Jokes For 
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"Doctor, every bone in my body hurts."
   "Just be glad you're not a herring, then."

"I don't seem to have much get up and go these days, Doctor."
    "At your age, Mr. Smith, it's all got up and gone!"
   "In that case, can you give me a good hangover cure?"
    "Yes, try drinking the black coffee the night before instead of the morning after."
   "Cheers, Doctor! I don't think!"
    "That's odd, the stomach pump doesn't seem to be working on you, Mr. Smith. I wonder why."
   "It's that barmaid with the weird sense of humour. I asked for a stiff drink and she must have put cement in it."
   "In that case, I'll have to send out for a hammer and chisel. Anything else I can do for you in the meantime?"
   "I could do with a bit of sticking plaster. The wife's birthday card is dropping to bits."
   "Why didn't you buy her a decent one?"
   "As far as I remember, it was the best one in the shop."
   "So why is it dropping to bits?"
    "If she's going to stay the same age for twenty years, she's going to keep getting the same card. By the way, I brought you some old magazines. What did you want them for?"
    "My brother's studying to be a dentist."

"You remind me of the sea, Doctor."
   "Why's that, Nurse Smith? Because I'm wild, reckless and romantic?"
"No, because you make me sick!"

"Doctor, remember you told me last year to stay away from dampness if I wanted my rheumatism to get better? Is it all right for me to take a bath now?"

"Nice garden, Doctor. But have you lost something in that flower bed?"
   "No, we're doing a heart transplant on a tax inspector and we need a suitable stone."

"Why do all the doctors and nurses wear masks in the operating theatre?"
   "So that if someone makes a mistake, no one knows who did it."

"Doctor, Doctor, my son has swallowed the film out of my camera."
   "Well, we'll just have to wait and see what develops, Mr. Jones."

"What would I have to give you to get a little kiss, Nurse Jackson?"
   "Chloroform, Doctor."

"Mr. Smith the tree-surgeon, isn't it? How long is it since your accident with the chainsaw?"
   "About half as long, Doctor."

"How did you sleep last night, Mrs. Jones?"
   "Terrible, Doctor. I plugged the electric blanket into the toaster by mistake and I kept popping out of bed all night."

"Doctor, how do you read charts upside down?"
   "That's easy, mate, I'm from Australia."

"Your coughing seems to be getting better, Mr. Smith."
   "Well, I have been practising it all bloody night, Doctor!"
"Didn't you take the medicine I prescribed?"
   "No, Doctor. One taste of it and I decided I'd rather have the cough."

"Doctor, Mr. Smith is on the phone. He says he knows tests are important in diagnosing rare diseases, but it's six years since he first came to you and he wants to be treated."

"We can't use you as a blood donor until you give up drinking, Mr. McBooze. That last pint you gave evaporated before we could use it."

"I've been taking the vitamin pills but I still feel run down, Doctor."
   "Could be your diet. What have you been eating, Mr. Smith?"
"Oh, are you supposed to eat as well?"

"Excuse me, Officer, how do I get to the hospital?"
   "Try crossing this road without watching for traffic, Sir."

"If taking your appendix out is an appendectomy and taking your tonsils out is a tolsillectomy, what's it called when they remove a growth from your head?"
   "No idea."
"A haircut!"

"Why are you standing in that bowl of water, Mr. Cousteau?"
   "The tablets I'm taking have to be taken `In water three times a day'."

"Why is it you're so angry, Mr. Smith?"
   "Well, Doctor, it's all the rage."

"This ointment makes my leg smart, Doctor."
   "We must try some on your head, Mr. Jones."

"I feel like killing myself, Doctor. What should I do?"
   "Just leave that problem with me, Mr. Major."

"I think you're a kleptomaniac, Mr. Jones."
   "What can I take for that, Doctor?"

"Doctor, there's something wrong with my stomach."
   "Just keep your coat buttoned, Mr. Abacus, and no one will notice."

"I'm having trouble breathing, Doctor."
   "Well, we'll soon put a stop to that."

"How long can a man live without a brain, Doctor?"
   "I don't know. How old are you, Mr. Smith?"

"Doctor, I'm having trouble with chewing my nails. What do you recommend?"
   "Get your teeth sharpened, Mr. Jones."

"I'm putting on a lot of weight. What should I do, Doctor?"
   "Try pushing yourself away from the dining table occasionally, Mrs. Smith. And practise saying No! No! No! if you're offered seconds."

"That's a nasty wound on your head, Mr. Smith."
   "The estate agent said our new house was only a stone's throw from the bus stop, Doctor, and my daughter had to find out if he was telling the truth."

"This is a somewhat unusual piece of cosmetic surgery, Mr. Jones. Putting your initials on the bags under your eyes."

Temperamental is the only word to describe the matron. She's fifty per cent temper and fifty per cent mental.

"How are you after your heart operation, Mr. Smith?
   "I don't know, Doctor. I seem to have two heartbeats."
"Oh, dear. I was wondering where my watch had gone."

"What happened, Mr. McBooze? You've been unconscious for twenty-four hours."
   "I don't know, Doctor. The last thing I remember is wondering how the bloke in the pub could sell that whisky for forty-five pee a bottle."

"I went to a psychiatrist when I felt like I was covered with gold paint but he said it was just a gilt complex. Then he started to go on about my negative mental attitude. He kept telling me: 'Mr. Smith, you must say to yourself I am going to pay for this psychiatric treatment.'"

"Your test results have come in now, Mr. Jones. Maybe it would save some time if I told you what was right with you."

"In this case, the membranocartilaginous epiphysis in the right knee is being aggravated by early stages of periosteoma, complicated by phlebomyomatosis of the leg, Mrs...., er... I've forgotten your name."

"Doctor, Doctor, I've got a cricket bat stuck in my ear."
   "How's that?"
"Don't you start!"

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