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"Doctor, do you think lemons are healthy?"
   "I can't say I've ever heard one complain."

"That's the plaster cast off your leg now, Granny Smith."
   "Can I climb stairs now, Doctor?"
"Of course."
   "What a relief. You have no idea what a job it is shinning up and down that drainpipe."

"I'm afraid you're going to be blind in your right eye after your accident, Mr. Smith."
   "Oh, well. Does that mean I only have to pay half price for my TV licence now, Doctor?"

"I've changed my mind about your treatment, Mr. Jones."
   "Thank goodness, Doctor. And does the new mind work any better than the old one?"

"You seem to be quite an athletic little girl, Miss Smith. Can you stand on your head?"
   "No, Doctor, I can't get my feet that high."

"What's the best thing to take when you're run down, Doctor?"
   "The number of the car that hit you is usually a good idea, Mr. Jones."

"Doctor, I think I'm too thin."
   "Nonsense, Mrs. Jones. You're exactly the right weight for your height."
"In that case, when I go to the park, why do the ducks throw bread at me?"

"When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible, Doctor?"
   "When the Lord gave Moses the tablets."

"So why exactly did you put the starch in your whiskey, Mr. O'Hooligan?"
   "Because I wanted a stiff drink, Doctor."

"Mr. Smith, do you realize you're reading your newspaper upside-down?"
   "Of course, I realize, Doctor. You don't think it's easy reading it like this, do you?"

"My husband is so mean, he complained to the doctor when he got well before he'd used up all his medicine."

"I'm aching from arthritis," said one of the men in the doctor's waiting room.
   "I'm Jim Jones from Birmingham," said his neighbour. "Please to meet you."

"I understand you had your accident on a submarine, Mr Smith?"
   "That's right, Doctor, I forgot where I was and I opened the window before I went to bed."

"My grandmother's in marvellous condition. 82 and not a grey hair on her head."
   "Gosh, that's wonderful."
"Yes, she's completely bald."

"Doctor, Doctor, I was playing my flute and I swallowed it."
   "Just be glad it wasn't a grand piano!"

"What are you going to do when you're as big as your mother, Susan?"
   "Go on a diet, Doctor."

"Doctor, Doctor, I'm always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning."
   "Try getting up half an hour later, Mr. Smith."

"I think your nervous condition is caused by your wife's bad driving, Mr. McGurgle."
   "Could be, Doctor. Even the traffic lights go white when they see her coming."

"Guess what happened when I went to the psychiatrist about my poor memory? The rotter made me pay in advance!"

Keep smiling - it makes everyone else wonder what you've been up to!

"That psychiatrist just called me temperamental. What do you think he meant?"
   "He reckons you're fifty per cent temper and fifty per cent mental, mate."

"What are you taking for your cold, Mr. Smith?"
   "What will you give me, Doctor?"

"You know what the trouble with my husband is, don't you, Doctor?"
   "Surprise me, Mrs. McGurgle."
"When he was born, they fired off 21 guns. Unfortunately, they all missed!"

Consultant: "Can any of you students tell me what a skeleton is?"
   Student at the back: "It's a man with his outsides off and his insides out, sir."

"How did you get on with that new oatmeal soap, Mrs. McGurgle?"
   "Terrible, Doctor. The porridge tasted awful."

Consultant: "Human life would be impossible without oxygen. And this important gas was discovered as recently as 1773."
   Student: "So what did people breathe before then, sir?"

"Well, Mrs. Jones, did you tell your young daughter that eating her greens will put colour in her cheeks?"
   "Yes, Doctor, but she just told me she didn't want green cheeks."

Have you heard about the dyslexic Satanist who sold his soul to Santa? No, neither have I!

"That pyschiatrist you recommended, Doctor, he said my wife's so ugly, she has to lie face down on the couch. Then he charged her a double fee because she has a split personality."

"How many beds should a hospital have?"
   "The usual rule is one per patient."

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