WIDOWER'S Verses from Now & then
and The Grin
Judas hanged himself from a tree.
A curious use for trees . . .
What use to perish, no more to cherish
WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL PEAS ?
Socrates died by his own hand.
Imagine what this means . . .
A whole life wasted -- he never tasted
WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL BEANS !
Darwin sought the source of man
In terms of links and crossages . . .
Achieved it, no doubt, but he livfed without
WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL SAUSAGES !
To shoot an apple from his small son's head
Tell used an accurate, true barb . . .
Descendants flourishing, reared on nourishing
WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL RHUBARB !
Gone now the Great Sheik of Araby,
His white steed with some fair charmer lade-
n. Too old for snogging, he's now busy flogging
WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL MARMALADE !
Children have eyes which are quite large in size
And Scots bairns hae somewhat larger een
And in pure delight grow wide at the sight
of WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL MARGERINE !
The most intimate article of lingerie
won't cause a moment's unease if
You secure your scanties, your briefs or your panties
With WIDOWER'S PATENT ADHESIVE !
Capone ended up in Alcatraz
The worst Chicago Mobster.
His life of crime left him no time
for WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL LOBSTER !
Lewis Mumford's most excellent thesis
Of buildings baroque and rococo
Was initiated, and then stimulated
by WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL COCOA !
Perhaps your child has his mother's eyes
But appearances can be deceptive
Undoubted maternity, but as for paternity
WIDOWER'S . . . are unable to offer any assistance.
TRUSSES / Bob Bloch
The mighty Samson's feats of strength
Entailed no frets nor fusses.
His lack of strain? The reason's plain --
WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL TRUSSES !
BRASSIERES / Bob Bloch
When viewing the wringers of washing machines
Ample-bosomed young women show fears;
But if you've a full bust, they just put your trust
In WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL BRASSIERES !
The water supplies of Ancient Greece
Were affected by pollution.
A certain cure for a leaking sewer
Is WIDOWER'S RUBBER SOLUTION
Diogenese lived inside his tub,
The lovable old sceptic.
This brilliant Cynic kept it hygienic
With WIDOWER'S PINE ANTISEPTIC
In winter, Apollo's chariot
Needs no starter handle to crank it.
Engine frozen? You should have chosen
a WIDOWER'S ELECTRIC BLANKET
Achilles girded up his loins,
And nothing seems as absurd as
This curious fact -- he achieved this act
With WIDOWER'S H-SECTION GIRDERS
Pluto muttered in Stygian gloom
"It's too dark to distinguish a
Thing in Hades, since Charon displayed his
WIDOWER'S FIRE EXTINGUISHER
Nero was a frolicsome lad,
With many a whimsical, sly caper.
His favourite jest was to seat his guest
On a WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL FLYPAPER
LIFTING APPLIANCE -- Pat Darrell
Archimedes said: "I'll move the Earth !"
The limit of his science.
You can do the job for twenty-five bob
With a WIDOWER'S LIFTING APPLIANCE
BULLDOZER -- Pat Darrell
Hercules cleaned out the Augean Stables,
A problem that seemed a poser.
To clean out your byre, you can now hire
A WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL BULLDOZER
VANISHING CREAM -- Pat Darrell
The Scarlet Pimpernel came and went
Like a French Revolution dream.
Why his success ? Cannot your guess ?
WIDOWER'S VANISHING CREAM
We read of the Battle of Bunker Hill,
In first form history lessons.
But did they run? It wasn't for fun,
But for WIDOWER'S COFFEE ESSENCE
Since Jael murdered Sisera
All righteous men despised her.
Girls, keep your glamour, don't use a hammer --
Get a WIDOWER'S EUTHANIZER
Alexander conquered the entire world
With a single adroit manoeuver.
He sprayed his foes with a high pressure hose
And WIDOWER'S WART REMOVER
N&T Recap of Issues 1-3
Lucifer fell from heavenly grace
And landed in the gutter
What caused his slide was not his pride
But WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL BUTTER
"I'll polish you off"! laughted Sweeney Todd,
Correct in his surmise
That human flesh can taste quite fresh
In WIDOWER'S MEAT PIES
"Once aboard, and the girl is mine,"
Quoth the villain on his lugger.
"This lass demure is nearly as pure
As WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL SUGAR
Firewalking is hazardous
To avoid all disappointment
Ere you begin obtain a tin
Of WIDOWER'S BLISTER OINTMENT
New advances now have put
All witlches on their mettle;
Their hellish brews they now infuse
In a WIDOWER'S ELECTRIC KETTLE
Solomon had a thousand wives,
And eunuchs gazed in wonder where
This horde of dames played risky games
In WIDOWER'S NYLON UNDERWEAR
CHASTITY BELT / Chuck Harris
Godiva ran not the slightest risk
In cantering out in her pelt . . .
She was in face a virgo intacta
With a WIDOWER'S CHASTITY BELT
COMBINATIONS / Chuck Harris
Salome's dancing and demands
Caused John's decapitation
Was Herod entranced because she danced
Without WIDOWER'S COMBINATIONS
TRAVELLING CIRCUS / Archie Mercer
In Xanadu built Kublai Khan
A pleasure dome for his workers . . .
An illuminated, prefabricated
WIDOWER'S TRAVELLING CIRCUS
PORTABLE FENCING / Archie Mercer
The peak of Everest was reached
By Hillary and Tensing.
Who staked a claim and surrounded same
With WIDOWER'S PORTABLE FENCING
CYGNET RING / Archie Mercer
Leda cuddled the Jovian Swan,
An unprecedented thing.
But she got a bit more than she'd bargained for --
A WIDOWER'S CYGNET RING
XMAS PUDDING / Archie Mercer
King Canute defied the sea,
But he couldn't stop it flooding.
He should have made a barricade
Of WIDOWER'S XMAS PUDDING
SAUSAGES  / Archie Mercer
If you've sensations of U-radiations
In almost unbearable dosages,
We're safe in assuming you've been consuming
WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL SAUSAGES
HAMMER & SICKLE
Lenin's October Revolution grew
To a torrent from a trickle.
In collective farms he praised the charms
Of a WIDOWER'S HAMMER AND SICKLE
BELT & BRASSIERE
The Scarlet Woman of Babylon
Became rather bulky and messy ere
She found her form restored to norm
By a WIDOWER'S BELT & BRASSIERE
Agamemnon slew Iphigenia
In sight of old Aulis's shores.
It seems that this slaughter was because his daughter
Lost her WIDOWER'S CALICO DRAWERS
Picasso's weird and outré shapes
Appeal to those neurotics
Who genuflect and then inject
The haunting song the sirens sang
Left Ulysses aghast as
He calmed his fears and plugged his ears
With WIDOWER'S MUSTARD PLASTERS
DOEDELZAK / Jan Jansen
Romiley raad: Ontegensprekelijk
Volksdansen begeleiden met gemak
Dost men best, en zonder protest
Met een WIDOWER'S DOEDELZAK
Elizabeth, the Virgin Queen,
Was chaste to the end of her days.
Although they hurt you, keep your virtue
With WIDOWER'S WHALEBONE STAYS
Lescoffier, the wellknown chef,
Invariably used to garnish
Legs of ham and cans of Spam
With WIDOWER'S COPAL VARNISH
The early demure Victorian miss
Was shocked by intimate waltzes,
So each young charmer wore as armour
WIDOWER'S PNEUMATIC FALSIES
Where Florence Nightingale kept her lamp
Is a source of many rumours.
She had it concealed, it's now revealed
In her WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL BLOOMERS
DIAPERS / Bob Bloch
When the Serpent caused Adam and Eve to fall
(Was it python, asp, or viper?)
They had to leave Eden and shortly were needin'
WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL DIAPERS
PILLS / Bob Bloch
Moses climbed up Mount Sinai
For ten tablets to cure mankind's ills:
But when internal growls distress your bowels
Buy WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL PILLS !
ASBESTOS TROUSERS / Bob Bloch
The Boy stood on the Burning Deck:
That fire was a wow, sir !
Yet he could, without doubt, have sat it out
With WIDOWER'S ASBESTOS TROUSERS
The Mona Lisa's secret smile
Which hints of gay adventures
Could be more daring if she were wearing
WIDOWER'S PORCELAIN DENTURES
As Salome shed her seven veils
With Herod as an audience
They beheaded John to the sound of one
Of WIDOWER'S PIANO ACCORDIONS
The Ancient Mariner, lost at sea
Had almost given up hope.
What washed this explorer safely ashore? A
Bar of WIDOWER'S SOAP !
COD LIVER OIL
Spartacus led the revolt of the slaves;
He refused to give a royal
Tyrant his whim to embalm him
In WIDOWER'S COD LIVER OIL
Houdini the Handcuff King
Could not make his escape
When he was bound with half a pound
Of WIDOWER'S SELLOFANE TAPE
The Edison Electric Lamp
Could not hope to supplant an
Age-old joy like that wellknown toy
HALLOWE'EN LANTERN !
Grave-digging is a dying trade --
Cremation offers a greater
Freedom of life -- why not get your wife
A WIDOWER'S INCINERATOR ?
WONDERFUL FANZINE / Richard Eney
Harry Turner's lost his wife;
She's missing from the slan scene
For obviously NOW AND THEN must be
A WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL FANZINE
THERMO-STATUE / Joy Clarke
It may be hot. It may be cold,
But that is something that you
Will just have to guess, unless you possess
A WIDOWER'S THERMO-STATUE
A polstergeist, when moving things,
Can often cause disasters.
Furniture moves smooth and sure
On WIDOWER'S GLIDING CASTORS
Medusa's startling head of hair
Was a spectacle to deplore. A
Hair-raising guess is she washed her tresses
In WIDOWER'S HAIR RESTORER.
Elderly maids who blush deep red
At the mention of phallic symbols
Desplay no shame when they acclaim
WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL THIMBLES.
EXPORTBIER / Jan Jansen (?)
Reklameschilder auf dem Mars
Begrüssen den ersten Pionier
"Schmeckt gut mit Wurst, löscht Gerfandurst --
Rubens painted endless scenes
Of bulging sloppy nudes,
Then feasted his eyes on the Family Size
WIDOWER'S BREAKFAST FOODS
Leander swam the Hellespont,
And drowned, as Homer sings,
When Cupid's dart pierced both his heart
And WIDOWER'S WATER WINGS
Aesop's skill at telling tales
Made him a famous famble relater.
Some people fall for stories as tall
As a WIDOWER'S GRAIN ELELVATOR.
Workers of the World, Unite !
More leisure for the toilers !
Watch sheets and whites come startling bright
In WIDOWER'S LAUNDRY BOILERS
On his deathbed Bacchus lay
Thinking it quite merry
Meeting death elated on methylated
WIDOWER'S COOKING SHERRY
The GRIN #1
Juno's somewhat statuesque shape
Needs no diet or force. It's
Rendered fetching by the two-stretch in
WIDOWER'S WONDERFUL CORSETS
Diana, Huntress of the Moon,
Was aware she looked her best
Concealed her charms from men-at-arms
With a WIDOWER'S MODESTY VEST
Venus de Milo's lower limbs
Might well be slim and chic as
Marilyn Monroe's if she'd only pose
In WIDOWER'S WINTERWEIGHT KNICKERS
Produced by the SEPTUAGENARIAN FANS ASSOCIATION™