WIDOWER'S Verses from Now & then
and The Grin

N&T #2

PEAS
		Judas hanged himself from a tree.
		A curious use for trees . . .
		What use to perish, no more to cherish
		WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL PEAS ?
BEANS
		Socrates died by his own hand.
		Imagine what this means . . .
		A whole life wasted -- he never tasted
		WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL BEANS !
SAUSAGES [1]
		Darwin sought the source of man
		In terms of links and crossages . . .
		Achieved it, no doubt, but he livfed without
		WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL SAUSAGES !
RHUBARB
		To shoot an apple from his small son's head
		Tell used an accurate, true barb . . .
		Descendants flourishing, reared on nourishing
		WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL RHUBARB !
MARMALADE
		Gone now the Great Sheik of Araby,
		His white steed with some fair charmer lade-
		n. Too old for snogging, he's now busy flogging
		WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL MARMALADE !
MARGARINE
		Children have eyes which are quite large in size
		And Scots bairns hae somewhat larger een
		And in pure delight grow wide at the sight
		of WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL MARGERINE !
PATENT ADHESIVE
		The most intimate article of lingerie
		won't cause a moment's unease if
		You secure your scanties, your briefs or your panties
		With WIDOWER'S PATENT ADHESIVE !
LOBSTER
		Capone ended up in Alcatraz
		The worst Chicago Mobster.
		His life of crime left him no time
		for WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL LOBSTER !
COCOA
		Lewis Mumford's most excellent thesis
		Of buildings baroque and rococo
		Was initiated, and then stimulated
		by WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL COCOA !
CONTRACEPTIVE
		Perhaps your child has his mother's eyes
		But appearances can be deceptive
		Undoubted maternity, but as for paternity
		WIDOWER'S . . . are unable to offer any assistance.


N&T #3

TRUSSES / Bob Bloch
		The mighty Samson's feats of strength
		Entailed no frets nor fusses.
		His lack of strain? The reason's plain --
		WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL TRUSSES !
BRASSIERES / Bob Bloch
		When viewing the wringers of washing machines
		Ample-bosomed young women show fears;
		But if you've a full bust, they just put your trust
		In WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL BRASSIERES !
RUBBER SOLUTION
		The water supplies of Ancient Greece
		Were affected by pollution.
		A certain cure for a leaking sewer
		Is WIDOWER'S RUBBER SOLUTION
PINE ANTISEPTIC
		Diogenese lived inside his tub,
		The lovable old sceptic.
		This brilliant Cynic kept it hygienic
		With WIDOWER'S PINE ANTISEPTIC
ELECTRICAL BLANKET
		In winter, Apollo's chariot
		Needs no starter handle to crank it.
		Engine frozen? You should have chosen
		a WIDOWER'S ELECTRIC BLANKET
H-SECTION GIRDERS
		Achilles girded up his loins,
		And nothing seems as absurd as
		This curious fact -- he achieved this act
		With WIDOWER'S H-SECTION GIRDERS
FIRE EXTINGUISHER
		Pluto muttered in Stygian gloom
		"It's too dark to distinguish a
		Thing in Hades, since Charon displayed his
		WIDOWER'S FIRE EXTINGUISHER
FLYPAPER
		Nero was a frolicsome lad,
		With many a whimsical, sly caper.
		His favourite jest was to seat his guest
		On a WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL FLYPAPER
LIFTING APPLIANCE -- Pat Darrell
		Archimedes said: "I'll move the Earth !"
		The limit of his science.
		You can do the job for twenty-five bob
		With a WIDOWER'S LIFTING APPLIANCE
BULLDOZER -- Pat Darrell
		Hercules cleaned out the Augean Stables,
		A problem that seemed a poser.
		To clean out your byre, you can now hire
		A WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL BULLDOZER
VANISHING CREAM -- Pat Darrell
		The Scarlet Pimpernel came and went
		Like a French Revolution dream.
		Why his success ? Cannot your guess ?
		WIDOWER'S VANISHING CREAM
COFFEE ESSENCE
		We read of the Battle of Bunker Hill,
		In first form history lessons.
		But did they run? It wasn't for fun,
		But for WIDOWER'S COFFEE ESSENCE
EUTHANATIZER
		Since Jael murdered Sisera
		All righteous men despised her.
		Girls, keep your glamour, don't use a hammer --
		Get a WIDOWER'S EUTHANIZER
WART REMOVER
		Alexander conquered the entire world
		With a single adroit manoeuver.
		He sprayed his foes with a high pressure hose
		And WIDOWER'S WART REMOVER


N&T Recap of Issues 1-3

BUTTER
		Lucifer fell from heavenly grace
		And landed in the gutter
		What caused his slide was not his pride
		But WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL BUTTER


N&T #4

MEAT PIES
		"I'll polish you off"! laughted Sweeney Todd,
		Correct in his surmise
		That human flesh can taste quite fresh
		In WIDOWER'S MEAT PIES
SUGAR
		"Once aboard, and the girl is mine,"
		Quoth the villain on his lugger.
		"This lass demure is nearly as pure
		As WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL SUGAR
BLISTER OINTMENT
		Firewalking is hazardous
		To avoid all disappointment
		Ere you begin obtain a tin
		Of WIDOWER'S BLISTER OINTMENT
ELECTRIC KETTLE
		New advances now have put
		All witlches on their mettle;
		Their hellish brews they now infuse
		In a WIDOWER'S ELECTRIC KETTLE
NYLON UNDERWEAR
		Solomon had a thousand wives,
		And eunuchs gazed in wonder where
		This horde of dames played risky games
		In WIDOWER'S NYLON UNDERWEAR
CHASTITY BELT / Chuck Harris
		Godiva ran not the slightest risk
		In cantering out in her pelt . . .
		She was in face a virgo intacta
		With a WIDOWER'S CHASTITY BELT
COMBINATIONS / Chuck Harris
		Salome's dancing and demands
		Caused John's decapitation
		Was Herod entranced because she danced
		Without WIDOWER'S COMBINATIONS
TRAVELLING CIRCUS / Archie Mercer
		In Xanadu built Kublai Khan
		A pleasure dome for his workers . . .
		An illuminated, prefabricated
		WIDOWER'S TRAVELLING CIRCUS
PORTABLE FENCING / Archie Mercer
		The peak of Everest was reached
		By Hillary and Tensing.
		Who staked a claim and surrounded same
		With WIDOWER'S PORTABLE FENCING
CYGNET RING / Archie Mercer
		Leda cuddled the Jovian Swan,
		An unprecedented thing.
		But she got a bit more than she'd bargained for --
		A WIDOWER'S CYGNET RING
XMAS PUDDING / Archie Mercer
		King Canute defied the sea,
		But he couldn't stop it flooding.
		He should have made a barricade
		Of WIDOWER'S XMAS PUDDING
SAUSAGES [2] / Archie Mercer
		If you've sensations of U-radiations
		In almost unbearable dosages,
		We're safe in assuming you've been consuming
		WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL SAUSAGES
HAMMER & SICKLE
		Lenin's October Revolution grew
		To a torrent from a trickle.
		In collective farms he praised the charms
		Of a WIDOWER'S HAMMER AND SICKLE
BELT & BRASSIERE
		The Scarlet Woman of Babylon
		Became rather bulky and messy ere
		She found her form restored to norm
		By a WIDOWER'S BELT & BRASSIERE
CALICO DRAWERS
		Agamemnon slew Iphigenia
		In sight of old Aulis's shores.
		It seems that this slaughter was because his daughter
		Lost her WIDOWER'S CALICO DRAWERS
NARCOTICS
		Picasso's weird and outré shapes
		Appeal to those neurotics
		Who genuflect and then inject
		WIDOWER'S NARCOTICS
MUSTARD PLASTERS
		The haunting song the sirens sang
		Left Ulysses aghast as
		He calmed his fears and plugged his ears
		With WIDOWER'S MUSTARD PLASTERS
DOEDELZAK / Jan Jansen
		Romiley raad: Ontegensprekelijk
		Volksdansen begeleiden met gemak
		Dost men best, en zonder protest
		Met een WIDOWER'S DOEDELZAK


N&T #5

WHALEBONE STAYS
		Elizabeth, the Virgin Queen,
		Was chaste to the end of her days.
		Although they hurt you, keep your virtue
		With WIDOWER'S WHALEBONE STAYS
COPAL VARNISH
		Lescoffier, the wellknown chef,
		Invariably used to garnish
		Legs of ham and cans of Spam
		With WIDOWER'S COPAL VARNISH
PNEUMATIC FALSIES
		The early demure Victorian miss
		Was shocked by intimate waltzes,
		So each young charmer wore as armour
		WIDOWER'S PNEUMATIC FALSIES
BLOOMERS
		Where Florence Nightingale kept her lamp
		Is a source of many rumours.
		She had it concealed, it's now revealed
		In her WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL BLOOMERS
DIAPERS / Bob Bloch
		When the Serpent caused Adam and Eve to fall
		(Was it python, asp, or viper?)
		They had to leave Eden and shortly were needin'
		WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL DIAPERS
PILLS / Bob Bloch
		Moses climbed up Mount Sinai
		For ten tablets to cure mankind's ills:
		But when internal growls distress your bowels
		Buy WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL PILLS !
ASBESTOS TROUSERS / Bob Bloch
		The Boy stood on the Burning Deck:
		That fire was a wow, sir !
		Yet he could, without doubt, have sat it out
		With WIDOWER'S ASBESTOS TROUSERS
PORCELAIN DENTURES
		The Mona Lisa's secret smile
		Which hints of gay adventures
		Could be more daring if she were wearing
		WIDOWER'S PORCELAIN DENTURES
PIANO ACCORDIONS
		As Salome shed her seven veils
		With Herod as an audience
		They beheaded John to the sound of one
		Of WIDOWER'S PIANO ACCORDIONS
SOAP
		The Ancient Mariner, lost at sea
		Had almost given up hope.
		What washed this explorer safely ashore? A
		Bar of WIDOWER'S SOAP !
COD LIVER OIL
		Spartacus led the revolt of the slaves;
		He refused to give a royal
		Tyrant his whim to embalm him
		In WIDOWER'S COD LIVER OIL
SELLOFANE TAPE
		Houdini the Handcuff King
		Could not make his escape
		When he was bound with half a pound
		Of WIDOWER'S SELLOFANE TAPE


N&T #6

HALLOWE'EN LANTERN
		The Edison Electric Lamp
		Could not hope to supplant an
		Age-old joy like that wellknown toy
		HALLOWE'EN LANTERN !
INCINERATOR
		Grave-digging is a dying trade --
		Cremation offers a greater
		Freedom of life -- why not get your wife
		A WIDOWER'S INCINERATOR ?


N&T #7

WONDERFUL FANZINE / Richard Eney
		Harry Turner's lost his wife;
		She's missing from the slan scene
		For obviously NOW AND THEN must be
		A WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL FANZINE
THERMO-STATUE / Joy Clarke
		It may be hot. It may be cold,
		But that is something that you
		Will just have to guess, unless you possess
		A WIDOWER'S THERMO-STATUE
GLIDING CASTORS
		A polstergeist, when moving things,
		Can often cause disasters.
		Furniture moves smooth and sure
		On WIDOWER'S GLIDING CASTORS
HAIR RESTORER
		Medusa's startling head of hair
		Was a spectacle to deplore. A
		Hair-raising guess is she washed her tresses
		In WIDOWER'S HAIR RESTORER.
THIMBLES
		Elderly maids who blush deep red
		At the mention of phallic symbols
		Desplay no shame when they acclaim
		WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL THIMBLES.
EXPORTBIER / Jan Jansen (?)
		Reklameschilder auf dem Mars
		Begrüssen den ersten Pionier
		"Schmeckt gut mit Wurst, löscht Gerfandurst --
		VIDOVER'S EXPORTBIER"


N&T #8

BREAKFAST FOODS
		Rubens painted endless scenes
		Of bulging sloppy nudes,
		Then feasted his eyes on the Family Size
		WIDOWER'S BREAKFAST FOODS
WATER WINGS
		Leander swam the Hellespont,
		And drowned, as Homer sings,
		When Cupid's dart pierced both his heart
		And WIDOWER'S WATER WINGS
GRAIN ELEVATOR
		Aesop's skill at telling tales
		Made him a famous famble relater.
		Some people fall for stories as tall
		As a WIDOWER'S GRAIN ELELVATOR.
LAUNDRY BOILERS
		Workers of the World, Unite !
		More leisure for the toilers !
		Watch sheets and whites come startling bright
		In WIDOWER'S LAUNDRY BOILERS


N&T #9

COOKING SHERRY
		On his deathbed Bacchus lay
		Thinking it quite merry
		Meeting death elated on methylated
		WIDOWER'S COOKING SHERRY


The GRIN #1

CORSETS
		Juno's somewhat statuesque shape
		Needs no diet or force. It's
		Rendered fetching by the two-stretch in
		WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL CORSETS
MODESTY VEST
		Diana, Huntress of the Moon,
		Was aware she looked her best
		Concealed her charms from men-at-arms
		With a WIDOWER'S MODESTY VEST
WINTERWEIGHT KNICKERS
		Venus de Milo's lower limbs
		Might well be slim and chic as
		Marilyn Monroe's if she'd only pose
		In WIDOWER'S WINTERWEIGHT KNICKERS

Produced by the SEPTUAGENARIAN FANS ASSOCIATION™