reader comment“Don't expect anything much in the way of price reductions. The food purveyors will just claim that the preparation is the expensive part of a meal and the actual starting materials just cost pennies.” R.W.

Ruddy AmberFar Queue symbolreader comment“Nobody who's a real person gives a rat's ass that Ruddy Amber threw a hissy fit and flounced out of PM Boris's Cabinet. She never will be missed, oh, no, not never!” K.P.

reader comment“The only way to outflank BA's greedy pilots would be to ban all national holidays so that they can't cause disruption by going on strike when one comes round. The public would remain free to go on holiday whenever they choose, of course, but they would be making max nuisance difficult to achieve.” P.J.

CFL logo SNF #1: the Argos in the nation's capital. The Redblacks struck first with a TD in the 3rd minute. The Argos kicked a FG in reply, 3-7. The RBs survived a dodgy fumble ruling to kick a FG. The Argos survived a similar ruling to go on to a TD and 10-all after 13 minutes. The Argos recovered the ball from a fumble at the RB 31, only for Bethel-Thompson to be intercepted in the RB goal.
    Jennings was picked in the TA goal as the first play of Q2 and it was raining, which is normal for Ottawa. A punt after 6 minutes gave the Argos a rouge and the lead. A pylon dive made it 18-10 in their favour. The RBs replied with a FG after 13 minutes, 18-13 at half time.
    A fumble recovery by the Argos taken 43 yards for a TD after 3 minutes of Q3? Yup! The RBs managed a FG for 25-16. They did nothing after forcing and recovering a TA fumble in FG range. The Argos scored a TD in the opening minute of Q4, 32-16. A long FG try by the RBs went for a rouge. A prance-in TD by Wilder after 5 minutes made the lead 39-17.
    Five flags flew when Logan sprinted into the TA goal with a punt return. Off-setting penalties and the RBs fumbled the ball away on their next play with 5 minutes left. The Argos extended the rout with another TD and 46-17 was as bad as it got for the home team.

Berko zombieCop for this
The zombie Berko is to receive a fitting reward for his endless mischief and abuse of the rules in the public office of Squeaker of the House of Useless Buggers.
    No chance of the customary peerage awarded to those who do a proper job and uphold the dignity of the position, and therefore no chance to lounge around in a vermin-trimmed outfit on £300 per day just for turning up.
reader comment“Last equal on the list to replace the zombie squeaker should be Harridan Harperson and Captain Underpants without a shadow of a doubt. L. Hoyle, the senior deputy, should get the job.” W.S.

You couldn’t make it up
Twat of the Month: the MP for Sydenham, who went into portashrine mode over the death of one of her constituents EVEN THOUGH the bloke was wearing a mask and battering at the window of a car with a sawn-off shotgun, trying to kill the bloke inside, who was ignoring him, when the shotgun went off and blew the incompetent assassin in half.

Far Queue symbol More victim culture—sexism by men is driving women nutz, the Xperts reckon. That's both the women on the receiving end of the sexism and the ones who feel offended, undervalued and invisible when the sexists ignore them.
bulletThe conclusion has upset the racialism industry as it feels that even thinking about this issue deprives their cause of the constant attention which it craves and feels entitled to command.

We're all doomed!
The nation's police farces are on the receiving end of even more derision after recommending that their potential customers should pack a disaster backpack of essentials for use during the anticipated nationwide rioting, which will follow Brexit.

Two fingersHe's cool with it
Former cricketer Mr. G. Botham doesn't give a toss about the self-publicists who are moaning about the K, which he received in TheRazor May's farewell honours list, but he is still peeved about the stitch-up which he suffered in the French courts. So that's the matter settled. A line drawn in the sand. Move along, there's nothing to see.

zombie Corbyn Buggering Britain back to the glory days of the 1970s
Unemployment is at its lowest for 45 years and wages are rising healthily. But O.J. Corbynski has a plan for putting a stop to all that if he's made PM.
    He will give trade unions police powers allowing them to arrest company bosses and managers for imagined offences against the shirking class and close down businesses. Which will leave the staff free to go to rallies in support of Corbyn Zombie Labour if they don't have a job to go to.

Far Queue symbol Just to be absolutely accurate—the Border Force doesn't ‘stop' migrants at sea. It intercepts them and gives them a free ride to England.

Solar panels reach top 10 swindles list
What do we have to follow the now busted flush of PPI swindles? Compensation for mis-selling of solar panels, which are not delivering the promised rewards; or no rewards at all, in some case. Banks which handed out loans as part of the swindles will be taking another big hit.

The words ‘cow’ and ‘cash’ come to mind
Gooble has replaced Russia as the Evil Empire. The online advertising gang is under investigation in all but a handful of the states of the US for unfair business practices. US regulators have their eyes on the $50 BILLION per year which Gooble rakes in, and they see great potential for extracting a big chunk of it by applying the sort of unfair business practice penalties which have raised BILLIONs of euros for the EbloodyU.

There's only so much cash sloshing around . . .
. . . which means that the people demanding a bridge between Larne in Ulster and Portpatrick in Scotland are going to be out of luck . . . unless . . .
    BFN would like to suggest a solution. 5,000 supporters of the bridge versus 5,000 supporters of H2S in a televised pitched battle and the last man/woman/whatever standing gets to pick—the bridge or H2S. It's the democratic way!

zombie Corbyn Impoverishing Britain
£900 BILLION of private sector funds has sneaked abroad from Britain since the Brexit referendum to make sure that a future Corbynist Labour government will be unable to steal it via punitive taxation to raise funds to hand to the Labour party's cronies and the grand army of benefit-dependent cannon fodder.
reader comment“Quite how Labour will service all those cash-hungry dependents when the idiots in charge have driven the wealth-generators into Xile and/or Xtinction remains one of the eternal mysteries of pollytics**.” A.B.
[** Party hacks spouting meaningless slogans without having the slightest idea what the words mean or caring when they make no sense. Ed.]

bulletQ: How do you escape going to gaol for serious and serial benefits fraud?
bulletA: Create a cartoon character which the soft-hearted judge's offspring adore.

bullet Today's Apt Twinning Suggestion—Caveat in Alaska with Emptor in Somerset.

bulletQ: Who invented cheese?
bulletA: Not the Frogs or the Eyeties, it was the ancient Brits, the Xperts have decided.

reader comment“We hear about things starting up all the time but never the converse, stopping down. A good start to a stopping down campaign would be one waged against the Bremoaners, who are wasting hundreds of thousands of pounds of taxpayers' money in the courts.” H.T.S.


Where the invasion will come from?
Astronomers @ University College London have spotted a planet with water in the atmosphere and a surface temperature which would be acceptable to Earth-like creatures.
    Is there anyone there looking back at us? It's unlikely. The planet is practically scraping the surface of its red dwarf star, whizzing round it 11 times during the course of a year on Earth. It is also twice the size of Earth, with 8x Earth's mass and correspondingly greater gravity, and a thick, soupy atmosphere.
    No life has been detected on the planet, but that is not surprising as the necessary technology to spot life there is unavailable on Earth.

cross symbol Forgetting to cancel trials of unwanted online services when the free trial period runs out is costing negligent Brits a total of £800 MILLION per year.

Payback time
The Combined Joint Task Force in the Middle East, which is seeing off the terrorist gang Daesh, got to practice carpet bombing on an island in the river Tigris, which terrorists were using as a hideout. Q'anus Island got its bomb carpet on the eve of the 18th anniversary of the 9/11 terror attack on the United States by the Bin Laden Bunch.

tick symbol The o'besity timebomb has Xploded, the Xperts reckon. Which means that we're all doomed. But on the up--side, we don't need to worry about Brexit any more.

Time to shape up
Teachers have been found wanting. They are too soft on disruptive yobs. Thus trainees are to be given instruction in the use of a vigorous clip round the ear and a cattle prod if putting on a fierce exterior fails to impress.

More politics of envy
The Diversity Mob is up in arms over Health Sec. M. Hancock's desire to restore the good old British institution of duty-free alcohol and tobacco after Brexit.
    The diversifiers fear outbreaks of jealousy, and even riots, when those who are not in a position to go booze-cruising claim that their 'uman bluddy rights are being infringed by letting people who can afford to do it go booze-croozing when they can't.

Marriage crisis in Britain
Young women are refusing to get hitched and the marriage rate is at an all-time low. What are they doing instead? Going to university to get a degree, a mountain of debt and no chance of a job which lives up to their expectations. As a spin-off, staff at registry offices face redundancy and divorce lawyers are in despair, fearing that they might have to start working for a living.

BS Baffles Brains on the road to SNAFU
The British Army is to be drowned in greenwash to make it sustainable, friendly to The Planet and somewhere a Snoflake can work without going Xtinct. Part of the plan involves replacing all of the vehicles which are currently run using fossil fuels, which means electric tanks in the future.
    Also, the use of chemicals—explosives, propellants for bullets and shells, etc.—will be banned. As a result, the greenwashed Army will be able to operate only in areas with an extensive and reliable power grid so that vehicles and electric weapons can be recharged on demand.

Wimp Power
The current plague of girly swots @ Bailiol College, Oxen, want to ban former inmate B. Johnson from visiting the college because they are worried about being exposed to someone from the real world, who might upset them by not agreeing with whatever nutty ideas they are currently subscribing to.

Far Queue symbol Another good reason for not letting the 21 Bremoaner Tory traitors back into the party's ranks is that it will keep Ruddy Amber on the naughty step with them.

cross symbol Dave the Ditched Leader's 800-grand-advance book is about to go on sale. Bets are now being taken on how soon it will be available for £3.50 from Postscript or Bibliophile Books.

bullet Oh, no! There's another ticking time bomb, the health Xperts reckon—e-ciggies.

Worst-Case, Won't Happen Wibble
reader comment“Operation YellowFear is a typical piece of civil service wibble. 'Some foods will be in short supply in the event of a No Deal Brexit'? Which ones? No information offered.
    “Typical lazy bloody scaremongering. One thing we can be sure of is that nothing essential will vanish and there will always be alternatives for everything else.” S.J.

reader comment“The British public has been told enough lies by politicians in the last couple of decades to keep everyone else cynical for a couple of lifetimes.” R.W.

Another reason why the current generation of kids is heading for Xtinction is that 75% of them can sleep through a smoke alarm, putting them at risk of being burnt to the ground if they live in a home which has one of the 435,000 tumble dryers which are liable to burst into spontaneous combustion when they have accumulated enough fluff in their works.

Undeclared interest?
Far Queue symbol The boss of the Met, C. Dick, doesn't think the coppers who fell for the 'Nick' child murder fantasies should be investigated. Why not? Because she's one of them.

Anyone remember YACD?
Nobody is impressed by Dave the Dumped Leader's Brexit wobbly. He created the mess and ran away, leaving TheRazor to make it into a disaster zone.
reader comment“Anyone would think he has a book to plug.” G.S.

tick symbol Finally, a judge with a bit of sense! He refused to buy a claim by a veggie that his fad amounts to a religion and people being disparaging about it infringes his 'uman bluddy rights. Compensation denied.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

 WEEK 3 

What do the party conferences tell us?
The Liberals want criminals to see the police as friendly helpers and prisons to be holiday retreats with as much internet access as the convicts can use. And no women in gaol, of course, even though that's abuse of the 'uman bluddy rights of male criminals. They also want to cancel Brexit and ignore the inconvenient referendum result.
   Labour wants to revive Gordon F. Broon's plan to steal all the cash from people who have it now to give to the unfortunate and plain losers to bribe them to vote Labour. And O.J. Corbynski's motto is "Principles are for loser".

bullet Car manufacturers are conspiring to give up on the good old manual handbrake. Which means that if the battery is flat or the electrics fail, no brakes for parking on a hill.

CFL logo Friday Nite Football: The Redblacks in BC. A 52-yard pass, Reilly to Durant, put the Lions 0-7 up after 5 plays. Lemon sacked the RBs 2 & out. Lemon lining up offside cost BC a defensive TD after 8 minutes. He was redeemed a bit when Dozier made a pick, which led to a TD for 89 Carter, 0-14. BC started a drive in FG range but Reilly was picked on a 2nd & 16 throwing in to a traffic jam.
    The RBs started Q2 with a fake punt which was a huge success—until it was called back for a technical penalty and they had to punt for real. With 2 minutes to go to half time, BC lost the ball to a forced fumble at the RB 18. The visitors were sacked 2 & gone. A run by Reilly to FG range, on to the RB 3, TD for Reilly, 0-21 at the half.
    Another sack by Lemon made the RBs punt in Q3. The Lions lined up offside on a RB 3rd & 1! and let the visitors kick a FG for 3-21 in the 7th minute. The RBs did nothing with a pick a couple of minutes later. DPI in the RB goal @ 00 on the clock kept the quarter going until Reilly had scored another TD. 3-28.
    The RBs reached the red zone half way through Q4, only to go out on downs at the BC 4 when Jennings was sacked @ the 12. The Lions scored a rouge from a punt with 1:15 left. The Lions got the ball via a pick with 58 seconds to go. They gave up a safety to run the clock down to a handful of ticks. 5-29 final and the first home win of the season for the Lions' fans.

cross symbol The Man has finally got tough with hotel booking websites. They are no longer allowed to tell porkies to punters and they have to display the true cost of a booking rather than a false come-on figure with buckets of Xtras in the small print. How will the poor darlings ever survive?

Literary wibblemongers to dig deeper?
How much further can the luvvies go to spice up their ‘memoirs'? Buckets of booze, drugs by the ton, rape claims, shoplifting, failed suicides? Everyone's done that. About the only next step available is a claim that the alleged author of the tosh is a trisexual paedophile bank robber in her spare time. That might work . . . for about 5 minutes.

Delusions of nobility
Attention all minor celebs who don't know which sex they are—no, we're not going to call you ‘they', which is plural, like the Royal ‘We'. We're just going to call you ‘twit'. In the singular. Or, more probably, twat.

tick symbol Neanderthals were able to give care in the community to disabled and ancient members of their society, the Xperts reckon. Maybe they should be put in charge of the NHS instead of the current gang of H. Sapiens waxworks.

Far Queue symbol Apparently, the Warmists think the world will end at the close of play in 2025. Just like it was supposed to end in December 2012. And all the other times previously.

bullet Apparently, there's a national sport in the United States called ‘swatting'. What happens is a bored teenager makes a bogus 911 call and gets a SWAT team sent to assault someone else's home. Presumably, in the hope that the target will be shot by an over-eager cop.

NFL Sunday: The Vikings in Green Bay
Two touchdowns and the recovery of a fumble forced on the Vikings in Q1, then another TD to start Q2 put the Packers 0-21 up. Welcome to Rambo Field, you guys from Minnesota!
    Then Cook went 75 yards through Swiss Cheese for a TD and the Vikings' defence got a grip. The score was 10-21 at half time and the Green Bay offence was unable to score in the second half. The Vikings managed a TD with a missed convert, 16-21 final.
   A 2-0 start to the new season, wear your lump of cheese on your bonce with pride, you Packer fans!

It only hurts when I cough

"It only hurts
when I cough."

What do minor celebs have to do to get themselves noticed these days?
Turning up at a bash with fake blood splashed on your frock to make it look like you were shot by a stalker is now passé How about the old arrow through the neck gag? Or the old axe stuck in your bonce? Or some variation of the above?

cross symbol The nation's Chief Inspector of Constabulary has declared Britain's criminal justice system dead in a ditch. Something else we have to thank New Labour for.

Insult erased
A solid gold toilet has been burgled from exhibition @ Blenheim Palace. Claimed to be a work of art, the bog had the title America as a 2-fingered salute to the American dream.
    We used the past tense in the previous sentence as the thieves are believed to have melted the contrivance down and recast it in more wieldy chunks to erase a disgraceful slur on the good name of God's Country.

CFL logo Saturday Nite Football #1: The Tigercats in Calgary, where they haven't won for 14 years. Neither side looked like scoring in the first 5 minutes. The Cats kicked a FG after 7 minutes. Same again after 11 minute. One for the Stampeders in the 14th minute, 6-3.
    Give the ball to Speedy B in Q2! TD, +2, 14-3. The Stamps managed a FG in the last minute of the half, and so did the Cats. 17-6. Plus a rouge from the Q3 kick off, 18-6. The Stamps lost a TD to holding, FG instead, 18-9. A pick by the Stamps inspired a . . . FG, 18-12. A fumble recovery by the Stamps after 13 minutes led to a missed FG.
    The Cats missed a FG in Q4. Finally, a TD for the home team, 18-19. with 6 minutes to go. The Stamps blocked a FG try in the last minute; Roberson managed to make himself about 12 feet tall! The End.

Far Queue symbol The EbloodyU's bosses have revealed that they see their corrupt empire as being as secure as the Chateau d'If, where the Count of Monte Cristo was incarcerated by Alexandre Dumas. Let us hope that Britain's Brexiteers can be as successful as the Count with their escape attempt.

bullet The Prime Minister has a secret plan to keep Brexit on track. Which really bugs the Hell out of everyone who has not been admitted to the secret, especially journos and others with special entitlement needs.

Far Queue symbol The Liberals are willing to form a coalition government—but not with either the Tories or Labour. Maybe Angela Mherkel could give them a shot.

reader comment“We keep hearing about how brave the people of the Bahama Islands are as they struggle with the aftermath of Hurricane Dorian. But one does have to wonder why they're not busting a gut to move to somewhere safer.
    “I blame it on their ancestors, who were too dim to grasp the fact that the islands are okay as a brief stopover when the weather is okay but a really stoopid place to live if you can't afford to build a nuclear-attack-grade hurricane bunker.” T.C.

reader comment“Big mistake—O.J. Corbynski trying to prove he's fit as a fiddle by 'running' a couple of yards for the press cameras at the weekend just gone and making a total bog of it.” F.D.

Far Queue symbol "Another 40 migrants try to cross the Channel" said the headline. What wasn't added was that they succeeded with the help of the UK Border Rescue Outfit.

cross symbol If you live in Labour's heartland, you will die around 16 years before the more favoured people who live in Tory paradises or the unfairly subsidized Labour enclaves in the south of England. The Universe works in mysterious ways.

The 'smart' meters, which were going to save consumers thousands of pounds off their energy bills, have turned out to be as stoopid as the politicians who wished them on an ungrateful nation.
    And rather than save money, the fiasco is on target to cost British energy consumers £30 BILLION by the time the whole idea is binned.
reader comment“No surprise that the dishonesty continues. Politicians and their hirelings are still insisting that these meters will save money and also save the environment—which is total bollux.” B.N.

cross symbol The Last Night of the Proms used to be a celebration of good music. The BBC has succeeded in making it all about the Bremoaner cause and a platform for perverse lifestyles, and sod the music. How very New Labour.

Hope springs eternal
No doubt the London fire brigade officers who presided over the Grenfell Towering Inferno will be hoping that the police officers who question them about their conduct on that night will be the whitewash squad which did such a good job on the Metropolitan Police officers who fell for 'Nick' the paedophile's fantasies.

Soap bubble bursts
TV soap operas are facing Xtinction because they have lost contact with reality. The public are rejecting the outlandish plot lines and the pretence that the bizarre behaviour, weird beliefs and strange lifestyles of the characters have anything to do with how normal people live.

legal zombiePublic Prostitutions
We are told that what are supposed to be the best legal minds in the country are appearing in the Supreme Court over the government's right to prorogue Parliament.
    Let us hope that we are not expected to treat with respect, the ones who are being paid by Bremoaners to attempt to pervert the course of justice.

Liberal zombieNutcase of the Week—
Liberal leader J. Swinson, who thinks she has a chance of becoming prime minister.
reader comment“There's ordinary political crap and there's the party conference variety, which takes the brakes right off.” R.W.

cross symbol theGrauniad editorial sneering at Dave the X-Leader and claiming the death of his son, Ivan, didn't bother Dave just confirms that bad people do do bad things all the time because that's all they're capable of doing.

Half the truth is all you get—and not the good half ever
Global warming will deprive the UK of 40% of its fruit and vegetable imports, the doom mongers claim. What they're frantically trying to ignore is that a warmer climate here will let us bridge the gap with home-products. Especially if urban hydroponiculture takes off.

tick symbol Another reason why the Xtinctionists don't have to worry about gorbal warming is that they're getting fat and diabetes, which will see them off long before The Planet can get them.

Just another lefty-weirdo racialist fantasy
If the Liberals can get themselves into power, they will oblige everyone with a white skin to get and maintain a dark suntan and spend at least 4 hours per week apologizing to members of ethnic minorities and weird cults as part of the Liberal diversity agenda.

The Pointless and the Prethetic
This country is full of sad people who have nothing better to do with themselves than read car number plates in the hope of seeing something about which they can confect outrage. Perhaps the saddest are the ones who shake a wee fist at a car with the number plate BRX 54IT.

Bozos everywhere
Robots will put most people out of work, the Xperts at the Bonk of England have concluded. Next thing you know, the Xperts @ Westminster are claiming we need lotz more robots to keep jobs secure. Yet another confirmation of the validity of Arthur C. Clarke's Fourth Law.

bulletQ: How does a doctor get away with groping female customers (for a while)?
bulletA: He claims he's just checking them for concealed weapons in these dangerous times.

reader comment“Okay, Dave, we've got it. You bogged up badly over Brexit and you're bent out of shape. But hey, get over it, man, because life goes on, even if it's without you pretending to be in charge. And no, we're not going to plough through 752 pages of your book.” R.W.

CFL logo Saturday Nite Football #2: the Alouettes in Regina. The Roughriders had to punt and a botched return put the Als at their 1? Nope, a penalty meant a re-kick and, despite another botch, the Als started from their 30. Was that a fumble returned for a TD by the RR on the first play by the Als? No, an incomplete pass. Then the Als went 2 & out.
    FGs after 12 minutes and 2 minutes and 5 minutes in to Q2 put the Als 9-0 up. A huge pass to Evans got the Riders to FG range and they finished with a TD for Powell. 9-7 half way through Q2. An SK FG try in the 11th minute missed. Cue the first of a series of punch-ups. The RR got another FG try in the last minute and went in at half time 9-10 up.
    The Als reached the SK 4 in the 9th minute of Q3, TD for Stanback, +2, plus a rouge from the kick off, 18-10. The Riders started Q4 with a TD by Fajardo, who rushed for the +2, 18-all. A TD for Powell put the Riders ahead, the convert missed, 18-24 in the 4th minute. The Als went 25-24 up with a TD after 8 minutes. SK reached FG range in the last minute and Lauther didn't miss, 25-27. Not enuff time left for the Als to get to FG range.

bullet The Saudis have gathered truckloads of remains from Iranian drones and missles to confirm the source of the attacks on their oil installations. President Trump is in 'watch and wait but locked and loaded' mode.

Allah's Thunder by Henry T. SmithStill relevant after all these years:

Allah's Thunder by Henry T. Smith

"Iran posed a serious threat to the world order at a time when the USA and post-communist Russia sought a new world balance of power. Iranian-backed terrorists believed that they had a divine right to kidnap and kill US citizens . . ."
That's how the blurb began for a novel written back in 1988. That's what still happening 30 years later.
In the book, the CIA comes up with a brilliant idea for solving the problem. Which just happens to mesh with what a Russian general considers to be the greatest engineering project of all time.

Available in paperback from

More Conference Crapola
Far Queue symbol Labour's contemptible Chancellor wannabe is on course for a clash with the posh end of his party via his wish to abolish all private schools, which is where posh Labourites always send their offspring. [And some not so posh ones if the public purse can be milked. Ed.] He is also in line for accusations of depriving the pleb end of the party of one of its fave whinges.
reader comment“Three words for that—’uman bluddy rights.” V.F.
reader comment“No doubt Old McDonnell is also in favour of rewinding Labour's constitution a century to the 1917 original to 'legitimize' theft of all of the nation's assets.” A.K.
reader comment“How very Gordon Broon of him, but see the first comment.” V.F.
reader comment“Interesting to see that some of the Corbidiot luvvies want to chuck out the deputy leader, a.k.a. the Nonce Finder General, for pretending to be against anti-Semitism. Nice to see them taking a stand against hypocrisy. Or pretending to.” N.K.

cross symbol O. Salem—a man distressed by his daughter's hospital treatment from the NHS or a Labour stooge confecting outrage for the cameras at the prime minister's expense? A mere glance at the facts of the matter reveals that he's the latter.
    The hospital he complained about was an utter disaster area when Labour was in government and the Tories have thrown millions of pounds at it. No wonder the looney left want the journalist who exposed Salem's agenda to be sacked to avoid further embarrassment for their poisonous cause.

Posturing Pillock
The PM of Luxembourg takes a pop at PM Boris on behalf of the EbloodyU. Some attack dog if he's the guy in charge of a country which contributes zero euros to the EbloodyU budget—as opposed to the massive amount that comes from the UK—and has a long history of financial dodginess. Still, his behaviour proves yet again that badly trained animals do bite the hand that feeds them. Far Queue, scumbag!
reader comment“Or the biggest brats make the most noise.” O.I.

bullet Debrette, the master of etiquette, has decided to offer a code of conduct for interweb communications—which boils down to 'don't be a wiseguy twat and don't think anyone will be impressed by yards of wibble.'

reader comment“BA pilots are calling off a strike to save the brand? No doubt the Spanish owners of the airline will be impressed. Or not. No one here is buying that BALPA has suddenly seen the light and turned responsible.” F.P.

The bottom is the bottom is the bottom
The claim by ex-spook Vic Vescovo that he went deeper in the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean that film director James Cameron (68 mm deeper, was it?) is rather ludicrous. It's like one climber claiming he got higher up Mount Everest than another punter because a) he's taller and b) he stood on tip-toe.
    Further, the difference is well within the error limits for measuring depth in the oceans. That margin can be quite significant if the diver isn't using a piece of string 6.8 miles long to get an absolutely accurate measurement of depth. In addition, Vic the Spook issuing a revised figure for the depth he claims he reached doesn't do much for his credibility.

Future austerity measure, black day for people traffickers
It has been suggested that if Labour ever ruins the economy again [or when Ed.], the Border Farce will lose its boats as part of The Cuts and be reduced to five diverse staff members, who will hand out ferry tickets to migrant wannabes in France to spare the nation the cost of collecting them in mid-Channel.

Headache coming for Dave
Having upset the Queen with his boasting in the cause of plugging his book, Dave the Ex-Leader can expect a visit from the court official Black Dog, who will deliver one or more vigorous slaps to the back of Dave's bonce with the aid of a chainmail glove.

Xtinction is avoidable
We keep hearing that high street shops and stores are withering away thanks to unfair business rates and artificially low costs for online companies. One way for high street retailers to restore their fortunes would be to resist the desire of the morons in Westminster to abolish cash by making it available to customers via free-to-use ATMs and by continuing to provide check-outs with people who can take cash and give change.

Xtinction is desirable for some
Shock-horror! Canada's okay-ya, right-on PM is being Weensteened over wearing an Afro wig and black make-up when he was a schoolkid and donning Arabian garb with appropriate face paint 30 years ago for a fancy dress do.
    BFD. He has the perfect defence should he have the courage to deploy it. He can claim he was a real person indulging in a spot of fun back in the 20th century rather than the tedious, HUTAgonian hippocritical** politician, into which he has developed.
reader comment“But that would deny him the role of being a sinner who repents and makes everyone love him for doing so.” D.C.
[** that's a really HUGE hypocrite. Ed.]

Weasel words deployed?
The boss of the EbloodyU Commission, J.C. Druncker, is now making noises about a Brexit deal with the UK being possible. How much free booze he'd guzzled before opening his gob was not revealed.
    The Irish Teashop, who has been threatening to send his IRA bombers back to England, is also pretending to have become reasonable. The motive behind that has not been revealed. Unless he was at the same booze-up as old Druncker?

Far Queue symbol Surprise!! That international day against climate change yesterday doesn't seem to have achieved anything at all! So it was just silly kids bunking off school again, was it? Apart from the shirkers who took a half-hour skive because their union bosses assured them it would save The Planet.
reader comment“Part of the problem could be that the self-appointed Warmist leaders didn't offer any constructive suggestions about what to do in the 30 minutes of 'action' which would have had the slightest effect on the climate. But doing anything constructive has never been the Warmists' strong suit.” R.W.

cross symbol After years of mismanagement and debt accumulation, travel firm Thomas Cook is plugging down the gohole. The firm seems to be going the same way as Saga, but racing ahead a bit.

Lord PicnicFar Queue symbol Isn't it amazing how many Bremoaners and their hirelings, e.g. Lord Picnic, QC [Queer Customer, Ed., with a nod in the direction of Crumpled of the Bailey], are starting to look like the Berko zombie?

The Out-Of-Its
Despite The Cuts, record numbers of people in Britain are able to afford more Class A drugs than is good for them. The biggest growth rate is in the 16-24 age group, which could explain why some 20% of kids who stay on at school to 18 leave without even achieving a basic level of qualifications.

Far Queue symbol The stream of bile from Labour activist Boris Heckler's apologists after his complaints were exposed as confections confirms what Corporal Jones used to tell us—'They don't like it up 'em!'

 WEEK 4 

CFL logoFriday Nite Football #1: the Stamps in Toronto. Lots of defence then Williams put the Stamps ahead with a TD sprint after 8 minutes. A pick in the 14th minute set up another TD for the Stamps at the end of Q1. 14-0.
    The Argos were sacked to a punt at the start of Q2. The Stamps came back with a FG, 17-0. Would the Argos do anything with a pick? They were stopped at the CS 2, FG, 17-3 after 8 minutes. The Stamps kicked a FG in the final minute of the half, 20-3.
    A pick in goal stopped the CS opener of Q3. B-T was sacked for the 5th time in revenge, punt by the Argos. They managed a FG after 11 minutes, 20-6. Franklin came on for B-T at the end of Q3. A FG with 9 minutes left put the Stamps 3 scores ahead @ 23-6. Another sack by the Stamps, a FG for the Argos, 23-9. Walker scored a TD with 2 minutes left, 23-16. Then the Stamps ate the rest of the clock.

“Today I am standing here
as your candidate
to be Prime Zombie.”
Liberal zombie

A sort of symmetry . . .
Labour claim we have the worst Tory government in modern history. How fitting that their ‘worst' also applies to the current Opposition and the Liberals.

When plugging a book, tell us something we don't know
Is anyone surprised to learn from BBC pensioner J. Humphreys, now permanently free, that the Beeb is a loopy left stronghold? No, having been paying attention, we've known it . . . forever. Paradoxically, the BBC can exist only in a democracy, despite having nothing to do with this institution. A Putinocracy, on the other hand, would have all the loonies in gaol as enemies of the State.
reader comment“Same with a Cleggocracy, from all reports.” S.V.

cross symbol The Met has appointed a top copper with convictions for bullying his staff in charge of its Professionalism department. And no one is surprised. Only giving the job to someone demonstrating the highest levels of integrity, calm-headedness and clear thinking would have raised eyebrows. Mainly from amazement that there is anyone like that in the tarnished ranks of the Police of the Metropolis.

CFL logo Friday Nite Football #2: No score in the Ticats @ Edmonton when we arrived with 8 minutes gone. No Harris for the Eskimos. Speedy B went 42 yards for a TD, +2, 8-0. A pick stopped the Esks at their 51. A TD pass to Tucker as the next play, 15-0. Adams took a pass 76 yards through Swiss cheese, no +2, 21-0.
   Three more for the Cats with a FG half-way through Q2. Another pick for the Cats, one back by the Esks. The Esks ended up with 5 seconds to score a TD from the TC 6 and made it, 24-7 at half time, when it was Ricky Ray Night and No. 15 was added to the Wall of Honour.
    The Cats missed a FG after 7 minutes of Q3; it was returned to their 15 by Jones! Just a FG for the Esks from it. A fumble recovery put the Esks at the TC 35. A spectacular catch by Ellingson in goal, 24-17 after 11 minutes.
    Gable reached the TC 1 in Q4, TD despite 13 Cats on the field, 24-all, 12 minutes left. Both teams kicked a FG, the Esks doing it in the 14th minute. Booo! The Cats kicked a 34 yarder @ 00 on the clock, 30-27 final.

Wee Burney zombiecross symbol The Scottish government is working another swindle on English taxpayers. It is requesting millions from the contingency fund for a No Deal Brexit but planning to spend the money on social care and in other areas of the public sector which have been neglected and under-funded by the SNP regime, rather than preparations for a No Deal Brexit.

Far Queue symbol The State of Israel and Corbyn's deputy, T. Nonce Finder Watson, have the same number of friends @ the Labour party conference—zero. Both are appalling in ways which are incompatible with the appalling Corbynnies.

Far Queue symbol As usual, the Corbidiots have bogged up. They have been trying to abolish the post of deputy leader instead of the appalling current incumbent, T. Nonce Finder Watson.

Off target, but who cares?
The director of a TV play about the nuclear power plant melt-down @ Chernobyl reckons he wanted to film his piece of entertainment in Russia but the powers-that-be wouldn't wear it. Presumably, he was after somewhere a bit less radioactive than the actual melt-down site in Ukraine.

tick symbol Good news about the Irish border—we won't have to spend any of our cash on building the barricades and ditches post-Brexit. The EbloodyU Commission boss, J.C. Druncker, has announced that the EbloodyU will build the fortifications.

tick symbol £1 BILLION is to be syphoned off from the toxic, mismanaged overseas aid budget and thrown at the global warming industry in Britain.

reader comment“Say what you like about Donald Trump—and you will!—he's been a breath of fresh air among the waxworks, crooks and HUTAgonians of the political world. The real world has become a better place for his presidency, which has told us that real people can get in the way of the self-absorbed gangsters and stooges occasionally.” R.W.

cross symbol Bad news for sex addicts—the Xperts reckon they know what causes it and they're working on a fix.
reader comment“This is terrible news for anyone who's involved in organizing next year's copularity contests..” E.F.

We don't wanna be fried!
Some people don't want a 5G mobile phone network if it is based on technology from the Chinese firm Wahwei, which is seen by the government in the United States and elsewhere as a major security risk.
   In Switzerland, the people are taking to the streets and organizing petitions to tell their government they would rather not put themselves at the mercy of the unprecedented health and environmental risks from 5G electromagnetic radiation compared to that from previous generations of mobile phone technology.
    A number of studies of the likely health outcomes from exposure to the RF fields involved are ongoing, but none is expected to report anytime soon.
bullet No sign of the teenage Xtinctionists being bothered by 5G just yet.

The spirit of Gordon F. Broon lives on; unfortunately
The Labour party, if elected to office, is planning to blow £7 BILLION on abolishing private schools, as the Russians did in East Germany in 1945, and raise taxes by more than £6 BILLION to pay for free care for some of the elderly—mainly the sort of people who vote Labour.
    Hard luck, NHS, that's the Brexit Dividend gone for a burton.

cross symbol Years ago, when he was mayor of London, PM Boris met a lady who has been convicted of the heinous crimes of having blonde hair and doing pole dancing. Shock-horror! No danger of O.J. being able to come up with anything as interesting in his past, though. Such is life.

Far Queue symbol O.J. Corbynski is denying that he is a political chad and that he would lead Labour to its biggest defeat in the history of general elections. So now you know.

reader comment“You have to wonder what was going on the mind of the Corbynski aide, who flounced out saying he couldn't take the blizzard of lies and lack of human decency any more.
    “It's the Labour party, sunshine! What else was he expecting? And how stoopid does he think the rest of us are? No one is buying his story that he's suddenly grown a conscience.” J.D.
reader comment“Maybe the lies weren't vicious enough or O.J. wasn't using enough of the ones the flouncer was creating.” F.N.

Brilliant Reader Offer!!
The Daily Mail is offering readers a chance to save more than 50% on a copy of Dave the Ex-Leader's book. BFN would like to offer readers a chance to save 100% of the cost of the book by advising them not to buy it and spend the 12 quid they would have blown on the DM offer on something decent.

Only in the Silly Season . . .
Could O.J. Corbynski be forced out of the Labour party? Given his lifelong opposition to the evil empire that is the EbloodyU, a man of principle couldn't stay in a party which ordered him to back Bremoan.
    But then, O.J. ain't exactly a man of principle. Problem solved, security of employment maintained and snout still thrust in the trough.

supreme court spiderFar Queue symbol If the Supreme Court is siding with the Bremoaners to give them the right to ignore the wishes of the British electorate, then everyone else has to be entitled to ignore the Supreme Court's wishes. Fair's fair.
reader comment“If this was the best legal minds in the country in action, that certainly explains why the justice system, and the legal trade generally, have fallen in to so much disrepute.” T.J.
reader comment“This fake news stuff must be really good if the Supreme Court can't spot it and can confuse wibble with fact.” anon
reader comment“Why should the Attorney General be obliged to resign for telling the Cabinet that the decision to prorogue Parliament was neither unlawful nor unconstitutional? It wasn't when he gave the advice, which remained valid until the Supreme Court shifted the goal posts.” R.W.

That thing about no lead is safe? It’s true!!
CFL logo SNF #1: the Blue Bombers, in Montreal, launched a 6-minute drive to a TD for Streveler. The Als took the kick off back 58 yards to FG range, and that's all they got, 7-3. The BB made a 3rd & 1 on the way to a TD for Harris toward the end of the quarter, 14-3.
    Streveler went 38 yards with great blocking for another TD in Q2, 21-3 after 4 minutes. The Als put their foot down and put Adams into the BB goal in the 7th minute, 21-10. Wildcat by the BB, Adams fired a pass from the WPG 35, Harris down at the MTL 1, TD for Streveler, 28-10.
   Adams of the Als was sacked, fumbled, TD for Wilson of the BB. Medlock missed the convert!!! 34-10, 4:27 left. The Als got nowhere but got the ball back via a pick to the BB 23. On to a TD for Matthews, 34-17. The Bombers kicked a FG 5 minutes in to Q3, 37-17.
    The Als were sacked out of FG range. Their next drive was stopped by a posse sack on Adams. The home team finished the quarter at the WPG 44. Adams rushed to FG range but he fired another TD pass to Matthews on a 3rd down. 37-24 in the 5th minute of Q4. A FG try by Medlock hit the post for nowt. Over 8 minutes left.
    The Bombers punted and stopped the Als via a pick by Hecht. A 29-yard TD for Posey got the Als to 37-31. The BB were sacked to a punt with 1:02 to go. The Als had to travel 100 yards for a TD. Adams was splatted, but he made a 3rd & 3. Grey got to the BB 15 with 19 seconds left. TD for Wieneke, 37-38 with 6 seconds left. The Als pull off a miracle win!

The war on customer contact
cross symbol At the present rate of attrition, the UK will be free of bank branches by 2029. And if the government doesn't buck its ideas up, the Post Office network will be Xtinct, too.

Far Queue symbol What a shame! Greenhouse Greta's luxury yacht wasn't overwhelmed by an Atlantic storm and she got to do a whinge @ the UN, blaming everyone else in the world for her obsessive compulsions. At least President Trump had a kind word for the troubled soul.

cross symbol Be very ware if you go to Cornwall. Sheep- and goat-eating pineapple cousin plants from Chile have invaded the wilds of that wild county.

Far Queue symbol The Warmists in Austria are hoping that a sustained campaign of scare-mongering will revive their flagging fortunes after they were wiped out in the last national election.

CFL logo SNF #2: The Lions in the nation's capital. The Redblacks reached the BC 5 but they went out on downs by a chain-length! The Lions conceded a safety, 0-2. White had a walk-in TD for the Lions at the end of the quarter, 7-2.
    A TD for Johnson a couple of minutes in to Q2 from a pass thrown by 89 Carter! 14-2. The RBs got a pick in the 10th minute but did nothing with it. The Lions kicked a FG in the 14th minute, and another as the half ran out for 20-2.
    A huge pass to Burnham gave him 99 yards for the game, then a TD for Carter, 27-2. Great catch by Dedmon at the BC 15, but there was a pick by the Lions on the next play! A 42 yard FG for the Lions after 8 minutes, 30-2. A great catch play by Harris set up a FG for the RBs. Another FG try a couple of minutes in to Q4 went wide for a single, 30-6.
    Burnham took a TD pass in the RB goal in the 5th minute, 37-6. A pick by Lee set up a FG for the Lions, 40-6 with 7 minutes left. Willis recorded his 100th career sack at the expense of Arndt of the RBs. They scored a rouge from a punt in the 12th minute for 40-7, and that was the end of the scoring. Monster night for the Lions, the Redblacks are still rebuilding, both teams are now 3-10.

Far Queue symbol Sheffield University is about to become a good place to avoid. The virtue-flagging new vice chancellor is going to insist that every student will have to take classes in how to survive in a climate emergency and be exposed to apocalypse-seeking doom-mongers bearing buckets of fake news.
reader comment“Current exam results tell us that The Blob is unable to teach kids how to read, write and do sums. So much for any hope that The Blobists will have anything accurate or sensible to say about climate change.” E.F.

Not just judges playing politics
The Electoral Commission has failed to stitch up Pro-Leave co-founder A. Banks for dodgy financial dealing over the Brexit referendum. The EC is now seems to be trying to get the law changed to ban donations to a cause which the Luvvie Establishment doesn't support.

bullet Overfishing by EU countries in British waters and the Warmists are driving North Sea cod into Xtinction, the Xperts reckon.

The Greta Generation
In the good old days, we got a drop of rain from time to time—when it wasn't raining bombs. In these present Snoflake daze, we have to pretend that every drop of rain we get now comes from a hurricane.
reader comment“And they can't even give their hurricanes proper names. Hurricane Humberto, indeed! What's that all about?” M.R.
reader comment“I almost regret that I won't be still alive 30 years from now to witness Greenhouse Greta's mid-teen daughter throw a wobbly and accuse her mother of destroying her life and The Planet. But only almost.” E.F.

bulletQ: What do you get if you defraud the NHS of £60,000?
bulletA: A suspended gaol sentence and a bill for £500 for costs. Sounds like another great deal from the legal trade for everyone but the taxpayer.

bullet If some nosy copper finds a cannabis plant growing in your garden [yes, we know it will never happen but please go along with the scenario, Ed.], claim it came from someone else's birdseed that was dropped by a bird and nothing to do with you. It might just work.

bullet The Department of Guesswork has come up with an ingenious bogus statistic—one year of worldwide email traffic = a year's emissions from 0.063 billion cars.

tick symbol Contempt of court, the institution, is a criminal offence. Contempt of the bunch of clowns, who have turned the institution into a pantomime, isn't and it is the duty of every right-thinking citizen.
reader comment“Especially the twerp who reckons meat-eating should be worth a gaol sentence.” U.R.

You don't have to be quick on the uptake to be an Xpert
It has taken them long enough but the Xperts have finally got their head around something that people who associate with cats have known for thousands of years. Cats like people as much as dogs like people.
    When in the same room with a human they know, the place the cat wants to be is on the human's lap. And if the owner of the lap leaves the room for a while; maybe to use a computer in another room; the cat will track the person down to do some more socializing.

Impotent rage
O.J. Corbynski faces a mass revolt by Labour supporters if he won't give them a general election? So bloody what. If he won't give them an election, they can moan till the cows come home but there's nothing they can actually do.

Far Queue symbol Why would anyone want Margaret Bucket, 76, as a caretaker anything?

bulletQ: What's wrong with a Republican president of these United States asking a foreign government for information about a Democratic politician exerting improper influence in the foreign country on behalf of his son?
bulletA: Democraps are allowed to get away with anything and must never by embarrassed by inconvenient truths.

Far Queue symbol Former French president J. Chirac is the saviour of the world now he's dead and we should not remember what a crook he was when mayor of Paris.

Berko zombieJust what we need, another dose of BerkoBollux!
Oh, dear, luvvie MPs are moaning that the PM is using inflammatory language for political purposes! Are we supposed to pretend it's not something which has been going on since politics was invented?
    Throwing a wobbly with such a flimsy pretext has to be the last resort of the politically bankrupt and people who have betrayed Britain over Brexit.
reader comment“Labour MP J. Phillips has been outed as a fascist by one of her constituents after humbugging PM Boris in the Commons. ” T.W.
reader comment“Serial sledger Phillips offers further confirmation that they don't like it up 'em. People like her dish it out but they can't take it without throwing a wobbly.” C.B.

Sneak attack?
Is former not-very-good PM J. Major turning into a secret Bremoan saboteur? He seems to be going to great lengths to encourage PM Boris to bypass the Bremoaner No Deal veto, a.k.a. the Surrender Act, by using the Privy Council.
    Major's smoke-screen of faux outrage and indignation is fooling no one.

bullet The woke way to skive off school now is to tell the management you haven't been vaccinated and hope they won't let you in.
reader comment“Will that work for teachers, too?” C.G.

bullet Is anyone surprised that spivvy power companies are swindling gullible customers by sticking a Green premium on ordinary electricity from reliable power stations even when they get none at all from the occasionals like wind farms and solar panels?
   Nope? Thought not.

Don't panic dressed up as PANIC!!!!!
The Warmists at the UN are now predicting that most of the coastal towns around the world will be under water due to man-made gorbal warming by the end of the century.
    But the good news is that Warmist predictions like this are all about shoving other people's money into their pockets. And according to the small print, only towns which are currently less than four feet above sea level will be affected.

Puff & nonsense
The sketch which the artist P. Picasso overpainted with The Old Guitarist is hardly the masterpiece which the news meeja are claiming it is. The reconstruction of the hidden essay on computers at UCL is nothing special and clearly an experiment, which was rejected.
    But, some time in the future, when the overpainting can be peeled off successfully without damage, no doubt some mug will be persuaded to shell out a few zillions for a new addition to the Picasso canon, no matter how unworthy it is.

cross symbol The toothless Ofcom is letting providers of broadband offer cheaper deals to the people they're ripping off on a voluntary basis. Natch, the waxworks @ Ofcom are too dim to realize that only the threat of fines totalling the £1 BILLION being ripped off currently will get any change out of the likes of BT, Sky, Virgin, TalkTalk, EE and Plusnet.

zombie humbugBollocks to biology eventually
A woman who had a baby and is identifying as a man can't be described as the child's father on the birth certificate, the honcho of the Family Division has ruled. But it can't be long before the Luvvie Establishment gets that piece of good sense overturned.

bullet Should the Bride of Daesh S. Begum be allowed in to Britain? Nope. She gave aid and comfort to the enemy, let them look after her. She's 'Not Wanted on Voyage'.

The first cheese-eating surrender monkey gets his come-uppance
zombie humbug Now that he's gone to his reward, the truth about former French president J. Chirac is splatting out—all the buried out of sight corruption stories, the serial humping all the time and everywhere; he even had a shagging suite installed on the French equivalent of Air Force One; and all the stuff the French meeja are not allowed to report on pain of incarceration. A state of affairs which the Westminster humbugs would like to see rushed into law here.

bullet The Cleveland police farce has received the doubtful distinction of being the first to be put into administration for being not much cop in all possible key areas of endeavour. The Chief Con is in full 'not me, Gov' mode.

bulletQ: What do you get if an electric police car chases you in San Francisco?
bulletA: Clean away.

Thursday Night NFL brought us the Eagles in Green Bay
Things started well for the Packers. They stopped the visitors and came back with a touchdown drive. Then the wheels came off and the Eagles were 21-13 up with a minute to go in the first half. But the GB offence put on a sprint and made it 21-20 at half time.
    The wheels came off again in the second half due to a solid Philadelphia defence and Swiss cheese on the GB side. And some rank bad refereeing. Both sides scored a TD in the third quarter. The Eagles went 34-27 up in Q4. With no running game, the Pack went out on downs at the PE 1 yard line trying for a TD. They were close to scoring in the last minute and drawing level but a tipped pass was intercepted in the PE goal. The end.

Not me, Guv!
The Crown Prince of Saudia says he has to carry the can for the murder of the dissident journalist @ the consulate in Turkey, but as it was carried out by rogue agents, the killing was all their fault.
    When asked if it is reasonable that he was unaware of the existence of the rogues, he pointed out that some 15% of his country's population is on the public payroll and it is impossible to keet track of what that many people are up to.
reader comment“No doubt O.J. Corbynsky will be offering to top that 15% with 50% here if Labour wins a general election.” R.W.

bullet Babies should not be encouraged to breathe during their first year of life, the experts reckon, to avoid an early death from the mass of airborne pollutants which their immature bodies can't handle.

reader comment“When Alexander Pope wrote 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing', he was clearly anticipating the arrival of Greenhouse Greta.” B.L.

cross symbol + + + BBC slagged off for ticking off racist attention-seeker + + + Luvvies livid + + + Chancellor Vajid Javid sez: 'this is Xactly the sort of conduct to be Xpected from the attention-seeker' + + +

 WEEK 5 

cross symbol Sun-Life has been around for 200 years, they say in their funeral plan TV ads. So has Thomas Cook, almost. Can we trust the cowboys and grabbers to keep their hands off Sun-Life? Recent experience of big companies going bust overnight says we can't. So how much are these funeral plans really worth?

CFL logo Friday Nite Football! The Tigercats were sent 2 & out in Winnipeg. TD for Harris from the Blue Bomber opener. Addison to the BB 4, procedure, TD Addison, 7-all after 11 minutes. The Cats ended Q1 at the BB 2, time count! to start Q2, FG, 10-7.
    The BB were sacked to a punt. Speedy B went 20 yards to the BB 25 on a 2nd & 15, and he took a TD pass. 17-7. Lots of D then a 52-yard pass put Tucker at the BB 1, TD for Watford, 24-7. The BB had a minute, got a FG, 27-10.
    The BB started Q3 with a FG, 27-13. Lotz of D in to Q4. The Cats took a pick to the BB 1 in the 4th minute, TD for Sutton and the convert missed, 33-13. The Bombers were stopped by a pick by Rolle in the TC goal and there was no more scoring.
    The Cats are the best in the CFL.

reader comment“The revelation of the way the police treated the dying former Home Sec. Lord Brittan confirms, in part, their view about all coppers—the ones at the top are definitely bastards.” L.P.
reader comment“No surprise that ‘Brazilian Killer' Dick, the Commish of the Met, is also a killer of truth, justice and reputations.” A.C.
reader comment“Corbyn's odious deputy, T. Watson, called Lord Brittan ‘as close to evil as it gets' when he was trying to get the former Home Sec. fitted up as a nonce. Watson's conduct, and his own shameless attitude to it, confirm that Watson is as evil as a human being can become.” R.W.

bullet Horse chestnut trees are going extinct in Europe. Stockport council is doing its bit by killing them off in Romiley.

zombie humbugreader comment“All these mainly Labour MPs who are moaning about getting death threats have only themselves to blame. If you behave like a scumbag and/or if you run with a pack of scumbags, other scumbags are going to consider you fair game.” M.J.
reader comment“The House of Stumblebums sounds like an accurate description of the whole lot of them now.” W.T.

bullet The RSPCA has made itself a safe haven for vegan and other Xtremists. Something to consider if you get the urge to donate to a charity. The Notional Trust is also heading in the same direction.

Yet another crisis but, surprise! not one caused by Brexit
Porq sausages are destined to become Xtinct in the UK. Why? Because swine flu has driven the Chinese pig stock almost to Xtinction and Chinese companies are in Europe buying up all the porq they can get their germans on.
    The British answers to the problem are:
1. government intervention to preserve porq stocks for British companies, and
2. a marketing campaign to push chicken sausages and chickenfurters and/or their turkey equivalents as alternatives.

Not before time
The medical trade is finally starting to get a little bit cynical about all the ‘mental health issues' which are being used as an excuse for bad behaviour. Alleged sex addiction and an unhealthy obsession with gorbal warming are typical examples.
reader comment“Let us not lose sight of the simple fact that making the UK carbon-neutral by 2020 or whenever will achieve abso-bloody-lutely nothing in terms of altering The Planet's climate.” M.M.D.

Russian rhubarb
All the good action at the Russian Grand Prix was on the Ferrari radio channels. Leclerc was beefing about Vettel grabbing the lead off him and not following the plan. Vettel wasn't allowed to make a pit stop when he wanted one, and when he was finally allowed to do it, he found his car croaking soon after he rejoined the track and he had to park whilst fusing his bleep machine! VSC.
   Would Louie Samilton, running 3rd behind the Ferraris, benefit from pitting under the VSC? The SC came out again; it had an outing for a crash on lap 1; for another crash rather than a park-up. Suddenly, it was Mercs running first and second.
    What could Leclerc do about that? Not a lot. He finished 3rd, Hamilton won again and he also did the fastest lap for an extra, rub-it-in point.

reader comment“If President Trump told the quartet of Democrap harpies to go back to the country of their ancestors, fix the broken political systems there, then come back to America and tell everyone how they did it, then luvvies here who quote just the first part of the Trump Invitation are definitely guilty of confecting luvvie racism and should be condemned by all right-thinking people. If there are any left.” B.Y.

bulletQ: Why are the Scottish Gnationalists soo eager to keep attention focussed on England and why do they want a general election before the end of this year?
bulletA: Because Mr. Salmonella, their former leader, goes on trial on sexual assault charges in January.
reader comment“And because there is a gaping moral vacuum where the office of First Meenister used to be.” O.W.

bullet To all those who despair of local councils ever making an effort to clean up our cities—you might be surprised to learn that Paris is the official Dirty Dump of Europe. The place is full of fly-tipped rubbish, dossers, druggies, rats, doggie deposits and blokes who pee in the streets.

reader comment“If the storm following Humpberto is called Lorenzo, what happened to Inconclusive and Jumbobumboface?” W.E.

Burneyland down the tubes
Wee Burney zombie One does wonder where the money will come from if the SNP rigs a referendum and creates an independent Scotland. Right now, there's so much that doesn't work after a decade of SNP control in Scotland—education, the justice system, transport via rail, trams and ferries, the NHS, etc., etc.—to name but a few.
    All of the above need lots of cash thrown at them and with no subsidies on offer from English taxpayers; either directly or via the EbloodyU, of which Scotland will no longer be a part; there's only the Putinocracy available for a sub.
    Scotland as the home of Putin's Western Fleet? That's not going to make Wee Burney any friends anywhere other than in Cuba, Venezuela and other Russian client nations.

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, September MM19 like anyone cares