WEEK 1    Pyutrid? Nam nye nado. Nyet voinya! Nyet voinya!

 
Ooops!
President MacRon's attempts to do a dirty deal with Mad Bad V have earned him a lot of points in the ongoing pre-election campaign for the French presidency. Unfortunately for him, they are all Derision Points.

Ignore all the tripe from the Met Office. There is no such thing as meteorological spring; it's just something invented by wonks who can't cope with something starting three-quarters of the way through a month. The season doesn't start for another 3 weeks.

“Typical of the EFU to want to keep Nitupstan in the SWIFT banking payment scam.” L.B.W. Biffed

Behind the scenes
Nitupstan is taking great care over camouflaging the mobile crematoria, which follow its troops into war zones to reduce the cost of shipping dead soldiers home and make it easier for MBV to lie about casualty figures.
   The camouflage campaign is part of the effort to shield the snoflakes in Mad Bad Vlad's army from the grim realities of war and make them think they're involved in nothing more dangerous than a video game.
“If Nitupstan doesn't have a democratically elected government, why should Ukraine have one? That seems to be MBV's delusion.” Mick Stupp

Q: Nitup? Is that your final offer, or will there be another along in a minute?
A: Nit as in nitwit, up as in up yours. Sez it all.

“Sleepy Joe might have the gift of the gaffe, but he does try to look like he knows what he's talking about. Mad Bad Vlad just spouts his lies with that zombie stare and doesn't give a crap if no one takes him seriously.” Tristan Meth

Q: What's a good example of The Impossible?
A: Labour party members & MPs trying to pretend to be patriotic and pro-Britisch.

If you see wimmin in white frocks standing around in a field with their hands in the air on the night of a full Moon, keep well clear. They are nutters who think drumming & chanting will get them anything they desire free of charge and without effort. New normal New Age nutters.

No maths & English passes from GCSE exams, no student loan. The government is trying to put the kybosh on junk degrees which make cash for the university but do nothing for job prospects.

Just as Jimmy Savile is still dead, George Floyd is still a criminal.
“If footballers are allowed to kneel on the pitch in support of a dead foreign criminal, there should be no question about their waving Ukrainian flags to protest against a live foreign criminal.” Jacques Boot
“Drug cheating & warmongering doesn't keep MBV's gang out of the Paralympics? Surprise!” Sim Ulate

Not wonderful to get confirmation
We've long suspected that the people running MI5 and MI6 are idiots if they're not a Nitupi agent. Now, we know for sure about the idiocy at the top.
   Our so-named Intelligence chiefs have become obsessed with white privilege and pronouns instead of the safety of their customers. What a bunch of wankers.
“Of course, it's too much to Xpect the government to sack the wankers and replace them with people who can do the job. That's not really what governments do.” Kard Robashian
“The wankers should be shoved in the Tower forthwith for giving aid & comfort to our enemies, and left to rot.” Put Valdin
“Starting with S. Lovegrove, the pillock who wants diverse & inclusive & non-violent & incompetent spies shirking for us.” Sniv Lingit

BP petrol in Romiley is 154.9p/litre and diesel is 157.9p/litre.
What was all that crap about a price barrier @ 150p/litre?

Re-al-leee!
A bloke was having his brainwaves scanned when he had a fatal heart attack. The readings were 'similar' to those recorded from people who were dreaming or doing memory recall.
   Cue the fake newsers leaping out of the woodwork to claim confirmation of the concept that a person's life flashes before their eyes as they croak.

People who give board & lodging to a cat have lower blood pressure and less stress than non-catists, the Xperts reckon, and they are better able to remember the passwords needed to get by on the interweb. Sounds almost daft enuff to be true!

Poluton has been accused of flogging rusty Xercise bikes @ 2 grand a pop. They were given a spray of something to hide the 'cosmetic oxidation' to avoid the recall of 6,000 of the Chariots of Skive.

“President Boris wants to be like Winston Churchill—that's the Churchill who was awarded a Nobel Prize for literature rather than the one who saw off the Narzis. Which means he's in the wrong job at the moment.” Ed Forrit
“The only Nazis around at the moment live in Nitupstan—between Nazi Nitup's lugs. Someone else in the wrong job.” Scotch Gordon

Restoring the Palace of Westmonster to a working condition will take 76 years if the inmates; commoners & peers; refused to move out. And the job will cost the taxpayer £23,000,000,000. Sounds like more than jobs for life for people in the building trade. Unless, of course, a sneaky government raises the pension age to 80.

The BBC is at risk of losing its Labour party membership if it continues to try to blame the invasion of Ukraine on President Trump rather than Mad Bad Vlad. This is something which is a terminal embarrassment to Sirb Eery Steamer, who has no choice but to grit his teeth and play the decency card and demand that his minions do the same.

Groznyem Budu!
“Are you all a bunch of wazzocks, or something? All my mate Vlad is doing in Ukraine is promoting diversity and inclusivity and making sure that pronouns are used correctly and with their proper respect.
   “This is common practice here in & around Moskva but there have been appalling deviations in the territories which have become detached from Mother Russia. Deviations which no person of conscience can permit to go unchallenged. It's for their own good, you know.” vlad34@putinutter.ssr
[Well, that's us put in our place & on the right track! Ed.]

“Let us hope that S. Loviegrove's decadent and pathetic pronouns; the ones he tried to foist off on MI5 & MI6; will be rejected in favour of the dynamic and warmongering ones being promoted from Moscow.” Slapan Dash

Q: What are your pronouns?
A: Fuck off and die.
Q: (with a snigger) Are those supposed to be pronouns?
A: No, they're an instruction.

Right strategy, methodology bogged up
Sweden's Plague Commission has concluded that the policy of not locking in and relying on people following advice & recommendations was the right choice when the Chinese plague arrived. What let the customers down was that the Swedish government offered too few recommendations and decided what needed to be done far too late to be helpful.

The Untied States have their POTUS in charge.
Nitupstan has its BLOTTO**
[** Blessed Leader Of The Transural Onanists. Ed.]
“If the BLOTTO does start distributing his nukes, would he kindly make sure the first one lands on S. Luvviegrove, the pissant diversifier of MI5&6? Thank you.” Ott Krito

Somewhat off target
The latest move by the mob who are trying to take WeeBurneystan into impoverished independence is to come up with a list of things they claim were invented north of the border as a puff factor.
   Observant readers will note that nothing on it was invented during the lifetime of anyone who isn't eligible for a second booster jab against the Chinese plague in April. The clear implication is that Schottisch creativity & inventiveness dried up before the end of World War II.

Get yer dosh to Nitupstan.
Bank rate there now 20%!!! And only going up.

The invaders from Nitupstan have made a beeline for the nuclear reactor @ Chernobyl, which their boffins destroyed with their pratting about, contaminating the whole of Europe with radioactive fall-out.
   Could be a prelude to a nuclear atrocity of some sort. Mad Bad Vlad is crazy enough to try to blame it on Ukraine even if it's well behind enemy lines.
“If you were under the delusion that Nitupstan's BLOTTO is still somewhat sane, sending his gang to grab Chernobyl as a primary target in his demented war proves that he's totally nutz.” Genna Sidle

CORRECTION: Niputstanis don't cremate the bodies of their war dead to eliminate the expense of sending them home and the adverse press associated with countable body bags, they 'evaporate' the remains in one of the many portable crematoria/evaporators.

MVB will Mugabe Ukraine. Just as Mug turned Rhodesia from the bread-basket of Africa to the dead broke shambles of Zimbabwe, so MBV will wipe out Europe's grain supply from the fertile farms of Ukraine with his meddling.

Up to no good backstage
Whilst most of us are focussed on the Nuputstani attack on Ukraine, the UN's global warming swindlers are telling us we're doomed and there's nothing we can do about it.
   So nothing original from the GWS and nothing to worry about.

What the GWS seem to be most concerned about is not being able to grab attention and as much cash as they might have without an inconvenient war going on.

“Is there any practical difference between someone doing something because he's crazy and doing it because he has a warped, ill-informed world view? It takes a professor and MBV biographer to claim there is.” Beau Nidle
The professor wrote a book with the title We Need To Talk About Tonto (or near offer). Wrong! All we need to do is tell him our pronouns.

69 and senile is MBV's alibi. He's running out of time to get into the history books as another Alexander the Great rather than Putin the Piddling.

The Police of the Metrolopis are also wasting the time of Chancellor Snack with pointless questions about Downing Street bottle parties in order to fill diversity quotas requiring that not just white, male Europeans are harassed. The Health Sec. and the Home Sec. will probably be next.

Disgraced former SNP honcho A. Salmonella has lost his cash machine access to the Nitupstani fake news TV channel Ratbags Today.

The morons in charge of the NHS have blown £250 MILLION on they know not what. The cash was supposed to increase the rate of face-to-face GP consultations. It hasn't, there are now less of them.

11 looney left Labour MPs have been ordered to stop blaming NATO for the invasion of Ukraine on pain of being Corbinned and cast out.

“You really have to wonder about the mentality of the femmes who are grousing about the Back of House Bog Xperience @ a theatre which is doing the Gender-Liquidity Xperience. Haven't they heard of audience participation? Woke up or ship out, maties!” Gilbert Lunch

Grrrr! Grrrr! Grrrrrrr!
Nachi is not amused by Nitup the Noxious grabbing all the attention away from its Winter Parachuting Olympics.
   Sticking the TV coverage on Channel 4 instead of all over every BBC channel is also a grump generator.

Opinion is divided on whether the Foreign Office staff skiving @ home instead of being in the workplace on 2 or 3 days per week is a good or a bad thing. One view is that the less meddling the wonks are doing, the safer we'll be.
The head of the Diplomatic Service claims there isn't a clocking-off culture @ the F.O. Which makes sense. You can't clock off if you never clocked on in the first place.

Lewisham council (looney left) has come up with a new gorbal warmage fraud. Its car parks have a list of 130 different charges according to the type of vehicle seeking access and the length of the stay.
   The council is hoping to rake in ££s from the time wasted by drivers whilst they are trying to work out which band applies to their vehicle whilst it is stationary on the council's must-be-paid-for property.

Grot Warning
Greenhouse Grotter has escaped from her padded cell to add her twopennorth to a rant from the UN Secretary, General A. Guterres, who wants more dosh for gorbal warmage swindles.
   "Delay means death", claims Grotter, the demented teenager.
Sounds fair enuff if it shuts her up.

British Airways (Spanish owned) is blaming the IT meltdown @ the last weekend in February on hacking by Niputstani actors. The computer system for calculating an airliner's load & weight distribution went tits up and only planes serviced by manual calculation were able to get off the ground.

We are still waiting to hear how Duke Hairy & Mhegan the Merciless 'stand with the people of Ukraine' when they are 8,000 miles away in sunny California.
“Maybe they don't know where Ukraine is. Maybe they think it's a county in Florida and under threat of persecution from Mad Bad Vlad's pal there, The Donald.” 10 Tickle

One way of doing it
Marks & Sparks has circumvented an onslaught from the transisters by emailing people to say they will not be reminding them to buy Mother's Day stuff (as transpicables find the word offensive.)
   And if that reminds the email recipient that Mother's Day is at hand, well, it's completely by accident.

M&S Hot X Buns may contain fatty ingredients such as cheese & chocolate in the fancy dan versions.
   These add-ons will overheat, melt & catch fire if the bun is placed in a toaster and putting them under a grill is the only safe way to hot them up.
   Shame that new normal customers are unable to grasp this concept.

Danger! De-wonking in progress!
The US state of Florida [already in the news here!] is on the way to passing a law banning wonkist from wasting time in schools with their gender tosh. Preaching institutional rachelism is also being binned.
   Customers of the Algae Boutique and Democrap chancers are outraged by the loss of what they claim is their right to harangue with impunity.

An easily answered question
"What does the Ukraine invasion mean for travel?" asked the headline.
   Nothing if you're not going to Ukraine or Nitupstan, is the obvious reply.

Poor little stinker
The Formula One race director who was sacked as the scrapegoat for revealing the transition from motor racing to sport entertainment with a WW-style script was 'thrown under a bus', according to his apologists.
   BFN asks: "Up with that is what? Someone had to be and why not the bloke who caused all the trubble?"

Any pronoun wonk who claims to be 'they' is taking the unroyal wee.

Q: Nitupstan to remain in pariah status @ the rate of one year per Ukrainian citizen murdered by the invading Gits with Gats?
A: Sounds reasonable.

“After World War II, 100% of Germans were assumed to have been behind Hitler 100% and all of them were awarded pariah status for letting him take power. Is there any reason why the same condemnation should not apply to Russians now?” H.T.S.

G. Schroeder, the German Kanzeller before Angular Mherkel, is getting the blame for encouraging Nitup the Noxious to invade Ukraine. Well, it has to be someone's fault and he'll do.

“What sort of brain-dead fucking idiot sends his army to a neighbouring state to fire shells at Europe's biggest nuclear power station?” Captain Outrageous

Grrrr! Grrrr! Grrrrrrr! Part II
Wee Burney of Sturgeonstan is unfriending Noxious Nitup big-time. Since he invaded Ukraine, she hasn't been on the TV news once and no one has paid her a scrap of attention.
   As a result, her egomania is going nuclear.

Talking about nuclear . . .
+ + + FIFA booted from here to breakfast time for trying to keep Nitupstan in current World Cup + + + Corruption embedded that deep + + + Nitupstan would have won if no other country would play them + + + Nuclear solution needed for FIFA? + + +

“What's really yanking Nitup's crank isn't the sanctions, its people abroad being allowed to make 'aggressive statements' about him; i.e. noticing he's off his trolley and comparing him to Adlof Hilter. His pride is being hurt and that's all that matters. Everything else in Nitupstan can go to hell.” Lokk Tupp
“Now is definitely the time for the Nitupstani military to have a von Stauffenberg moment. But to get the job done this time.” Jami Claire
“No surprise about a rail union stopping the Tube in London for a week to show solidarity with Team Putrid.” Merda Lors

The cost of going BLOTTO—$30 BILLION per day for the war against Ukraine. The invasion was supposed to have succeeded by March 1st but Nitup keeps rewriting the script to keep it on target.

Cash machines in Nitupstan are running out and using them has little point if the 300 rouble daily limit is not much more than a couple of quid in real money.

Molotov has been cancelled in Ukraine. Petrol bombs there are 'happiness cocktails' to the people chucking them to the BLOTTO's tanx & stooges.

The Welsh parliament has a Future Generations Kommissar. Even more taxpayers; money down the drain to pay for her and her entourage. Especially if she wants the public sector there to do 4 days' work for 5 days' pay.

How I saw off Putin the Poisoner by En Vregalo (2022)
+ + + The novel of the CENTURY! + + +
The full secret story of the undermining ++ that leak ++ that photograph ++ those bank records ++ the 'accident' which stalled
the fight-back ++ the deal that turned a job for life into an automatic death sentence
It's ALL in this EXCITING volume
Romiley New Bookstore, 14 Riverside Drive

Crowded out
The gorbal warmage fraudsters have written a new end for the 'uman race. We won't last long enough to cast off our bodies and become creatures of formless energy & intellect. We're going to be crowded off the planet by massive heaps of useless wind turbine blades, which wear out after 20-25 years and can't be recycled.
   Which means that objects bigger than a Jumbo jet's wing are just parked in vast & Xpanding dumps, which will take over the whole land surface of The Planet eventually. Apart from a few mountain tops.
Exhausted solar panels are another problem. Spending $10 on recycling them yields just a dollar's worth of useful stuff, which makes dumping not recycling sensible. Same with the lithium batteries in electric cars; it's cheaper to refine ore than attempt to recover the lithium from them.
“One a closely related topic—'Rewilding won't feed the nation', a headline told me. Well, of course, it won't. It isn't supposed to. It's all about shoving taxpayers' cash into the pockets of the rewilders. Did anyone really think it was about anything else?” Dan Jeruss

All the bollocks about things flowering earlier is just that.
Spring ain’t here in Romiley yet, and the daffs know it, and that’s why they are still sprouting with
no sign of flower heads.

More duff degrees
The Scottish Highlands & Islands University has gone tweely wonk with trigger warnings and all the rest of the junk being applied to all sorts of totally harmless scripts.
   Something else to blame on Wee Burney & her useless crew.

Today's opening sentence from a best seller:
Mr. Bodybag, the executioner, was visiting his father; now the Mother Superior at St. Putina's nunnery, when something very peculiar happened . . .

Weather Control is claiming the credit for bogging Nitupstani convoys of aggression in the mud of Ukraine as the end-of-winter melt progresses.

You want hippocrisy? We can do it!
The Untie union, alleged champion of the masses, has railed against governments attacking pensions; even when Scotch Gordon Broon was destroying private sector pensions! And it has opposed raising the state pension age.
   Now, the bosses are planning to do both to the customers of the union's pension scheme, which is seriously in deficit. The previous honcho, Red Len, is getting the blame for doing the damage by blowing £100 MILLION on a hotel worth about £20M.
“So it's nothing to do with the current bosses when they were his stooges? They just sat on their hands & watched Red Len wreck the joint? Typical buck-passers.” Una Vailable
“Sounds like a try-out for The Nitup Story, The Musical. Same plot.” Con Temporary

If you are in need of a lawyer, it's a good idea to find out if the firm you're thinking of using has a happiness officer. If it does, turn around and run for your life. The people running the firm are probably contemptible hypocrites; or worse.

There's a surge of support for a boycott of India, Pakistan and all other members of Team Putrid. There was a mild surge of amazement when Nachi failed to support Nitupstan in a condemnation debate @ the UN, but that's because Nitpu the Noxious has succeeded in appalling the regime in Peking by hitting them in the wallet with his disruption of the world economy.

Another Eastern European oligarch dead, this time in Surrey. Done in by the KGB? Nothing much in the way of an investigation expected of the local police. Good or bad, all police farces are now free of Xpectations.

Doing the right thing
It would be apt & symbolic if Nitup the Nutter, his generals and other stooges were tried for their war crimes in Nuremberg rather than in the Netherlands, where common war criminals like Slobbered-on Milosevic and his crew were processed.
   But persuading Sergeant Schultz, the present German Kanzler, might prove a bit of a problem as he seems to be a semi-detached member of Team Putrid.
“In the next courtroom to your tony b. liar who illegally invaded Iraq with Dubya Bush and got hundreds of thousands killed?” vlad34@putinutter.ssr
[We would be more than cool with that. Ed.]

Messing about with auntie-social meeja during lock-in makes teenagers twitch more, Xperts @ Florida U. reckon.

The Ukrainian naval contingent of 13 men on Snake Island in the Black Sea were reported murdered after telling Nitupstani invaders to go fuck themselves. They are now reported to be prisoners of war in Nitupstani-occupied Crimea after being forced to surrender when they ran out of ammo.

Nitup's declaration that he was putin his nuke minders on 'a special regime of combat duty' turns out to be meaningless BS as the minders are not involved in combat of any description.

Nitup the Nutter started polishing his nuclear button because he was upset by the Britisch Foreign Sec., L. Truss. It seems she told his ambassodor in London that she could see that he [the ambassodor] was lying every time he opened his mouth. That's how far gone Nitup is.
• What Xactly is Nitup?
He's a street-gang thug who became a KGB street gang thug and then a street gang thug of an alternating president and prime monster.
[There seems to be a lot of clues about streets & gangs here. Ed.]
“There's a wonderful choice for the electorate in Nitpustan. Commie buttfidgers on one side, the Nitpu kleptocrats and Comrade Abram O'vich on the other.” Max Butinski
“'If it's shite, it's all right' seems to be the rule there.” Ottima Boozer

Par for the course
Jonah Burnham, Greater Manchester's cosmetic mayor and police & crime commish, has not yet run out of alibis for why Greater Manchester Police is still useless after being put into special administration ages ago and still not doing anything much to combat crime in the area.

The Sage Speaks
As usual, Little John has bashed the nail square on the bonce. If the moron's running the UK's armed force's are recruiting only people who are against killing animals for food & leather to make boot's, what good are they going to be when it comes to killing the bastard's inside Nitupstani submersible tanks when they start rolling up our beache's?
[I take it that's the new, informed MoD Grammar of Mass Destruction deployed here? Ed.]

Adverts featuring faux Nitupstani meerkats have been cancelled thanks to the BLOTTO's invasion of Ukraine.

The latest from the DoomBuggers is that we can't afford to get shot of Nitup the Nutter 'coz the next bugger in line is bound to be worser.

Achieving a balance of sorts
Currently, the number of people in gaols in Nitupstan for objecting to the illegal assault on Ukraine is around 8,000 to 10,000.
   Which is roughly the number of Soviet invaders who have been killed and fed into Nitup's mobile crematoria to avoid the embarrassment of bringing the dead home in body bags. Except for the generals and important bodies, of course.

More French Insolence is Xpected at any moment.

Lest We Forget: moral authority is of bugger all use when you're face to face with a homicidal nutter brandishing a bloody big knife or a gun.

Q: Is TV really mind-bogglingly, pocket-bustingly overwhelmed by channels?
A: Only if you can think of nothing else to do than sit in front of the goggle box and goggle, or go on the interweb to tell similar wonks what you've been watching.
   Go read a book. Go write a book. Go create a website like BFN. Go do something original or non-mass participation. But don't waste all your time & cash on the goggle box and then whinge about this self-inflicted wound.
[A certain impatient lack of sympathy detected here! Ed.]

The Honcho for Life in North Korea is shooting off missles again in an attempt to get Creaky Joe's attention. The US president has been ignoring him and Kim the Current doesn't like it one little bit.
Something else he doesn't like is the way Nachi is doing a Biden on him.

A trade deal with New Zealand will cut tariffs on wine imports, making them cheaper. But whether that makes them affordable remains to be seen.

Q: Is Pixie Balls-Cooper going to have to evict all them Syrian refugees, whom she & the Balls Monster welcomed into one of their many homes, to make room for Ukrainian refugees?
A: She'll probably just buy another home for the Ukrainians and bung it on her expenses.

The SNP regime north of the border has created a cost of living crisis and it is demanding more millions from English taxpayers. No one is surprised.

WEEK 2    Putting the ‘con’ into conflict

 
A UK government mouthpiece claimed this week that we are leading the world in decarbonating. But if we are not causing the perceived problem of carbonation, waving this virtue flag will achieve bugger all of any use. Which, unfortunately, tends to be what government wonks are for.
“On a vaguely related topic—if the woke-washer of MI5 & 6 thinks spies & counterspies should have nothing to do with 'strong', does that mean no more extra-strong mints and only weak tea in the canteen?” Jakob Skreek
“What we should do with Luvviegrove is parachute him behind enemy lines in Ukraine. If he makes it back home in one piece, then, and only then, will we listen to him. If not, no harm done.” Major Violent

SAGE, the source of so many totally wrong predictions about the course of the Chinese plague from a gang of DoomBuggers, has been quietly dumped into the dustbin of history whilst the situation in Ukraine was claiming the world's attention.
   Scientific? not very. Advisory? only if you want the wrong advice. Group? well, yes. for Emergencies? only if you want to make things worse.

Paradox
• A bloke thinks a woman is dressed like a slag and treats her as one.
• A woman decides to dress like a slag because it makes her feel empowered but she Xpects blokes to realize this is not the real her and treat her like a duchess.

Today's Word: HISNIA—the male equivalent of hernia.

Indeterminables or Zero Events?
1. How much additional gorbal warmage has the Nitupstani assault on Ukraine caused and what is Nitup the Noxious going to do in the way of carbon off-setting?
2. How many Xtinctionists are going to glue themselves to Nitupstani tankx in Ukraine to raise awareness of this ishue?

Moldova is next, according to the Nitup stooge Kashmachinko of Byellowroseofrussia. How cheerful.

“Look 'ere. Wot's going on? We're a week in to March and there's been nothing about Sirb Eery Creeper and not a glimpse of the Pantz of Power.” Reymi Stereo
[The buck-ducker's exposure has been according to his relevance. Ed.]

It’s everywhere
We knew about Franglais, which has upset the French purists mightily, and Denglish, which makes some German newspapers almost comprehensible to people here.
   We also, it seems, have Ukranglish—English words like STOP rendered in the local alphabet on signs.

"Hey, buddy, can you spare a dime?"
That's now worth 20 roubles if you can find a black market spiv with foreign currency, which is no longer available in Nitupstani banks.

London's cosmetic but undecorative mayor, Sadgeek K'han't, reckons that the city is well prepared for a nuclear strike. Someone needs to mention to the sad booby that if Nitup's nukes land on London, all there will be is a massive, radioactive crater.
   Well prepared for that? Bollocks.
“As well prepared as he was for last week's the Tube strike?” Valdemar Puddin
“The good news is he'd be part of the radioactive dust cloud and he'd get to visit every other part of The Planet eventually. Well, very tiny bitz of him separately, not all together.” Walker Woke

Being a snoflake has got even tougher. The new normal is to be a mental 'elf. And for anyone to notice you, you have to be crazy in a different way from the common herd.

Things that made Nitup so noxious No. 132:
When he was a child gang-banger in the slums of Leningrad, he got his kicks from torturing & killing the rats in the apartment block.
   Something to remember when he's posturing and pretending to be a hero of the coming Nitupstani Soyuz.

Maybe the German Canceller, Sgt. Schultz, is brighter than advertised. Not mothballing the three nuclear power stations which Angular Mherkel wanted to bin in her dash for Nitupstani gas makes sense.
   Xcept that it will probably take a couple of years to get them refurbished & back up and running, so no visible effect on the current energy crisis.
“The Mherkel Lunacy which paid for Putrid's assault on Ukraine, let us not forget.” Orla Brummer
Another tick in the Sgt. Schultz box—Germany is feeling threatened by Nitupstan and is going to start pulling its weight in NATO.

In addition to 'investigating' working sessions with a drinks trolley in Downing Street years ago, the Metropolitan Police farce is trying to do an Operation Midland 2 on Nitup to fit 'im up with war crimes charges over what's going on in Ukraine.
   That's more millions to be wasted and nothing to show for them at the end of it. Just when are the Met going to get back to the job they're being paid for not doing and start going after the many scumbag real criminals in this country?
“Like the Nitupstani army is just going to stand back and let them dig through the rubble of Ukrainian cities.” Tryethal Bicep
“Like Nitup is going to let the Met get close enuff to feel his collar. No chance of Inspector Reagan to tell him to get his trousers on, he's nicked.” Kat Amaran
“The bottom line for all this war crimes stuff is it's all for show and make-work for the stooges doing it. They'll never get Putrid the Poisoner into the dock @ The Hague. They probably won't even get his stooges, either.” Colonel Curdle

Dead right blast from the past
One of our correspondents is reading a 1940 edition issued by The Book Club of Königsmark by action adventure novelist A.E.W. Mason. The book flits about Europe in the days when England was going Orange, about a century before German unification.
   He came across this statement by one of the characters on page 114: "What is a man's wealth for but to shield him from the edge of the law?"
   No doubt Nitpu the Poisoner is relying on this.

Q: Is it possible to name & shame British law firms which are working to cancel press reports on behalf of oligarchs on Team Putrid and sanctions against them?
A: Name, yes; shame, no 'coz they have none.

Never forget, never forgive
No surprise that the EFU is more interested in making pathetic 'me first' claims about what it is doing against criminal Putinstanis and talking up its war with the defectors on the other side of the Channel than in getting on with things that matter.

Q: How do you not sell a football club like, say, Chelski?
A: Make the asking price for something that cost you £140 million something way more than anyone in his right mind would pay—say, 3 billion quid.

The argument against a no-fly zone over Ukraine is that it would ground the Ukrainian air force and hand an advantage to Nitupstan, which has missles—something the Ukrainians don't have.

A likely source of some of Nitup's insanity has to be all the steroids he'd scoffing to try to look tough (even if he can't do big at 5' 5" tall). Puffy face, fluffy brain. The symptoms are quite unmistakeable, the observing Xperts reckon.

Cells in over 50 Nitupstani cities are filled with anti-war protesters from primary school kids to grandparents. Keeps the KGB busy.

Driverless Tube trains are part of the strategy to phase out the strike-happy RMT trade union and bail out Transport for London, which is in one hell of a mess thanks to the ineptitude of the cosmetic mayor, Sadgeek K'han't.
“Hey, Boris! It's time for some sanctions on Putrid's useful idiots in the RMT.”Prin Sairy

Electric cars are twice as likely as proper cars to develop a serious fault in their first 4 years. Tesla cars are the worst of the bunch.

Q: Is it more Xciting to have found (a) the closest huge black hole to Earth or (b) a vampire star which is gobbling up another one?
A: If the undefined object is 1,000 light years away, HTFK?

Apparently, we have the plutogarch Abram O'Vich to thank for inflicting Putrid the Poisoner on the world. He lined up the mugs so that Putrid could trample on them and take over power from the commies when the Soviet Union collapsed. Ta, for that.
“What a son of O'Vich!” Ashley Angrid

Scotland is now being accused of being the main channel for laundering dirty money from Nitupstan after the City of London was cleaned up.
   A figure of at least £27 BILLION per year is being tossed around.

The government is ignoring warnings that its Online Safety Bill will put powers of cancellation & censorship into the hands of auntie-social meeja companies, which cannot be trusted to operate responsibly and/or ethically. But hey, that's what governments are for—to screw things up royally.

The Chinese are to blame
The Scottish Avalanche Information Service is blaming a lack of them this year on the Chinese plague. The current total of 102 is less than half of last year's figure despite a 10-year-high record snowfall.
   The lack of avalanches worth recording is being blamed on plague restrictions preventing customers from wandering around the landscape and skiing, which are excellent ways to trigger snow slides.
   Despite gorbal warmage, the SAIS is hopeful for some record-busting from the winter 2022/23 season thanks to a more active atmosphere and a jollier jetstream, and praying that the Chinese don't have some other plague up their sleeves to ruin everything again.

The whirlwind of censorship is sweeping books by BLAME Bunchers & Algae Boutique customers out of American schools. Their agitations have reminded the moms & pops of the Untied States that they also have the right to make a nuisance of themselves and set the agenda of what is permissible and what is misleading and offensive.

What on Earth makes the regime in Israel think Putrid the Poisoner will take any more notice of it than he does of the posturings of President pro tem MacRon of France?

Putrid the Poisoner isn't sick or mad, he's just being true to type 'coz 'e's always bin 'effin evil, sez yet another Xpert.
The novel by E. Blair (writing as G. Orwell) is to be renamed 2022 in recognition of what is happening in and around Putridstan, where only lies are officially true.

Britain's former ambassodor to Nitupstan, T. Brenton, is NOT an Xpert reliable source, he doesn't kno what he's talking about and he's just a useful idiot, sez another Xpert, who reckons Nitup knows that the customers in Putridstan don't support him but they also know that he commands more than enuff mindless thugs with guns to wipe them out if they get restive.

The Nitupstani Foreign Ministry has announced that the neo-Narzis @ the BBC are Putrid the Poisoner's next target as punishment for daring to Xpose the absurdities of his rantings.

Q: What's a good way to upset Labour's education mouthpiece?
A: Give a K to sometime Defence then Education Minister G. Wilkinson for his efforts and nothing to her.

Nicha is keeping a close eye on the extent of the sanctions imposed on Nitupstan in order to be prepared for the fallout from a much swifter and more successful assault on Taiwan.

The government has made noises about filling residences confiscated from PNCs with refugees from Ukraine. But this is as likely to happen as Pixie Ball-Cooper opening her residence to those Syrian refugees.
Wee Burney of Sturgeonstan offered to open her (taxpayer-funded) official residence to Syrian refugees. The current result of their competition appears to be a nil-all draw. The same is Xpected as far as refugees from Ukraine are concerned.

Q: PNC?
A: Putrid Noxious Crony—see Kashmachineko, O'Vich, members of the Duma, etc.

The Boris Green Bollocks plan for swindling warmly & globally will drive the already crazy hike in energy prices up to around £2,000/year and double the national average Brown Hole to £4,000/year. Ta, for that.
“Is it the Boris Green Bollocks Scam or is Scary Carrie really to blame?” Hal Berdash

Q: How do you get to be worth 440 million quid?
A: Conning teenagers into working a couple of free shifts as a try-out for a job that's already been filled helps.

As a result of sanctions on Nitupstani businesses, the airline Aeroflot will become unavailable in the West. Nachi to the rescue?
“Does K. Kardashmachine have to book an Xtra seat on an airliner for that ginormous bum of hers? Or does she have to put it in the luggage compartment?” Ann Grifekt

Nitpu—deferably bad, the jury is out on mad. Meanwhile, the EFU is paying him €4,200 million per week to fund his attack on Ukraine and Creaky Joe is preventing oil & gas producers in the Untied States from increasing production to drive Nitpu out of the market. Who needs pals like these?

Q: Who has more blood on his hands, Nitup the Noxious or t.b. 'Iraq invader' liar?
A: Next question, please.

Q: Isn't there a large element of unpleasant national favouritism in calling a datastick for storing computer files a USB? They're not called GBBs here.
A: Anyone remember when the questions were much more straightforward?

A process of Evilution
Take the symbol of a much-loved totalitarian regime, mess about with it a bit, do a spot of pruning, add an appropriate label and there you have a derivative version for another much-loved totalitarian regime headed by a bloke who's too old and lazy to order his idle minions to come up with anything original. "Darryl Do is Good For You."

If what's happening in Ukraine is an Xample of Nitpu the Noxious having no bad intentions against a neighbour, it doesn't bear thinking about that he'd try if he really had it in for someone.

When invited to comment on the claims from the EFU that it is imposing sanctions & confiscation on more of Nitpu's useful idiots & kleptogarchs than the UK, our Justice Sec. replied that he's too busy to get involved in the EFU's silly games. Right attitude, mate!

How’s that for On Your Side?
Lloyds Bank is rallying round its customers in this time of crisis by putting their credit card interest rate up by 4%. You do not have to accept the increase, but if you do, they'll do you the favour of cancelling your card to relieve you of the pain of racking up further debts and let you pay off the current balance @ your existing rate before booting you into touch. How kind.
   p.s. No surprise that savings rates are not shooting up too.

Attention rich people!
Sending a letter first class will cost nearly a quid from the beginning of April; with no guarantee of next-day delivery. Second class (lower class) post will cost 2p more @ 68p from April 4th.
In response to the announcement, the Post Office's usual suspect union took a break from demanding more money for less work to preach some BS about lack of responsibility – something for which trade unions are not Xactly famous.

According to Xperts in the US & Canadia, women can get away with telling a bad joke because for women, telling a joke waves the virtue flags of connecting with other people & advancing communal goals.
   But a bloke telling a joke is just a bloke telling a joke with no virtuous attachments. And a shower of derision if it's a bad one. Get out of that!

Failure remains a likely option
In addition to the resistance of an army defending its homeland and the poor quality of the conscripted invaders, the failure of Nitip's army to have overwhelmed Ukraine by the end of February is due to a ban on generals visiting the conflict zone to see exactly what is really happening.
   The ban was imposed to prevent further deaths of senior officers and more propaganda victories for the Ukrainians.
   As a result, Nitpu's generals are having to base their strategy on Nitpu's fake news delusions about the progress of the war and that's why there's such a mess.

In Nitupstan, failure to report only official state fake news is now worth 15 years in gaol.

If you can’t be bothered to make the lies convincing,
you deserve to flop
Perhaps the strangest bit of fake news about Putrid the Poisoner is that he has first-hand knowledge of the siege of Leningrad because that's where he was from. Xcept we all know that he was born 7 years after World War II ended. So it's all bolloques and obviously so.

Verbrecher/Verbrochen
Academic Xperts agree that all this war crimes investigation stuff is as cosmetic as the Met's 'investigation' of partygate—and as relevant to reality. Shoot first is all that Putrid the Poisoner and his cronies deserve and forget shoving cash into the pockets of parasites in the legal trade.

On Team Putrid & getting aid from the UK are Byellowruss, Eritrea, India, Iraq, North Korea, Pakistan, Syria and let us not forget Nachistan.
   All in no danger of being cut off by the stoopid Britisch Establishment, though.
   Not even the ones whose space programme we're funding.

Meddlesome Yanks are trying to get the gypsy moth, which is a dangerous pest that damages/destroys forests in the US, renamed to avoid offending gypsies & Roma, who have a similarly non-brilliant reputation.

Bets are currently being laid on when petrol will reach 2 quid per litre.
No one will be allowed to pretend to be surprised when it does.

Why are so many people in the UK fat? Is it (a) because the government makes them fat? or (b) because they're greedy bastards who spend their day scoffing junk foods, messing about with a pocket phone and getting zero exercise?
[Responses by PC to the usual address. Ed.]

Crash your car badly enough to put it off the road and it can take 3 months to get it back and running again. A shortage of mechanics & spare parts caused by Putrid the Poisoner is being blamed. Oh, yes, and the Chinese plague.

BFN has obtained access to the scripts for the upcoming World Motor Racing Championship series.
    No doubt our readers will be interested in previews of the scripts for these amazing sports entertainment events.
   We'll give you the first of them next weekend.
   "Kalti mi ba sherbet" is what the opening words for the new signature theme for the series sounds like. What we need now is someone who knows the lingo to give us a translation.

BP petrol in Romiley today is 167.9p per teaspoon.
Diesel is 179.9p.

President Creaky Joe, pronouns epluribus & unum, is intent on talking us into World War III? Sure looks like it.
Putrid the Poisoner is planning to kill Ukrainian soldiers with poison gas bombs of the type used by his forces in Syria. But he will combine this banned weapon with thermobarbaric missiles to incinerate the bodies of his victims and destroy the evidence of atrocity. Pronouns low & cunning.

Drilling for more of the oil off our shores is a good idea and not something that should have been binned. But pretending that it will do anything to stabilize current oil prices is as daft as, well, as daft as daft can get.
   Just about as daft as not using our reserves of shale gas and digging up coal here for use by the steel industry, etc., instead of importing it.

Took ’em long enough
Bollocks to Berko is a Jerko & a Bully & a Liar? Tell us something we didn't need an official report from the HoCC to know. Anyhow, he's been banned from Parliament for life. And not before time.
   Definitely bollocks to the peerage.
“Let us hope that Hoyle, his successor, who is known to get above himself, is taking note of all this.” Belle E. Dancer
“Putting an explanatory plaque with a list of his crimes against humanity on the Berk's portrait in Squeaker's House to concentrate the thoughts of later inmates may do the job.” Pierce Doshan
“gary bloody lineker is a card-carrying member of the Berko fan club. That tells us all we need to kno about both of them.” Pol E.U.P. Choopy

Today's Helpful Phrase: mauvais coucheur = awkward bugger, something which could be of use to Berkoologists.

A vanishing breed
Thanks to our ill-fortuned Greater Manchester cosmetic mayor, Jonah Burnham, vast amounts of council taxpayers' dosh was blown on speed limit signs; painted on roadways and on poles; and speed bumps in Romiley village.
   Not long after the 'speed cushions' were installed—at a cost of four grand for a pair, labour extra—they began to vanish. And the sight of an ambulance slowing almost to a dead stop to negotiate each one of a sequence of them did nothing for their credibility.
   On the first Sunday of this month, they went Xtinct, gone, vanished leaving just a few dents in the tarmac of the roadway to show where they had been. And the signs painted on roadways are wearing away. Leaving just the signs on poles to remind us how the people with a hand in our pocket waste the cash they dig out of it.
   Slashtag ^UselessPillocks

Talking about useless pillocks, it turns out that one of the election pledges made by the current cosmetic mayor of London was Zero Strike Days on public transport. How's that working out for the Sadgeek's customers?
[Before anyone gets excited, we might have mentioned the Zero thing a couple or three months ago. Ed.]

Puddin-face the Poisoner is so popular that 20,000 non-Ukrainians want a chance to join the army there to kill them some Russkies—which spares the Russkies the ordeal of rationing back home and negotiating with their local black-market spivs.
   And there is now no NeatFlix to blow their cash on.

Putridstan's army is officially rubbish when up against soldiers but, as in Syria, great at massacring unarmed civilians with bombs & poison gas, and unbeatable when it comes to bombing maternity hospitals.

“If a claim that 'we were just following orders' didn't work for Mr. Hitler's Nazis, why would anyone think it should work for Putrid the Poisoner's?” Exile Intibet

Still here, still as irrelevant
A little something for all those feeling the lack of Sirb Eery Steamer. He has now decided that President Boris doesn't need to resign over partygate—a position which amounted to a lawyer insisting on a fair hanging before the unfair trial.
   How very like standard operating procedure in Nitupstan, do we hear our revered Editor say?
[How very like SOP in Nitupstan. Ed.]
   In fact, Sirb Eery is now claiming that President Boris is doing a grand job and he's right behind him. And not with a zombie knife in both hands with assassination in mind. Sadly, Team Putrid within the Labour party is now yelling & screaming at Sirb Eery and telling him he's got it all wrong. Like they do.
[You just can't get the minions these days. Ed.]

Tonite's Film: Fifty Shades Fred—The inspiring story of a man with almost enough sunglasses to wear a different pair every week of the year.

Luvvie Snoboots, our meeja correspondent, writes:
Attention S. Vine, J. Murray and other virtue flaggers. You know that the British civil service is crap. It has always been crap and it always will be.
   Thus we can see through your indignation about the failure to issue visas to genuine refugees from Ukraine by an organization swamped with bogus applications; thanks to corrupt bliar labour; and having minions doing about 1½ days' work in a good week.
   You know this is what is going on. We kno you kno. So put the virtue flags back in their boxes. We ain't impressed.
“MacRon, desperate to be re-elected presidence of France, is moaning about our visa system. But it puts him in his place if refugees don't want to be safe in his dump of a country.” Grigor Thames

Traffic is definitely more lively in Romiley village with the speed bumps gone. Morons trying to do 90 mph for the hell of it again.

The Boris Green Bollocks Scam is in real trouble. Nigel Farage is campaigning for a referendum on Net Zero and we all remember what a great demolition job he did on the Bremoaner cause.

“Spotted in a newspaper being recycled—that Prince Hairy meditates every day to avoid burn-out. Not having a job or any inconvenient responsibilities probably helps a lot.” Karl Andasch

It’s the government, thus you’re dealing with idiots
The Energy Department is run by looneys who think the only 2 shale gas wells in England are at the end of their useful life! Even though they haven't actually been used yet because of the Green Bollocks Agenda and some spurious earthquake reports.
   But don't bother trying to tell this to the looneys. They think they know it all. Shame we never get useful idiots in charge of anything.

“The nation is really missing Wee Burney's fush wifie shrieks. Not.” B. Chutt

Britisch Gas is making a real bog of receiving new customers from failed energy firms. No one is surprised. Although, a lot of the beefs are about refunds of credit balances which haven't been paid to BG. But if your reputation is bad enuff, no Xcuse can hold water.

The most useful of idiots
The phoney environmental organizations campaigning against local oil & gas production in Europe are funded, NATO reckons, by Putridstan to put cash into the pockets of the gas producers there and, natch, those of Valdemar Putrid.
“All the video clips of Putridstani troops handing out charity to war-blasted civvies are actually shot @ the central film production centre in . . . Moskovicious.” Verniel Sim
“So much for Putrid's army. It's reduced to kidnapping women & children to tie on to its tanks as human shields against missles.” Karan Dash

Desperation move
The Englisch Cricket Board is to blow a million quid on multifaith prayer rooms for every county ground so that customers of any denomination can pray that their team will win a home match.

They certainly built things to last in the olden days. Sir E. Shackleton's Xploration ship Endurance has been found 10,000 feet down in Antarctic waters 107 years after it was eaten by winter ice and sunk.
   The verdict of the underwater exploration team is that it is in one piece and it could eventually be recovered and parked alongside what's left of Henry VIII's Mary Rose and other maritime treasures from former years.

Totally Unloved
"We hate Man. Utd. and we hate Man. Utd." The traditional chant of supporters of other teams is being taken up by the failing team's own fans as well as all the pundits in the meeja. Their dissatisfaction includes the former saint M. Rashford, who's not getting the job done on the pitch, and the ancient and cosmetic egomaniac Ronald Ho.
“Something else to blame on the cosmetic mayor of Manchester, Jonah Burnham?” Toll Chok

Advertisement Mr. Wydey’s Book List Highly Recommended Reading, Authors worth pursuing & some Awful Warnings, Hundreds of Bux listed!

WEEK 3    Adding the ‘Ras’ to putin

 
[We've been asked if the Cyrillic characters used on markers are somehow a sign of approval for Nitpu the Noxious. But using them again was an editorial decision taken back in December of last year, long before Nitup got even more noxious than usual. Ed.]

In the New Britisch Normal, 63% of mothers are incapable of being a supermum, who can manage a household and a full-time job, and 20% are mental elves because they feel like failures.

Unlocking after the Chinese plague has encouraged flashers to raise their profile by 40%, according to police statistics.

Being in the police attracts men who want to abuse their powers to control & coerce, sez a tough-looking female top cop, who looks like she can handle both traits effortlessly.

Something else that the self-styled Xperts have claimed about Putrid the Poisoner is that he has been heavily bottoxed to help him to maintain that zombie stare.
   Another explanation is that when he appears to be in a meeting, it's not really him, it's a minion in a Putrid mask. And the fact that the mask isn't mobile and doesn't do changes of expression is seen as confirmation of the notion.
   As for the voice—if everyone else is kept at least 30 feet away from Putrid and a sound system has to be used, the voice is no problem and it doesn't even have to sound much like anyone's memories of the real Putrid.

Channelling Bristol
The House of Commons Management Committee has commissioned a statue of Berko, the disgraced former Squeaker, which can be toppled into the River Thames by the winner of a weekly lotto.
   A length of stout chain will be attached to the ankles of the statue so that it can be retrieved for the following weekend's ducking.
   All proceeds from the lotto will go to the relief of victims of Putrid's persecution.
“Berko as next president of Putridstan? They deserve each other.” Les Éfair

The UK's wonkest private school, the American School in London, has been downgraded by the regulator, Ofsted, for abandoning real academic subjects in favour of a wonk agenda, which discriminates against anything white & native British.
   Everyone is still picking themself up after falling over in amazement following the revelation that Ofsted actually has a few principles left.

Another triumph for Sirk Reepy Steamer—he's got himself a shadow minister for wimmin; a Ms Doddering; who doesn't know what a woman is. Same for the iconic refugee's friend Pixie Balls-Cooper. Par for the course in looneyland.

Not even dogs are safe from the mental 'elf bandits, who reckon 74% of the nation's canine customers are anxious and depressed and probably worried about an invasion by Putrid the Poisoner's thugs.

Apparently, it took threats of a world-wide boycott to persuade MacDonutz to close its eateries in Asuris.

Q: Is it possible to shame Berko?
A: Maybe we could arrange a shame transplant in the private sector and stop the cost out of his excessive & inflated pension.
Not even the looney left Labour party, home of many dregs, wants him as a member and the Berk is going into the Corbin.

“A Nobel Peace Prize for Marina Osvyannikova, the TV news editor in Moscovicious, who dared to tell the truth to Putrid's customers on 2022/03/14?” Oben Veiverkh

“That's why Putrid's stooges are offering 'humanitarian corridors' to Putridstan? To save them the trouble of kidnapping civilians for the human shield campaign?” Frank Sanbeenz

Another one for the Tower?
Could it be that S. Luvviegrove, the govermint's alleged National Security Advisor, who wants our spies & counter-spies to be pronoun-waving wonks, could be put on trial charged with sabotage on behalf of an enemy regime?
   He certainly seems to be intent on giving aid & comfort to Asuris by deflecting MI5, MI6 and GCHQ from defending the realm to twatting about.

Q: Why do we never learn from history?
A: Because the looney left Blob, which has destroyed the education system, doesn't tell its customers about the things they could learn from. It focusses only on wonk trivia and irrelevance.

The government is being accused by the usual looney left suspects of driving the overloaded courts system into meltdown with its plan to recruit 20,000 new coppers, some of whom might actually catch a criminal and magnify the magnitude of the meltdown.

Aquamation—dissolving a corpse in hot KOH solution, leaving just bones to powder & scatter after the broth has been poured down a drain—is being offered as a 'gentler' alternative to the traditional fiery ritual of cremation.
   Sounds like someone needs to tell the funeral trade that when you're dead, how the remains are disposed of can't be made gentler as there is no discomfort to be relieved.
Religious organizations are not buying the gentler virtue flag and feel aquastewing fails to show due respect for the deceased.

Get moving, By Order!
The government is considering reversing all travel bans associated with the Chinese plague before the end of this month. Which will mean that everyone, regardless of age, infirmity, income & mental competence, will have to make at least 2 trips abroad before the end of the year to restore the fortunes of the ailing travel industry.

Porque pies are going Xtinct 'coz wonks prefer slushi & slashimi? Pull the other one. Porkies will still be around long after wonks have been dumped in the Corbin of history & forgotten.

“Which is worse, putting false information on a pre-trial jury questionnaire or bragging about it after the tainted verdict has been delivered? Apparently both are okay in the USA.” Avinga Giraff

“Is Greenhouse Grotter on Team Putrid? Not a word from the little brat about all the Xtra gorbal warmage caused by the tanks & Xplosions & the fires started in Ukraine by Putrid's gang. Not a sign of Grotter or the Xtinction mob running riot on the streets of Moskovicious in protest, not a single Xtinctionist glued to a Putridstani tank, either.” Baron Haifisch

One from the frog box . . .
Putrid the Poisoner is getting his army to kill Ukrainian adults to create orphans for Putridstanis in search of a family to adopt.
   Stand by for more from the same source as the poisoner's grip on reality slides further into insanity.

The Labour party has cancelled women. The honchos are unable to define them and thus, by rule, they do not Xist.

Is it the real Putrid?
Adolf Hitler had a dozen or so doubles – check out the novels Doppelgänger and Wacht Am Rhein by Romiley Literary Circle member Henry T. Smith for some of the details.
   Leaders of sinister regimes having lookalike stand-ins is quite common for reasons of state or personal convenience. Which leaves us wondering if the guy we see in official video recordings from Asuris is the real Putrid all the time.
   The rule of thumb in Putrid's case seems to be the slicker the presentation and the closer the camera gets to his mug, the more likely it is to be a much younger substitute and the more raddled the figure on the screen and the less formal and staged the setting, the more likely it is to be the actual old & decaying Putrid doing one of his rants because no one dare stop him.

“Has Putrid the Poisoner returned the war crime questionnaire set to him by the Police of the Metrolopis? Or is he claiming the dog ate it?” Basil Torsion
“Just think, if the people's O.J. Corbynstein has won the last election, we'd have had to join in with the bombing of Ukraine by now and we wouldn't need to tie refugees up in red tape in an attempt to keep Putridstani infiltraitors out of the UK because we'd have been overrun with them ages ago.” Henk Barren

It came as no surprise that British law firms dragged their feet about keeping offices in Moskovicious open. Dosh Defeats Decency every time when the legal trade is involved.

Putrid goes batz
Putrid the Poisoner's stooges are claiming that Creaky Joe's US boffins are active in Ukraine at around 30 secret laboratories and doing research into the use of bats to spread viral plagues. This is the lame Xcuse offered for actually doing this in Asuris.
   It will also be offered as an Xcuse for using chemical & biological weapons in Ukraine, especially on the civilian population, as in Syria.

Putridstan is running short of troops to send to Ukraine and it is now pleading for help from foreign mercenaries, who might actually know what they're doing, unlike Putrid's conscripts.
Putrid the Poisoner is in real trouble. Nachi is refusing to give him military & economic aid as the assault on Ukraine eats up Assolia's reserves, and claiming that the requests for aid are fake news. But the Yellow Peril has no problem with spreading other fake news from Putrid, particularly stuff that lets Nachi take a pop at enemies in the Untied States and Yourope.

Who is right about tackling the Chinese plague?
Not Labour & the SNP, which merely & mindlessly want the opposite of what the government is doing at any given moment.
   Not the trade union bosses, who want their members to skive off to the ruination of the economy—but with pay so they can continue to fork over their union dues and keep the bosses in the style to which they have become accustomed.
   Not most of the Xperts, especially the DoomBuggers who have been proven to be using statistical models which just don't work because they are not joined up to the real world.

In case you were wondering . . .
That 'Z' is an admission that everything exported from Putridstan is strictly Z-List.

“What refreshing honesty. Even if it is entirely inadvertent.” Khat Mandou

FakeBuk is okay with people posting thoughts like "Vlad the Putin needs shootin' in the back of the head till the fuquer is dead" as it is not hate speech.

Police chiefs who invent thought crimes are useless, is the opinion of the outgoing chief inspector of constabulary.
   They are abusing their position by creating laws not sanctioned by Parliament, copying the arrogance of judges, wasting police time & taxpayers' money, and they belong in the dock for wilful misconduct in a public office. That's the gist of the verdict.
[Shame he didn't notice the uselessness a lot earlier. Doesn't say much about him. Ed.]
   But the supposedly top coppers have been getting away with it forever, as anyone who recalls the abuses of a former Greater Manchester chief con called Anderton will tell you.

“We keep hearing about Olliegarks but what about the Stangarks? Fair's fair. Or are the Stangarks okay?” Radol Baken

Down among the Z-Men
Putridstan is running out of generals. Five or so have been killed in Ukraine whilst trying to gee up the conscripts out in the field instead of hunkering in bunkers and a baker's dozen have been sacked in Moscovicious for being useless and not delivering the instant victory which their crazed leader was expecting.
   Heads of the KGB are also being binned for telling Putrid what he wants to hear instead of risking a dose of poison by telling him the appalling truth.
   Putrid, natch, is taking absolutely none of the blame.

“It has become fashionable to claim that Putrid the Poisoner killing people all over the world is somehow our fault. What bollocks. He's a mad, bad bastard. Everyone knows it. We didn't put him where he is today, that was the criminals running Asuris.
   “All the blame is 100% theirs and none is ours.
   “So all you bleeding heart liberals can go and bleed on some bugger else. We're having none of your contrivances. With the emphasis on the ‘con'.” L.G.R.

Q: When would be a good time to buy Chelski FC?
A: After it has gone bust and it's worth about 3p.

Putrid the Poisoner is claiming he got the Guardian Angel of Peace medal from the Pope in 2019. This has forced the Vatican to declare that he is just spreading more fake news as no such medal exists; like everything else in Nitpu's fantasy world.

The Chinese plague has suffered the humiliation of being demoted below influenza in the NHS lethality league table.

The self-important leader of the Scottish Tories has realized that no one gives a monkey's about what he thinks and he is going to stop yelling for President Boris to resign.

Q: Is it possible that women will be erased just because a handful of blokes want to pretend they are female?
A: In a world as crazy as this one, the more it looks like something is out of the frog box, the more likely it is to happen.

The looney left mob is yelling its collective head off because the likely next head of the Charity Commission ain't a card-carrying member of that particular sorry crowd and they are not being allowed to rig the outcome of the selection process.

Q: Is there a better alibi than the alleged climate crisis for not doing something or doing something really stoopid and unnecessary?
A: We've yet to come across one.

Xtinction event?
Mountain rescue teams in the Scottish Highlands are finding themselves rushed off their feet. Unlocked brainless people are dashing out into the wilds totally unprepared for the rigours of the climate north of the border and ending up in deep trouble.
   It's as if snoflakery has reduced IQs drastically and people are becoming too stoopid to survive at an increased rate.

Q: PWANM?
A: Persons Who Are Not Men.
[They used to be called wimmin. Ed.]

“Doing Cyrano de Bergerac without the nose is self-indulgent nonsense. The nose is what the story is all about. It's like doing Quasimodo without the hump or Long John Silver with 2 legs. Just pillocky perversity.” Kurt Short

Q: Go on then, what does a new cold war caused by Putrid the Poisoner mean for Africa, as some stooge was asking?
A: The Dark Continent just slides deeper into the pocket of Nachi, Putrid's ally and source of off-the-books aid for the despot class.
“I don't know if Putrid is the most detestable person on the planet but he is certainly the most detested.” Noah Chance

Another Xtinction event?
The Greens in Wee Burneystan are not enjoying being in a ruling coalition with the SNP.
   They have found themselves in the uncomfortable position of having to do things and take responsibility for the bog-ups instead of their usual role of sitting on the sidelines with pea-shooters, taking the opposite position to whatever the government is doing at any given moment.
With only one Green party MP in Westmonster, she is not going to Xperience this ordeal and probably Xtremely grateful for this state of affairs.

The reason why Mrs. The Boy Beckham's fashion business is a flop has been revealed. She tries to flog overpriced frocks that look like the wearer was standing next to an Xploding tin of tomato & fawlty soup.

Eaton School is to do levelling down by teaching the lower classes to be fags and Flashpersons.

They don't do fake news in Asuris. They call it maskirovki there. Same thing only different. It's supposed to be a military thing but with the KGB running everything, that doesn't make much practical difference.

Try to look like you mean it for Gord’s sake
This week's apology from Wee Burney is for the haircut she chose to deploy when issuing a meaningless apology to women who were done in as witches 300 years ago, long before she and her gang started running Scotlandland into the dumps.
   Doing something useful or even vaguely relevant is far to much to Xpect from the likes of Wee Bee. And will she listen to anything she's told? Like that's ever going to happen.

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Implausible Deniability

+++ Putrid double does insane rant for paid audience in echo of Nuremberg rally +++ 'Live' broadcast descends into fiasco when tape keeps breaking ++ + Double left miming to imitation microphone +++ Video inserts in allegedly live broadcast blatantly obviously recordings +++ Credibility down tubes + ++ Putrid chews carpet +++ Heads will roll +++

Just a thought but is Pudrid the Poisoner suffering from mad cow disease? Apparently, it can lie dormant in the 'uman body for up to 5 decades before erupting.

The government's refusal to let ex-prince Hairy pick through the personnel records of the Metropolitan Police to choose a team of bodyguards means that we will be spared a visit from him this year—and probably next year as well.

“Can there be anything more humiliating for Putrid than having to go cap in hand to Nachi for economic & military aid and being turned down flat?” Bon Rollo
“On the other hand, where's the independent verification? One oppressive regime helping out another—for a price, natch—and lying about it to avoid a trade boycott by the West. That's an official one rather than the one that's going on at an individual customer level.” Olaf Huckett
“Putrid is a busted flush now; and he knows it. It's all a question of how many more people he can kill and how much more damage he can do before he gets the bullet himself.” Dyelin Long

“Gordon F. Broon, the man who stole your pension and came up with 357 Stealth Taxes telling the government to cut taxes? What a joke. Slushtag ^UnreliableWitness.” Sven Rollo

FWW1 Week 1
Team Far Queue wins dramatic opening round of World Motor Entertainment Championship!
   Despite dramatic engine fires during Friday practice and the second round of Saturday qualifying, TFQ lined up in 16th place on the grid for the 1st round of what is promised to be an action-packed season with scripts from hacks in the world of TV wrestling.
    TFQ's superior strategy put their driver in 5th place after the 2nd round of pit stops, but there he looked likely to remain. But there was drama on the last lap.
   Team Blootered, the main Scottish entry, was leading a pack of 4 cars toward the chicane on the approach to the start/finish straight. Suddenly, 12-18 (estimates vary) naked go-go dancers appeared @ the trackside and all 4 leaders ran off the track into an unnegotiable gravel trap.
   They were still making futile attempts to extract themselves when the TFQ car swept past them on its way to the first win of a new season. By this time, the go-go dancers had vanished as mysteriously as they had appeared.

In Romiley, BP petrol today is 167.9p/litre and diesel is 179.9p/litre.

It’s definitely Spring now
March 20th and guess what? Romiley's Spring Indicator daffodil (Narcissus vernis indicens) burst into flower. The twits @ the Met Office might want us to believe there is something called meteorological spring but Nature knows better.

London's cosmetic mayor is doing his Sadgeek best to keep Dockson of Dick Green in place as the figurehead for the Met so that there is someone more detested than him in the capital.
+++ Bill 'n' Kate Royal Visit in Belize stalled by local rachelists +++ Natives blame their endemic corruption on colonialism +++ Buck not accepted +++
“Once upon a time, the world's map was red with countries enjoying the civilizing effect of the Britisch Empire. Now, the red marks places no sane person would visit voluntarily.” Oguni Chin

Even though N. Zaghari-Ratcliffe & A. Ashoori have been released from their bug infested gaol cells in Iran, the place remains the arse-end of the universe, much like Russia.

Abracadaver
"A conflict initiated by an ageing and out of touch leadership that led to untold misery and needless loss of life."
• Afghanistan?
• Ukraine?
• Both?

Putrid the Poisoner is running so short of generals that he has had to make himself one to make up the numbers.

Record numbers of Britisch kids are offering to bunk off school to make room for Ukrainian refugee children.

Want to kill some Russians? Perfectly legally?
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Surprise! The DoomBuggers have been lying about the UK excess deaths rate due to the Chinese plague. It's about the global average rather than inflatedly higher. Natch, Sirb Eery Steamer got it wrong, but that seems to be what he is for.
Sirk Reepy Steamer also reckons that a bloke pretending to be a woman is a woman. Which Xplains how he came to be called Kreepy.
Another self-inflicted footful of bullet is Sirb Eery's moan about President Boris giving a peerage to a Russian bloke—who turned out to be a guy Sirb Eery's been cosying up to.
   And one in the other foot—he's against getting more gas & oil from the Middle East though increased production to push his mates in Narzi Russia out of the market.
   Beery gob open, a disaster on the way.

Let them eat pizza
Stuff normally grown in greenhouses isn't being as they are now too Xpensive to heat. Peppers, aubergines, cucumbers and lotz of other veg are going to be Xtinct for a while thanks to Putrid the Poisoner. Chickens & pigs are also heading for the same destination.
   The UK is pretty self-sufficient in wheat, which means we will still be able to enjoy a bread sandwich. Nothing in it, of course, unless it's another slice of bread. And not toasted, of course, 'coz of the energy crisis.

“Anyone who is claiming to be outraged by President Boris mentioning Brexit and Ukraine in the same sentence is a looney outrage confecter, who deserves to be strung up from a lamp post for a wet weekend. Screw you, drop dead.” Noah Kanduh
“Russia killing people in Ukraine is ‘unacceptable'. P&O sacking 800 staff is ‘wholly unacceptable'. We seem to have a sense of proportion failure at the cliché factory.” G. Wiz
[Mealy-mouthed, greaseball politicians don't seem to be v. popular. Ed.]

Abram O'Vich may be trying to unblacken his profile by making people think he's having a relationship with a young thing who may, or may not, have Ukrainian roots. Well, at least he's making an effort even if it probably won't work.

Lest anyone is in any doubt, our NHS is NOT the envy of the world. It's Nightingales led by donkeys, who don't give a rat's arse about the customers and getting value for money for taxpayers' dosh.
   It's the looney left inaction.
   It's the institution every government of every political complexion dare not shame and reform and get working to the 100% benefit of the customers.

Not before time
'Influencing' is to become a specific cybercriminal offence in England & Wales. Unqualified people who ruin the lives of gullible internet users will become liable for up to two years in gaol when the current CyberSafety Bill clears Parliament.
   The legal trade is looking forward to another bonanza and the clerks of the creaking court system are going into even deeper despair.

Russians aboard the International Space Station are obliged to wear Ukraine yellow overalls as a condemnation of their Nazi leader's deadly & unprovoked assault on a neighbour.

Ticket offices at railway stations are to be abolished. In future, customers will have to swipe a valid debit or credit card @ the doorway to gain access to a train. The fare-dodging lobby is outraged.

The Saudi government is hoping for an entry in the Guinness Book of Records after killing 81 customers in an orgy of execution on the second Saturday of the month.
Lawyers acting on behalf of the Kangaroo Konfederacy are preparing to sue the Saudi court system for giving their clients a bad name.
There is a feeling that the departed could well be better off dead than subject to continuous beatings and torture in the Saudi prison system.

Blame it on that God person
"I'm walking backwards for Christmas" was a joke song by the Goons. Some 70 years later, it has become fashionable for wonks to run backwards and pretend it will get them fitter than doing it properly.
   "Look on his works, ye mighty, and despair."
“Never, ever underestimate the 'uman capacity for doing something totally stoopid.” Veniz Nyeder
“If we don't end war, war will end us, we are told in the film of H.G. Wells' book Things To Come. With characters like Putrid the Poisoner allowed to stroll around unkilled, it looks like we as a species can't be all that bothered about the prospect of Xtinction.” Stet Andrews

Q: FWUK?
A: Fashiontrade Wonks of the UK.

reissued BOOK OF THE MONTH The Little Book of Favourite Bible Stories This classic for children of all ages Includes:  • How Samson slew Delilah with the jawbone of an ass  • How Moses set fire to the money-changers in the temple with a burning bush  • How Jesus walked on water and fell in because Judas had moved one of the     just-submerged stepping stones  • How Moses started across the Red Sea after an off-shore earthquake had caused a     very low tide, only to be wiped out by a tsunami And Lots, Lots More!!! Get an autographed copy for £28.50 from: Romiley Book Store, 45 Riverside Drive

Public Service Announcement He's been called the Blogger of the Decade His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

WEEK 4   CancelCommies, NullificationNazis and much, much more

 
Names will be named!
Lobby groups are being outed for black-on-black rachelism. They conspire to lower the Xpectations of non-whites so that they can make a living out of agitating about equality deficits.
   Their big problem is the television industry, where non-whites and sexual deviants are over-represented, but pointing this out is not PC and nothing is ever done about it.

On the one hand, we are being told that the UK needs to grow more food to insulate ourselves against global shortages. On the other, the rewilders are agitating for farmland to be demolished. Bloody typical.

Q: Morganatic marriage?
A: Getting hitched to a bloke called Flash.

Russians shoot down airliner over southern China as retaliation for failure to back their invasion of Ukraine @ the UN?

Putrid & other Russian war criminals ending up in Britisch gaols?
In yer dreams.

They can't put Avram O'Vich on trial in Russia for fraud over his oligarkepcy without putin Putrid in the dock beside him as a co-kleptik.

In a matter of 6 weeks, Putrid the Poisoner could get as many Russian troops killed in Ukraine as the casualty figure for the entire decade-long expedition in Afghanistan.

Imitation, oui, flattery, non!
President pro-tem MacRon of France has been showered with derision after he swapped his suited 'n' booted political look for a casual style meant to mimic President Zelensky of Ukraine, an actual man of the people. No doubt Ron is taking notes for payback after he wangles his way into another term.

Labour icon Pixie Balls-Cooper, the refugee's friend, faces the prospect of having to testify against herself in a court of inquiry.
   Like her beery leader, she has been agitating about that peerage which went to Lord Lebedev (Russian). Like her beery leader, she has agitated for an inquiry only to be reminded about all the cosying up that she did toward the polygarch and suspected Putrid pal.
   Yet another case of 'do as I say now, not as I did in the past' from the looney left.

The Ford motor company will sell only green vehicles from 2035 onward. Sales in countries which are not Islamist are expected to plummet.
At the present rate of growth, 50% of the population will be seeking a referral to NHS mental 'elf services by 2035, the year Ford will stop painting its vehicles any colour other than green. The Xperts are currently trying to confect a connection.

Q: What do you get if you make a false claim @ a tribunal hearing that your boss stabbed your hand with a ballpoint pen?
A: A chance to donate 85 grand to the legal trade.

Marsman Musk (50) has challenged Putrid the Poisoner (72) to a judo match on the strength of the dictator having a black belt in the sport. [If he does, he probably nicked it off someone else. Ed.]
   Like that's going to happen for reasons starting with the age gap. In that case, who's next for the Musk Pointless Challenge? The Pope? Creaky Joe? The late Saddam Hussein?

Q: Does a game warden have to have a game leg? Or two?
A: It's entirely optional and at the employer's discretion.

Because everyone hates Man. Utd. so much the decaying football stadium @ Old Trafford is to be demolished and the team will relocate to the outskirts of Minsk.

“Putridstan thinks Creaky Joe calling their poisoner-for-life a war criminal is 'unacceptable'? Is that as unacceptable as him actually being a war criminal who is surrounded by others of the same ilk?” Palin D. Rome

“'It's only live once', the plugs say. But if you've read the script for the FWW1 motoring entertainment do this weekend, and they stick to it, so bloody what?” Davol Gester

Q: What are the oldest tartans?
A: As fake as the youngest ones.

Yello Peril Plot
Ever wondered why the oceans haven't risen by huge amounts, as the gorbal warmage fraudsters promised, and drowned all coastal areas?
   It's because the minions of China realized a decade and a half ago that they were running out of water. Alerted, the government embarked on a massive reservoir construction campaign, which has hoovered up all the ice-cap melt and a lot more. It has also got the GW fraudsters oh, so miffed by depriving them of a disaster.

Something else that has miffed off the GW fraudsters is the fact that sea levels are rising naturally at about a foot per hundred years. This rate has not accelerated since the 1950s, when humans started adding measurable amounts of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere. Any dramatic rises of the 'hockey stick' variety come from dodgy climate models and satellite data.
   It remains a fact that if humans ceased all carbon dioxide production right now and permanently, this would have no effect on the natural rise of sea levels. Sad but true.

You probably don't want to kno this but if you weren't paying attention, you could well have missed National Yorkshire Pud Day (Feb. 1st), Groundhog Day USA (Feb. 2nd) & International Sword Swallowers Awareness Day (Feb. 28th)

How to manufacture a Climate Egermency
• Step 1, take NASA’s Goddard Institute for Space Studies date for global land-ocean temperatures from 1880 to 2020 and find that it shows a gradual and unalarming temperature rise of just 1.1 deg.C (1.98 deg.F).
• Step 2, realize this ain't going to frighten the pants orf anyone.

• Step 3, slice off the very top of the graph and reduce the temperature span from 60 deg.F to just 2 deg.F.
• Step 4, Publish in the likes of theGrauniad and use this spiky misrepresentation of reality to pretend that we're all going to Hell unless we fill the pockets of the gorbal warmage fraudsters with all our dosh. For more detail see the EverythingClimate.org website.

“That's quite a graphic swindle, going from something that looks like a garden fence to the Rocky Mountains.” Guy Dunk
“That's why they're called GW Fraudsters. There's no lie they won't tell to keep the dosh flowing their way.” Mac Aigrey

The bloke who was Archbish of Cantab back in 2009 announced that he had had a word with God, who wasn't minded to do anything about gorbal warmage. Requests to see the email Xchange came to nothing but it certainly looks like the deity knew there was nothing to twist knickers about and saw no reason to get involved.

Of course, it makes sense for the Middle East to up production of oil & gas. Even the despicable regimes have a product they need to sell—and do it fast 'coz the gorbal warmage gang are out to ban them in the next few decades.
   But will they have the good sense to take the money and run while they can? Or will they be unable to resist the temptation to play silly bugger politics whilst Putrid is running rampage and doing the same?

Degree of Indecency
Nottingham U. is in the dock for giving hon. degrees to all manner of dodgy foreigners, who were involved in fraud, state-sponsored thuggery & the like, and then deciding to cancel the degree it was going to award to a Britisch candidate because he dared to publish a report which rubbishes the looney left's claim of universal rachelism in the UK.

Once the Court of Public Opinion has ruled, all decisions are final and not subject to appeal.

Things judges do No. 12,482
Reduce the gaol sentence of a woman who was involved in the murder of her 16-month-old daughter by several years because losing her child is a mitigating circumstance, throwing business the way of the Court of Appeal.

Watching a 4-minute video of someone flying a plane; one in which the controls are kept out of shot; makes people 12½% less worried about things ending in a fatal crash if they have to try landing a sizeable aircraft. Or so Xperts in New Zealand reckon.

Abram O'Vich is reported to be feeling the pinch. His fortune has shrunk from a guestimated $20 BILLION to around a mere $5 BILLION and he is welcome only in Russia, China and their satellites such as Syria, Pakistan & N. Korea. Life ain't much fun any more, and it will be even less fun when his superyachts run out of booze and can't dock anywhere decent to resupply.

Today's Definition: Debt Restructuring—writing off debts & pretending they have been settled. See also 'collapse of Russian economy'.

Sounds Fantastic enough to be true!
As the closing sequence of the 2015 film The Fantastic Four, a number 4 appears on the screen and acquires a box around it.
   Is it beyond the bounds of possibility that one of Putrid the Poisoner's stooges saw the film and stole the idea of putting a box around the Z symbol worn by Putrid's war criminals—hoping it would make the rest of the world believe that being Z-list is Fantastic?

Comes back around or We’ve bin ’ere before
At this time of year in 2009, the country was shirking @ home due to Mexican Lazy Swine Flu and corrupt gorgon f. broon labour was about to blow MILLIONs on immunizing MPs, their entire family and 'essential government staff'. When there was a vaccine.
[Expected around the time seasonal flu vaccinaction would be on offer. Ed.]

Back then, notorious DoomBugger Prof. N. Fergusson was predicting that 40% of the population would get lazy swine flu. And a decade later, with the Chinese plague rampant, his mathematical models are still duff. Just as they were at the start of the century when he was helping to get 8 million healthy farm animals 'slaughtered illegally' even though they didn't have foot 'n' mouth.

The World Hype Organization (WHO) was claiming that 1.2 million people in the UK would die of lazy swine flu. No improvement in their credibility, either.

An unusual burst of honesty from the corrupt broon labour government resulted in the nation being told that wearing a surgical mask would not stop people from getting lazy swine flu, but wearing a mask would remind everyone to take precautions to avoid a dose of MLSF.

They’ve been doing it for donkey’s years
Also back in April 2009, the Association of Cheap Police Officers (ACPO) banned the term 'blind as a bat' on diversity grounds to avoid giving offence to flying mammals. The older they get, the more stoopid they become appears to be the enduring rule for senior coppers.

“What the government needs to do is get right away from all the Boris Bollocks virtue flagging about things being world leading and get on with things that are moral and decent and right for the UK. If the rest of the world wants to follow our example, fine. If they don't, fuck 'em.” Tomar Shevskiy

“There's no point in being rich and paying a fortune in Rikishi Snack's Stealth Taxes if you can't use your wealth to protect your reputation from sleazemongers.” M. Stron
“Right! Let the peasants starve. Wot do we care?” Inser Gent
“Just who decides what is public interest and what is idle nosiness anyway?” Inser Vility

“We live on an island surrounded by fish. So why are chip shops buying it from Russia and threatening to go out of business because of the 35% tariff on stuff from Putinstan?”

Q: D.M.D.?
A: Dozy Muddled Dunce.

A process of evilution
According to sometime prime monster and war criminal t.b. liar, Putrid the Poisoner started out as a reformer but he found that he could steal more money than he knew what to do with, and that turned him into a demented fantasist with a Hitler complex.
   Although, he has also been compared to General Galtieri, who attacked the Falkland Islands in 1982 to distract attention from the bog he was making of things in Argentina.
[And look how that worked out for him. Ed.]

Calculators on overtime
The National Association of Cheap Police Officers (NACPO) has calculated that given the current rate of default, all fines for breaches of Chinese plague regulations will not be paid before September 19th, 2027.
[That's all collectable fines rather than all actual ones. Ed.]

The wheel and the handle are in a battle for dominance in the Best Invention of All Time Competition.

“'Cast your bread on the waters, for you will find it in many ways'. But only if you are really keen on soggy, fish-nibbled crumbs.” Fass Aisle

If a woman in hospital claims she was raped by another customer, who is a bloke pretending to be a woman and on the books as female, then the morons running the hospital will tell the police that the raped woman is lying.
   This happens due to the wonk boneheadedness of listing patients according to what they say their gender is rather than their sex.
“Whenever this happens, whoever decided that the rapist bloke should be logged on to the system as a woman should be charged as an accessory before the fact.” Ura Nasso

It is highly probably that the UK was fearmongered into the plague lockdowns due to sloppy record keeping, with lotz of deaths of people who didn't have it attributed to the Chinese plague.
   In other words, the usual shambollocks, no one responsible, no one sacked and more of the same expected next time.

What is it about this area of England/Wales?
The morons running Swansea's National Waterfront Museum are going to wokewash an exhibition built around the first ever steam locomotive, which was invented at the start of the 19th century.
   Why? Because the loco is steam-powered and steam is generated from water, which was used by the slave trade. [And still is. Ed.]
“Wot next? Has to be British Waterways. All them canals full of water, which was used by the slave trade!!! Aaaaaagh!!!” R.H.
“And every maritime museum and ship exhibit like HMS Victory. Ships were used by the slave trade. Aaaaaaagh!!!” Kai Yakken

Trivial party leader E. Davey thinks that if he accuses President Boris of being a national embarrassment, he will magically stop being one himself. Amazing!
“The guy is just being a Putin; another lying, cheating, swindling politician.” Arfur Se7en

“Discarded prime monsters G.F. Broon & J. Major are just blowing smoke if they think the International Criminal Court @ The Hague has the power to prosecute Putrid the Poisoner for war crimes.
   “It doesn't without a mandate from the UN Security Council. Something that would be vetoed by Russia and its ally China.” Des Peration
“'Committing a crime is not the same thing as being found guilty of a crime.' Especially if the criminals are running the court and/or paying off its officers with suitable bribes.” Klep Toegark
“If it looks like a war criminal, if it walks like one, if it talks like one, if it smells like one, it's Putrid.” Reol Deol
“All that picture just above does is make him look like Blakey, the vexatious inspector in On The Buses!” Petro Dollar

China's 'Zero Strategy' for the plague which it brewed up at the virus laboratory in Wuham has created an interesting result.
   Whilst the official plague death rate is 5½ thousand for Hong Kong, it is only 4½ thousand for the whole of the rest of the country. This is thanks to an 'Alternative Diagnosis' strategy for plague deaths outside Hong Kong.

Sometimes, corruption does win
Does history repeat itself relentlessly? This looks like happening in the Philippines. The son of the ousted kleptocrat and murderer F. Marcos, known to the locals as the Filipino version of BungaBunga, looks likely to be the next president.
   No doubt his successful election outcome was funded by some of the Putrid-like fortune of $10,000 million stolen & stashed by his Ma & Pa.
[Ma is Imelda of the 3,000 pairs of shoes, in case anyone has forgotten. Ed.] .

Q: Russian News?
A: Fake news that's malicious and deliberately misleading.
“Smert Putridamn. Not prosecuted, propped up & shooted.” Dion Moxo

The chattering classes made a big thing about President Boris being in Saudia when the state performed 3 executions. But none of the chatterers offered a word of information about the deceased. Were they Khashoggis and whistle-blowers about the corrupt regime? Were they Putinazis who should have been ripped apart by 4 wild horses? That doesn't seem to matter when the looney left are doing a whinge about Boris.

Q: M.B.S.?
A: Multiple Bonce Severer

The lesser evil
Ukraine has to choose between Russia and the EFU? They're both corrupt kleptocracies but Ukraine knows all about corrupt government. That's how the current president, once a comedian, got the job. But the EFU doesn't have as many tanks as Russia and a mandate to use them to kill potential customers.
   Yes, the EFU will rob you blind but it won't blast you to bitz.
The EFU is conducting 120 fraud investigations in Bulgaria. Politicians & officials have made billions of euros vanish there. No convictions are Xpected of anyone with juice, and no executions.

Chancellor Rikishi Snack is on course to get the nation's tax burden back to what it was when corrupt new labour & Gordon F. Broon were swindling the customers. He is now @ a choke point.
   If he raises taxes any higher, he will be throttled & dumped in landfill somewhere, and bang will go his chances of ever being the prime monster.
“Maybe he's trying to do what Labour always does—dig a HUGE Brown Hole in the economy then the Tories scuttle off into the bushes at the next election leaving Labour, for once, to find out what it's like to clean up some one else's mess. Or make it even worse to teach snoflake customers the folly of voting for them.” Klep Toecap

Spring Forward: Everything happens an hour earlier than you want it to tomorrow after the clocks go on an hour to Britisch Summer Time.
[Even though we are barely into spring. Ed.]

Back markers still
Despite being taken back to mediaeval times by the murderous & oppressive Talibandits, Afghanistan remains firmly stuck @ the bottom of the World Happiness League, according to the UNO.
   149th out of 149 and nothing to look forward to except more of the same. Rather like Russia, come to think of it.

Wonderful Legacy
According to figures offered by the TUC, the average Britisch worker has lost £60,000 in wages over the last 15 years thanks to the decade plus of mismanagement of the economy by G.F. Broon and corrupt new labour, and the immense debt mountain created by Broon.

Clear White Dredging Spray
Clears away all unwelcome visitors—insect, animal & human
Handbag/pocket size up to MegaBlaster power-spray.
Romiley Gadgets, 3a Riverside Drive

The government is hoping to sneak wind farms back on-shore again, claiming they are vastly cheaper to park there than in the sea and be buggered to all those who go down with V.V.V.D. Syndrome.

Q: V.V.V.D. Syndrome?
A: Visceral Vibratory Vestibular Disturbance Syndrome is a pernicious irritation caused by subsonic and supersonic vibrations created by the blades of wind turbines.
   The move to off-shore wind-farms was an attempt to avoid paying out a vast fortune in compenbloodysation to people affected by badly sited on-land wind farms.

Let us not forget that when the wind don't blow, wind turbines have to be fed electricity to keep the blades moving to prevent their mechanism from seizing up. You don't often, or ever, see that in the justification for them.

Another typical politician's compromise: The Enviromint Department [so-called because of the hole in its head, Ed.] can rewild as much farmland as it likes. But the job has to be done under arrays of solar panels parked on the illegitimately vacant land.

Customers are warned that they need to be ready for lotz of Denial of Service attacks on internet services next February when the Russians try to distraction attention from the first anniversary of their current assault on Ukraine.

Violent video games, the Xperts reckon, are turning kids into mindless terrorism fodder with no regard for human life. Today's kid on a computer could be tomorrow's Xploding Islamist.

Remember: The Gorbal Warmage Swindlers don't know how the Earth's climate works and if they blow our money on doing something, there is a 90% chance, based on past forecasts from them, that they will make things worse.

Q: Why is P&O a non-viable company that's in a hole for a hundred million quid?
A: Because the Arab owners copped for £210 MILLION in dividends last year and another £100 MILLION was blown on a sponsorship deal for a golf tournament this year.

A survey of attitudes in Scotland has revealed that thanks to the polarizing tactics of the SNP, the customers now hate people they think are English; even if they were born in Scotland; more than they hate Xploding Islamists.
   This disrespect of the English is to be declared a hate crime worth a hefty fine initially, and then imprisonment if continued.

Russia has blown so much of its military resources on Putrid's pointless invasion of Ukraine that the country is now no longer in a position to fight off an invading army. The fact that no one has bothered to take the opportunity to invade Russia confirms the view of the rest of the world that there is nothing worth having in Putridstan.
The latest conspiracy theory is that Putrid the Poisoner is not going to be enjoying his looted wealth for much longer. More to come.
Background: Putrid the Poisoner is doing so badly in his assault on Ukraine that he has been forced to cede his Public Enemy No. 1 title to President Boris, the scourge of kleptokrats.
   Putrid's mouthpiece and sanctions target, D. Peskikov, has been forced to admit that the invasion that flopped will lead to a foreign policy dead end.

“The only time the Russians will tell you something close to the truth is when they're trying to persuade you that the something is a lie.” Charlie Horsup

FWW1 Week 2
Unexpected Hazard in the Entertainment Area!
   The Dragon car of Team Conwy was leading Team FarQueue by 50 yards as it approached the final corner of what was acknowledged to be a highly technical track. But the driver had to take violent evasive action to avoid a giant inflatable hippopotamus, which seemed to be on the point of crashing on to the track.
   The Dragon ended up in a gravel trap, the hippo soared back up into the overcast sky, grey merging with grey, and TFQ zoomed on to the finish and a second victory of the season.

Ofcom has cancelled the licence to broadcast of the Russian propaganda TV channel Rasputin Today. No cheers, though. It was done a fortnight after programmes ceased following cancellation by the EFU.

North Sea gas suddenly okay. Same with fracking. Amazing what a mad dictator's invasion of a neighbour will do to formerly essential Boris Green Bollocks.

Yesterday's Scam Call: came from 02045 204 929
This is a bunch of scammers claiming to offer a refund of a washing machine warranty over-payment and trawling for bank account details.

Mental environists are now Enemies of 'Uman Race! That's official!

Putin sanctions lootin’
The Russian authorities call it self-sufficiency. What it actually is is a licence for Russian troops to mug civilians leaving Ukraine along a 'safe corridor' for anything valuable and loot their homes and supermarkets in occupied territory.
   "I was just following orders," said the prisoner in the cell.
   Try telling that to the war crimes commission.

Free-range eggs are Xtinct. The chickens that produce them are still there but they have been locked in since last November due to an outbreak of bird flu and their eggs now have to be labelled as 'barn' rather than 'free-range' 'coz them's the rulz.

People with more money than sense can now blow £1,024 on an imitation of a 20p TESCO plastic carrier bag sold by a Spanish fashion outfit.

The race industry is in trouble for refusing to believe that ethnically non-white people can be anything other than card-carrying members of the looney left. The race raysists are being whacked with the baseball bat of diversity and not enjoying it one little bit.

A shame he won’t get a Sieg to Heil?
Ah . . . nope!
The latest conspiracy theory is that the wheels are about to come off Putrid the Poisoner in an entirely appropriate way.
   His disillusioned former buddies are looking for a way to arrange for him to be poisoned 'accidentally' on purpose as a first step to defusing the international situation and resuming their kleptocrat shenannygoats.

Putrid the Poisoner's ambition to annex Ukraine is nothing new. It was mentioned in the September 2009 issue of BFN. All it needed was the crazy fuquer in the Kremlin to get old enuff and crazy enuff. And desperate enuff.

Talking about annexation, our government has adopted a policy of kidnapping P&O ferries on dodgy 'elf 'n' safety grounds as punishment/harassment for sacking 800 British staff and bringing in cheap foreigners as replacements.

The present Gov. of the Bonk of England, A. Bailey, has come up with an interesting counter to the embarrassing video evidence that he fell asleep during a vital meeting when he was honcho of the Financial Conduct Authority.
   His version is that the job was such a doddle that he could do it in his sleep! So no damage done.
[Definitely worth an 'I' for invention. Ed.]

Pot, Kettle, Broon
Gordon F. Broon does a rant about Putrid the Poisoner invading & wrecking Ukraine. Does the bugger think we've forgotten that he was a cheerleader for an illegal invasion of Iraq, which spread terrorism all over the Middle East? Or that he cosied up to all sorts of repellent dictators?
   When is he going to be up before a war crimes tribunal for all his crimes against 'umanity?

In October 2009, Gordon F. Broon claimed that we had 50 days to save The Planet. How did that work out?

Education in Black Hole
Worcester college @ Oxo University is under investigation for unlawfully discriminating against Christians following confect complaints made by vexatious students.
The equalities minister is having to insist that schools should teach the benefits of the British Empire as a civilizing force, not just the wonk version confected by the anti-Britisch Blob.

The portrait of Squeaker Berko, with the blank space for the coat of arms for the peerage that never happened, is to be removed from pride of place in Squeaker's House and dumped in a dusty cellar with other unwanted artefacts.
   Shame he can't be parked next to it. And billed for the 37 grand it cost the taxpayer.

T for Twit Bosanquet, a vexatious bikist who obstructed traffic to get head-cam shots of a motorist using a phone, faces a fine of a grand under Section 29 of the Road Traffic Act for getting in the way.

Anyone who wants to celebrate the works of the imaginary Devil should eat HotX buns with added cheese and/or chocolate. Why? A clergyman trying to get himself noticed has claimed that they are the work of the imaginary Devil. Wooo!

Is it surprising that Russia is turning people kidnapped from Ukraine into slaves? Nope, that's what dictatorships do.

Wee Burney Sturgeon has been awarded a Putinazi Prize for claiming that the Russian assault on Ukraine makes the case for Scottisch independence.

Q: What form did biological warfare take before the 20th century?
A: How about giving blankets contaminated with smallpox to American Indians?

Women's sport is heading for Xtinction as blokes claiming to be women are winning all the medals and real wimmin are realizing they have no bloody chance at all.
“If some bloke wants to pretend he's a woman, or vice versa, that's their problem and not a reason why anyone else should go along with the game.” Goldarn Gates
“Being a weirdo is strictly a personal choice. Other people can be polite about it or not, according to their personal choice.” Perry Dontal
“Demanding that others take a weirdo seriously infringes the 'uman bluddy rights of the others, which is a crime against 'umanity of Putin Proportions.” Impy Cunious

“Russia and its allies to be banned from all international events, sporting & otherwise, until full reparations have been paid to Ukraine?” Shug O'Vation
“Especially the Eurovision Song Contest.” Pru Tinazi

Putin the “F-in’ useless” into FA
An Easter Cup semi-final @ Wembley on a day when there are no trains going Darn Sarf from Up North and Liverpool are playing Man. City?
   No doubt the Fs of the FA, who have known about the lack of trains for 6 months, were hoping it would be Arsenal vs Chelski. Didn't bloody work out that way, though.

WEEK 5    Putin the ‘feck’ into confect

 
Engage brain before triggering
Police Scotland's taser crews face having to determine whether a potential customer is a mental 'elf before pulling the trigger and zapping someone with a zillion volts.
   Failure to do so could lead to a day in court facing a compensation claim for violation of 'uman bluddy rights.

Working Hard To Grab Your Dosh
BP petrol in Romiley 167.9p/litre, BP diesel in Romiley 184.9p/litre
Diesel wins by a country mile.

“I noticed that after the clocks went forward on Sunday, files on my PC suddenly had a creation time 1 hour later than the backup copies on data sticks. No doubt evil & vicious criminals are already using his weird phenomenon to create false alibis & cast doubt on date-stamped CCTV evidence files offered by the Can't Prosecute Service.” Octo Stetan

Do you d*a*r*e wear something this ugly? Let your Puddle Boots shock all around you! Go on, we double dog dare you! Romiley Getabouts, 14c Riverside Drive

Sack the Snack?
++ Rikishi Snack—a fiscal delusionist ++ 150 million children to be ploughed into poverty thanks to his policies! ++ His rises in NI and corporation tax will CUT the state's income. ++ That's the lesson of history. ++ Shame he's too Gordon Broon to grasp it.
The Chancellor has 'up to £50 BILLION' wiggle room? So that's anything between nothing and £50B? Not Xactly a basis for doing anything ambitious based on a certain lower limit of Xpectations.
Bubble Blister
Someone who once knew someone else, who went to a cocktail party attended by the Chancellor (but never actually met him), owns shares in an Indian business which still has offices in Russia and still does business there.
   Opposition MPs and other whingeocets are demanding that the Chancellor resign over this. Desperate, or what!

“Yes, Jamaica can become a republic and Yes, we will pay reparations for slavery. After Jamaica has paid us in full for all the civilizing gained by contact with the Britisch Empire and all the investments we made there.” Lowi Slain

Boris Green Bollocks Booted by his own party
Lots of them; MPs, Cabinet members, rank & file; say No to on-shore wind farms as a way of keeping the lights on as occasionals are unreliable as well as being a rip-off for the customer with all the subsidies. Yes, to fracking, though.
   Despite all this, the taxpayer is to be forced to pay bribes to people living near proposed sites for on-shore wind farms as part of the current Boris Green Bollocks Agenda.

The Metropolitan Police Farce is recruiting criminals in an attempt to meet Dockson of Dick Green's unreasonable targets—a job opportunity for Putin the Poisoner when he gets the sack from his current sinecure?
   Cash, drugs, firearms—all allowed to go missing regularly from police storerooms, offering career development opportunities to a kleptokrat.
[With the emphasis on the 'rat'. Ed.]

The spiv tendency heard from—the BBC should offer subscription services on top of a licence fee instead of abolishing the licence fee.

Z for Drop Dead
The Russian army is having to deploy snipers behind its own troops to pick off deserters to persuade the rest not to try to do a bunk.
   Despite this, conscripts and regular troops with no appetite for a fight are legging it, some with equipment and vehicles; including tanks; which are offered to the Ukrainian army in return for a spot of safety.

++ Putrid-sponsored gunmen launch terror attack near Tel Aviv ++ Irish Republic expels 4 Russian diplonazis for confecting terrorist incidents there ++

Last time we had some rain was a fortnight ago. Romiley's gardeners are happy to see the great outdoors getting a drink today. Shoppers, not so much.

Corbin Fodder: Lambeth council (looney left) trying to confect a link between Lord Nelson and slavery. Entirely predictable.

Q: How serious is Save The Children about saving children?
A: Frivolous enuff to turn down BIG donations offered by energy firms which supply gas.

++ No nuclear war after all ++ No World War III on offer ++ Putrid the Poisoner admits defeat ++ Fails to beat Ukraine in an unfair fight ++ Now nibbling @ Nazis in Donbas region only ++ No offers on table for film rights ++
“That's a weird fantasy that Putrid has, that the Chinese would let him start a universal nuclear war and destroy the markets for all the stuff they make.” Pri Krasny
“Right. If he looked like pushing his nuclear button, the first nuke to hit Moscovicious would be from China.” Brid Gerton

Good News, Bad News: You can drink 6 cups of coffee a day and it will do you good. Shame the price is going to sky-rocket and make it unaffordable.

Z for Keep On Truckin’?
There is a theory flying around that Putrid [right] is perfectly safe from a coup as a conspiracy like the one that did for reformer M. Gorb O'Chov in 1991 requires the KGB, the military & politicians to work together.
   This cannot happen in today's post-Gorby Russia as members of all 3 groups are grabokrats [with the emphasis on the 'rats' Ed.], who see members of the other groups as their biggest rivals for all the loot that's stealable.
Capturing Russian tanks and accepting the donations from disillusioned conscript defectors has left the Ukrainian forces with 50% more tanks than at the start of the assault on their country.
“What Ukraine needs to do now is send all its captured Russian tanks into Russia on a regime-changing mission to flush out the Putinazis. The Russians peasants will welcome them with big grins, open arms and flowers.” Shah Mikastren

Sounds Sensible
Is it corporate greed, as the outrage confecters could have us believe, that P&O sacked 800 staff without notice? Or was it just pragmatism?
   The bosses of P&O knew that the trade union wouldn't go along with the plan and they decided not to waste time & resources on the charade of 'consulting' a union that was always going to say no.

Today's Definition: trouble-shouter—someone who magnifies a small problem to major proportions
see also DoomBugger, SAGE, Prof. N. Fergusson.

"A nation cowed and contorted by fear and indoctrination"
Is it (a) the UK, (b) Russia or (c) China?
clue it was said by White Swans author Jung Chang, whose book is banned in China.

The NHS is a monstrosity which wastes billions of pounds and it is run by people who have no regard for the welfare or lives of the customers. That is the only possible conclusion from the investigation into the Shrewsbury & Telford Hospital NHS Trust.
   The police investigating 600 cases, 201 babies & 9 mothers dead due to an obsession with natural birth. And no one held accountable. Stafford Hospital all over again.

New broom, kept in the utility cupboard
How appropriate that Scotland's railways will be nationalized on April First. No immediate improvements are on offer, nor any visible changes, but the new management Xpects to be able to offer a whole range of new and inventive Xcuses for lack of services instead of the blank silence currently on offer from the Dutch company which has been booted into touch.

Blink and you missed it is the story of last night's snow.

Q: What were the Russians doing during all those months of 'training' near Ukraine?
A: Looks like they were practising removing flowers from gun barrels rather than how to avoid getting an anti-tank missle up the arse.

Is it a bad idea to do Royal visits to places like Jamaica as our country's looney left enemies in the BBC and elsewhere will confect all sorts of BS around them.
   Do we need to Cancel the Confecters before there's another? Nope, if the real people enjoy meeting Royals, we should just ignore the whingers and wonk bastards.

Smith does a Putrid
Q: Should actor person W. Smith be allowed to slap a cheeky bastard @ the Oscars jamboree?
A: If it gets the yawnfest O'Scars noticed, Mr. Smith should be allowed to boot the cheeky bastard in the ghoolies for good measure. In fact, that's probably in the script for next year. Bets are now being laid on when they'll have to shoot someone to get noticed.

++ Putrid the Poisoner fails again. ++ Abram O'Vich and two of the Ukrainian negotiators survived an attempt to do them in by Putinazis ++

Joe Does U-ey
The DOPR's methods of waging war have persuaded the POTUS to abandon his campaign pledge to use nukes only after enemy nukes start hitting US or client territory.
   First push of the button is now his policy.
   Safety first is better than glowing in the dark.

Q: DOPR?
A: Despot Of Putrid Russia.

“Justice Sec. D. Raab promises a Donald Trump card for free speech when Labour's tainted 'Uman Rights Act ends up in the Corbin. But not anytime soon 'coz snails are usually road racers compared to governments when it comes to getting useful things done.” Ron D'Ecoy
“What we have is a British Rail of Rights—never on time, never relevant, always a pain in the neck.” Jane Founder

“The significant difference between Putrid the Poisoner & J.K. Rowling is that he deserves to be cancelled and she doesn't.” Dan D'Rufft
“It's not just Creaky Joe who wants to see regime change in Russia. It's everyone who isn't Putrid or one of his kleptokrats or anyone making money out of him.” Noh Zout
“Creaky Joe got it right. The Russian leadership can never be decided by the people of Russia as long as the Putinazis have the heel of a jackboot on the nation's collective neck.” Hollyan Draged

What next? Putrid threatening to burn all books by foreign authors in retaliation for lack of appreciation of his efforts to kill everyone in Ukraine?

There is no place for intolerance in Russia? Where people can be shoved in gaol for 15 years for publishing real news instead of Putrid propaganda? If you're going to lie to us, you could do us the courtesy of making a tiny effort to be convincing.

It’s a con job 4%—that's how much the wind industry contributes to the nation's power supply. And that's only when the wind is blowing. The figure dips into the negative when turbines have to draw power from the grid to keep them moving to prevent them from seizing up.    Then there's the HUGE subsidy of £6 BILLION/year as part of the Boris Green Bollocks Scam, PLUS the subsidies for when the wind don't blow.    Wind turbines are EXPENSIVE and unreliable and unrecyclable, and their use is a great way of driving birds & bats into Xtinction. No wonder they are top of the Boris Green Bollocks Agenda. • Gas turbines, on according to demand, effective service life 30-40 years • Wind turbines, occasional, ESL 15 years • Wind & nuclear are incompatible. Nuclear power stations need to be always on • They can't be switched on and off according to whether the wind is blowing • Nuclear + Wind only—major Green Bollocks Subsidy disaster, already happening

Below the line mission statement: Some of the above is true. BFN is recognized as a premiere class observational blog and a multiple winner of the OB of the Year award.
   We are constantly exposed to dodgy conclusions drawn from dodgy data by the 'experts', especially those found in the world of politics and especially those at the Treasury and in opposition. Some of us civilians at BFN like to join in to let them know that anyone can do it and we ain't impressed by their efforts.

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, March MM22 like anyone cares.